"We need to talk."
His voice whispers into the darkness. She can hear the husky undertones that are a result of one too many drinks. She swallows the lump in her throat as she looks up at him.
"Derek…" she hesitating begins, only to be cut off abruptly by his angry voice.
"Don't. Don't tell me not now, because I need this. I need this now," he says in an eerily calm voice.
Meredith's eyes widen momentarily before she slowly nods and leans back against the pillows. He inhales deeply, trying to calm the storm of emotions that are fighting to escape.
"You can't do this. You can't push me away. Not when you are carrying our child. You can't refuse to let me help you. I ineed/i to help you. I don't expect for you to fall into my outstretched arms, but just know…you have to know…that they are outstretched. They will always be outstretched to welcome you. I just…you can't…you can't just push me away…" he pauses and takes another deep breath, his emotions beginning to get the best of him. "I…I care about you…so much…and it hurts…it hurts when you act like you hate me…" Derek pauses again and runs a hand roughly over his face, attempting to brush away the few tears that have fallen. He has never cried so much in his life as he has today.
Meredith pushes herself up slightly, her own eyes clouded with emotion. "Der…" she starts, but once again he interrupts her.
"Not yet," he says, his voice husky from emotion, "I'm not finished yet." He now begins to pace the room, so many words to say, but unsure of how to say them. "I'm…I'm always going to be there…our son…our son has formed a permanent bond between us…and…we don't have to be together…but we will never be apart…you can't keep me from him…and I want to be there…for everything…you…you can't keep me from that…" he pauses near the head of her bed, looking down on her with tear-filled eyes before collapsing in a nearby chair. "Please…please…please just let me be a part of this…of everything…I…" the remainder of his words are stopped by his strong attempt to subdue his emotions.
Meredith watches the man crumble before her, knowing that he is broken, knowing that she is the one that broke him. She places her hand on his shoulder wanting to make him feel a little better. He jumps at her touch before looking up at her. She can see his vulnerability. She can see his need. She can't let him in. Not completely, but maybe, just maybe, she can give him an inch.
"I don't want to do his room in something Disney or animally," she starts to ramble. "And you will have to paint…because last time I did it…more paint ended up on the floor and on me than on the walls…"
"Mer…" he interrupts her, confusion in his eyes, "what are you saying?" he asks, his voice somewhat hopeful.
Meredith wrings her hands as she forces herself to look him in the eyes. "I'm…I guess what I'm saying is…that after he is born…I'm not sure if before then…but after…we can live with you…do the whole Ross and Rachel thing I guess…that is if you want us to…I…I do want you to be there…I do…I need you to be there…I can't do this on my own…I thought I could…I thought I had to…I've always had to do everything on my own…and…I'm just not used to…"
"Thank you," he says interrupting her nervous rambling. "Thank you so much," he whispers as he brings her hand to her mouth, kissing her skin softly.
They remain in an awkward silence for several minutes until Meredith decides to break the ice. "So…how drunk are you?" she asks with a small smile.
Derek chuckles as he once again runs his hand over his face. "Pretty damn drunk," he says as he's laughing.
"I thought so. Although, I must say, I've seen you drunker," she says with a small smile.
Derek just nods and looks up at her. He notices for the first time that she has changed and is now wearing his NYU sweater. "You're wearing my sweater," he says as his smile broads.
She glances down at her chest before looking back up at him, her top teeth biting down on her bottom lip. "Yeah…I mean…you said it was mine…and…I can take it off if you have changed your mind…"
Derek chuckles as she begins to ramble nervously while tugging at the bottom of the sweater. "I'm glad that you are wearing it, Mer."
"Me too," Meredith whispers as she lays back down, the tiredness beginning to overwhelm her. "Me too," she whispers once again before drifting off into the most peaceful sleep she has had in a while.