Disclaimer: I own chunks of the plot, nothing more. Sad, really...

Warnings: Non-explicit sex, very angsty, mostly consensual

Author's Note: This is the middle chapter of a 3- or 4-part fic that I thought up during one of my angst-fests. It was originally going to be a one-shot, but I didn't think I'd be able to work in the plot well enough. Not sure when I'll get the other chapters up, as usual... Really the main thing is that this is eventually going to have a beginning and an end, this is just the prologue/taster/filler/climax thing...if that makes sense... Oh, and the title will make sense once the other parts get written, though it might make sense already...

The Only Secret
Part IV (I think)

My hands shook as I unbuttoned my shirt. I wanted this. Really. It was better this way. At least, that's what I told myself.

When I had finished with the shirt I laid it carefully by the jeans I had shed earlier. My long men's dress shirt had been my protection, the only thing hiding me. Now I stood, shivering, in only a lacy bra and panties. I wrapped my arms around myself, waiting for him to come back. I hoped he'd bring wine; it would make this easier for me. Just as I was becoming apprehensive, the door opened slowly, revealing a shirtless man carrying a glass of red wine. I smiled weakly. "Sev."

"Lily." The word was whispered, almost worshipped. Severus held out the wine to me. I took a few sips, then gave it back to him. I wanted this to be easier, but I didn't want to be drunk.

He finished off the glass, never taking his eyes off me. When the wine was gone he Vanished the glass wordlessly and took my hand. "Are you sure?" he asked softly.

I closed my eyes briefly but nodded. "It's for the best, Sev. We both know that." We were both making a sacrifice. The only debate was whose would be hardest.

He smiled as weakly as I had, barely masking the desire in his eyes. I straightened my spine, willing my heartbeat to slow. The tension built between us; I became impatient.

Suddenly Severus pulled me into his arms and bent down to kiss my neck. I shivered; his ragged breath was hot on my cool skin. He felt it when I froze in his embrace. Severus pulled away to whisper in my ear. "Relax, Lily…Don't make this hard on yourself."

I took his advice. Relax. Yes, that was the best way. Slowly I let out the breath I had been holding and wrapped my arms around Severus's neck, tangling my fingers in his long black hair as we kissed. His lips were hesitant at first, but when I didn't resist he kissed me harder, slipping his tongue into my mouth. I gasped when I felt his fingers at the clasp of my bra; when the fabric was gone I pressed myself harder up against him. His hands were demanding and gentle on my skin all at once.

I could feel his arousal under his jeans, feel his kisses more urgent on my skin. My lips slipped to his ear, nipping at the skin between gasps. "Now, Sev. Please." I couldn't wait any longer; no need to postpone the inevitable. Especially not when I needed it like I needed this. In some inexplicable way, for some reason I didn't want explained, I needed it.

He bent down, his lips drifting to my chest, gripping my thighs. He lifted me against him and brought me to the bed, where he set me down gently. He made to pull away but I grabbed his shoulders and kissed him. "Now," I whispered again.

He pulled away again, hands going to his trousers. As he fumbled with the buttons I removed my underwear, my last item of clothing. I tossed them to the side and lay naked on Severus's bed, shivering. The apprehension in my stomach grew until I was nauseous. I swallowed hard and steeled myself. For James. I was doing this for James.

Finally Severus removed his pants. His black eyes were clouded with lust, but there was also compassion and a shadow of pity. He climbed onto the bed and on top of me, bending down to kiss me softly. I felt his hands on my hips, sliding to the apex of my thighs. His fingers were gentle and almost hesitant, and I tried to let myself forget that it wasn't James touching me.

After a few minutes Severus's control began to slip and his touch was rougher. I simply lay under him, letting the feelings wash over me as if I wasn't really there. Suddenly Severus's lips left mine, and he raised his hips off mine. There was a strange prickling in my eyes as I tried not to think about what was just about to happen. I thought I might have heard him whisper "I'm sorry," and then there was only pain.

With every movement, every thrust, I could only feel pain. Severus went slowly, responding to the grimace on my face. After a while the sensations began to change; I began to move, too, needing to feel closer to the end. Soon the pain was gone. Clouds danced in front of my eyes. I grabbed for Severus, finding his hair and pulling him down to me. My ears rang. I heard Severus groan my name, and felt his release.

I screamed, gooseflesh covered my skin, and I was pulled over the edge as well, colors flashing before my eyes. "Sev!" When it was over, my muscles ached, I was out of breath, and Severus lay, spent, on top of me. I touched my face, and tried to convince myself that the wetness there was from the pain.

Later, when Severus was sleeping, I silently put on my clothes and stole away into the night. Our bargain was finished on my part, I had no more business with him. I didn't leave a note, I didn't even whisper a word to his sleeping form. He knew why I left. He would understand.

A/N: Okay, so I'm reasonably happy with that...
Review...ConCrit? Please???

A/N 1-8-09: I realize that this might not make sense at all...Why is Severus doing it if he's so sorry? Why is Lily doing it at all? And why is it "for James"? Fear not, this will all be answered in the first chapter. (Hopefully...)

Also, it's taking me longer than I thought (as usual) to write the other parts. Luckily I got inspiration last night, and hopefully I'll get a lot of it written tomorrow. Sorry for the delay!

A/N 1-15-09: Ok, so the questions weren't answered in the first chapter. I think it'll actually be the third. Sorry 'bout that!