The rest of the morning we had DADA and double potions, I loved potions with Slughorn.
During potions Lily didn't really say anything about that class, for which I was grateful. She knew when to say what.
"So what was all that about?" Okay maybe not.
"I don't know what you mean." Maybe if I really tried she would drop it.
"You know very well what I mean, Alex." Oh who was I kidding? This is Lily, who talks everything to death.
But I could be stubborn as well. "Lily, I really have no idea what you are talking about." I said in my best I'm-trying-to-be-patient voice.
She made an impatient noise at my obstinacy, "You were pretty rude to Ms. Snyder, you would have physically hurt Angelica if Remus hadn't stopped you and you weren't even subtle when you told Mandy to forget about Sirius."
"Well one: it's a literature class and she asked me what I felt and that's exactly what I did. I didn't mean to offend her or anything. Two: I hate Goldberg. Three: I don't care as long as Mandy gets it and it helps her. Black is a big boy."
The bell rang and we walked out, heading for DADA.
"Fair enough." She nodded, nearly running into a Slytherin creep. (I'm not prejudiced, but this bastard once picked on a first year and had I not interrupted he would have hexed him pretty bad. The kid had been so scared, I could practically taste it.) "You know you pretend not to care about others, but you do." She said randomly as we took our seats in the back.
I raised my eye brow. "Well you do. It's the little things you do, and don't think I don't notice them. You care, Alex. If you didn't you wouldn't have told Mandy what you did today in front of everyone. You remember saving that first year. The little thing had been so scared and you, Merlin, Alex, I could feel the anger radiating off you and the way you disarmed Stone, a Slytherin boy who's a year ahead of you… You had to have used some of your wiccan powers then." And I had. I had mentally pressed an artery of Stone's wand hand which made him drop his wand. He still doesn't know what happened that day. "You backed down from Angelica when Remus told you too, if you didn't care about him or what he thinks you wouldn't have listened to him." I had opened my mouth to interrupt her but she gestured me to shut up. "Empathy is one of your powers, Alex. Empathy is the ability to feel what others feel, and that gives you insight to real emotions, insight to who the person really is. You should be able to know who you can trust and who you can't. Also it makes you more attuned to your surroundings; makes you more sensitive. And Merlin knows why you hide it. The sensitivity, I mean. It wouldn't hurt you to show people what you really are underneath all that anger, sarcasm and cynicism." There was one thing about Lily, she always spoke with such passion and conviction that even if she was saying something wrong it would seem right to you.
"Can we not talk about this now?" I knew she would say something similar to what she just did. It's what she always said. My Wicca powers were a source of disagreement between the two of us. I always told her she wouldn't get it, and she told me if she didn't know what it was, if I didn't explain it then she surely wouldn't. I didn't want to talk about the morality of my powers so I rushed on, "And my telepathy and empathy don't work the normal way. I have to focus on the person who's feelings I want to feel, otherwise it's just like a constant wave up here." I waggled my fingers around my temple. "Agreed there are times during emotional… I don't know.. when I'm kinda emotionally funky my powers grow exponentially like during breakfast today but that doesn't mean…."
Lily had been practising her wand movement when she looked up sharply, "Oh yes, what happened during breakfast today?"
"Nothing significant."
She snorted. "Yes that agruement with Sirius was nothing signficant. The fact that you called him a bastard and he said that you suffer from constant PMS was nothing significant." She was emphasising on each word, something she only did when she was starting to get angry. I squirmed. What? I do feel fear, a red head getting angry is scary.
"Well I sorta… I don't even know. You see, Black's elbow kept brushing mine all morning. And he wouldn't even scoot over, it wasn't like I had any place to move. He's so stupid and aroogant." I said half- heartedly. The mention of today morning had brought back all the thoughts that I didn't want to think about. Ever.
Lucky for me the bell rang. I closed my book and put it in my bag and stood up. Lily patiently did the same, walking towards the door waiting for me to talk.
"Am I a bitch to everyone Lily?." I asked abruptly.
"I beg your pardon."
"You heard me. And you heard what he said. So am I a bitch to everyone?" I asked again.
Lily stopped walking and I turned to face her. She took a deep breath, stalling for time, to think of an answer no doubt. "You're only mean to the people you're afraid you'll get attached to." She said after we'd walked a while. "You're always looking for an excuse to push people away. What better way than be a bitch to them? I don't know when you're going to realize that not everyone is going to leave you, Allie. Look at Remus, James… even Mandy and Alice. It's time you let your guard down a little."
I didn't know what to say. She knew me so well. When she finally realized I wasn't going to say anything, she just shook her head "Come on, let's go for lunch."
I could only nod and follow. What else was I supposed to say to that? It was the second time in one day that someone else had gotten the last word. I was losing my touch.
--
Ever had that funny feeling in your stomach? The kind that makes you feel like you're going to throw up any moment; that fluttery feeling bang in the middle of your abdomen that is accompanied by lightheadedness and dizziness; the kind that makes you think you are kinda floating around, yet still your feet are firmly planted on good old Earth?
Have you ever felt that blood rushing to your brain the way it does when you hang upside down for a really long time?
Ever felt feverish, really giddy?
Have you ever felt all this at the same time?
Ever felt all this AND felt happy at the same time?
No, I haven't gone kooky in the head; this is what Alice says she feels whenever Frank Longbottom is around her. This is why, after scoffing at her I stalked out of the dorm, because I couldn't, just couldn't take the heavy sighs and squealing of the other girls as they agreed with her. When I heard Alice talk like that again (she's been talking like that ever since last year, and I think if she really feels so 'strongly' for Longbottom then she better do something. After all this is his last year) I wanted to barf, really, all that lovely Shepard's pie and roasted potatoes and grilled chicken and treacle pudding and chocolate pie and chocolate ice cream was going to come right out and seriously would you stay in the same room with a person who would make all these delicious yummy things that the lovely, lovely, lovely little house elves slaved (figuratively speaking, of course) over. Okay, seriously, I just can't help but think that if she really wanted something this bad she would have done something about it by now. But no. Nothing. I guess she's waiting for Frank to make the first move. At this point, no one seems more foolish than Alice, not even those stupid trolls disguised as students gallivanting about; oh come on, I'm talking about Crabbe and Goyle. Moving on, Alice talked about love at first sight, and true love and eternity and what not? I mean come on girl, you're only sixteen. There's plenty of time for true love and all that later on, and love at first sight? Pah, I believe in taking a deeper look.
Anyway, the rest of the stuff, I didn't believe it then either. The nausea, the butterflies-in-tummy-syndrome, lightheadedness… and all that jazz, I think it's a load of crap. Which is why here I am, away from them, with a bag of good old gummi bears in my lap.
"Hey."
I looked up from where I was looking into the fire and into Lily's eyes, "Hey yourself."
She sat down next to me on the couch that was placed in front of the fire in the common room. It was empty, considering it was just past midnight. I sighed, "Do you love James, Lils?"
She was silent for a while, "I do. I might not have told him yet, but I do. It wasn't something that happened overnight, I did hate him at one point. But you know what they say about there being a thin line between love and hate; I guess that's true after all. I didn't realize just when I crossed over to the other side. To hate something you have to have loved it at one point. But if you truly don't love it, then it shouldn't matter to you at all; be indifferent to it. I was never indifferent to James. Everything he did either irked me or was something that I found very endearing. I knew I liked him, but I didn't want to admit it. But then I got tired of fighting it, it was exhausting fighting what I felt. So I admitted it first to myself and then to him. Soon I let myself love him. I think if you don't care about something it's not possible for you to truly hate it. It shouldn't matter to you, but if it bothers you, then there's something there worth noticing."
I sighed.
"Why don't you believe in love, Alex?"
I thought for a moment before replying, "It's not that I don't believe in love, Lily. I just believe it causes more harm than good, so I'd rather just stay away from it. I'm okay that other people trust it enough to take that chance of heart-ache and pain, I'm not."
She looked at me, a questioning look in your eyes, "What does love feel like?" She doesn't mean it the way you're thinking, I'm an empath. I've felt love literally; she wants to know what that feels like.
I stopped, thinking how to explain it. I turned towards her, resting my back against the arm rest of the couch, drawing my legs close to my body.
"You know the HIV virus, they say the reason they can't find a cure for it is that it keeps mutating, changing its DNA structure such that by the time they have a cure for that one form it has transformed into another." The look on her face said that she hadn't known this before, grinning I continued, feeling slightly satisfied that this was one of the few times I knew something that she didn't. Taking a breath, I continued, "And how they say that every fingerprint is unique and no two finger prints are the same. That's what love feels like to me. It's unique and different in everyone. It just… tastes different every time."
"Everyone has their own way of loving so you can't compare love. You can't define it, you can't explain it, you can only feel it and express it the best way you know how. So it's not that I don't believe in love. 'Cause even if I wasn't an empath, I've felt it, you know. I still feel it. I feel it in me for my Grams and Grand-aunt Phoebe. I feel it for you, for Dad. I've seen the looks my grand-mothers get when they talk about their husbands and their children, their sisters. So I do believe that love exists and that people are capable of feeling it. But I don't trust it. I don't believe that love is enough to carry you through life, through relationships. There is a certain amount of choice involved, certain compromises, and certain understandings that come with it and I don't know if I'm capable of making them. That's what makes relationships, not just an emotion. So when Alice talks about all the butterflies and crap and I can't help but wonder, is she ever going to do anything about it or just feel it? What's the point of feeling something if you don't express it in a healthy way? It angers me that she claims she's felt this way about Frank for almost a year now, yet she refuses to act on it? What does she think that God is going to be proud of her and she can love a guy for a year and not expect anything and award her for that by making Frank fall in love with her, or does she think that fate will solve her problems for her?"
"Maybe she's just scared that he might not feel the same way." Lily reasoned.
"That certainly hasn't changed her feelings. It doesn't have anything to do with fear." I reasoned.
"It's not that easy you know. To just accept what you feel and throw your happiness in someone else's hands. It's not easy" she repeated. "Love is scary. It's just…" she shrugged.
"Love is nothing but a word for here is my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy. People take it where they can get it, and keep it as long as they can." Lily laughed at my approach, "There's no handbook to tell you what to do and how to do it. Love is something you have to define for yourself."
"Your definition is James Potter, love." Said a another voice. Startled, I looked to the entrance of the common room from where the voice came, Lily turned around to get a look at the person too. Recognizing the person, I rolled my eyes, "Hello James. How long have you been spying on us?"
Laughing, James joined Lily and me on the sofa, squeezing between the two of us and throwing his arm around Lily. There was movement to my left as Remus took the armchair and Sirius seated himself on the other one next to Lily.
"Great, now it's a party." I mumbled. "So what did you hear?" I asked suspisciously, no one knew about my 'special powers' except Lily and I didn't want anyone to hear me talk about them.
"Everything from when you declared your love for Lily." Remus teased. "So Alice likes, loves," he corrected "Frank?"
"You weren't supposed to hear that, you sneaks." Lily accussed.
"Alex you have some pretty profound theories regarding love." James turned to me.
"Well you heard them. I have nothing more to say." I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. "Gummi bears anyone?" Remus wordlessly stuck out his hand.
James just grinned at me and turned to face Lily, "Speaking of love, you know I love you right." He told her.
I looked at Lily to see her reaction. There was nothing but happiness in her eyes and she replied, "And I love you." James tried to hide his own happiness, as he nodded and dipped his head to kiss her. I averted my eyes to give them the privacy they deserved.
Unconsciously my eyes landed on Black. He was sitting silently on the armchair, deep in thought, staring at the rug that lay before the fire. The light of the fire made his face glow with a warmth, making his tan skin seem orangish. Nature had truly blessed Sirius Black. Tall, four inches over six feet, a well defined body, not like those muscled men whose muscles had muscles. He had black hair, shiny and soft (or least it seemed. It's not like I've ever touched it.) that fell into his eyes with a sort of the elegance that not many could achieve even with the help of hair gel. He had artistocratic features, sharp cheekbones, square jaw, straight nose and full lips. A light stubble lined that firm jaw, and a scar ran across his left eye brow. His eyes, even now were hooded, glowing with something I couldn't place. I hadn't seen that sort of grey in any one's eyes before. I had always thought that grey eyes were eyes that didn't really have any distictinct colour, but his were undeniably grey. Stormy and piercing, really accentuated the intimidated look that Sirius mastered a long time ago. He always seemed to brood, caught up in his own thoughts. The only time he'd crack a genuine smile was around James and Remus and his laugh sounded rusty, like it wasn't something he did often. Around others his smile was a forced one that didn't reach his eyes, his laugh bitter, not they noticed, something I thought to be impossible. Caught up in my thoughts, I was looking at Sirius, but not really seeing him.
"Alex." I felt someone shake me.
"What James?" I asked without looking at him.
"I know Sirius is good looking, but you've been staring at him for the past ten minutes now."
Hearing his name, Sirius at me and smirked. Gah, such arrogance.
Ten minutes, what crap. I was looking but not looking, thinking, you moron.
"Alex."
"Stop shaking me, James." I growled.
"Staring is bad manners you know." James said cockily.
"I wasn't staring at him, I was just thinking and looking in his direction, but not staring at him." I tried to explain, this was sort of embarassing. Being caught staring at a guy more than once in one day.
"Whatever you say, Alex."
"Shut up, Potter. I'm going to bed Lily, you coming?"
She nodded. We bade the guys goodnight, I think I slightly blushed when I nodded in Sirius' direction.
We were walking towards our dorms, the entrances to which were located on either side of the fireplace, when I spoke loudly to everyone in general, "He's not all that good looking you know." Just as Da Vinci's work is not all that impressive.
James chuckled, "You know he is."
I just rolled my eyes and muttered, "Yeah right."
"You were staring at one point, weren't you." Lily wanted to know as we climbed up to the sixth year dorms.
"Maybe." I said as we entered the dorm.
Alice and Mandy had been talking to each other and stopped abruptly as I entered and Lily followed. Lily casually cleared her throat but I knew the reason behind it. I nodded and walked to Alice's bed, where she and Mandy were sitting in their pyjamas. I looked into Alice's dark, warm eyes as I apologized. "Alice, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings earlier. I was having a bad day and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have and I'm sorry." She opened her mouth, but I rushed on. "You know what?" I turned to look at Mandy too. "It seems like I've been having a bad six years. I know I haven't been the easiest person to live with. I'm just not a people person… so don't take it personally." I rubbed the back of my neck uncomfortably as neither Alice nor Mandy said anything. "Right. Okay then, night."
I turned and started to walk towards my own bed when I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. I turned around and I looked into Mandy's greenish- blue eyes, "We all have our faults, Alex. I'll never forget our first evening here when you dumped spaghetti on Angelica for picking on me." I grinned, that had been a great moment.
"Or that time you got Arbacus Stone to stop bullying Jackson Petrelli in second year." Alice added.
I nodded. They both smiled at me and I knew things were good between us.
That night I dreamt of a hooded figure with haunting grey eyes.