Hola Amigos!!!! LOL you'll understand it later in the story. It is Anna. NOOOOOO! YES! MUAHAHA! Well I got this brilliant idea from a very random conversation me and Rachel were having on IM . . . so here we go

Bella's POV:

Why? Why did awful things happen to good people? And yes that good person would be me, jerks! It started as a normal day; Renesmee had tried to set herself up for adoption because me and Edward weren't proper parents. Puh-shaw. It's not like I asked to be a parent. Anyways my story began as I waited in the Cullen household for Carlisle to come home with my daughter who was hitchhiking a couple miles away.

Suddenly Carlisle's black car appeared in the driveway. I ran outside and lifted my daughter high into the air. "Renesmee, I'm so sorry! I'll take your feelings into consideration next time your father and I openly make love!"

She replied with "that's what they all say."

"I really truly am sorry," I said. "Now go get yourself some blood out of the refrigerator. You must be starving."

"That what they all say," she said as she walked into the house.

I turned to Carlisle. "Did she cooperate?"

He nodded. "She was fine, however I passed your father's house and there was a strange car in the driveway."

"That's ," I said. "Charlie doesn't usually have visitors. It wasn't Billy's car was it?"

He shook his head. "The license plate on the car said Utah."

Utah? Who did Charlie know from Utah? Suddenly it dawned on me. My grandmother! The one who wasn't dead!

"Carlisle, tell Edward I had to go! I need to go see Grammy!" I ran away leaving a confused Carlisle in the dust.

I arrived to Charlie's house and let myself in. "Dad?" I called.

"Bells? Is that you?" he called. He hadn't quite gotten used to my new voice.

"Yeah. Can I come in?"

"Of course."

I walked into the living room to find my dad sitting on the sofa with my grandmother sitting across from him. I cautiously sat next to my father leaving a few inches in between us. Luckily I wasn't drawn by Grammy's smell. She smelled like old people. Good thing Alice wasn't here – senior citizens were her weakness.

"Isabella?" Grammy said. "It can't be."

I smiled. "It is."

She frowned. "What happened after that wedding of yours? You get plastic surgery?"

I mirrored her frown. "No, Grammy. I did get surgery, but that was necessary because I got very sick."

She ignored me. "Heard you had a baby too," she shook her head at this. "Never thought sweet little Isabella would have a shotgun wedding."

My frown widened. "It wasn't a shotgun wedding. I had my baby after the wedding."

"Were you pregnant during the wedding, though?"

"NO!" I suddenly grew calm. "I'm sorry, Grammy. Would you like to come with me to meet my in-laws?"

She nodded slowly.

I drove her in her car at a normal human rate until we reached the Cullen estate.

"Big house," Grammy commented.

As I walked her to the front door, I heard Alice whisper from inside. My senior senses are tingling.

I opened the door. "I'm back," I whispered.

Alice's mouth widened. "I WAS RIGHT!" she screamed as she ran upstairs to prevent her from doing anything she's regret in the morning.

I walked Grammy to the sofa without saying anything. I sat down next to her and began to speak. "Grammy, I'd like you to meet my new family."

At that moment Edward came and plopped right next to me with Renesmee in his lap. "This," I said with lust in my eyes "is my sexy man, Edward and my daughter, Renesmee." Everyone groaned. "This is Carlisle and Esme, my father and mother-in-law. That's Jasper, my brother-in-law. Well actually, his wife, Alice, is Edward's sister. She's the one who ran upstairs. This is Edward's brother, Emmett, and his wife, Rosalie, who's also Jasper's sister."

Grammy gaped at me as I finished my long list of names. Then her open mouth widened even more. She then, turned to Emmett. "Excuse me, but did Isabella say your name was Emmett?"

Emmett nodded, confused. "Yes . . ."

She shook her head. "I'm sorry. I just used to date a boy many years ago who looked almost identical to you named Emmett. He couldn't be your grandfather by any chance, could he?"

Emmett's eyes widened. "Umm . . . well, it's possible. But, uh, my grandpa died because he, uh . . . got shot by some dude in the hood."

"Oh well that's terrib-"

"THE BABY NEEDS AIR!" Emmett boomed. "Could you take her out, Marge?"

"Oh, sure. Wait . . . how did you know my name was Marge?"

I turned to glare at Emmett, "yes, how?"

Emmett's face turned purple, which I didn't think was possible. "Umm . . . Granddad told me about some of the women he dated and the one he talked about the most was named Marge. I just guessed?"

Grammy shrugged then picked Renesmee outside and took her outside.

I pounced as soon as the door closed. "EMMETT WHAT IS GOING ON?!"

Tearless sobs escaped Emmett's mouth like the gay man he was. "I DATED YOUR GRANDMA!"

"YOU WHAT?!"

"YOU HEARD ME!"

Suddenly Rosalie turned to Emmett. "YOU HAD ANOTHER WOMAN BEFORE ME?!"

"Yes I did Rosalie, and that was when I actually like women."

Jasper who had been silent the whole time suddenly began screaming. "OOOOOHHHHHH YOU JUST GOT PWNED!!!"

Suddenly Grammy came back through the door. "Renesmee is a quiet one, she's just like her mother."

"That's what they all say," Renesmee whispered into Grammy's ear.

I turned to my Grammy as she sat back down. "Can you tell us about Emmett – the one you dated?"

"Yes, please do," Rosalie said furiously.

Grammy flushed. "Oh. Well Emmy and I-"

"OH I GET IT! GRAMMY – EMMY! LIKE THE AWARDS! HAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Jasper screamed.

"Oh God," Edward muttered.

"Yes," Grammy said nervously. "So we did everything together and told each other things that we'd never told anyone else."

At this, Emmett gulped.

"I told him about my real ethnicity. I didn't want people to find out I was Mexican so I told everyone I was Irish –"

"OH MY GOD!" I screamed. "WE'RE MEXICAN?!"

"Yes –"

"OH MY GOD!"

"And he told me how he was bisexual, but I didn't mind –"

"OH MY GOD!" Rosalie shrieked. "I KNEW IT!"

Emmett coughed loudly and violently. It was so violent that Jasper fell over and hit a vase.

Grammy didn't seem to hear the recent interruption because she kept on talking – that's what happens when you're old.

"Wait," I said. "Did you just say you smoked weed?"

"No," Grammy said. "We picked weeds together or else my father would beat me with a pencil."

"LIIIIIIIAR!" I screamed and ran out of the house.

"Bella!" Edward called. "Where are you going?"

"TO MEXICO!" I screamed. "TO BE WITH MY FAMILY!"

I took a cab and had to pay 500 bucks to go to Mexico. Sleazy cab drivers. He said it would be free of charge if I paid him with something else but I told him I couldn't be a pimp and a prostitute.

I arrived in Mexico after 2 days in the cab with the driver who smelled like moldy pumpkins – but I still wanted to eat him. I MUST RESIST!

I arrived in some little town that reminded me of a Hispanic Forks. As I walked the streets to find a place to stay I noticed a stout man with a massive mustache. I mentally named him Nacho. Eventually I turned around. "Umm . . . hi," I said.

"Hola Señorita. ¿Estás perdido?" he said in a rapist tone.

"What?" I said stupidly, but I was a sexy stupid girl.

"Ah, americano, ¿no?"

"Sí," I said weekly.

"Excelente," He licked his lips, which got slimy spit all over his rapist stache. He reminded me of my father. But Charlie wasn't a rapist. Was he? Charlie? NO! No, of course not. Plus there were no women down at the station. Wait. There was Annie, the trainee. But Annie was like . . . 20. Which made the thought scarier. What was Charlie doing? Was Charlie a rapist? That mustache was very rapist-like. No. ANNIE NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Nacho stared at me. "¡Ándale, chica!"

I followed him to a shack on the outskirts of town. Inside the shack were two other Mexicans. I named them Jesús and Margarita. They were making out – well umm . . . -cough- on the sofa. Margarita came off as a slut to me. I got the Marg part from Grammy's name – cuz she's a slut. I can't believe she had a thing with Emmett – good God.

Jesús looked like a rapist, too. He had a bigger stache than Nacho. I think it was a cult.

Nacho shed his jacket and threw it on the ground.

"I'M MARRIED!" I screamed. "WITH A BABY!"

"Oh," Margarita said. "Me also. I am on mí seventeenth," she said with a heavy accent as she patted her belly.

"Wow," I said. "All from your husband?"

"Sí," she said. "Both of dem." She pointed to the two rapists.

"Where are your kids?"

"In trash. But dey keep coming back."

Suddenly, Nacho handed me something that looked like weed. I then realized it was weed. "I'M NOT SMOKING MARIJUANA!" I screamed.

That's what I said for 2 days, but then I got thirsty. "Can I go get something to eat?" I begged.

Nacho threw the weed at me again. "Fine." I said. I inhaled slowly. "OH MY GOSH!" I screamed. "THIS TASTES LIKE FRUIT LOOPS!"

I soon learned that weed was a nice alternative to blood . . .

Edward's POV:

"Emmett, she's 88 years old!" I said for the 152nd time. "She's way too old!"

"Uh, well excuse me, but I'm 93 thank you very much."

"But you look 20! You dating someone who looks almost 4 times your age is beyond bizarre!"

"BUT I LUFFFF HER!"

"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS WOMAN IN OVER SEVENTY YEARS!!!!!"

"Love waits."

"WHAT ABOUT ROSE?!" I screamed.

"Rose can have Mike," he said matter-of-factly.

I thought this through. "No . . . that wouldn't work. Mike got herpes."

"WHAT?" Emmett boomed. Jasper, who was in the kitchen with Alice, fell over. Alice had been trying to boil Grammy in the crock pot and now Jasper was having a talk with her about how people have feelings. "Who'd he get herpes from?!" Emmett continued.

"Umm . . . I think it's the new Venezuelan dude."

"Hengelberth?! "

"Yeah, him."

"GASP! THEY SHOULDN'T LET STRANGE HAIRY MEN WITH STD'S OUT OF THE COUNTRY! WE MUST STOP THE MADNESS!"

"Umm . . . that sounds like a personal problem," I mumbled.

"C'mon Eddie-kins. Don't you want to do something dangerous? Feel the wind in your hair?"

"OH NO!" I shrieked. "Speaking of danger – Bella's still in Mexico!!!!!!"

"Ok, we'll pick her up on our way back from Venezuela."

"Emmett? What exactly are we doing in Venezuela?"

"We're gonna go bomb the citizens so they can't bring any more STDs into our country, of course."

"Since when do you care? You can't get an STD."

"Yes Edward, that is true. But this America. My country. The Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, and I . . . I – I Pledge Allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America. And to the Republic for Which it Stands, One Nation Under Obama, Indivisible, For Liberty and Justice For All."

"Emmett, it's one nation under God . . ."

"Not for long . . ."

. . .

"We there yet, Ed?"

"Emmett we just left fifteen seconds ago."

"Well drive faster."

"Emmett I'm not that good at driving planes, so I'd really appreciate it if you'd shut up."

"Fine. . . wanna play I Spy?"

"No Emmett."

"I spy with my little eye something big and blue."

"The sky."

"Dang it. How'd you know?"

"Well the only thing up here is the sky, and I can read your mind. Let's face it; it's not a fair game."

"Hey, read my mind now."

"Oh Lord Emmett, please don't think about Bella's grandmother that way."

"I'm sorry. She's just so beautiful."

"Shut up, Emmett."

…

"Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is butter dreams."

"Emmett?"

"Yes?"

"Did you just say life is butter dreams?"

"Yes."

"It's life is but a dream."

"Well you can dream about whatever sick things you dream about, but I dream about butter."

-Sigh-

…

"Are we there yet?"

"No, Emmett."

"Now?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"How about you shut up?!" I said angrily.

…

"FINALLY!" I screamed. "You got the bombs, Emmett?"

"YEESH!"

"GO BOY GO!"

"BOMBS AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" he screamed as he pressed the big red button. An atomic bomb was released from the bottom of our plane. "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET YOU SICKOS!"

I drove the plane away quickly in the opposite direction towards Mexico. The whole time I drove, Emmett sang the only Spanish song he knew: Feliz Navidad. He didn't want to annoy me by repeating the song over and over so he sang extremely slow.

He's so thoughtful.

Within about 2 hours my Bella senses began to tingle. I lowered the plane and landed it by an old run down shack. I hesitantly walked into the dark, damp shed. "Bella?" I called. "Bella are you here?"

Suddenly, a light flickered on revealing a half dressed Bella. I sighed. I couldn't leave her alone for 10 minutes without her going all slutty on me.

"Edworrrrrrrrrrrrrd?" she slurred. "Hey guyzzzzzzz t's Edworrrrrd."

"Hoooooooola," the Hispanics said.

"Edworrrrrrrrrrrd these are my palzzzzzzzzzzzz," Bella said as she collapsed onto the floor.

I ran to her and picked her up. "Bella? Are you okay?"

"I'm just dandy," she hiccupped.

"Bella, are you high?"

"Yussssssssssssh. Sure am. Try it. It tastes like frooooooooot loops."

Emmett burst through the door. "I LOVE FRUITY CEREAL!"

"Get back to the plane, Emmett." I hissed.

"C'mon Bella," I said as I carried her out. "We're going home."

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" she screamed. "NUUUUUUUUU Mí AMIGOS!"

"Say goodbye Bella."

"Bye guyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

…

As I got back to the plane, I noticed Emmett had pinned up pictures of Bella's grandmother in a bikini.

Bella immediately jumped back to sober mode. "PUT THOSE AWAY!" she screamed. "I NEVER WANNA SEE THAT LYING SLUT AGAIN!"

Emmett refused but then Bella's hung him out of the window as I flew until he agreed.

When we got back to the house Emmett ran to Charlie's house to protect Marge and Bella followed. However, when they got there, Marge was nowhere to be seen. On the other hand, another woman was there. I believe her name is Annie . . .

A/N: Kay, I'm an awful writer. Sorry this was so long. DON'T FOLLOW BELLA'S EXAMPLE! HUGS NOT DRUGS!