katydid13: Have tissues handy for this one too. Thank you for the review

rejazzz: She's a strong girl, but she's not done grieving. Not in the slightest. Thanks for the review.

Brown eyed Girl 75: Not to worry, that eulogy was said at home, so as not to offend anyone. She'll get through it, she always does, I promise. Thanks for the review, muchly appreciated.

ooOoo

It's not the way that I intended this. I didn't realize how much I would miss… but with every parting of our company, I hate to think what it has done to me.

My Apology- Great Big Sea

ooOoo

I went back to the team at my mother's urging. She knew I needed the chance to be independent. I'd done my part in bringing my brother home safely. He was buried where Daddy would've been, and that was all she needed, Mom said. He was ours now, and that was all that mattered.

The plane ride back was… I don't really remember. I remember getting off the plane and who was there to meet me but none other than Jim Craig and Jack O'Callahan. It must've been a rest day for the team, otherwise I'd have to get a cab back to the dorms. But why the hell would they want to spend the day waiting for me at the airport?

"Hey, what are you guys doing here?"

"We came to hug you and then take you home!" Jack pulled me into a big, tight hug and kissed my temple.

"Let go, Jack, I want in," Jimmy chuckled and gently tugged on my shoulder. He too pulled me into a hug and whispered, welcome home. For some reason, I couldn't let go of him. I guess I felt that if I did I would collapse. I had barely slept in the week I'd been home, and airplane seats are not at all comfortable. Plus I was so worn out from grieving for my brother I just needed reassurance that I was going to be okay. Jimmy had lived through it… he could help.

Jimmy kept his arm around me until we returned to the dorms. Herb had gone back to his hotel room and did not want to be disturbed. Herb Brooks was not one to be trifled with. He could make or break their careers, as far as I was concerned, and I didn't want to jeopardize their chances, no matter if I was back.

I walked through the hallway as I tried to remember where the hell I'd put my key. I hadn't been gone for that long, it can't have been that difficult to remember where a key could've been placed. Rummaging through the bag in which I kept keys, wallets, and other such things, I found it. It was a metallic colour, and big enough to see, so why had it taken me so long?

Trying to turn the key in the lock, I could barely hold myself together. Everything seemed so much more difficult, and that included opening a door. It hurt to know that my brother would never come back to surprise me, and maybe that's what I needed the most. I could move forward, but it felt like something was missing. I let out a sob, yelling "Come on, damn you, turn!", kicking the door in the process, and finally, the lock relented.

I collapsed on the bed without even thinking of what I was doing. I didn't think to take off my shoes, and my bag that held all my belongings dropped to the floor with a thud that did not match it's size. I buried my face into the pillow and sobbed.

Someone must have heard me, because the bed sank with added weight. I felt a hand on my back, and it did not move. They didn't say anything, and if they did I didn't hear it. Instead, they laid down beside me and held me.

Once my sobs gave way to hiccups, I turned around and saw Jimmy.

"I'm sorry…" I reached and clung to him for dear life. As I turned my head to rest it on his chest I felt a wet spot. My tears had soaked his shirt. "God, Jimmy, I'm sorry. I just…"

He ran a hand over my hair. "It's alright, Vivianne."

"No, it's not alright. Your shirt will be ruined…"

"I can always buy another shirt, Vivianne," he reasoned.

"I don't know what I'm doing…" I sobbed into his shirt again. "I just… I miss him so much. It wasn't needed… he didn't need to die."

"No one needs to die," he told me. "But it happened. We don't have the ability to reverse time and do it all over again," he whispered to me.

"It's not fair!" I beat my fist against his chest.

"I know…" he grabbed my wrist and got me to sit up. "I know…" he told me again and I struggled to hit him again.

"I want my brother back!" I sobbed, trying to push him away. "I want him back!" I bent forward and covered my head with my hands. I don't know why; maybe I was trying to protect myself against something I didn't want to feel.

Jim had his hand on my back, leaning forward with me but saying nothing.

"It's all my fault, Jimmy," I blurted out. "If I had stayed in Bonavista and not been such an uncomfortable bitch, he'd still be alive!"

"He was killed because of a roadside bomb in Beirut, Vivianne," he told me.

"That's my fault too!" I was close to screaming. "He only joined up so he could ship out and get a life of his own! Don't you think I know that if I had just stayed where I was supposed to he would still be alive?"

His hand ran in a circle on my back, and I flinched, throwing his arms off me, and turning to look at him.

"Leave me alone…" I choked out. That was it, if I was going to cry this out and fight with myself, I wasn't going to have him there.

"Viv…"

"I said leave me alone!" I shouted, glaring at him until he left the room.

And when the door shut, it was then that I was finally able to let go.

With the thirty seconds it took for the door to close, I suddenly found breathing to be very difficult. Just looking at his picture made me choke back bile. How could he leave me like that? He was supposed to wait till Mom got back on her feet, not when I had just left and was struggling to make ends meet myself.

Finally, just the rage and devastation I felt looking at his stupid, smug smile in that photograph made me do the unthinkable. I reached for the framed portrait and threw it. It shattered against the wall, sending glass and pieces of the frame sailing to the floor.

"You told me you'd take care of her, you bastard!" I shouted. "You weren't supposed to do this… you weren't supposed to go!"

I looked for something else to throw, and I found a discarded shoe. I hurled it against the door and barely heard the THUD it created.

"Why did you leave me!" I sobbed. "I want you back! I want my brother back!"

Deciding that it would not be enough to throw something, I whacked my fist off the door, and let out another choking sob. I couldn't stand to know that he was gone…

"You fucking bastard! How could you do it? How could you go and get yourself killed? Don't you know Mom needs you?" I yelled at no one in particular. I think it was the window this time. "Don't you know that I still need you? How the hell could you be so selfish?"

I threw my shoulder into the door and waited for the cracking sound I knew was coming.

"I fucking hate you!" I screamed, sliding to the floor, gasping for air and tears still rolling down my cheeks.