A/N: Okay, so I've done the math. And even if all of you have all read this fic three times, there are still more than four hundred hits on each chapter. And you know what that means? It means I should be getting four hundred reviews per update.
You know what I like to hear? I like it when people get accounts just to review my story. I like when that happens. Know what I don't like? No reviews! And some of my regulars have been slacking the last few chapters. Seriously hurts my feelings.
Okay, rant over with. Here's another update for you, my lovelies.
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I am not a fan of needles. Trypanophobia, Sara calls it. Whatever. The egg retrieval procedure required for the in vitro fertilization calls for daily self-administered Lupron injections. Twenty-two of them. Big needles. The needle has to be inserted directly into your stomach. Twenty-two times. Sara had to do it for me, I couldn't even look. But every morning like clockwork I submitted myself to the whole ordeal all over again. Only once did I have to administer the shot myself. Sara was pulling a double, and there was no way she was going to be home in time. It took me an hour to get up the courage.
As if that weren't bad enough, there were the side effects of the Lupron. Dr. Brown told us that some women's bodies never even notice the drug while other's have a really hard time accepting it. When Sara had taken it nine years ago, she had been one of the women who didn't feel a thing. Consequently, she was not very supportive of the fact that I was one of the women who wasn't so lucky. I was nauseous, I had headaches, bone pain, horrible hot flashes, and just general pain all the time. For three weeks. There were days when just getting out of bed was an effort, and getting through a shift was murder.
Sara, on the other hand, had to take three hormone supplements and was feeling just fine. Well, good for her.
During the three weeks I was taking the Lupron, we had one very important task; sperm donors. We had decided right away that the donor would be anonymous. It was too complicated to ask one of our friends to donate, especially since we didn't want them to have any role in the baby's life outside the role of uncle. Besides, there were more options with an anonymous donor.
There were hundreds to choose from and we had to pick just one. Not easy. It started out with a general description. Height, weight, hair and eye color. It also included things like ethnicity, heritage, religion, educational background, profession, and a few hobbies. If you liked what you saw in the little description, you could pay for a more extended bio.
At first, we thought it would be fun. You know, sit together with the love of your life, grab a bowl of popcorn, and genetically engineer your child. Not so fu. The words living hell come to mind. Sara and I could not agree on anything.
I wanted to have a donor with similar characteristics to Sara- so the baby would look like both of us. It seemed perfectly logical to me. It seemed perfectly logical to my sister. It even seemed perfectly logical to my mother. Not to Sara. Sara wanted a baby that looked just like me, she said. So she scientifically measured which donors had the most recessive genes and chose those. And neither of us would budge.
"Sara, this one is Phi Beta Kappa and an engineering major."
Sar looked where my finger was pointing. "He's five foot seven. What about this one?"
I read the sheet, "It says he's a card dealer."
"Yeah, but the rest is perfect. Six foot, blonde hair, green eyes- it's great."
"Yeah, and every time we get a scene in a casino, we'll be wondering which one he is."
"We can't have everything."
"Oh, yes we sure as hell can."
"So, you want what? A tall, dark and handsome, medical student who likes volunteer work and baby animals?" She looked disbelievingly at me.
I shrugged, "It could happen."
It was a stalemate for an entire week.
"Sara, just concede on the blue eyes, will you? And I am not choosing any donor who puts World of Warcraft down as a career."
"Some online RPGs are very sophisticated. Why don't you cop to the brown hair? And while we're at it, why are two thirds of your choices under the age twenty-five?"
"I just figure they're more viable options. What if we agree, I'll give up brown hair if you give up blue eyes?"
And so on. Until one day, I was searching through the list and found the perfect compromise. Dirty blonde hair, hazel eyes, six foot two, graduate degree, area of business. Interests included biking, reading, music, swimming and surfing. It was perfect. I showed Sara and she agreed, finally. She proceeded to tell me all about the genetic probability of her getting a blonde or a redhead, and I realized just how creepy it was that we were engineering our child.
So the day came for the egg retrieval procedure. Sara couldn't come with me because of work. I wanted to be there for her during the embryo transfer procedure, and we couldn't ask Grissom for three days off together inside a month. That would be just a little too suspicious. So, instead of Sara coming with me, Maureen and Gina both offered to take the day off from work and take me to the clinic.
The procedure was very simple, but I'm glad I was unconscious for it, as it involves a giant needle going up your hoo-ha. I'm told I was only under for about fifteen minutes, but I still had to wait in a hospital bed for an hour after they were done. Gina and Maureen sat talking with me when Dr. Brown came to release me. She informed me that the procedure had gone very well.
I had responded very well to the Lupron injections and other drugs, and they had retrieved over twenty eggs. Of course, why they needed twenty eggs was beyond me, seeing as I had no intention of have twenty children. One was all I needed. I had lunch with the girls before catching an afternoon plane to Las Vegas. Once again I was reminded of the contrast in atmosphere between home and San Francisco. I realized that I was going to miss Maureen and Gina and the fun we had when we were together.
A week later, Sara and I returned to California together for the embryo transfer procedure. It was relatively quick and painless. I got to sit with Sara for the entire process and she did not need to be put under anesthesia. It seems like it would have been an awkward situation, watching another woman insert sperm into one's girlfriend. Explained that way, it actually sounds a bit disgusting, and not at all romantic. But we were both so nervous and excited. And technically, it wasn't sperm anymore, they were fertilized embryos, my eggs- our potential children. I can't explain the emotions running through me. It was romantic. This was it.
When it was over, Sara had to stay in the chair for another hour. I held her hand tightly, "I'm so proud of you."
"Why?" She smiled, "All I did was sit here. Granted it's always embarrassing to be on display to the world, but so far you've done all the hard work."
I lay a hand on her stomach, "I'm still proud of you. I am so grateful to you for doing this."
"I want it, too."
"I know, but still. I love you. This is going to be a great adventure."
She kissed my temple. "I can't wait."
We spent that night at Larry and Tim's, stretched out on the leather sofa watching old movies. In the morning, we once again flew home, tired and hopeful. We had ten days to wait before we went for a blood test to see if it had worked. They were long days. Every minute was a painful ordeal. When we saw the doctor walking towards us with a smile, though, it made every second worthwhile. We did it. We were pregnant.
"Oh my god," Sara lay spread out on our bed at home, a hand over her abdomen. "I'm pregnant. Catherine, I'm pregnant." She beamed and I smiled back, giddily. "This is the weirdest feeling. Pregnant."
"I love you, baby."
"Baby." She looked at me, wide-eyed, "Catherine, you, me, baby. Catherine, you and me are having a baby. I'm having your baby."
The reality of her words shook me to my core. The woman I loved was having my baby. It had worked, we were pregnant. They said it usually doesn't work the first time and it worked. My Sara was having a baby. My baby. Our baby. My breath caught in my throat and I started to cry. To laugh and to cry.
"Oh, my god, Sara!"
"I know!"
And then we were both laughing and crying and hugging. We professed our love ten thousand different ways and in the end I just lay my head on her belly. I knew it was too early to be able to hear anything but it didn't matter, I was in total shock.
At some point, Sara fell asleep to the sounds of me whispering nonsense to her stomach. And some time after that I passed out as well, my hand protectively around her abdomen. We were having a baby. A baby. A little life that was both of us.
Sara and I were over the moon. We spent the next few weeks laughing and smiling and making out like teenagers anywhere we could. We told my sister and mother, and some of the people in San Francisco. We waited to tell the girls and everybody at work. The girls because they were already impatient enough as it was- they could wait a little longer, and the boys we didn't tell because we hadn't told them we were trying in the first place and it was bad luck to announce it until after the first trimester.
Everything was going great. Sara had a bit of morning sickness, but even that couldn't put a damper on our spirits. Then, around six weeks into the pregnancy, Sara called to me from our bathroom. Her eyes were frightened as she held out blood stained fingers for me to see.
"Cath?" she asked, her voice shaky.
I just stared, first at her fingers and then at the red-stained water in the toilet.
"Cath?" she asked again, wavering.
I met her gaze, trying to hide my concern and failing miserably. "You're bleeding," I stated the obvious. "How much? Some bleeding can be perfectly normal."
"I don't know," her eyes were wide and wet as she shook her head, "how much is some? How much is a lot? It just…I had a few cramps this morning and then it just…started!"
"Okay." I put a hand on her shoulder. "Calm down. Here's what we're going to do. You're going to go lie down while I call Dr. Hernandez and get an emergency appointment. Then we'll drop the girls off at my sister's and we'll go see what's up. How's that?"
Worriedly, she nodded.
I hugged her. "It's okay, baby. I'm sure everything's fine."
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But everything wasn't fine. When the doctor did the ultrasound, the room was oddly silent and the screen horribly blank. Everything wasn't fine. In fact, everything was as far from fine as it could get. The walls seemed to close in until only my hand wrapped around Sara's kept me connected to the world. Sara. Sara was devastated. The look in her eyes was so empty, my heart, already crushed, ached just that much more for her.
The drive home was completely silent. Somehow I managed to call Nancy and ask her to keep the girls for dinner. Sara walked ahead of me into the house, her keys missing the table and hitting the floor as she dropped them- she didn't stop to pick them up. Wordlessly, I followed her up the stairs and into our room where I found her collapsed on the bed, curled in on herself, arms wrapped around her stomach.
I slipped off my shoes and joined her. At first we didn't move, didn't speak, didn't touch. After a while, I began to run my fingers through her hair. Tears slowly made there way down my cheeks as I felt the mattress begin to shake and quake beneath me. I gathered my lover in my arms.
"Oh, baby," I choked, "baby, I'm so sorry. So sorry." And we just lay there. For hours. Sharing the burden that was this pain, this ache that would not go away. Sometimes we cried, mostly we just held each other. We didn't need to speak.
It ended when I picked up a call from my sister. She needed me to come and get the girls, there wasn't room for them to spend the night. And that was the worst part. That was the cruelest part. Life went on. Life had to go on. In moments like this, you feel that the world should crack open and swallow you up. But it doesn't. It just hurts. So we picked ourselves up, kissed, and set about making things normal again.
A few days later, I was doing laundry when Sara came to me. She hoisted herself up onto the dryer and began helping me fold clothes. After a minute of silence, I began to get curious. "Hon? Did you come in here just to match socks?"
She shook her head. "I wanted to ask you something, but I don't want you to get mad."
"Okay." I started up the washer and jumped up to sit beside her. Things had been tense during the last week, but I couldn't think of anything she could say that would upset me.
She hesitated. "Do you think maybe…well, I know I shouldn't ask, but it's just…could we…do you want to, maybe…try again?" I didn't have to ask what she was talking about.
I looked at her for a moment. "Do you want to?"
She half shrugged. "I don't know. I think so. Do you?"
"I…I still want a baby. But I don't want to go through this again, put you through this. I don't want to see you in this kind of pain- I don't want to feel like this all over again."
Sara nodded. "I didn't realize how important a baby was for me until…" her eyes were wide and sad. "Losing it just…now it feels like I never wanted anything more."
I rested a hand on her thigh. "So, we'll try again."
"One more time."
So, we went through it all again, with somewhat less enthusiasm. Another month, another round of medication and nauseating side effects, every injection hurting that much more because it never should have had to happen. Our smiles were hesitant during the second procedure, as if hiding our emotions could insulate us from feeling the pain again.
We held our breath when Dr. Hernandez pronounced another positive result. My hand tightened around Sara's and she gave me a soft smile. But there was no laughing and crying the way there had been before. Now it was just a game of wait and see.
As the weeks went by, we learned to breath again. Ayla's eighth birthday passed, and our one year anniversary was fast approaching. One day, I caught Sara in the lab bathroom, on her knees, head in the toilet. I immediately knelt beside her.
"Hey," I pulled her hair back and waited for her to stop vomiting. Taking a bit of paper, I wiped her mouth and smiled gently. "Shift's almost up. What do you say we drop the girls off and spend the rest of the day snuggled up in our pjs?"
Returning my smile a bit sadly, she flushed the toilet. She stood, pulling me with her, and resting a hand on her abdomen. "That's the third time I've been in here this shift. If it keeps up, I think I'll be spending most of the day hugging the toilet."
I covered her hand with my own. "Hon, this is totally normal."
She nodded, but looked to the ground.
"What is it?"
"It's been six weeks and three days."
I knew what she meant. This was when we lost the first baby. "I know."
"I should be feeling excited now, or happy. Instead, I'm just panicked all the time. What if something goes wrong?"
I squeezed her hand and led her out of the stall. I didn't want to promise that nothing would go wrong. "Things will be okay. So far so good. Aside from the morning sickness, you've been alright, haven't you?"
"Yeah, but I was the last time, too."
I watched in the mirror as she splashed her face with water and rinsed her mouth. I handed her a paper towel. "Let's just take it one day at a time, okay? We've come this far." There was no way that this could happen twice, not to us. The doctor had told us that some couples had to try six or seven times before they carried full term. Neither Sara nor I would have the heart to go through this again. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
Three weeks later, I heard Sara calling for me from the bathroom. My heart raced as I ran up the stairs. "What is it?" My voice was panicked, but instead of the scene I was dreading, I found her in her bra and panties on our scale facing the wall. "Sara?"
"In the book it says that you're supposed to gain three to five pounds during the first twelve weeks." She was still facing away from me.
"Yeah…"
"It's only week nine and I've already gained six."
I smiled my relief. "Sara, everybody has a different pregnancy. I'm sure three to five is just the average. You're taller than most women. I bet loads of women gain twenty pounds in their fist trimester."
She looked over her shoulder, worriedly, "Yeah, but how many women are starting to show?" She turned in profile to me and my eyes went wide. "The book says you start to show between sixteen and twenty-four weeks, Catherine. What is this?"
I was just staring at her belly. Of course, in clothes, you would hardly be able to tell, but exposed, there was definitely an obvious bump where I was sure her stomach had been flat only a few days before. "Sara…" I reached out rested my palm on her warm skin, mesmerized. I smiled. "This is incredible."
She shook her head. "It's not normal, Catherine. Nine weeks is definitely way too early."
I looked up at her. She looked genuinely concerned. I guess she had a right to be. I nodded. "Okay, it's a little early. I don't think I started showing with Lindsey until I was five or six months along. Maybe we should call the doctor."
So Sara had an appointment and had some blood work done. A week later, when the results were in, the doctor scheduled us for an appointment two weeks out. In that time, Sara's stomach continued to grow. Not much, but enough that she couldn't just wear a tank top and tight pants to work, loose blouses and button-up shirts were now a must.
Sara also started get a little…hormonal. She cried when we watched Stepmom with the girls. And not just cried. She bawled. I'll admit, it's a sad movie. When Susan Sarandon gets diagnosed with cancer, I am crying like there's no tomorrow. But Sara never cries at movies. Never. And that's not all. One day she tore up the entire house to find a missing sock that turned out to be on her foot. It was completely mental.
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Finally, the day of the appointment came. Driving in the car on the way to our doctor's appointment, I looked over to see Sara staring worriedly out the window.
"Babe, you okay?" I took her hand.
"Just nervous. The doctor said my blood tests were abnormal, that we need to do an ultrasound. Cath, it's only twelve weeks. We're not supposed to have another ultrasound for at least another two weeks. Remember? Last time she said after the blood tests cleared she wouldn't need to see us until week twenty. I don't like being back here so soon. Something's wrong."
I pulled into the parking lot. "Did she say what was up with your blood work?"
"Not really. Just that I was showing some pretty high hormone levels for so early in my pregnancy."
"Hey, babe, don't worry." I pulled her tight to me. "If the doctor was really concerned she would have had us come in a two weeks ago when she called, not scheduled us for today, right?"
She nodded into my collarbone. I was starting to able to read pregnant Sara's behavior, and I could tell that this over-concern was part of an oncoming mood swing.
I sighed. "Hey, look at me…our baby is going to be fine. You hear me?"
Another nod and a sniff, "Sorry, Cat. I just can't stand to think-"
"Then don't." I kissed her swiftly. "I love you." I took her hand and I squeezed it tight.
"Don't let go." She said as we headed into the building.
"Not on your life." I whispered back as we rode the elevator to the third floor.
The waiting room was all but empty. It was early. We got an appointment right at the end of shift. I signed us in, my hand never leaving Sara's and then we sat to wait. At some point she began to shake with nerves and I pulled her into my lap. I received looks from the few women in the office and I glared back defiantly. I rubbed my sweetheart's back and whispered in her ear. Minutes later the nurse called out for us to come in. I defiantly kissed Sara and pulled her to her feet. I raised an eyebrow at the woman closest to us and pushed Sara ahead of me into the other room.
Our doctor, Rose Hernandez, came in and smiled at us. That had to be a good sign right? I thought back on all the times I had delivered bad news to people at work. I'd never smiled at them. Sara was very quiet and she stared at the floor. When Rose didn't get a response from Sara she looked to me.
"She's just scared. She's really worried about the baby."
"Why?" Rose sat down on her stool and put on gloves.
I touched Sara's shoulder, pushing her back into chair, "Babe? Why don't you show Rose what you showed me before we made the appointment, okay?"
Sara nodded and slowly unzipped the sweatshirt once more and exposed her belly to the air. Dr. Hernandez raised an eyebrow before placing her hands on Sara's abdomen. Sara looked away, and I knew how terrified she must feel. All I could do was squeeze her hand.
"Well, this certainly goes along with my earlier diagnosis." She smiled and winked at me, I knew that nobody winked when it was bad news, "We'll just have the sonogram to make sure."
"Diagnosis?" Sara's voice was so pained, she looked from me to the doctor who was turning on the sonogram and squeezing gel onto Sara's stomach, "What diagnosis? What's wrong with my baby?"
"Well, if I'm right, nothing is wrong with your baby."
"If nothing is wrong then why am I having a sonogram?"
All of a sudden there was a loud noise coming from the machine and when the screen turned on there was gray static. I knew the sound immediately; it was the sound I had heard at Lindsey's first sonogram.
"Heartbeat." I said instantly. I grabbed Sara's hand tight as her attention was diverted to the screen.
"Yep." Rose was watching the screen as intently as Sara.
I frowned, "It sounds too fast."
Sara looked at me in alarm, "It does?"
The doctor shook her head. "Wait for it," she said, still watching the screen.
"Wait for what?"
"Hang on…" This woman was starting to annoy the hell out of me- didn't she get that this was not the sort of thing you kept people in suspense about?! Then she smiled, "Aha!"
"What?" Sara and I both asked.
"The heartbeats are fine; one is just echoing the other. It makes it sound faster."
"Heartbeats?" I questioned. "You mean Sara's and the baby's?"
That didn't make sense, there was no way Sara's heart could be echoing the baby's; it was way too fast- she'd be dead. The doctor shook her head and pointed to the screen.
"Watch." She said moving the screen closer. "This big round bit? That's a baby head. And these bits here are arms and legs." She pointed out the four appendages. "Now here's where it gets interesting. Look over here." She moved her hand over Sara's abdomen and the screen changed. "Do you see what I'm seeing?" She grinned.
Oh. My. God. "Two more legs." I whispered.
Sara gasped her realization, "And another head." She reached for the screen.
Rose nodded, "And if you look carefully, you can see two more bumps; arms. And these lines here" she gestured at the screen, "show two distinct embryonic sacs."
"Twins." I whispered.
Rose grinned. "Two very healthy fraternal twins."
I couldn't believe it. Twins. The doctors at the in vitro clinic had said there was a higher risk of multiple births but… I never once thought that it would be a problem for us, hell, we already had three kids. Suddenly a very large number was looming over me. Five. Five children. How could I go from having one child to five in less than two years? I suddenly felt dizzy. I grabbed hold of the bed but it wasn't fast enough. Everything faded to black.
I was brought around by a sweet voice calling my name, "Cat? Catherine? Baby, wake up."
"Five." It was the first thing out of my mouth before I had even opened my eyes.
"What?" Sara's face was concerned but much brighter than it had been a minute ago.
"Five children." I was on the floor. My head hurt.
Sara smiled. "I know. But hey, what's one more?"
"That's a lot of children, Sara." The fuzziness in my head made that come out all wrong.
Her eyes narrowed, "I know that."
I sat for a moment and then slowly rose to my feet. I looked at her wary expression as I moved to touch her hair. She shifted back away from my touch. "What are you saying, Cath?" Her tone was accusatory.
"Sara, I'm not saying anything. Would you just give me a minute to think about this?"
"Think about what? Do you think we should get rid of one, Catherine?" I could sense a hormonal hurricane not far off. "One of our babies? Your babies? Or maybe we can pick one of the older ones and give them away?" Yep, there we go- happy to completely irrational in under ten seconds.
"Sara, stop! I just need a minute to think about it. It hasn't sunk in yet- I just need-"
"What's there to think about, Catherine? They're our children." She shouted and jumped up from the chair. "You know what?" she cried, her voice strangled. She shook her head. "I cannot deal with this right now." And she ran out.
Oh, no. That was not good. She was being overdramatic, sure. But she was also really upset. I had to make this better. Now. I felt my heart jump up through my lungs. "Shit." Without a word to the doctor I ran after her.
I caught up with her in the waiting room. "Sara! Sara, stop." I think it was the panic in my voice, more than anything that made her stop. She didn't turn to face me, so I ran around to look her in the eye. I felt a lump rise in my throat. God damn her for looking so cute and dejected. "Sara, Sara honey, listen to me. I love you. And I'm sorry I froze in there, but baby, listen to me." I put my hand on the tiny bump of her stomach, "I love you. And I love Ayla and Maggie and Lindsey. But five is a big number, Sara." She started to pull away but I held her tight, unheeding of the growing number of patients watching us.
"Honey, it was a surprise, that's all. Twins are hard work; they're harder to carry to full term. It can be dangerous for the mother- deadly, even. When she said twins, baby, my emotions just ran the gamut. And I saw twice the mess and twice the diapers and twice the midnight feedings, all the while still dealing with three growing girls. Worse, baby, I saw things going wrong, you getting sick or bleeding out or getting an infection. And that scared me. It's my job to take care of you, and the girls." I tried to smile, "And these little guys in here." I tickled her stomach.
She looked up at me, and there were tears in her eyes. I sank to my knees, wrapping my arms around her thighs. "And, Sara, love. I did see all the good things, too. I saw the family outings and Lindsey teaching them to read. I saw Ayla showing them the stars and Maggie putting on plays with them. I saw you and me and our five beautiful children, and I love you all. And I want you and I want these babies." I kissed her belly, "Trust me, I want to see you pregnant, 30 weeks round, barefoot, and amazingly sexy and I do want a house of screaming children with you and a fridge full of breast milk and I want to tell Lindsey she can't go on a date with some sleaze football jock because she has to stay home and take care of our babies. Her little brothers or sisters. And I want to watch you teach quantum physics to a five year old with my red hair and you're love for anything with wheels. I want bedtime stories and cheating at monopoly and lemonade stands and summers at the beach. Sara..." Tears were streaming down my face. When had that happened?
"And I want to grow old with you and in thirty years when these babies are grown and we are surrounded by fifteen grandchildren I want you to know that I have always loved you and I'll never stop. So, please baby, don't be mad at me. I was just scared for one minute, but I never, not for a second, thought I didn't want these babies. I want them and I want you. I want you so badly."
And I couldn't say anymore, I just cried into her legs. If I hadn't been so emotional I would have noticed the dead quiet around us. Instead, I only felt Sara's strong arms pulling me to my feet.
And I felt her hand on my cheek and I looked into her eyes. Her smiling eyes. "God, Catherine." She whispered, "I'm so in love with you."
And my heart stopped. It was at least the thousandth time she'd said it to me but it didn't matter. "I won't ever get tired of hearing that." I smiled.
"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you." She punctuated each phrase with a quick kiss.
"And I love you. Now, if you would accompany me back to the exam room, I think we've got some new prenatal vitamins to add to your morning cocktail. I heard this rumor that you've got two of my babies in here." I put an arm around her waist, placing a protective hand over her belly.
As we walked back through the door, there was a rush of applause and I heard the woman who had been staring at us earlier say to her husband, "That was so romantic! On their fifth child and they still act like that; we've only got one- how come you don't say stuff like that to me? How come you never tell me I'm beautiful when I'm pregnant?"
"Oh, come on, Ellie, I'm not a woman- I'm no good at that sort of thing."
"Obviously."
Sara blushed; I just held her tighter and kissed her cheek. My girl. My babies.
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I just want to not that I didn't know the twin thing was a common occurrence in fan fic when I wrote this, sorry if I lose points for originality, but it is actually important to the plot. Wait and see.
Okay, gold star and honorable mention to the review that puts me above five hundred! Mwah!