(Don't think this means I'm back. 'Cause I'm not.)
Disclaimer: I am not JKR, I do not own them, and you should probably all be glad of that. Don't sue, please.
Author's Note: Rating is for language. Written for someone who wanted me to make them cry. Departure from my usual style. (Drastically, really.) I'd say that punctuation and capitalization were optional, except… they weren't. And that is all I have to say about it.
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sirius cannot be around them and be happy.
he cannot look at them and he cannot listen to them, he cannot touch them. not and be happy, not and be anything but — there, and watching, and why!
oh, he cannot stand them.
he… cannot… he is stupid, so stupid… cannot see, cannot think, just —
he sighs, and then he cries, he roars and begs, sometimes, but never in front of them.
he laughs with them.
if he didn't, it would show.
it is not that sirius has suddenly developed any sort of dislike for lily, or for james. — that would have been stupid, and thoroughly, physically impossible. — to dislike James would probably have been tantamount to hating his better half, and though sirius will be the first to admit that he is not always pleased with himself… which is to say the part of him that actually inhabits his body, and not the other part, the one that is so very different, yet exactly the same in all ways that matter… well, he would never, ever be stupid enough to even suggest anything but the highest of regards for the rest of him. but that oneness, which is so much of who and how and why he is him, is not the same; not less but not ever as much — and sometimes he almost just wants to watch it, to see how close he is.
so far away.
still, being in their presence, which he loves and adores and wishes he would not change… not for anything and the whole universe and merlin help them all… is now rather more like the front end of a tricycle than it was before, and deep down that is not enough. — and it is too much at the same time, because he is there and he is loved but it is the overflow and he is the extension.
can't they see what their soft speechless expressions of unity do to him?
it is like going out on the coldest windiest day of the world and realizing too late that he forgot his coat, forgot his hat, forgot everything but the fact he can't go back. — has nowhere to go back to. — it is stupid, a stupid comparison from a stupid greedy idiot, but he can't help it. every smile is a gust that chills him deeper while reminding him he's still alive to be… because really it is wonderful and he is truly happy for them, he does try… but at the same time he hates and feels cut off and sometimes he wants to scream because even when he's there it's like he's not. it's stupid, he hates it, he hates them. — even though he loves them.
it is wrong, all wrong, so desperately, awfully, goddamnhimandthemandeverything fucking wrong.
but it is the way he feels. it is hard, ungrateful, even spiteful and sharp, and sometimes wicked. it is stupid. it is miserable. it's because now they're Lily and James, or James and Lily.
and he is still just sirius.
just sirius.
alone, and not, and stupid, and sad, and — he wants to be a part instead of the sum and — to see the memory of someone else looking back from his eyes in the mirror — but — there isn't — only —
just sirius
it wrenches
Just Sirius
so wrong