Disclaimer: The song lyrics belong to Lifehouse.
"Fuck. Fuck.Godamnit."
Yeah, I know I have a dirty mouth. I don't usually curse this fluently (often being the key word), it's just that I had some Charms homework, and considering how I suck at Charms, it's a miracle that I actually wrote six inches off the foot and half essay that was due the next day. Viciously scratching out another sentence of my rough draft, (after many cases when I have handed in the first draft with all it's nurmerous cancellations and ridiculous thoughts, I had learnt that it was better to write everything first in a rough book and then get Lily or Remus to approve it before I handed it in.)
I referred to another book, cursing Lily to oblivion. "Bitch. All I wanted was to have a look, one damn look. It's not like I was going to copy the whole thing. Just parts here and there. Bloody bitch."
Currently the bane of my existance was off romancing that dashing chaser of hers. Yes, she was done with the essay and was enjoying the double free period that we shared with the seventh years to the fullest. Bitch.
I sighed, looking out the window. It was such a beautiful Thursday morning, rare one considering it was the last week of October (Halloween was in three days) almost everyone was out, that is the seventh and sixth years, the rest were in classes. The common room was empty, hence no one was throwing me weird looks for stabbing my notebook with my quill, talking and cursing to myself.
Running my hand through my hair, I doodled on the corner of my page, not really paying attention to what I was writing. Almost the entire page was full of random song lyrics, and seven lines of charms essay of which four lines were scratched out, a couple of triquetras that I'd drawn without realizing it. It wasn't that I was weak in school or anything. It's just I had to try harder than the others to perform the simplest of spells and understand the theory, I refused to let it bother me beause no matter how much I claimed to hate wand magic it was pretty neat and interesting, my current subjects were Charms, Transfiguration, DADA and Potions. Other than that I had Muggle Lit and math and History of Magic. I had dropped Care of Magical Creatures, Divination and Astronomy. Plus I had quidditch and running to get my mind off school work. Every once in a while I would admit to myself that Hogwarts wasn't half as bad.
I was here with my best friend, made a couple of new ones, I was in the care of one of the most powerful, wisest wizards ever. The grounds were beautiful, I even managed to interact with a unicorn that Hagrid had come across.
I sighed as I realized I hadn't managed to get even a small amount of the homework done. Charms sucks.
"Forgetting all I'm lacking,
Completely incomplete."
A deep, smooth voice read over my shoulder. Involuntarily, a shiver ran down my spine.
"I'll take your invitation
You take all of me, now." He completed.
Setting down my quill, I turned around and looked up, "You listen to Lifehouse?" Despite the fact that I decided he was scum I really couldn't believe that he knew a muggle song.
He shook his head, his hair shifting slightly, "Not really. Although a couple of their songs are pretty good. They sound like a pop group in this song. The lyrics aren't bad though."
"You listen to muggle music?" I asked, incredulously. My neck was starting to hurt.
He took a seat next to me with his back leaning against the coffee table. "Don't sound so surprised."
Ignoring the sudden bout of nervousness that came over me as our shoulders brushed, I replied, "Why aren't you out with the others enjoying the beautiful day?" I wasn't nervous because I liked him or anything; it's that kind of nervousness that you experience with a really smart, popular senior actually acknowledges you. As outgoing and don't-carish I may seem, I am quiet and shy around people I don't know. I continued to write lyrics, my hand just writing without me thinking anything really.
"I just woke up. I was on my way out when I heard you cursing and trying to scratch a hole in your book." He sounded amused.
I looked at him, the corners of his lips were slightly turned up and his eyes were twinkling. He was amused. That bastard, laughing at my expense. Ignoring my nervousness, I curtly replied, "Well don't let me hold you back. I'm sure you have plenty to do. Have a good day." I could so be polite when I wanted to be.
Chuckling, he said, "No, really. I'd rather stay." What was with him? The last time we'd been together he'd all but called me a bitch and I'd most definitely called him a bastard. Why was he sitting next to me, talking to me as if we were friends?
"Just what is so amusing about me?" I demanded.
"What makes you think I'm amused by you?" He asked innocently.
"Oh please, cut the act, Sirius. Why are you here? The last time, which by the way was the first time we ever spoke, you implied that I am a bitch and I called you a bastard."
Instead of getting angry like I thought he would, his eyes brightened with suppressed laughter. I'm pretty sure he said, "Fine so I'm here to see what's got you all worked up and see if I can add fuel to the fire." Then again I could be wrong because I was busy staring at his eyes to pay attention to what he was saying. While he truly had a handsome face, his eyes were something else entirely. Right now the amusement and suppressed laughter were making them twinkle brightly, making he seem so kind, so approachable and just so damn amiable.
"Hello, Lexie, did you hear me?" He waved his hand in front of my face.
"Huh?" I responded intelligently.
"Are you okay Lexie?" He asked me taking in the blush, which spread across my face as I realized what I was thinking.
"You called me Lexie." I accused him as I tried to stop blushing.
Raising an eyebrow he said, "So?"
"Don't call me that. I hate it."
"Well I think it's better than Alex, so tough. And the fact that you don't like it makes it all the more appealing."
There was the jerk I knew and hated.
"Go away, you're distracting me. I have homework to do. I don't time to be your source of amusement and I'm not going to take the bait and sit and argue with you." Why am I talking so much?
"You were distracted before I got here." He said, gesturing to the doodles and lyrics scribbled all over the page.
"Yeah well, you're distracting me even more. I really have to get this done. Lily, the bitch that she is, won't show me her work and I suck at Charms."
"I'll help you, I am excellent at Charms." He winked at me.
"And modest too." I mumbled.
I weighed my odds, accepting help from Sirius Black just proved how desperate I was and desperate wasn't what I wanted to appear to Sirius Black. But then again, this is Charms we're talking about. I couldn't perform Wingardium Leviosa till the middle of second year. When asked to perform the Cheering Charm on Lily I had somehow sent Professor Flitwick to the hospital wing with singed hair. I shuddered as I remembered my punishment for that. Cleaning out the stalls of all the girl's bathrooms in the castle (the ones that weren't inside the towers and in the case of Slytherin- dungeons) had been a total nightmare.
"Wasn't it your essay that Flitwick read out to all the classes in your fourth year- the one about Summoning and Banishing? So that no one ever wrote anything like that again?" He was rubbing salt on the wound, and he knew it.
"Fine." I snapped. I knew Lily wouldn't help me and neither would Remus. Here was one of the smartest students in this school, offering to write an essay for me. I would shut up and listen to what he had to say if that meant him doing my homework for me. Okay, maybe I wouldn't shut up, but I would be a little less rude.
Grinning he took the book and quill from my hand, started to write. For the next ten minutes the only sound that could be heard was off the clock ticking and the quill scratching away on the paper.
"There," he said, as he threw down the quill with flourish, "all done."
Taking the notebook from him, I skimmed the essay, and grudgingly accepted that it was pretty good. "Thank you," I mumbled.
"You don't like me very much, do you?"
"Gee what gave me away?" I said sarcastically, but it was half- hearted.
Lately, I'd been thinking, about stuff; about me. Lily had always told me that I was very judgmental, that I didn't give people a chance before I formed opinions about them and lately that seemed to be true. I was quick to judge Mandy, just because I didn't agree with Alice's thoughts I'd openly criticized her feelings and laughed at her, one of my good friends and I had decided that Sirius Black was scum. Well he kind of was, considering the all the hearts he broke. And the way he had spoken to me but everyone has faults right, even I did. So who was I to judge people so quickly?
So for the first time in a long time, I cleared my throat and hesitantly answered, "Well not exactly. It's just Charms doesn't really bring out the winner in me."
He chuckled, "Neither does Romeo and Juliet or Angelica, James or me."
Indignant, I was going to snap back at him, but I realized that what he said was true, in a way. Grudgingly, I answered, "Well I explained my feelings concerning Romeo and Juliet. James is more of a friendly banter. Angelica and I have history that goes back to the first evening here. She was picking on Mandy and no one was saying anything to stop it. So I dumped my spaghetti on her head." I grinned, that memory never failed to bring a smile on my face. He laughed, "Yeah I remember that night." Merlin, his laugh. My abdomen tightened at the sound of it. James wanted to make you a Maurauder, but when he saw you being nice to Snivelly, he changed his mind.
"Hey, don't talk like that about Severus." I was angry again. From the corner of my eye, I saw Lily and James enter the common room along with Remus, Mandy, Alice and Frank.
"You are still defending him after what he said to Lily after our OWLS that day?" I asked me, his voice suddenly emotionless.
I opened my mouth but shut it again, considering I didn't know what to say. I knew that Severus had feelings for Lily, I knew about his childhood. But nothing excused the fact that he called her a mud-blood almost two years ago, but something in me still believed that Severus didn't deserve the way the Maurauders treated him. "The only reason he is so defensive is because of you and your friends and the way you have treated him. He was an awkward boy who you picked on cause you had nothing better to do. You humiliated him time and again, just because you were fucking bored. And that image got stuck in everyone's head. No one ever gave him a chance so what else do you expect from him? It's only a matter of time before you start pushing back. It might be with someone who doesn't deserve it, but can you really blame him? The only reason James attacked him that day was because you were fucking bored. So please don't get all sanctimonious on me." I hissed angrily.
He laughed bitterly. "You judge me and James based on Merlin knows what. But you will automatically defend a Slytherin who insulted your best friend. Not once, but time and again. I see the way you behave with James, the way you are with Mandy and Alice and everyone else. You're nothing but cold, angry and bitchy. And closed up. What right do you have to judge us?"
Just moments ago we were having a decent conversation, how did things change so quickly? What he said was true, but I wasn't thinking rationally. I was so angry, he called me cold? Me, cold?! And closed up! The nerve.
I stood up, and looked down at him. "Judge you without reason? What the hell are you talking about? You walk around, with that gorgeous smirk and charm the pants of any girl and then after one night, maybe a couple if she's really lucky you'll drop her like a hot potato and move on to your next conquest." In a flash, he stood up too. "Mandy, Jesus. Do you have any idea what you did to her? I had to stay up all night; I couldn't get any sleep because you dumped her and she stayed up the whole night crying. She loved you." I poked him in the chest. "She fucking loved you. And you just ended it, like she didn't mean anything to you. There are so many girls who think they are worthless because of you." I poked him again. And I couldn't help but notice how hard his chest was. Focus, Alex! "You think you own the whole school, the way you walk and prank anyone and everyone. Hexing people 'cause you're bored or because they didn't look at you right. I might be cold and angry and bitchy. But least people know how I feel about them. I don't lead them on just to screw them over later. At least I'm not arrogant and at least I don't have an ego the size of Asia." I was so angry. Breathing heavily, I shoved my bangs out of my eyes and looked up at him, straight in the eye. He was furious, his eyes were blazing. With a perverse satisfaction, I noticed that least I made some emotion flicker in those gorgeous but hooded eyes.
He was breathing heavily too. His chest heaving, but he didn't say a word. I laughed, the sound so bitter, to my own ears, "I thought so."
Bending down, I picked up my books off the coffee table we had been working on and later leaning against as we spoke and turned to him one last time, "Thank you for the essay." I snarled and brushed past him.
I didn't make it that far; barely two steps when I felt his hand on my arm, warm and firm. My traitorous body was delighted at the contact. He turned me around. "What?" I spat. "Something more you'd like to call me?"
His other hand grabbed my other arm and he pulled me close, too close to him as he leaned down. If it hadn't been for that murderous look in his eyes I would have thought he was going to kiss me, "Don't you dare judge me. You know nothing about me." He whispered angrily.
I stood on my tip toes, our lips only inches away, "Just as you know nothing about me." I shot back.
"Alright. Both of you, back off, now." James instructed authoritatively. He tried to move Sirius' fingers that were wrapped around my arms, trying to get in between the two of us, but we weren't budging. So Remus came forward to help. He put a soothing hand on my back, "Come on, Alex." He said in that soft, reassuring voice of his.
"Seriously, Padfoot. Don't make me give you detention." James, also Head boy, wrestled to get Sirius away from me. "Padfoot." James shook him. Sirius threw me one final disgusted look and let James lead him to their dorm.
Not looking at anyone, I bent down to pick up my books that had fallen on the ground when he grabbed me. Then I ran up the stairs as fast as I could and shut the door to the dorm behind me and leaned against the door, trying to get my heart to slow down. As I flopped down my on my bed I could still feel his strong fingers on my arms. I shook my head, but I could still feel his hard body against mine. I closed my eyes and rolled onto my side. My last coherent thought before I fell asleep was that is breath smelled like cinnamon.
--
Ever had that feeling where you know you're sleeping, and you're aware of how comfortable you are that you just don't want to wake up? That's exactly how I feeling, all warm and comfortable; safe.
Abruptly my eyes flew open and I abruptly sat up and pain erupted across my forehead. "Damn Alex. I told you to open your eyes, not shoot up and bang your head against mine." Rubbing my head, and shaking the sleep from my eyes, I slowly focused on what was happening around me. Lily was sitting on the edge of my bed, with a frustrated look on her face, rubbing her own forehead. I sighed, "Sorry Lils. I didn't know you'd be leaning over me."
"I had to; I had to literally shake you, Al. You just weren't getting up. You missed all your morning classes. It's lunch now, so come on, get your ass moving." With that she got off my bed and moved to my side table where my bag was and slung it over her shoulder.
"Why did you let me sleep in?" I asked as I rubbed the remaining sleep from my eyes.
"I figured you needed it." She said simply.
"I'm taking your bag and going to the Hall. Come down after you've washed your face and everything." She paused at the door, "Oh and don't worry about Mandy. She didn't take what you told Sirius in the wrong way. But you should still talk to her about it."
Just what I didn't want to think about- charms, today morning and Sirius Black. The memory of the fight in front of everyone made me blush.
"I'm the telepath, you know." I told her.
"And I'm your best friend." She replied and then closed the door behind her gently.
Hiding my face behind my hair, I nodded, got out of bed, washed my face, pulled my hair back into a high ponytail and made my way down to the Hall.
I pushed the door to the Great Hall open and searched for bright red hair. There it was, next to an untidy mop of black hair, in our usual place. Dodging two weird girls hugging each other, while simultaneously jumping up and down and squealing, I reached the place where Lily and James were sitting. If I had been a fool I'd have hoped that Sirius wasn't there, but I'm not a fool. There he was, sitting right across Lily and James and the only vacant place was one next to Lily opposite him. Great, next to the most perceptive person I know and across the person I never want to talk to again. Praying to some higher power for the endurance power, I sat down next to Lils and started to serve myself some pot roast and mashed potatoes. Remus, who was sitting across James and next to Black, grinned at me, "Feeling better?"
Not looking up from my plate, knowing who was staring at me, I just nodded. "There was nothing wrong in the first place."
"She was finishing her Charms homework. What do you expect, Rem? You know how tiring Charms can be for Allie." Lily nudged me, teasing me oh-so subtly.
James added his own two cents, "I read that essay you wrote last week, before Remus stepped in." He laughed, "Merlin Alex, I knew Charms was your weak spot, but that was just hilarious."
I didn't say anything, just shot him a mock glare and went back to meticulously cutting the pot roast and just moving it around in my plate. I knew what they were trying to do and I appreciated it. But my stomach felt like someone was squeezing it and the very thought of food was nauseating. Also, I was sure he was still looking at me, I could just feel it. Self-consciously, I tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.
"Lexie, you okay?" Lily asked, worry laced through her words.
I remembered how that name had rolled of his tongue just a couple of hours ago, it made my stomach worse. Shaking my head I corrected her, "Fine, as long as you don't call me Lexie, Lils." I still refused to look up.
"I don't get your aversion to the name Lexie, Alex. It's a perfectly normal name." Remus said, pointing his fork at me.
I looked up, finally. Scrunching up my nose, I said, "It sounds like the name of some rabbit or goat or something." I shook my head. "Lexie." I tested the name, but it didn't feel right. Not the way it had felt when he had said it.
Everyone burst into laughter, including him. It was such an amazing sound, deep and rich. I dared a look at him; just as he looked at me. His eyes never ceased to take my breath away. They were shinning with amusement, the edges crinkled, his mouth was set in a smile, his teeth sparkling, his hair was falling into his eyes and to put it in the simplest of terms, he was gorgeous. When he noticed that I was looking at him, he did something surprising; he smiled at me again and involuntarily I smiled back. My stomach was clenching so badly that I was sure I was going to throw up anytime soon.
I got up and looked at Lily, "Lils, I don't feel so good so I'm going to go back to bed. Can you McGonagall and Sluggy that I'm not well?"
Lily nodded, concern evident in her eyes, "Sure, of course I will. What's wrong with you anyway?" Her eyes were roaming my face, taking in my flush and somewhat irregular breathing.
"My stomach is acting all weird, I'm also a bit light headed and nauseous." Least I wasn't lying about the symptoms.
"Must be that time of the month." James mumbled, not so discreetly. Lily turned and smacked him on the back of the head just as someone, I'm guessing Remus, kicked him under the table because he let out a loud, "Ow!" and grabbed at his leg below the table and then rubbed the back of his head.
I bit back a grin.
Remus glared at him and looked at me, "Maybe you should go to Madam Pomfrey. She'll give you something to make you feel better."
I highly doubt that Rem, but I didn't say that out loud, "I just want to sleep in my bed. That's all. I'll be fine."
Lily nodded and got up, "I'll walk you back to the dorm." Seeing me open my mouth to argue she added firmly, "I insist." Well you just can't argue with Lily sometimes. Nodding mutely, I started to leave, just as the boys mumbled some weird get-well-soons.
I glanced back at Sirius one last time. His was looking at me with an unreadable expression. His eyebrows were creased and his mouth set in a straight line. Sucking in a shaky breath, I left the hall with Lily.
Lily went with me all the way.
She helped me into my bed, tucked me in and even smoothed back my hair. Smiling at me, she turned around and left the room, closing the door behind her with a soft click.
I let out a deep sigh and sunk into the warm goodness of my bed, just what had happened today? Black had helped me with my charms homework, we'd had a pretty decent conversation before yelling at each and then when he had grabbed me and pulled me towards him I had enjoyed it. Now I was extremely nervous in his presence? That made absolutely no sense. Just yesterday Sirius Black was a notorious playboy who I wouldn't give the time of my day. And today I was thinking it wouldn't have been so bad if he had kissed me? This was just so weird. Everything happened so fast, I didn't know what to make of it.
I sighed again, running a frustrated hand through my hair. If I was going to be completely honest with myself, I'd admit that Sirius Black had always intrigued me. Not because he was oh-so-hot or something, but because of just who he was and why he was the way he was.
I laughed out loud, just what the hell was I thinking? Kissing Sirius Black. I would need a couple of hours to get over this… whatever the hell this was and then I'd be fine. Yeah, I would. Convincing myself that this was all there was to it, I closed my eyes and drifted off.
--
That night I skipped dinner, camping out on my bed with my stash of candy and junk food. I thought what Mandy might have thought of the things that I had thrown at Sirius. She'd never told him that she had loved him. I thought back to the days when she had been his girlfriend. He had asked her out on the third day of school and she had been on cloud nine. The relationship had ended just two days before the breakfast incident.
Over the course of those couple of weeks, Mandy had been ecstatic, floating through everyday. I had never seen her so happy. And when she was with Sirius, the glow on her face was blinding. Sirius too had seemed content. And then one day, not one week ago, just like that without a warning he had ended it with her.
The fact that Mandy had been broken hearted was an understatement. When she entered the dorm that night, I had been the only one there. Lily had been with James and Alice was tutoring some second year. She had walked into the room dazed, not replied when I had asked her what happened and just plopped down on my bed. She'd turned to face me and that expression in her eyes had floored me… you could see the rejection, the hopelessness and the pain clearly in her eyes. Wordlessly, she had put her head in my lap and started to cry. We had sat like that till three in the morning when she finally fell asleep, even then I didn't have the heart to move, afraid that she would wake up and start crying again. I hadn't gotten any sleep that night, and despite my best defenses Mandy's emotions had mingled with mine. When Alice and later Lily had returned, they had been shocked to see Mandy and me, knowing immediately what had happened, they had placed themselves on my either sides, our backs resting against my headboard, hands rubbing soothing circles on Mandy's back. We'd all spent that night in my bed, silent yet trying our best to be comforting.
"Mandy." I said, as soon as she entered with the rest of them after dinner.
I saw her shoulders heave as she sighed, before turning to face me. "When I said that I had to stay up all night, I didn't mean for it to sound as if it inconvenienced me in some way. In fact, I am glad it was me and not anyone else who was here that night. I just wanted to prove that I don't hate him for no reason at all. I wanted him to see just how many friends of mine he'd hurt just so that he could prove whatever the hell he'd trying to prove to himself and others." I was apologizing just too much lately.
"I know Alex." She said softly. "I'm glad you were here too." And then she smiled at me. The next thing shocked me just as much as it shocked the rest of them. I got out of bed and walked to her and hugged her as hard as I could. "I'm glad you understood."
She didn't say anything, just hugged me back.
A/N: Reviews will really help. Thank you.