Meredith slowly wakes up, vaguely aware of the beeping sounds that are echoing through the background. She feels…light. There is an oxygen mask on her face and when she lifts her hand up to her face, she discovers that she has an IV. She feels a hand grab her wrist. She knows that hand. That hand knows her. That hand knows her very well.
Suddenly, his face is in her line of sight, hovering above her. His eyes are red and she instinctively moves her hand to her stomach. "The baby?!!?" she gasps as she begins to panic, slowly becoming aware of the situation. Hospital. Contractions. Darkness.
"Mer," he whispers as he runs his hand lightly over her forehead, smoothing her hair back out of her face, "the baby is fine at the moment. You passed out. Mom thinks you might have a tear in the placenta, but she still needs to make sure." He tries to be as calm as possible, but he knows that some of his fear escapes into his tone. He is utterly terrified, how can it not?
Tears run down Meredith's face as her eyes dart nervously around the room. This cannot be happening. This cannot be happening now. She cannot lost her son. She can't. She can't kill the only thing she has ever had any responsibility for. She can't kill the one thing that she loves more than anything else. She can't. She can't destroy it. She just can't.
She doesn't deserve love. She doesn't deserve a family. She doesn't deserve Derek. She deserves to be alone and miserable. She deserves to lose the baby, but Derek doesn't. Derek doesn't deserve to lose the baby. His family doesn't deserve to lose the baby. The baby doesn't deserve to die.
She begins to panic. Her breaths quicken and she can feel a slight tightening in her chest. She grips the bed sheet tightly, her knuckles turning white. Derek notices her erratic behavior and immediately sits down on the edge of the bed. He disentangles her hand from its death grip on the sheet and entwines her fingers with his.
"Meredith," he says in the most calming voice he can manage, "you need to breathe. Breathe with me. Can you do that? Can you breathe with me?" he asks, the desperation seeping in.
Meredith nods as she locks eyes with him. She finds a little comfort just looking at him, knowing that he is there. But what if he leaves? What is he leaves her like everyone else in her life?
"You need to do this, Mer. You need to do this for the baby," he says as he begins to caress her arm slowly with his long fingers.
She swallows as she nods, forcing the bile of ill thoughts down back into her abdomen. She needs to do this. She needs to do this for her baby. Derek begins to inhale and exhale long and steady breaths as he attempts to work with her to bring her BP down. She breathes with him, the oxygen filling her lungs and slowly allowing her tense muscles to relax.
Just as Derek opens his mouth to speak, his mother walks back into the room. She glances at Meredith before looking back to her son. "She was starting to have a panic attack," he explains, quickly returning his attention back to Meredith.
Mrs. Shepherd pulls on a pair of gloves before making her way over to Meredith. "Okay, Meredith, I'm going to examine you now and make sure that the bleeding has stopped and then I'm going to do an ultrasound," as Mrs. Shepherd finishes speaking, a tech rolls the ultrasound machine into the room.
Derek leans down to Meredith. "I will be just outside while she does the exam," he says in a comforting voice, trying not to betray his own fears.
As he turns to walk away, Meredith reaches out and grabs his hand. "Stay," she manages, "please?"
He can't deny her pleading voice and is immediately back by her side. His mother places Meredith's feet in the stirrups. She is too worried about the baby to think about Derek's mom examining her. Derek runs his fingers along her cheek, forcing her to look at him. "Just look at me, Mer. I'm going to stay right here. Just keep your eyes on me," he says in a soft tone.
Before she knows it, Mrs. Shepherd is standing up and looking down at her. She can see the worried look on her face. She can see it and it scares the shit out of her. "Meredith, there is still some bleeding. It's not much, but it is there," she says as she removes her gloves. "I want you to sit up. Derek, raise the bed a bit," Mrs. Shepherd says as she lifts Meredith's gown up to reveal her abdomen. "Now, this is going to be cold," she tells Meredith before squirting the gel on her stomach.
Meredith winces slightly at the sensation, a chill running through her core. She stills as Mrs. Shepherd moves the wand over her stomach, spreading the gel. She waits. She waits for the image of her son to appear on the screen. The image of [itheir[/i son. A grainy image fills the screen and she searches for him. She searches for him in the midst of the static. The swooshing of the heartbeat once again fills the room as the wand finds him. The wand finds him but Meredith continues to search desperately. What kind of mother is she? She can't even find her own son.
Almost as if she can read her thoughts, Mrs. Shepherd points to a small blob on the screen, outlining it with her finger. "There is your son," she whispers in an awe-struck voice, seeing the tiny image of her grandson for the first time. Her babies first baby. She looks up and meets the tear-filled eyes of Meredith and Derek.
Meredith reaches out and runs her fingers over the screen, wanting to touch him, wanting to hold him, wanting to keep on loving him. "He's beautiful," she whispers to no one in particular.
"He's perfect," Derek whispers in response. He finally tears his eyes away from the monitor and looks at Meredith. "Just like his mother," he adds in a voice full of love.
Meredith blushes furiously as she fights down the rising bile. "I'm not perfect," she whispers so quietly that he almost doesn't hear her. If only he knew how imperfect her imperfections are.
Mrs. Shepherd turns off of the monitor and turns to the expecting parents. Her expecting parents. Her children. She fights the tears as she speaks. "Meredith," she says as she reaches out and grabs the terrified woman's frail hand, frail just like the rest of her, "you have a tear in your placenta. It must have been from the fall in the hallway." Mrs. Shepherd pauses a moment, inhaling deeply before continuing. "I'm not going to lie to you, you two are my children, and I'm not going to lie to you." She takes one more deep breath before continuing. "The baby is in distress from the contractions and surgery at this moment would only add to that. That being said, if we wait too long to perform the surgery, it could put the baby in even more distress."
"So what are you saying?" Meredith asks in a shaky voice.
Derek knows. Derek knows exactly what his mom is saying. "She saying," he manages in a cracked voice, "that it's a balancing act. If she operates to soon, you could go into premature labor that she won't be able to stop. If she waits to long, the baby could suffer from oxygen deprivation." Derek drops his head in his hands, unable to stare into the horror-stricken face of Meredith any longer.
Meredith quickly glances at Mrs. Shepherd. "Please tell me you have amazing balance. I need to hear that you have amazing balance. I can't. I can't. He can't. I can't lose him. I can't! I just can't lose him!" she sobs as she falls back on the bed, her words meaning so much. She can't take losing the baby. She can't lose the baby. She can't lose Derek. She can't lose them. She can't lose the only two people in her life who have made her feel remotely human. If she loses the baby, she will lose Derek. She can't. She can't even fathom the emptiness she will feel. She can't fathom the gaping holes that will be left in her abdomen and her heart. She can't. It hurts to much. It hurts to much to even think about it.
Meredith Grey's life is an intricate balancing act, her unborn son on one side and Derek on the other. His mother holds the scale. His mother holds the scale and the ability to cause her world to come tumbling down with the slightest upset in the delicate balance.
It's a miracle this got done. I have the flu and a physics test on wednesday that i havent started studying for because ive been sick all day...so yeah..hope you liked it.
-marci