I Never

Brooke was startled from her sleep by excessive knocking.

It's 1:30 in the morning. Who could that possibly be at this hour? Brooke thought to herself as she rushed out of bed and headed out to her front door.

When she opened her door she was shocked to find her best friend on the other side. Peyton had a suitcase in one hand, Anna in the other, and tears flooding from her eyes. Brooke could just tell how distressed her best friend was.

"Peyton, what's wrong?! Come in. Let me take Anna." Brooke grabbed the infant girl from her arms and ushered her inside.

Brooke carefully layed her sleeping goddaughter in a bassinet in the next room before returning to Peyton, who was frantically pacing in the living room. Brooke attempted to calm her friend down. She grabbed her lightly and urged her to sit down on the couch. She took a seat beside her. After a few minutes of silence, Brooke spoke.

"Peyton what's wrong?

By this time, Peyton had regained her composure somewhat. It was evident she was still upset, but at least not so frantic.

"I—I'm losing it Brooke. I've been trying really hard these past couple of months to be a good mother, a good wife, a good friend. Trying to convince myself that I'm ok. That Lucas and I were ok. But I'm not ok. Lucas and I are not ok."

"It's because of the baby isn't it?" Brooke asked somewhat rhetorically. She knew Peyton hasn't been herself since the death of her son. Lucas, Haley, Nathan…everyone knew. But she hadn't realized just how badly she was hurting and it made Brooke feel horrible.

Peyton's eyes began to tear up. "I never got to hold him. I never had the chance to tell him how much I loved him. I never gave him a name. I never even got to say goodbye."

Brooke knew there was nothing she could say to Peyton that would ease her heartache. And it hurt her so much to have to admit that to herself. So she just listened.

"Lucas accused me of blaming him for our son's death. And you know what? He's right. I do. I don't want to but I do. He should have fought harder to save him. I never would have given up on our son so easily." Peyton paused for a brief moment before continuing. "I love Lucas. But sometimes, I wish I didn't. Because being betrayed by the person you love hurts more than anything in this world. I don't know how many times over these past few months that I've---I've…"

She took a slight pause before continuing.

"That I've willed our love to die." She put her face into her hands and in a muffled voice asked Brooke, "Does that make me a bad person?"

"You could never be a bad person Peyton. And I know you don't really mean everything you just said about wishing you didn't love Lucas anymore."

"Maybe you're right about that. But why can't I stop blaming him?"

Brooke didn't know how to answer the question so she just ignored it. "I think you should talk to a professional about all this. I think it'll help."

"You're right. And when I get to my dad's, I think I will."

"You know you and Anna are more than welcome to stay here with me Peyton. You don't have to leave Tree Hill."

"If I stay here Lucas would just try to convince me to come back home and I can't do that. Not right now. Not when every time I see his face I can't help but think my son might still be here if he hadn't made the decision he did."

"How long will you be gone for?"

"I'm not sure. I'm hoping this time away will let me see things from a new perspective. Maybe give me some closure."

"What happens if it doesn't?"

Peyton took a moment to gather herself before answering honestly, "Then I don't see how Lucas and I could ever be together."

"But you love him Peyton. I thought love was suppose to conquer all."

"I thought so too Brooke. I really did. But I've come to realize now that sometimes love just isn't enough."

The title is from the Rilo Kiley song, "I Never." I'm pretty obsessed with them these days lol. I know it's short but, I didn't want to add the next scene to this chapter. Hopefully I will have the next chapter up soon. Perhaps later on tonight. Definitely sometime tomorrow. Please review. It keeps me motivated to write. Here are some previews to tide you over...

Nathan and Haley learn of Lucas's fight with Peyton. Haley and Lucas talk; Peyton says her goodbyes.