A/N: You know the drill by now...I'm sorry for the long wait, especially after the way I ended the last chapter. However between an episode to write for a Tru Calling continuation project I'm involved with and some computer issues this past week, it couldn't really be helped. But here you go. If its any consolation, it nearly broke my heart to write this chapter. But I just ask that you all hang in there, and bear with me. Remember that once you hit bottom, the only place you can go is up.
Anyways, enjoy! And the song at the end is Learn to Be Lonely from the Phantom of the Opera movie soundtrack. It fits more perfectly than if I'd written it.
Dedication: To everyone who has continued to follow this story, despite the long wait between updates and the never-ending drama of the Destroyer and the Key, especially Sanity Fair and Daybreak and Destructo Boy for reviewing Chapter 12. Please continue to review! It fuels my muse. Now, with no further ado...
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Chapter 13: Heartbreak
Connor walked in the door to the apartment a short while later, feeling apprehensive and confident at the same time. As he flicked on the light and pulled off his coat, he jumped slightly when he saw that he was not alone. "Dawn?" he asked, concern in his voice. She was sitting on the couch staring straight ahead into the dark living room. All the shades were pulled down on the windows. "Dawn?" he repeated, setting his coat down and walking over to her. "Why aren't you in school?"
"Because I'm not," she finally spoke. She looked up at him and Connor was taken aback by her expression. He had never seen her look this way before. She looked angry, upset, and confused at the same time. Her eyes looked moist, but there was no evidence of tears on her face. "Where were you just now," she said, the remark more of a statement than a question.
"I had to settle something," he said, Dawn's actions making him nervous. "Baby, what's wrong?" he reached out to touch her face but she unexpectedly reached up and swatted his hand away.
"Don't call me baby," she said fiercely. She stared straight into his eyes, and Connor felt as if she was looking right through him. The feeling was not pleasant. "I had a little conversation with a girl named Kerri this morning. Name ring any bells?" Connor felt as if his heart dropped from his body completely.
Dawn stood up, crossing her arms tensely and walking slowly to the window, her back to him. There was a long moment of silence as she reached the window and stared ahead at the curtains. Finally her voice cut through the air. "Did you kiss her?"
"Dawn-"
"ANSWER ME!" she yelled, spinning around wildly to face him, the tears glistening in her eyes. His heart broke as he heard the pain in her voice. He realized that he had no other option but to tell the truth.
"Yes. I did. But its not the way you think. She kissed me, Dawn, this girl is trouble, she-" he attempted to explain himself, but she cut him off.
Dawn looked as if she had been slapped across the face. "You kissed another woman? You kissed another woman a few weeks ago and you lied about it to my face? She bumped into me, in the club that night. I asked you if you knew her and you said no!" she said incredulously.
"I don't know why I lied. I wanted to tell you, the day it happened I tried to tell you, but I couldn't bring myself to do that to you. I kept it inside, and it has tortured me Dawn, you couldn't even understand how horrible I've felt-"
"Did you ever think about how I'd feel?" she hissed. "Connor, I love you. And you have told me that you've loved me over and over again, and then you go behind my back with the first girl who looks twice at you?"
"Her family was moving in a few weeks ago. They were American, so the boss sent me and James to do the job. I was just working, and the next thing I know Kerri starts talking to me like she's known me her whole life. She's telling me this really personal stuff, about her parents and everything. She fed me this sob story about how alone she is, and how great it was just to talk to someone. And I must be a complete idiot, because I bought it," he rushed, determined to at least tell his side of the story.
"So what, you decided to kiss it and make it better?" she snapped.
"No. Then the next day we went back, and she started talking to me again. I told her about you, I told her how much I loved you. But she didn't listen, and then she kissed me, before I even knew what was happening-"
"Do you hear yourself?" she demanded.
"Yes I do. And I know it sounds pathetic, but I just have to make you understand I never wanted to hurt you. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I love you, so much, and when I realized what had happened and what it could do to you, I guess that all I could think about was protecting you," he pleaded.
"Why didn't you just tell me? I thought we trusted each other, I thought we had a wonderful, open, honest relationship. But I guess that was all a lie too." She paused. "So tell me, Connor. Did you sleep with her?"
He stared at her in shock. "No! I swear to you, I didn't. It was one kiss, that's all. I left that house, I made my boss take me off the job, I never wanted to see her again!"
She seemed to accept that, but her anger was still far from dissipated. "Yeah, but then you heard me talk about another American girl I met in school, and you freaked, right? Because God forbid I find out your dirty little secret."
"Dawn, I am so sorry. I should have told you right away. I was going to tell you this afternoon," he said honestly. "You asked where I was this morning? I went back to their house to talk to Kerri's mother. Dawn, she told me that everything Kerri told me was a lie. Her and her family were kicked out of their community in Florida because she was caught having sex with a fourteen year old boy in a school closet. She has a problem, Dawn, a serious problem."
"Oh, poor Connor, did the big, bad girl get to him? Nice. Nice way to make excuses for your mistakes," she accused harshly.
He realized that it did sound as if he was justifying his own behavior by bringing up Kerri's history. "I didn't mean to make it sound that way. I only wanted to tell you everything, so you can attempt to understand and try to forgive me." He stepped towards her, reaching out and taking her hands. "Please, baby. I love you. I'm so sorry."
Her hands hung limply in his hands as a tear trickled down her cheek. "I never thought I'd be having this conversation with you," she choked tearfully.
"Kerri did this. She hates rejection. When she realized that she could never have anything with me she snapped, that's why she said whatever she said to you today, that's why. She wants to destroy us. We can't let her win, baby, we're stronger than this," he insisted, kissing her hands, tears coming to his own eyes.
"You just don't get it, do you?" she asked suddenly, yanking her hands away and frantically swiping at her tears. "You can place the blame on Kerri all you want. I believe you that she's a pathological slut, or whatever you want to call it. But you were wrong here too, Connor. You kissed her, and lied about it to my face for weeks. You didn't even love me enough to be honest with me."
His heart fell. "I do love you, I love you more than I've ever loved anything. Dawn, you're my whole life. Please, I screwed up, I know I did. Just please tell me what I can do to make you forgive me. I'll do anything."
"Anything?" she whispered, the tears streaming readily now, her not even attempting to stop them.
"Anything. Just please, tell me how I can make this up to you," he begged.
She nodded, barely pausing to think. "Get out."
He froze. "What? No. Baby, you can't do this, we can get past this, I swear it will never happen again-"
"You said you'd do ANYTHING! So I said GET OUT!" she screamed shrilly. "I don't want to look at you. You make me sick."
"Dawn-"
"GET OUT!" she shrieked, her voice cracking with a sob. He stared at her, both of their hearts breaking as they saw the pain in each other's eyes.
He stood there for a long moment before he finally nodded, a tear slipping out of his own eye. "I love you," he said simply, before turning and walking to the apartment door. He opened it and looked back at her, praying that she had changed her mind and would let him hug her tight and promise to spend the rest of his life making up for his mistake. But she was unwavering. He hung his head as he let himself out, closing the door behind.
When he was gone Dawn sobbed, sinking down to the floor of the living room.
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Connor walked quickly out of the building, not letting himself release his anger until he was on the street, where he kicked a nearby can, sending it flying as he swore loudly. "Dammit!" he yelled, punching his hand against the brick side of the building, ignoring the pain. He had been too late. He had finally realized what an idiot he'd been for keeping this secret for so long, and by the time he had gathered up the courage to come clean it had been too late. Now he might have lost Dawn for good.
"No. I won't let that happen," he said aloud. "I can't let myself lose her. She's all I have." An old man walked by, staring at him strangely as he talked to himself. "What are you looking at?" Connor barked. The old man put his head down and scurried along hurriedly.
"Look what you've done," he muttered to himself, leaning against the wall of the building. "Look what you've done."
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After a few moments of just sitting there and sobbing, Dawn forced herself to get up. She walked to the bathroom and splashed some water on her face. She took a long look at herself in the mirror. Who am I now? Who am I without him?
She forced herself to snap out of it, going into her bedroom...their bedroom. She looked around, seeing so many reminders of him. One of his shirts sticking out of the dresser drawers, a picture of the two of them on the dresser. Buffy had taken it on the plane on the way over from LA. They were both smiling, and Connor had his arm around her. They looked so happy. She quickly reached out and snatched up the picture. She opened the closet door and tossed it onto the top shelf, hearing it land with a clunk. She looked at his modest wardrobe hanging there in front of her. Turning suddenly, she left the room, coming back a moment later with his suitcase. She pulled clothes out in piles and stuffed them in unceremoniously. It didn't take long to empty the closet of his things. Their only possessions had been purchased after the final battle in Sunnydale, and Connor, not being a fan of shopping, had never gotten as much as Buffy or Dawn. Finished with the closet, she moved to the dresser, piling his underwear and socks into the suitcase in a heap. When she was fairly certain she had removed all traces of him from the bedroom, she moved to the bathroom, gathering his deodorant, after shave, and other toiletries and stuffing them in on top of the clothes. Then she finally zipped the suitcase, thinking for a moment that it was kind of sad that all of his worldly possessions could fit in one suitcase.
She picked up the bag, carrying it to the front door of the apartment. She stepped out into the hall, leaving it next to the door. At this point she could care less if someone stole his stuff. She was pretty sure none of it meant anything to him anyway. She had been the one to talk him into buying most of it.
She closed the door and slowly walked back to the living room. She reached up to pull her hair back from her face, and her finger snagged on something. She emitted a tiny sob, breaking down again as she pulled the heart shaped pendant out from under her shirt. Her fingers shook as she unclasped it, squeezing it tight in her hand as she let the tears flow once more.
She wasn't quite sure how long she sat there for crying her eyes out before a key turned in the lock and her sister stepped inside. "Hey Dawnie, what's that suitcase in the hall for?" she called out, freezing upon seeing her sister crumpled and broken on the living room floor. "Dawnie? Dawnie!" she dropped everything and rushed to her side, cupping her tear-streaked face with both hands. "What happened?"
"It's over," Dawn sobbed. "Connor cheated on me."
Buffy drew back, shock clearly displayed across her face. "He did what?"
"He kissed this other girl, and lied to me about it," Dawn managed to choke out. "We broke up."
"Oh Dawnie," Buffy muttered, hugging her sister as tight as she could. "I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything," Dawn whispered, closing her eyes, feeling safe in her sister's embrace.
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James swung open the door of his college dorm room later that day, very surprised to see Connor standing there. "Hey! What brings you here?"
"Dawn found out. Kerri told her today. She kicked me out," he said, managing to sum up the trillion thoughts running through his head in three tiny sentences.
"Oh man. I'm sorry. Come in," James said, a sympathetic look on his face as he held the door open.
Connor walked into the tiny, single person room. "I just can't believe how badly I screwed everything up."
"She took it that bad, huh," James said sadly.
"Bad is an understatement," Connor retorted, sitting down on the bed. "Sorry for showing up unexpected. But I didn't have anywhere else to go."
"It's okay, man. It's a little cramped, but you're welcome to crash here until you work things out with Dawn again," James offered. He paused. "You do think you guys will make up, right?"
Connor groaned, placing his head in his hands. "I don't know. I really don't know. You didn't see her, James. She hates me."
"I'm sure she doesn't hate you. She loves you, any idiot can see that. She just needs time. She'll get over it eventually. Its not like you slept with Kerri...wait, you didn't, did you?" James asked nervously. Connor just gave him a look. "Yeah. Of course you didn't. Sorry."
"And you know what's really pathetic? I finally figured out today that I had to come clean. Tell Dawn everything. And then I get home to find Dawn having left school because that bitch told her." Connor proceeded to tell James what Temira Tyman had told him this morning. When he was done James let out a low whistle.
"Wow. I mean, I knew that Kerri was a ho, but that's pretty hardcore," he admitted.
"I know. And like the idiot I am, I tried to use that to justify to Dawn what happened. But it was my fault too. This whole mess is my fault."
"Connor, you and Dawn have something special. I know that doesn't just go away overnight. You'll see, she just needs time. I know you guys will get back together," James insisted.
Connor blinks back more tears, determined not to cry in front of James. "I don't know. It just scares me though. She's my whole life. She's all I've got. I don't know how to function without her."
"You've still got work," James said, trying to sound optimistic.
Connor glares at him. "If it wasn't for that stupid job, none of this would have happened in the first place."
"Yeah, true," James admitted. He anxiously glanced at the clock. "Hey, I'm sorry to leave now man, but I've got class. You can chill here if you want, I'll be back in a couple hours."
"Okay. No problem. And thanks again. For everything," Connor said sincerely.
James nodded. "Hang in there." He gathered up his books and headed out the door.
Once he was gone Connor sat there alone, clueless as to what to do next. He realized that all of his possessions were back at the apartment. He considered going back to get them. It was something to do, and he did need his stuff, but he also may have to see Dawn again, and he knew she wasn't ready for that.
"I'll just go, and see if I can grab my stuff unnoticed," he muttered to himself, standing up and hurrying from the room.
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"So then I told him to leave," Dawn said tearfully, as she sat on the couch holding her sister's hand. She had just managed to force her way through the entire horrible story of what had happened that morning that had turned her entire life upside down.
"Oh Dawnie," Buffy said, still reeling from what her sister had just said. She shook her head, fuming at Connor. "I could kill him for doing this to you."
"I never thought this would happen," Dawn said quietly. "I was so stupid. I thought we had some perfect love, and we would just live happily ever after without any problems. I guess I forgot that Connor is a guy, and guys just can't make things simple."
"I can certainly agree with that," Buffy said bitterly, reflecting on her own painful history with men. She looked back at her sister. "So what happens now? What are you going to do about school?"
Dawn groaned. "Thanks for reminding me that I have to see that bitch every day. I don't know if I can deal with that Buffy. I know she's going to keep harassing me about it."
"I won't let her," Buffy promised firmly. "I feel bad enough that you're in so much pain right now. I will not let this Kerri cause you any more problems. She will have to deal with me first."
Dawn managed a weak smile, feeling slightly better with her sister on her side. "But Buffy, I feel so lost. I don't know how I'm supposed to live without him."
"Oh Dawnie. You'll manage. I know it seems right now like you'll never get over him, and you'll never be happy again, but that's not true. The pain will pass. It takes time, but eventually you will be able to move on," Buffy said, speaking from experience.
Dawn shook her head. "It sure doesn't feel like that right now. It feels like he took a big piece of my heart with him when he walked out that door."
Buffy wrapped her arms around her sister again, hugging her close as her heart broke for her. How could Connor do this to her? she thought furiously. He always seemed so loyal and devoted. She sighed. I guess Dawn was right. Men just can't be trusted.
They stayed like that for a while longer until Buffy caught sight of the clock out of the corner of her eye. "Oh no, I forgot, I'm supposed to meet Gina to patrol tonight," she said guiltily. "I'll call her and cancel."
Dawn sat up. "No, it's okay. You can go. I'll be fine."
"No, I don't want to leave you alone like this," Buffy said firmly.
"No, really. Go with Gina. Just don't be gone too long," Dawn added.
Buffy looked hesitant, but finally gave in. "Okay. I have my cell phone. If you need anything, or just want me to come back, call me and I'll be here as fast as I can."
Dawn forced a smile. "I will. Now go."
"Okay. I'm going. But when I get home, we can talk some more if you want," Buffy said, giving her sister another tight hug and a kiss on the forehead. "Hang in there Dawnie." She stared sadly at her heartbroken sister as she slowly left the apartment.
Once Buffy was out in the hallway, she closed her eyes. "Mom, I really need you right now. Dawnie really needs you right now. Please give her the strength to get through this," Buffy whispered into the night. She knew her sister was exceptionally strong, but part of her feared that this was a blow she might never fully recover from. She finally set off to patrol after one last look at the closed door, her heart heavy with worry.
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"Oh Fiyero, l'amo cosà molto. Comunque, sono un sorceress di albino e ho avuto una volta una storia d'amore con mio fratello. Lei mai sarB in grado di amarme?"
"Oh Desdemona, il mio cuore batte soltanto per lei. L'amo malgrado I suoi numerosi difetti, e malgrado il fatto ho divorziato appena sua madre."
Dawn sat on the couch eating cookie dough ice cream out of the container, staring mournfully at the insanely melodramatic Italian soap opera as a stunning, raven-haired beauty appeared to tearfully confess her love for a shirtless, muscle-bound man. She didn't even make an effort to try and translate their words in her mind, just listening to the sounds of the elegant language and drowning her sorrows in the pint of ice cream.
Meanwhile, Connor slowly walked up the steps and began to traverse the hallway, pausing momentarily upon seeing his suitcase sitting outside the door. Conflicting emotions ran through his head; part of him was disappointed that now he would have no excuse to see her again, but part of his was also relieved because he had no more to say in his defense than he had a few hours ago. With a sigh he slowly walked to the door and bent down to pick up the bag, wrapping his hand tightly around the handle. He lingered there by the door, listening for sounds from inside. His abnormally acute hearing picked up the sounds of Italian voices, presumably coming from the tv. He wondered what she was doing right now, what she was thinking.
Dawn suddenly straightened on the couch, a sort of chill running down her spine. Something was different...after a moment of confusion, some part of her subconscious decided that it was him. She could tell that he was close. On autopilot, she set her ice cream down on the coffee table, turning down the volume of the tv. She walked towards the door without thinking of what she was doing, pausing when she reached it.
Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion
She felt the tears return and start down her cheek, not bothering to wipe them away as she automatically reached out and placed the palm of her hand on the door. On the other side, he did the same, his eyes closed in an attempt to suppress the pain he was feeling at not being able to go inside, take her in his arms, shower her with kisses, and promise her that everything was going to be okay.
She felt the tears return and start down her cheek, not bothering to wipe them away as she automatically reached out and placed the palm of her hand on the door. On the other side, he did the same, his eyes closed in an attempt to suppress the pain he was feeling at not being able to go inside, take her in his arms, shower her with kisses, and promise her that everything was going to be okay.Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You've always known your heart was on its own
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Fully aware of the fact that the door was the only thing separating them, he slowly removed his hand, breaking the unspoken, unseen connection between them. He stared at the door for another long moment before hefting his suitcase and slowly leaving the building.
She could tell when he left, and she slowly crumpled her hand into a fist as it drifted back to her side. Looking for some kind of confirmation, she opened the door, not surprised to see that the suitcase she had hastily packed earlier was now gone. Against her better judgement she stepped into the hallway, scanning left and right, some part of her hoping he wasn't gone yet. But there was no one to be seen.
Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived, life can be loved alone
She stepped back inside, closing the door. Trying to move on from the moment she had just experienced, she made her way back to the couch, cranking up the volume once again, not bothering to revisit her ice cream. She changed the channel and found a game show. At least people winning expensive luxury cars was a little more uplifting than the sorrows of Fiyero and Desdemona.
She had barely been sitting for five minutes when a faint knock sounded at the door. A thousand thoughts ran through her mind at once as she stared at the door. Then the person knocked again. Deciding that Buffy had been too worried and had come home early, she walked quickly to the door. When she opened it and her eyes fell on the caller, she blinked in surprise, stunned to see this person standing at her doorstep.
"Faith?"
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TBC! Please review!