Hey home dawgs. Tis Anna heeeeer. Oh yeah. I can spell. Okay, so I just finished Breaking Dawn last night (why so late? Cuz I like to take my tiiiiime.) Okay so I'm gonna be making fun of a couple of things.

1. Bella and Edward's continuous sexual contact.

2. Jacob imprinting on a baby.

It may not be funny in the beginning, but it will get funnier later in the chapter.

So here we goooooo…

-Anna

Renesmee's POV:

I was lying in my bed listening to my parents in the next room. Momma was screaming, but I knew she wasn't hurt. She's INVINCIBLE!! I was now a year old, although my physical age was five and my mental age was around fifteen. Almost every other night I heard Momma screeching. With my mental age being as high as it was, I knew what this screaming involved, but I wasn't gonna fill my mind with those thoughts because Daddy would hear them and get mad.

Of course a lot of times I just couldn't help thinking that. Who could? You can't prevent yourself from thinking something without thinking about preventing it. I looked outside my window. Enough was enough. I hope Daddy heard that. I hope he knew that I couldn't sleep at night because of him. And Momma.

I opened my window. I silently climbed out. Of course they would hear me. Or maybe not. There was a ton of noise in there. Momma kept screaming and things were constantly shattering. Within a few seconds, my parents were outside. Daddy was shirtless, but he looked better than Momma. She followed him out the door wrapped in a tablecloth. I winced.

"Where are you going?" Daddy asked, concerned.

"To Grandpa and Grandma's house." I said. I eyed Momma's outfit. She sighed and walked back inside.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I can never sleep with all the noise you and Momma make at night!" I snapped.

He looked apologetically at me. "I'm sorry," he said sincerely.

"Not sorry enough to stop though right?"

He shook his head. He loved Momma. A lot.

I walked away towards Grandpa and Grandma's house. "I'll be there in the morning," I called. Then I began to run. I arrived at Grandma and Grandpa's house within 15 minutes. I walked inside.

"Hey Nessie!" Grandpa said. "What're you doing here?"

"Momma and Daddy were making a lot of noise again." I said.

I heard Uncle Emmett's big booming laugh from upstairs.

"Is there a place I can sleep?"

Grandpa nodded, "Grandma Esme will show you a room," he said. I followed Grandma Esme up the stairs and into a room at the end of the hallway. There was a bed waiting for me. "Thank you, Grandma Esme." I said.

"You're welcome, dear," she said as she closed the door.

I laid in my bed waiting for sleep to take over my senses. About five minutes later, I was drifting away to sleep, but then I heard I tapping on my window. I whirled around to see if a bird was pecking at it or something. There was nothing there. I got up and walked over to the window. I peered out and looked down. There on the ground was Jacob my Jacob throwing rocks at my window.

I threw open my window. "JACOB!" I whisper screamed.

"Hello, my love," he called.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"I'm breaking you out!"

"What? I need to sleep, Jake."

"It's now or never." That did it. I jumped out my window into Jacob's arms.

"Hey beautiful!" He said. I blushed. Who cared if he was physically like… 16 years older than me? I was gonna make beautiful puppies.

"Wanna see me phase?" he asked.

"Yes!" I squealed. Suddenly he ripped off all his clothes.

"Jakey, why are you naked?" I asked.

"I have to phase this way, Nessie," he said.

"Okay!" I said. Then I looked down at Jake's pile of clothing. "Jake, where's your undies?"

"I don't where any, Nessie?"

I winced, but love meant sacrifices. "Not even to sleep?"

"I sleep in the nude," he said. Suddenly he jumped into the air and landed as a wolf. "You're such a pretty wolf, Jacob," I said.

He winked one of his black eyes in response. "But we need to do makeovers to make you a prettier person," I added.

He whimpered. "Oh I won't do it," I said. "Aunt Alice does much better makeovers than me."

I heard a squeal from the house. Aunt Alice must have heard the words makeover and her name.

Bella's POV:

I was sitting on mine and Edward's bed. Renesmee had only been gone thirty minutes and I was scared out of my mind.

"I'm sure she'll be fine," Edward answered my unspoken/unread thoughts. He was on the floor tugging playfully at the tablecloth that was wrapped around me.

"You think?" I asked.

He nodded and then his face went blank.

"What's wrong?" I asked frantically.

"My Nessie senses are tingling," he said. That's was all he had to say. I dropped my tablecloth and ran to the closet. I pulled on the first outfit I saw. It was a low, low neck tank top and jeans. Wasn't something I would have ever really worn. I would have to thank Alice for that later.

"What's going on?" I asked as we started running.

"Jake's planning something," he said. "He's debating between a few things."

"Jake," I groaned.

He nodded in agreement.

Renesmee's POV:

Jake indicated for me to climb on his back. He grabbed his clothes between his teeth then took off. I asked where we were going, forgetting that I couldn't get a response.

Once we were in town, I got off Jake's back. He phased back behind a bush and threw his clothes on. "We have to walk from now on," he said.

I nodded happily. He walked me a couple of blocks to a small movie theater. After we got tickets, we sat down in two seats.

Within about five minutes, the movie was starting. It was a new romance movie. Daddy wouldn't approve of the rating - it was PG-13. Daddy also said no dating, but for all he knew, I was at Grandma's and Grandpa's sound asleep. And this was just a night out with my future husband.

Jacob draped his massive arm over my shoulder. I sighed a happy sigh. I suddenly noticed how close his face was to mine. He breathed in my ear. I rubbed it uncomfortably. He placed his lips on my neck. "This is how it should always be," he whispered.

I tried to shrug away from him but it was no use. "CHILD MELESTATION!" I heard someone scream from behind me. I turned around to see a balding man sweating with his eyes bugging out.

"Jacob, take me back to Grandma and Grandpa's," I ordered. He shrugged and walked me out of the theater. After he phased back to a werewolf I kicked him in the chest. "ANIMAL ABUSE!" someone screamed. I turned around to see the same balding man stalking us.

"Dude, you're harshing my mellow. Go away or I'll friggin' suck your blood," I threatened.

He ran away crying. "Take me home, Jacob," I said. Suddenly I heard a wild rustle in the trees. Out of the darkness came Momma and Daddy. Daddy had a crazed look in his eyes. I think he wanted to kill Jacob.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY DAUGHTER?!" Daddy screamed.

Jacob shrugged.

"He raped me, Daddy," I said.

Daddy's face got really red… just kidding! His face can't get red because he's a vampire, silly.

Jacob stared at me like I was insane. "Wth?" he said. Oh wait… wasn't Jake a werewolf?

"Take the blame!" I said. He obeyed because he loves me. And love is a passionate emotion.

So Daddy bit one of Jacob's toes off and took me home. We left Jacob in the middle of the streets, a toeless werewolf.

And that was my night.

Yeah, not too funnay! Sorry home skillets.