A/N: Say you love me- really love
Oh, yea of little faith! Come on. Admit it, how many of you thought I was never coming back? That's right- raise your hands. I know there were a few non-believers. And yet here I am, with your longest post to date. Twenty-five freaking pages that took me all summer to write.
I'm not one-hundred percent thrilled with the outcome, but I figured (and this is good logic here) that my fan base is primarily comprised of forensic fanatics with a little too much time on there hands and a flare for the creative. If I waited much longer, no one would ever find my body- and even if they did, they definitely wouldn't be able to identify it.
Alright, I've got some (or you know…a lot of) dedications for this one;
Firstly for; Chez, who's writing got me off my ass a couple days ago and without whom you might all be waiting several more weeks for an update.
Then For; Kess, Harley Quinn Davidson, and ClickClaire- welcome to the Journey of a Lifetime fic! I love new readers!
Also for; CSISVUTWFBgurl, Jessievamp06, CavanaughCSI3, and CatherineWillowsCSI for their continued support through the worst writers block imaginable. Your reviews and messages really kept me going.
Definitely for; Rach. The ultimate sounding board and my biggest supporter throughout the summer.
And especially for; Maggsie. I'm not one hundred percent sure this is what you were hoping for. It's not really a terribly cheery post, very little fluff to be had, but hopefully it's mere existence will lift your spirits. This one's just for you (and you know…the nine other people above you) But that's only because I saved the best for last!
Alright, that's enough of that. The freaking hugest author's note on the face of the whole bloody planet. Well? Scram! Go read!
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Putting Matthew in the incubator with his little sister turned out to be a wonderful idea. Even within a couple of hours, she was already showing signs of improvement. And over the next few days, she continued to progress.
I worked out a schedule where I was able to divide my time at the hospital between the babies and Sara, and my time at home between the girls and sleep. Mostly I caught a few hours of sleep while the girls were at school and then played with them when they got home. Then I would spend my nights at the hospital instead of at work.
Sara slept a lot of the time I was with her, but I think that my presence was soothing none the less. Whenever I would step out, to see the babies or just to stretch my legs, she would begin to have violent nightmares. But when I questioned her about them, she refused to comment, choosing instead to bottle it up. I didn't like it, but I knew better than to push her and I couldn't see anything else that I could do.
I was amazed at how supportive my mother was through the whole ordeal. Her little thing with cooking dinner was just the beginning. She would drive the girls to school or pick them up so that I could sleep. She continued to cook our meals. She would even stay over on the couch so that I could visit Sara for longer periods of time.
A week went by, and the doctors decided that Sara was finally healed enough to be put in wheelchair so that she could be taken up to meet her daughter. I had taken pictures to show her, but they just looked really sad and pathetic and it was hard to see how beautiful she was from just a photo.
"She's definitely a Catherine, Cath."
"You're just saying that. You've only seen her for about thirty seconds."
"All the same. I know a Catherine when I see one."
"Sara, we cannot call her Catherine. Think how confusing that's going to be for her."
Sara raised up her good hand. "Hey, as long as the name Catherine is in there somewhere, I don't care what we call her."
I sighed, I could feel myself beginning to cave. "Okay, but I get to pick what we call her."
"Umm…no. That's a decision we make together."
"How about, I give you three names and you pick which one?"
Sara thought for a moment, her eyes drifting over our baby. "What if we give the girls three names and let them pick? That way neither of us has more say than the other?"
I just stared at her. "You want to give three names to a five year-old and hope she picks one we like?"
"Well, the whole point would be that we like all three names. It's not like we're saying 'name her whatever you want."
I rubbed my temples. "Okay. We still need three names."
"Grace was one we both liked a lot."
"Okay, Grace is one. What about Elizabeth? I love Elizabeth."
"Alright, Elizabeth and Grace. And I vote for Diana."
"No. Absolutely not. I will not have a daughter named Diana."
"But you got to pick Elizabeth. And I'm not crazy about that name either. Come on, Cath. It's only fair."
I sighed. "Fine. I'll just have to pray that they don't pick it."
"Come on. Catherine Diana? I think it's got a ring."
"So does Catherine Elizabeth."
"So does Catherine Grace. See? I think we've done well. Now we'll just let the girls pick."
"This is a crazy idea."
"Or is it a brilliant idea?" Sara smiled up at me. "Now, wheel me over to the sink. I want to be able to touch her." We washed Sara's hands and I wheeled her back over to the babies. She reached in to take her daughter's hand. "Hey there, Catherine."
"Sara…" I warned.
"Oh, right. Sorry. Hey there, baby. God, Cath, she's so tiny. I could pick her up in one hand."
"I think she's actually a little bigger than when she was born."
"Compared to Matthew, she's a little midget." She smiled. "Hey, little midget."
I slapped her up the back of the head lightly. "Don't start calling her that, she'll end up dragging it around her entire life."
"What am I supposed to call her? She's like a little elf baby. And she's got your elf ears too. In fact, I think she looks exactly like you."
"I don't care what you call her. Honey. Baby. Scooter. Anything but midget. We short people take that kind of thing personally."
"Scooter?" She raised an eyebrow.
"It was just an example."
"No, I like it." She wiggled the baby's arm. "Hiya, Scooter. What's it like in there? I bet you're pretty bored and would like to come out. Well, don't worry about it. The Dr. Kroger said you're doing so well that tomorrow he's going to take you off oxygen. And then your Mommy and I get to hold you. How does that sound?" The baby squeaked and both Sara and I smiled.
Something occurred to me and I turned to the nurse on duty. "Excuse me? Do you think you could take her hat off just for moment? We want to see what color her hair is."
The nurse smiled, "I could, or I could just tell you. It's red. Bright red."
Sara beamed. "Really? Can we see?"
The nurse nodded and came forward. Carefully she unlocked and removed the top of the incubator. Then she gently pulled the hat off her tiny head.
Sara laughed. "Was your hair ever this red, hon?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. It was redder when I was younger. But I don't remember it ever being that red."
"The sperm donor must have had a recessive gene for red hair. Redheads are so genetically unlikely."
I smiled and gently reached down to touched the soft red fuzz.
"She's going to be a wild one." The nurse prophesized.
"Oh yeah? How can you tell?"
She shrugged, "Just a guess. She's stubborn enough to survive this long. I don't think she'll ever let anybody tell her what she can and cannot do."
Sara and I exchanged glances and then Sara laughed. "If I can handle you, I can handle anything this little one can throw at us."
"She'll be a good girl, won't you sweetheart?" She coughed and it was almost like she was laughing at me.
The next day, I picked the girls up from school and drove to the hospital as we did most days. Lindsey and Ayla would do there homework in Sara's room while Maggie sat on the bed and entertained us. When the older girls were done with their homework, we rounded them up and told them our plan about naming the babies. They were delighted. We gave them their choices. Grace. Elizabeth. Diana. Being the grown-up older sister, Lindsey decided that they needed to go out of the room to discuss it.
When they came back in, they were smiling.
"Well?" I asked expectantly.
"Well, we've talked about it a lot and we've decided."
"What's it going to be?"
Lindsey looked at the other girls and then at the same time they all said. "Elizabeth!"
I grinned triumphantly. Matthew Warren and Catherine Elizabeth. And it had only taken us a week. "Alright! Who wants to go meet baby Catherine Elizabeth? I talked to the doctor and he said that as long you're very careful, you guys can go in. What do you say?"
"Hooray!"
I leaned down and kissed Sara on the forehead. "We'll be back in a flash, darlin'."
"No problem, give Matthew and," she scrunched her nose, "and Elizabeth a kiss for me. Tell them I'll be back to visit them again really soon."
"I will."
I had been afraid that all of the tubes and wires would scare the girls, but they were fascinated. "She's even smaller than Matthew!" Lindsey observed.
"She's really cute though." Ayla encouraged.
"I love her!" Maggie exclaimed, making us all laugh.
When we returned to Sara's room half an hour later, I caught Sara gazing out the window, a pensive expression on her face. "Hey, hon. Are you okay?"
Sara turned toward me slowly, "Yeah. I'm fine." But I knew it wasn't the whole truth. She was holding something back. I pushed back my frown and forced a smile as the girls crowded in from behind me.
Another week later, and Catherine Elizabeth had made an almost entirely full recovery. She was breathing on her own, she was out of the incubator, and she was ready to go home. Sara, too, was ready to leave the hospital. The doctor had shown her how to get around using one crutch, which was great because it meant we didn't have to wheelchair proof the house. She wouldn't be able to manage stairs just yet, which meant she'd be sleeping on the pull out, but at least she'd be coming home.
I would be sleeping in our bedroom because we had turned one corner of it into the babies' room and I had to be near them. Carrying them out of the hospital was liberating after spending so much time behind those suffocating walls. The nurses were sorry to see us go, I think. Over the weeks they had all bonded with the girls and the babies. I carried out Matthew and Sara held Elizabeth as she was wheeled out. I put them in their infant car-seats and helped Sara into the passenger seat.
As for work, it was obvious that both Sara and I would be out of commission for quite a while. Sara needed to recover and I had five children to take care of including two premature infants. But the team couldn't work two bodies short. The only option we had was to find temporary replacements and take three months leave. After those three months were up, I didn't know what we were going to do.
I thought getting Sara home would help liven her spirits a bit, but it didn't. In fact, she only seemed to get worse. The first night we were home, I couldn't sleep because it was not my normal sleeping pattern. I kept playing with the babies when I knew I should be trying to establish a regular sleep schedule. Restless, I came downstairs to get a glass of water only to hear low whining sound coming from the living room. I went in to check on Sara only to find her thrashing about yet again.
I sat down on the edge of the bed. "Sar? Sar, wake up."
She sat up too quickly and grabbed her arm, her face contorted in agony.
"Babe?" I asked hesitantly. "Do you need your meds?"
She shook her head, still trying to breathe through the pain. I sat beside her for several minutes until her labored breaths evened out.
"Are you okay?" I asked the stupid question.
But Sara just shrugged off my concern. "It's nothing."
But I was determined to get something out of her. "No. It's not nothing. You've been having these, these nightmares for weeks now. What's it all about?" I had a feeling I already knew.
Sara bristled. "Goddammit, Cath, I told you it's nothing. Leave it the fuck alone."
I sat back, shocked at the anger in her voice. She hadn't spoken to me like that since we'd gotten together. I felt the old familiar heat in my stomach and in my head. I set my jaw. "I will not leave it the fuck alone. I've just spent the last eight hours taking care of two babies by myself. Feeding them, changing them, holding them. And it's just the beginning. This is the next two years of our lives. It's going to be hard. And right now you're acting like we're not in this together."
"If you hate it so much, maybe having a baby was a mistake."
I frowned as my heart iced over. "Is that what you think?"
She just looked away from me.
I sighed. "Look. You've been detached since we got home, you were short with the girls at dinner, and you won't even talk to me unless I force something out of you. Something's bothering you. I know you're healing and that you've been through a terrible ordeal, but the only way we're going to get through this is if we support each other and communicate. You're not the only one whose hurting here, Sara. Lindsey cries in her sleep, Ayla jumps at loud noises, sometimes I can't even close my eyes without seeing you lying there with blood everywhere. Just talk to me, Sar."
She looked back at me with watery eyes. "Leave me alone, Catherine. I can take care of myself."
I shook my head. "But you don't have to. That's the whole point. I'm your partner, Sara. I will always be here no matter what. I'm here because I want to share in every part of you. Your triumphs and your nightmares. I'm here no matter what."
"What do you want me to say?"
"Anything."
At that moment, the baby monitor in my bathrobe pocket went off as one of the twins started to wail. I needed to get to them before they both started crying and woke up the older girls. I stood and looked at Sara who stared at the sheets. "I love you, Sara. And I'll be here when you want to talk."
But Sara never came to me, and over the next few days, this depression she was in only seemed to get worse. She barely talked to me or the girls, she began to refuse food, and finally, she refused to hold the babies. That was the final straw. I was overly exhausted and I lost it. The minute the girls were out the door and on the way to school, I rounded on Sara.
She was sitting in a chair just staring out the window; she was non-responsive even when I slammed the door. My chest was heaving with anger. "Go to Hell, Sara! You can just go to Hell! I don't know what the fuck you think you're doing but I will not tolerate it in this house. Maybe in your other relationships it was okay to shut the other person out like this, or maybe that's why all of your other relationships failed. Either way, I won't take this. This isn't some fling you can just run away from. I won't let you, god damn it! We're both in this. Do you think there aren't days when all I want to do is curl into a ball and break down?
"Do you think there aren't times when I want to scream my lungs out from the weight of it all? Just get away from it all? Do you think I'm made of stone? But I don't have the luxury of breaking down and neither do you. We have five children, for Christ's sake. I am sick of this. How can you be this selfish? Lindsey hasn't given me this much attitude since her father died. Ayla isn't talking. And Maggie. Maggie thinks she's done something wrong to make you mad at her- it's breaking her heart. I don't know what you're going through, but you seriously need to snap out of it. Or I don't know what I'm going to do."
I expected Sara to retaliate, to say something, anything. But she didn't. She just sat there, staring out the window. Disgusted, I turned away to go clean up the breakfast dishes. Then I went to check on the babies, feed them and change them. I lay on the bed with them, cooing them and comforting them. "I don't know what's wrong with your Mama, little ones. She won't talk to me."
Coming back downstairs, I saw that Sara hadn't moved. When I looked at her face, it was obvious she had been crying. My heart ached. Why wouldn't she just talk to me? Bending over her chair, I gently kissed her forehead. "I love you, Sara." Walking away, I suddenly had an idea. It was time to bring in the big guns. Picking up the phone I dialed a now familiar number. After ten minutes on the phone with Tim, I hung up and dialed a different number. Three rings and a pick up. "Mo? It's Catherine. How about that visit?"
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I waited by the arrivals gate at McCarran International Airport, hands in my pockets, bouncing on my toes. When I saw a familiar face in the crowd, I smiled and waved.
"Catherine! I was expecting to take a taxi to the hotel. They let you out for good behavior?" Maureen was grinning as she dropped her bag and enveloped me in a tight hug.
"My mother and sister decided I needed to get out of the house for the first time in two weeks, or as my mother says it, "Catherine you look like hell, when was the last time you saw daylight?" I laughed.
"Well you look just great to me."
"Yeah, I actually got a shower today, by some miracle. Do you have bags?" We headed over to baggage claim to retrieve Maureen's other bag, and made our way to the parking lot. "Listen, I know how this is going to sound since you just got here, but can we stop for some groceries before we head to the house? My sister has been picking me up basics like bread and milk, but I could really do with a run. And who knows when I'll get another chance?"
Maureen smiled, "I've got three kids under five, not quite as impressive as your brood but still, you don't have to explain anything to me. Let's go, it'll be fun." We got in the car, joking and laughing; it felt good, relaxing. But halfway through the drive, our conversation turned serious. Maureen turned to me. "How is she?"
I sighed. "Not good. She's totally non-responsive. She gets out of bed, she sits in her chair, she goes to physical therapy, she comes home, she sits in that damn chair until dinner, and then she gets back into bed. She won't sleep until she passes out from exhaustion, she suffers from nightmares, and she won't talk to anyone, not even the kids. She won't hold the babies."
Maureen gave me a sympathetic smile.
"I just wish I knew what was wrong."
"You mean you don't?"
"You do?"
"It sounds to me like she's depressed."
"Well, yeah, I kind of figured that one out. I just can't figure out what about."
"Can't you?"
I sighed exasperatedly. "No, I can't. I wouldn't have asked for your help if I had all the answers."
"Calm down," I began to wonder if Mo could do anything without a smile on her face. "I'm not trying to fluster you here. But you and Sara are very different. In some ways, you're also very similar, but in this way, you couldn't be more different. Now, what would you say if I said that Sara was depressed over the shooting and the birth of the babies?"
We paused at a red light and I looked at her, confused. "I'd say you'd be dead to be wrong. Sara wouldn't let something like that come between her and the responsibility of taking care of her children."
"I'm sure that's not what she's trying to do. Sara is nothing if not noble. I think that maybe she thinks she's protecting you all in some way."
I hit the steering wheel. "But she's not! She's making everything worse. It's like she's not even there, Mo. I've never seen her like this."
"I have. More than once. Sara internalizes. You know this."
"But she hasn't done that since we got together."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes!"
"You mean to tell me that she sits there and talks out every hard case she has? That she comes to you with every ounce of her pain and suffering rather than stoically trying to protect you?"
I was silent. I couldn't honestly say that Sara had come to me every time she had a problem. How had I not noticed? Had I been so happy in her presence that I just let it pass?
"That's what I thought." Maureen said.
"She's been doing it this whole time, hasn't she?"
"Probably. Don't get me wrong. I've never seen her happier than when I've seen her with you. And I think you do wonders for her self-esteem. But you didn't really expect to just change thirty years of survival instincts on a dime, did you?"
Again, I was quiet. That's exactly what I had thought. I had grown to believe that simply by being there, I could scare all of Sara's shadows away. It seemed stupid now that I thought about it. I mean, maybe I had helped some before, but now Sara had a whole new set of shadows to deal with. And Maureen was right, Sara obviously thought she was protecting us from her darkness when really all she was doing was pulling us deeper in with her.
"When are Larry and Tim getting in?" Mo asked.
I sighed, grateful for the subject change. "Not until tomorrow. I'm afraid they won't get the luxury treatment, though. I don't know how often I can talk my mother and sister into doing this."
An hour and a half later, Mo and I returned to the house, bags of groceries in tow. The house was oddly quiet, until I heard the splashing and screeching coming from the backyard; pool party. Sara was no where to be seen. Quickly putting the groceries away, I led Maureen outside.
Maggie ran over in her wet bathing suit and hugged my legs. "Guess what?" she asked, waving a chocolate popsicle at me. "You'll never guess. Aunt Nancy let us have fudgesicles!"
I bent down and kissed the chocolate off her cheeks and she giggled. "I see that." I raised an eyebrow at Nancy over the little girl's shoulder. She just shrugged and smiled. "Is it yummy?"
"Mhm. Wanna bite?"
"Maybe later, sweetheart. Sweetie, do you remember Maureen? It's been a long time since you've see her."
"I remember." She turned to Maureen. "Hi! 'Member me? I'm Maggie."
"Of course I remember you, you've gotten so big!"
"I'm in kindergarten now. Not preschool anymore."
"Wow."
"Maggie May? Where's Mama?"
"She's napping in the hammock."
I looked up and sure enough found Sara passed out in the hammock, swinging lightly in the breeze. "Hmm. I think we'd better let her sleep." I looked at Maureen. "Come say hi to the other girls and meet my sister."
"'Kay, but then I want to meet the babies. Where are they?"
"Probably with my mom. She can't get enough of them. Ever since they've been home from the hospital, she can't leave them alone. Nance, is Mom upstairs with the twins?"
My sister looked up from the pool, nodding, "And Miss Abigail. I don't know what she's doing up there with a ten month-old and two infants. Probably thinks she's died and gone to heaven." She stood up from her deck chair and put her paper down. "You must be Maureen." She held out her hand. "I'm Nancy, Catherine's sister."
"Pleasure to meet you."
We chatted with Nancy for a bit, watching the girls play in the pool. Ayla was her typical shy self even though I was sure she remembered Mo, and Lindsey was a little show off, doing cartwheels into the pool and splashing her sisters. After twenty minutes or so, I could tell that Maureen was getting anxious to meet the babies so we excused ourselves from the pool party and I took her upstairs. I knocked on my bedroom door.
"Mom? You in here?"
It was quiet for a minute and then my mother opened the door a crack. "Shh," she admonished, "Abigail is sleeping."
"Mom, this is Maureen Faye, that I told you about? Can we come in and see the twins?"
"Of course, just keep on your inside voices, okay, girls?" She opened the door wider for us and we stepped in.
I wanted to tell my mother that I was a forty-one year old woman, not a girl, but there really didn't seem to be any point. I wanted to point out to her that they were my children and I could take care of them myself. What was the likelihood she would listen? "Thanks, Mom."
My mother took Maureen's hand and led her over to the bed, "Come meet my newest grandchildren." I leaned on the bed post smiling down at the babies, feeling such pride swell in me. Mom picked up Matthew and handed him over to Mo. "This is Matthew in the froggie outfit. And Miss Elizabeth, here, is in the bumblebees." She held Elizabeth up for us to see.
Maureen smiled down at the baby in her arms. "Oh, Catherine! They're gorgeous! Just look at this little man." She jostled Matthew back and forth, smiling down at him. "Hello, there, big guy!"
I reached out and took Elizabeth from my mother. "I know. Aren't they beautiful?" I kissed my daughter's forehead and then pressed her soft cheek to my own as I cradled her.
"They really are. And I'm not just saying that. Contrary to popular belief, not all babies are cute. Of course your own are always the best." She looked over my shoulder at Elizabeth. "Isn't she a doll? So tiny. And look at those big blue eyes."
"I can't get over it. I mean, I'm always proud of the girls and how great they're turning out, but I'd forgotten this feeling, you know?"
Maureen nodded. "And it's wonderful, isn't it?"
"The best."
"Care to trade?"
I smiled. "Sure. Come here, Matthew."
We played with the babies for half an hour or so before bringing them downstairs; Maureen even changed Elizabeth's diaper for me. We put them in the double stroller and let them sleep outside in the shade while we chatted with mother and Nancy and let the girls run around. About twenty minutes into our conversation, Sara stirred in the hammock. We all fell silent as she sat up. No one was sure what to say. I decided to start.
"Sara? Honey? Look who's here."
She looked around and her eyes landed on Maureen who was getting ready to stand up.
"Heya, Bird. How's it going?"
Sara pursed her lips and looked like she was about to speak, but then she just shook her head and crutched her way toward the house.
"Hon?" I called after her, "dinner is at six thirty, okay? It's pan-fried polenta with kale and feta; I know how much you like when we make that." Sara nodded mutely and continued into the house. When the screen door shut behind her, I turned in my seat and sighed. I got sympathetic smiles all around. "I just don't know how to reach her. I've tried being patient. I've tried screaming at her. I've tried everything."
"Maybe she just needs time." My sister suggested.
I shook my head, "I don't think so. I think time is just making it worse."
"Maybe she needs, you know, professional help." My mother raised an eyebrow."
"Sara would never go see a psychiatrist." I ran a hand through my hair, exhausted of this whole ordeal. "I wish I knew for sure what was going on. I don't know if it's post-partum, or if it has something to do with the shooting."
"It's probably to do with both." Maureen spoke for the first time. "I mean, you said she was pretty much okay the first couple of days, right? And then she started having the dreams, and by the time you got home she was basically non-communicative? And now she won't even hold the twins?"
I nodded.
"Well, it sounds like she got worse as her hormones decreased. But I think she must still be reliving the shooting if the dreams are part of it. Maybe she's blaming herself for everything."
"She's not like that, though."
Mo just raised an eyebrow.
I relented. "Okay, she hasn't been like that in a long time."
"Since you got together."
"Basically. We talked out all the stuff she blamed herself for, like Eddie's case and you know…" I shared a look with Maureen. "Other stuff." Maureen nodded. Mother and Nancy did not know about Sara's childhood, and it was not my place to tell them. "We talked about it all, and I thought she came away from it a lot better off. I thought we were through with that."
I stopped talking as we were interrupted by Ayla running over to us, dripping wet. She looked so cute in her glittery rainbow swimsuit. She wiped her long bangs from her face. We had chopped her beautiful long hair boyishly short right before school had started. Sara had thrown a fit. Apparently Matthew and Warren had always wanted her to have long hair. But she was eight years old; beyond the age where she needed help with her hair every morning and still too young to properly care for it all by herself. So I let her tell the hairdresser how short to go. And I thought she looked adorable.
"Miss Ayla Sara?" I pulled her to sit in my lap and kissed her cheek.
"Mommy!" she giggled and jumped off me. "I'm getting you all wet."
"I don't care. I'm going to change before dinner anyway. Now get back here and give me a hug and a kiss. Mommy's had a long day."
Ayla complied and in the process got me completely soaked. Then she pulled away and looked at me, totally serious. "Would you like to talk about it?"
I heard Maureen, Mother, and Nancy stifle laughter, but I kept a straight face. I knew how Ayla would feel at being laughed at. She full expected to be treated like an adult. And she would know if I was brushing her off. So, I pulled her onto my lap and kissed her again. "Well, you know how Mama has been sad for awhile?"
"You mean depressed?"
"Yeah. She's been depressed since she came home from the hospital. And it hurts me to see her like that."
"Why?"
"Because I love her so much. Just like it hurts me when you or your sisters are in pain. I hate it. Plus, it's a lot of work taking care two little babies all the time. I could really use Mama's help."
"I changed Matthew's diaper yesterday."
"I know you did, and you did a very good job."
"If Lindsey and I change more diapers and help feed the babies too, will that help?"
I smiled. "That would help a lot, babycakes. Thank you."
"No problem. Now, will you judge our diving contest to see who is the best? I've been practicing at swim lessons. Maggie has too, but she isn't very good. But don't tell her I said that."
"I won't. Why don't you let Maggie win every once in a while, though, okay? Just so she feels special."
Ayla sighed, long-suffering. "It's because she's only five, isn't it? Nobody ever let's me win at stuff."
"That's because you're so good that you don't need it. Now, go on. We'll judge from here."
We judged the contest and the girls began a game of Marco Polo. After a refill on everybody's iced teas, adults continued talking. "I didn't realize that the girls were calling you 'Mommy,' Cath." Maureen was saying. "When did that start?"
I thought back, "Umm…July, maybe? Yeah, they just thought of it all on their own. They thought it would be confusing for the babies if they were calling us 'Catherine' and 'Sara' when they were learning to talk, and I have to agree. I don't know why we never thought that far ahead. It was so sweet, Sara and I were bawling when they proposed it to us. But we got used to it pretty fast. Now I catch myself calling Sara 'Mama' all the time."
Nancy smiled. "I took them all out for a day of shopping and they shared their whole plan with me. It was so cute. And now they call me 'Aunt Nancy', and Mom, 'Nana.' It's like they were always here."
I watched my three girls giggling and doing handstands in the water. "Watch me, Mommy! Watch me!" Maggie shrieked, as she climbed onto Lindsey's shoulders and leapt into the deep end. "Wow," I called out. "Mags, that was so good. I'm so proud of you."
Maureen smiled and shook her head. "You know, I've got to admit, when I first met you, I didn't know if you'd have what it takes to take on Sara and two little girls. But now, I see you with them and, I don't know. You're such a family. You work so well together. Maggie even looks like you."
"You know, we get that a lot. From teachers, and parents and complete strangers. No one ever questions that I could be her mother. But I never see it. I guess I just see so much of Sara in her. Her face shape is just like Sara's, her little chin, her lips, her long lashes. Not as much as Ayla, because her hair is so much darker and her eyes are that serene gray. But she laughs like Sara and bites her fingernails like her."
"But she's so much more personable than Sara and Ayla." Put in Nancy.
"And she's not afraid to be different. She's an attention seeker, just like you were at that age." Mom added. "Just like you've always been."
"Let's just hope it doesn't take her down the same road it took me."
Mom shook her head. "It won't. You handle her better than I handled you. You let her express herself. You encourage her. I never did that with you when perhaps I should have." She took a sip of her iced and caught my gaze. "You're doing a great job with her. With all of them. I'm very proud of you."
My breath caught in my throat, I was so moved. "Thank you," I whispered. Glancing at the sun and then at my watch, I stood up, yelling, "Okay, five minute warning. We're gonna get out, get in the shower, get dressed and get ready for dinner, okay? No complaining."
"But Mom…"
I looked at Lindsey. "What did I just say?"
"No complaining." Linds sounded sulky.
"That's right. Now, if we can get showered and dressed with no fighting and in under half an hour, I might consider letting you have dessert."
"Even though we already had fudgesicles?" Maggie asked.
"Even though you had fudgesicles."
"What kind of dessert?" Ayla wanted to know, clearly weighing the pros and cons of the situation.
"Umm…" I pretended to think. "What if we made butterscotch chip cookies and then just ate the-"
"COOKIE DOUGH!!" All three girls chorused suddenly all swimming for the ladder.
Maureen laughed, standing. "Why don't I take care of the little ones while you supervise shower time?"
I smiled gratefully at her. "Thanks." I looked at my towel-clad girls and clapped my hands. "Alright, everybody upstairs. Ayla and Maggie in my shower, Linds in the hall shower. Everybody better be scrubadub-dubbing by the time I get up there. Hurry up! Go! Go! Go!" They all giggled and plowed past us into the house. I turned to Mom and Nancy. "Are you two staying or going?"
They stood up too. "I've got to get going. Mitch and Jeremy are getting back from a baseball game any minute and I promised spaghetti and meatball night. Abby is just getting into solid food; meatballs are a fave."
I looked to my mother as we started walking for the door. She waved a hand. "No offense, but I can't stand that vegetarian crap you make. I'll just call Roberta and see if she's up for a cocktail at the Venetian."
"Mom, you can't just drink your calories."
She raised an eyebrow at me in a depressingly familiar way. "I can do whatever I please, thank you very much."
I sighed. I would not win this one. "Alright then, suit yourself. I'll call you in the morning?"
She brushed cheeks with me on both sides. "Sounds good, dear."
I hugged Nancy and waved to my mother who was halfway down the walk, then I turned back to Maureen. "I'll really just be a minute. It's just, Maggie hasn't quite gotten the hang of washing her hair yet."
She waved a hand. "Been there, done that. Go on. We'll have fun down here."
I smiled gratefully and ran upstairs to fulfill my motherly duties.
That night after dishes had been cleared and little bodies had been dressed in pajamas and tucked into bed, Maureen and I found ourselves back outside, sipping wine and talking in low voices to avoid waking Sara, apparently sleeping inside. We discussed the goings on of San Francisco and who was up to what. But eventually our conversation returned to Sara and what to do. Because something had to be done.
"I'm just so tired of this. I need her here with me and right now it feels like she's off in some other universe."
"I think she is. The question is, how do we get her back to this one?"
I ran a hand through my hair, exhausted. "I don't know. I wish I knew."
"Well then, let's think about it. There has to be an answer. She's depressed, she's not talking, she's not interacting with the kids, and I saw how she was picking at her food tonight."
"I don't see how she let it get this far. I mean, doesn't she get what this is doing to our family?"
"I'm sure she does. It must be that whatever reason she's using to justify her behavior is something really big. What you have to do is make her realize that whatever it is, it's not worth it."
I nodded, thinking. "Maybe if I just sat her down and refused to let her leave until she talks to me."
Mo looked at me like I was off my head. "You want to hold her hostage? Yeah, that'll be really good for her mental health."
I slapped her on the arm, sloshing her wine. "No. Not hold her hostage. Although maybe we should take her crutch so she can't get away…I just want her to understand what she's doing to us. Will you help me out?"
"Hmm. I don't know. Sounds risky. Maybe we should wait until Larry and Tim get here. They might be able snap her out of it some."
"Maybe if we all got together and talked to her."
"You want to stage an intervention?"
"Yeah. I want her to really listen to me and not tune me out like she's been doing. I think if you guys were there it would do the trick."
Mo thought about it for a minute. "Well, I guess this is why I came down here. Sure. Why not?"
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Larry and Tim arrived the next day, but this time I could not be liberated to pick them up from the airport. They got to the house just after noon, and I had never been happier to see familiar faces. Mother and Nancy had both been at work all day and Maureen was enjoying the thrills of Las Vegas. The girls were at school, but the twins had been fussy all night and day, and Sara was trying my very last nerve. She wouldn't even pretend to eat breakfast that morning, she ignored the girls' attempts to kiss her goodbye, and she refused to change out of her pajamas so that I could wash them.
I answered the door in ripped jeans and Sara's Red Sox jersey, my unwashed hair up in a messy bun, and a wailing Elizabeth cradled in my arms. I was harried to say the least. "Hush, hush." I instructed my daughter as I opened the door to two smiling faces. I relaxed immediately when I saw them.
"Catherine!" Tim exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "Just look at you; fully domesticated, I see. And who is this little bundle of joy?"
At the sound of new voices, Elizabeth had quieted like she hadn't all day. I sighed my relief. When I looked up again, I met with blue eyes behind thick spectacles. "Larry."
His eyes crinkled with mirth. "My dear, Lady Catherine. It's an honor to see you again."
I smiled. "Likewise."
He looked down at Elizabeth. "What do we have here?"
I lifted her up and touched noses. She promptly sneezed. "This is Catherine Elizabeth Sidle-Willows. Elizabeth. But the girls have started calling her Lizzie. Not sure how I feel about it."
"Elizabeth. Will you just look at that hair? Looks like you're going to have your hands full with this one."
"I already do. She woke me up four times last night. And she hasn't let me have a moment's peace all morning. She's got her brother all riled up now too." Realizing my manners, I stepped aside. "Come in! Have you been to your hotel yet?"
"Yes, yes. Lovely room. Now, where's the other newest addition to the bunch? Matthew, is it?"
"Yes. He's upstairs. If one of you will just take her, I'll bring him down."
"Oh, me! That's me!" Tim jumped on the balls of his feet, thrilled.
I handed Elizabeth over and headed upstairs. "Hey, buddy!" I picked him up from the crib and found him wet. "It's time to come meet your Uncle Larry and Uncle Tim!" Changing him, I returned downstairs to find Tim bouncing around the kitchen with Elizabeth. "Where's Larry?"
Tim pulled a face. "He's talking to Sara. I thought I'd give them a moment to chat."
"I doubt there'll be much chatting."
"Is she that bad?"
"I haven't heard her talk at all in about a week. I hear her crying at night in her sleep. But as soon as I come in to check on her, she shuts down."
Tim patted my arm encouragingly. "Don't worry. We'll fix her up. Is this Matthew?"
I nodded, smiling.
"Just look at him! That blonde hair. Oh, he'll be a looker, for sure. A true ladies man, take my word for it."
"You never know, he could always end up a man's lady. That would be just fine with Sara and me."
Tim shook his head. "Not this one. My gaydar is flat as a dead man's pulse."
"He's a month old."
"Trust me, sweetheart. Timothy can always tell these things. What you've got there is a grade A, red-blooded, sports-lovin', chick-magnetizing, heterosexual male. But a good one."
I looked at Matthew, staring up at the ceiling fan going around. "Well, whatever he is, he's just perfect."
"That's the spirit. Where's Maureen?"
"Enjoying the craps tables last time I talk to her. She's coming over as soon as I drop Sara off at physical therapy. Do you think you and Larry could watch them while I'm out? Or do you just want me take them with me?"
Tim waved a hand. "Don't be ridiculous. We'd be glad to look after the little tikes."
By the time I returned from dropping Sara off, Maureen was at the house, and she and Larry and Tim were crooning over the babies. I smiled at them and then bent down to kiss Elizabeth and Matthew. "Hey, sweethearts, Mommy's home." I looked up, "Did they behave?"
"Of course. They were little angels."
"Any upsets?"
"Not a one. Now, let's get down to business; what are we going to do about Sara?"
So we talked. We discussed what we were trying to do and what the best way to go about it was. We passed the babies around as we chatted and I was overcome. I had never had friends like this, who were willing to stick with me through anything. I thought about how lucky Sara was to have had this for most of her adult life, and how lucky I was, to finally be sharing in it.
In the end, we decided that the best thing we could possibly do is talk to Sara, calmly and rationally, and try to make her see how her destructive behavior was affecting us all. The talk would take place as soon as the girls left for school the next day, and Maureen, Larry, and Tim promised to hold my hand the whole time. I was desperately afraid of losing control if Sara didn't snap out of it. And soon.
Kissing the girls and pushing them out the door, the next morning, I wiped my sweating hands on my jeans. I was nervous. Minutes later, Larry and Tim's rental car pulled up with Maureen's only seconds behind. Mo gave me a reassuring smile as she passed me, Larry squeezed my arm gently, and Tim winked jovially.
I took a deep a deep breath and followed them into the house. Sara casually ignored us as I got drinks for everyone and we took up seats in the living room. She had yet to move from the sofa bed to her chair by the window. I didn't want her isolating herself while we were trying to talk to her. It was agreed that I should begin, but I had no idea what to say that I hadn't already said. How could I make her understand?
"Sara? Hon?" I started hesitantly. "We were sort of hoping that we could talk to you."
She looked at me briefly and then hid behind her hair. Okay.
"Sweetheart?" I tried again, gently. "This is really important, and I really need you to listen to me."
No response.
I could feel my impatience rising. Why didn't she get how important this was? "Sara, you can't-" but I was cut off by a soothing hand on my arm. Mo's.
"Sara?" She asked, her tone much calmer than mine. "Remember the Christmas that you finally broke up with Vicki? For good this time? And I took you home with me and you cried for what seemed like hours. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" Mo waited for Sara to answer, but when she didn't, she continued on. "You told me that if you ever got into a destructive pattern like that ever again that I had to shake you until you snapped out of it. Well, girly-bird, it's right about that time."
Sara shifted in her seat but remained silent.
Tim tried. "Sara," he put his hand on her thigh and then quickly withdrew it when she stiffened. "We want to work with you, honey. Try and find a solution to this thing."
Surprisingly, this drew a reaction from her. She snorted. "There is no solution," she said darkly, still not coming out from behind her curtain of hair.
"Honey, you've got to at least let us try."
"There's no point." This was as talkative as she'd been all week and I was surprised. I think Maureen's words shook her, for whatever reason.
"Don't say that." I was more than a little desperate to get her to open up. "Just talk to me. We can get through this."
"Why are you even talking to me?" She sounded incredulous.
"What?" I asked, taken aback. "What do you…? I just told you. I love you and this needs to end before it turns into something worse. I don't want to lose you."
She sighed and sat back, looking towards the window. "You should." We were all silent for a while after that. I felt so out of my element.
"If I may make a suggestion?" Larry spoke up for the first time. His voice drew Sara's attention and she looked up. Larry looked to me and I nodded. "Well, I just thought that perhaps this would be a bit simpler if we-"
The baby monitor on the table began to emit pathetic, pitiful wails. Everyone looked at me. Everyone except for Sara. Her easy dismissal of me and the cries of her child hurt more than it should have. I stood shakily. "I'd better go see what's up." I looked around our group of friends. "Give me five minutes?" They nodded their assent and I tip-toed from the room and up the stairs.
When I reached the bedroom, I quickly shut the door and leaned against it. I exhaled deeply. Okay. I could handle this. I covered my eyes with my hand and pinched the bridge of my nose. This had to work. I couldn't lose Sara. My heart couldn't take it, but more importantly my family couldn't afford yet another trauma.
I was disrupted from my thoughts by distressed squeaking from across the room.
Looking down into the crib, I had to smile. The twins were beginning to develop their own little personalities and they couldn't be more different. Matthew slept in the fetal position with his arms and legs curled under him, while Elizabeth liked to be on her back, arms and legs stretched wide and open like she was welcoming the world. It was Elizabeth who was crying- it usually was. Matthew cried for food and diaper changes. Elizabeth was clearly a little drama queen, because sometimes she seemed to cry just for the fun of it. Just for the thrill of getting me to climb the stairs one more time. Still. I couldn't just leave her there.
"Oh," I reached into the crib and pulled her into my arms. "Hello, my little angel girl, what's the matter, huh? Do you need some extra special attention? Is that it?" Her eyes were closed, but I could swear she was smirking sheepishly at me. She stopped crying the moment I picked her up. "You little faker! There's nothing wrong with you, is there? I bet you're not even wet. Let's check." But I was wrong; she was wet. And that's not all. I laid her out on the changing table. "Little girl, you're about an hour and a half ahead of schedule in the poopy department. You haven't even eaten since the last time we did this. So tell me, where did all this come from?"
Elizabeth gurgled and flailed her arms excitedly as I wiped her down.
"You don't say!" I finished cleaning her up and strapped her into a new diaper. "Well, that's just amazing!" Just as I settled her on my shoulder, Matthew started to go off. I sighed. I lay Elizabeth in the middle of our bed and turned to lift her brother out of the crib.
"What's up, big guy?" I kissed his head. Checking his diaper, I found him clean. Shifting him into one arm, I scooped his sister up with the other and lay down on the bed with both of them resting on my chest. At a little over a month old, Elizabeth was finally gaining weight and topped in at just over six and a half pounds. Matthew was nearing ten. They both had healthy appetites, but it wasn't time to feed them just yet. I sighed, leaning back against the pillows. "What am I going to do with you two?" Elizabeth grabbed onto the neckline of my shirt and began to suck on it. I smiled sadly and nuzzled the orange peach fuzz on her head. "You're just my little snuggle bunnies, aren't you? You are. My sweetlings. Sweetlings, I'm in way over my head here. I'm lost. And trust me, this Mommy does not like being lost. Your Mama's in trouble. It's like she's disappearing and I can't do anything to stop it. And it makes me ache. Seeing her in so much pain; it's tearing me apart- it's tearing our family apart. It's killing me to see her this way and not be able to do anything to help her. I just wish she would tell me what's wrong. Am I doing something wrong?" I felt the telltale tightening in the back of my throat just seconds before my eyes began to fill.
As tears of frustration, anger, and despair trickled down my cheeks, I let one quiet coughing sob escape me. "She's the love of my life, your Mama. Did you know that? I waited forty years to find her and now she's just slipping away. I can't let that happen." Gently, I lay them one at a time onto the coverlet and leaned over them, my head propped on my elbow. As I traced tickling lines over their tummies, my tears dried and my impatience and anger began to show through. "Does she have any idea what she's doing to this family? We've worked so hard to put it together only to have her tear it apart with no explanation as to why. Your Auntie Mo says she must have a good reason, but I can't think of anything that could justify her behavior. If you love somebody enough, you don't let anything get in the way of that. I know she loves your sisters. I know she loves you." My melancholy returned. "It must be me, then. Her love for me just isn't enough to overcome this… whatever this is. I'm not enough." I sniffed conspicuously. The twins had fallen back to sleep. Elizabeth's tiny hand was pressed into her brother's chest. "Time for a nap, I guess. I had better get back anyway. Thanks for listening, my angels." I carefully put them back in their crib and quietly left the room.
Coming down the stairs, the living room was strangely silent. As I entered, bowed heads came up to look at me. Everyone wore matching somber expressions. I furrowed my brow. "What?" I caught Maureen's eyes. She looked down and I followed her gaze. "Shit." I shut my eyes in attempt to ward off an anxiety attack. There, clutched between Sara's trembling hands was the baby monitor. And there were streams of tears running down her cheeks. She couldn't look at me.
Larry spoke first. "I think Timothy and I might go out onto the patio to finish our drinks."
"Why don't I join you?" Mo suggested.
Larry nodded and in a matter of a minute, the room was empty save Sara and myself. I stood from my place leaning in the doorway. "Sar?" I asked tentatively. When she didn't respond, I moved closer and sat on the edge of the pull out.
We sat that way for several minutes, until Sara finally spoke in a hoarse voice. "I never meant to…" She looked up at me with sad eyes. "You've always been enough, Cath. I never wanted for you to doubt my love for you." She looked away again. "But I don't know how to do this."
I slid closer and cautiously covered one of her hands with mine. "Do what?"
Sara dropped her head and her curtain of hair fell across her face. "If I had never presented the evidence at Ray Ruiz's trial, this never would have happened."
I blinked, stunned. "You blame yourself for what happened?"
"You don't?"
"Of course not. That was no one's fault except the perps'. C'mon, Sar. How many times do we have do this with victims and their families? You had no control over that situation. It was in no way your fault."
"But the girls could have died, Greg was shot, Elizabeth was born sick. We almost lost her."
"Yeah, we did. But not because of anything you did or didn't do. And she's fine now. If you would spend any time with her, you would know that."
Sara flushed guiltily. "It's not that I don't want to, Cat. It's just that every time I see them, it reminds me of how close we came to losing them. I feel like I don't deserve them. Or any of you."
"Well, I think that's a load of bullshit. And whether you deserve them or not, you have them. And they aren't going anywhere. But Sara, you do deserve them, and lord knows you deserve better than me. But I'm never going anywhere either."
Sara looked up, startled. "Cath…there's no one better for me than you."
"Then why are you avoiding me? Why don't you talk to me?"
"I…" She shook her head. "I've been having these dreams. First I hear the shot. But it's not me that's been hit. It's you. I keep seeing your expression as you fall. Sometimes he just kills you, sometimes he drags the girls out and I'm forced to watch them fall. One by one. Other times, I see it exactly how it happened. Except Greg isn't there to save me. He shoots my stomach, and as I lay there, I can feel their little lives just slipping away." She looked up at me, glassy-eyed. "And every time I wake up I wonder what the hell I'm still doing here. When you come down the stairs every morning? I wonder how you can even look at me. What I did put our whole family in danger. How can you not hate me?"
I shook my head. "Sara, our jobs put us in harm's way everyday. We both know the risks. So unless you were secretly in cahoots with Ruiz, plotting or something, there is no way that you're to blame. For any of it."
Her eyes shone with uncertainty and unshed tears. "Yeah?"
I rubbed her hand softly. "Yeah." I quirked an eyebrow and changed my tone. "What you are responsible for, however, is your behavior. The way you've treated me and your children over the last three weeks…Sar, do you have any idea how much you scared me? I was going out of my mind. Not only is what you did extremely hurtful, it's just fucking unacceptable."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"We don't have the luxury of being able to lose our heads, Sara. I've ached for you, but I've also wanted to kill you. I can't raise two infants on my own, period. I can't run this household all by myself. We were a team. Without you, this life that we've built just doesn't work."
"What do you want me to say?"
"That you'll stop. Say you'll stop. Say you'll start acting like the woman I fell in love with. I know the dreams aren't going to magically disappear, and on a lot of levels you are going to feel guilty for a long time. I can't help those things. But you can. By making an effort to move on. The shooting was terrible. Nobody knows that better than me. But it's over. It's over. We've both survived worse. You're going to get passed this. Even if you have to fake it for a little while, will you please just come back to me? I've really missed you."
"I've missed you, too." Her grip tightened around my fingers and she sighed, nodding. "Okay. But you've got to be patient, Cath. I can't just spring back overnight."
"I know that. But as long as you're willing to try, I'm willing to pick up the slack."
"Alright. Where do we begin?"
"You could start by kissing your wife."
Sara pulled back. "Cat, I should warn you that I haven't brushed my teeth yet."
"Do I look like I give a damn? I haven't had so much as a peck in nearly a month. Now, get over here and kiss me!"
"Yes, ma'am!" Sara saluted me, grinning. There was a light in her eyes that had been missing for a while.
Several minutes later found us resting our foreheads together and breathing deeply. I gently nuzzled my nose against hers, kissed the corner where her lips met, and then sucked her lower lip into my mouth. "Mmm." Releasing her, I whispered in her ear, "I love you."
Gingerly, she wrapped both arms around me. In that moment, the baby monitor between us let us know that there a little girl upstairs that was desperately in need of attention. Seconds later, a second cry joined the first.
I glanced at the clock then smiled at Sara. "Lunchtime. You up for it? I can't feed them both at once and it's so sad to have to listen to one cry as you feed the other."
Sara hesitated before nodding. "Sure. You want me to go heat up bottles? And you can bring them downstairs?"
"Sounds like a plan." I kissed her one more time. "Thank you for talking to me, for trusting me."
"Thank you for pushing me, and for guiding me out of my mental haze. I know where I would be without you, and I never want to be there again."
I stood and helped her up. "C'mon. We've got the rest of our lives for all that mushy stuff. Right now, I just want to watch my wife feed our child. I can't imagine anything more beautiful than that."
Sara's eyes sparkled as she pulled me flush against her. She bent to whisper sensually in my ear. "Neither can I." Her kiss this time was filled with unrestrained passion. "Neither can I."
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Now wait a minute, hear me out…you have every right to be angry with me for taking so long to update. But would failing to review really make you feel better? I didn't think so. Readers, lovelies, there is no need to retaliate with nasty or nonexistent feedback.
I'm sure you remember how this works. The more reviews, the faster the update. It hasn't changed. You should also take into account that this is a nearly thirty page update. That takes some serious work on my part. Alright? Alright. Go forth and review!