Brown eyed Girl 75: You're right, you're absolutely right. And here is what happens because of that suggestion. Thank you so much for your help and insight. Much love to you

rejazzz: Yes she can, but someone will convince her otherwise. Thank you for the review

ooOoo

I don't mind confiding, that I make stupid mistakes. Been misled and misguided, and I'm easily led astray. You can dance with disaster, never missing a step. Spinning faster and faster, long after I've already slipped. But in the middle of it all, you always break my fall. In the middle of it all…

Stumbling In- Great Big Sea

ooOoo

Arriving back in St. John's, I found my way back to Bonavista nearly three hours later. Knocking on my mother's front door (she had since moved back into our old apartment once Marcie had been able to handle the girls and Charlie in… well, not chaos, but better than it had been), she looked at me with wide eyes.

"Oh honey, whatcha doing here?"

There were several tears running my cheeks. "Can I stay here, mama?" I hadn't called her mama in years.

"Oh, I know what this is…" she put her arm around my shoulder, taking my bag from me. "This is a put a cup of tea on and we'll talk about it." She helped me into the kitchen, sat me down at the table and handed me a box of tissues.

"So what happened? I thought you were having a great time in New York. That's where you were, right?"

"Boston and Minnesota first," I choked, wiping at my tears as much as I could. "We're in New York now."

"We? You should be there too, why are you back here?"

"I guess I missed home too much," I answered, accepting the cup of tea Mom handed to me.

I could tell by her face that she didn't believe me.

"I don't think you missed home," she eyed me over the rim of her tea mug. "I think you got scared."

"What?"

"You got scared because you met someone who might actually be able to find in love with."

"That's bullshit!"

"No, I'll tell you what's bullshit!" she was standing now, her tea mug forgotten. "You left your friends at a time where they needed you most, and now you're sitting in my kitchen with tears in your eyes. Viv, you've got to stop running."

"I'm not running!" I'm sure that sounded childish, but what do you want from me?

"Then why are you here?"

"It was better for him if I left, Mama. You wouldn't understand…"

"Running away from love is never the best way to approach things!" Mom told me. "If you love him, why are you letting him go?"

"Because he's better off without me!" I insisted. "He wouldn't want me even if I wasn't dirt poor!"

"Did he ever say he didn't want you?"

"No, but he never said he wanted me, either."

"Vivianne, listen to yourself," Mom sat down beside me and put her arm around my shoulder. "He never said anything because you didn't give him a chance," she shook my shoulder. "Why are you trying to stop things before they even happen?"

"Because I don't want to lose him, Mom," I buried my head in my hands. "I'm scared I'll lose him if I love him. Just like you lost Daddy."

"Oh sweetie," I felt her kiss my temple. "I didn't lose your Dad just because I loved him. Sealing is a tough and dangerous job. I knew that when I married him, and I loved him regardless. Dad's death was an accident."

I was sobbing now. She was right, I knew she was right, but I was still so unsure. After the way I'd left how did I know anybody on the team wanted to see me again? It felt dangerous, and it was scary to know I was in love with him.

"Tomorrow morning you're going back…"

"What?" I looked up with tears still stinging my eyes.

"I said," Mom started again. "Tomorrow morning you're going back to the airport, getting on that plane, and telling him that you love him!"

"Mom, I can't do that."

"You're not coming back here till I know you've done it, and if I have to I'll strap you into the plane seat myself!"

"Mom…"

"I mean it, Vivianne," she scolded. "You've been dicking around with him for too long. What has it been? 'It's okay to touch me, now it's not, okay now it is?' Back and forth and back and forth like that?"

"No!" I insisted. "I mean, if I did I never meant to."

"Don't give me that crap!" Mom was seriously starting to scare me. I had never heard her get so angry before, or maybe I had, and I just don't remember. "You get on that plane and you tell him the truth, Vivianne. I did not raise you to do this to other people. You need to make this right."

I didn't have the energy to argue with her. All I wanted was to sleep, and not deal with this at all. I knew she was right, but I didn't want to believe it. How could my mother be so smart about this? She hadn't even seen me for months, she didn't know what had been happening…

"I'm your mother, Viv, and I love you very much, but this poor guy deserves better."

"Can I go to bed now, Mom?"

"Not till you understand what I'm trying to say to you here."

"I get it, Mom!" This was getting annoying. "I fucked up, and it's not right to do what I did. I'll go back tomorrow and admit it. Happy?"

"Not really, but I'll take it," she took my tea mug, now stone cold and placed it in the sink. "Go to sleep, and I'll wake you up tomorrow morning."

I said nothing as I dragged my bag toward my old bedroom, and almost as soon as I shut the door I heard my mother shout "You're welcome!"

I didn't sleep well that night. What Mom had said ate at me. Was I really that bad? And if so, why? What reason did I have? I don't think I did it cognitively, I didn't wake up one morning and say "Oh, I'm going to fuck around with Craig Patrick's feelings'. Like I said I didn't want to lose him, and in letting him get close I ran that risk.

It seemed like I hadn't even been asleep fifteen minutes when Mom came and woke me up. Bane drove us to the airport, and waited for Mom while she got me on to the plane. I felt like a little kid again, having to have my Mom convince me to get on a plane. I wouldn't suffer the humiliation of her strapping me into the seat, even if I wouldn't accept that I was going to do what she told me to do till I was on the plane and not able to make a break for it.

Once the plane took off, I unhooked the folding tray, set it down, and rested my elbows on it, holding my head in my hands. All I could see when I looked around was Craig's face, and how broken hearted he was when I left. I saw him hold me as I cried after finding out Gary had died, our dinner date where he said nothing but 'I've got the bill, go" when Michelle called and refused to speak to anyone else but me. I saw his quiet intensity as he worked with the team, I saw his eyes the first time I kissed him… damn it, it hurt! How could I have hurt him like that? What kind of person was I?

"Miss?"

I turned my head to see the flight attendant standing in the aisle with the refreshment tray. "Can I get you anything?"

"Just some water would be great," I answered.

She poured me a cup and handed it to me.

"Thank you," I turned to look out the window, and all I saw was cloud.

Empty, white cloud.