Hey guys! Anna here, just a little FYI – I kinda bring a bit of my political views into this one, so if you're pro-Obama I'd sit this one out.

Alice's POV:

I was walking down our extremely long driveway to go get the mail because Carlisle was too lazy to get it. Actually, that's not true – he was hung-over... yeah I don't know. So anyways I was walking back from the mailbox as I looked through the few bills we had. I noticed a letter; it was addressed to Emmbalina Cullen. Could that be Emmett? Oh God. Suddenly I heard a moan come from the sideyard. I glanced over there quickly to be sure no one was hurt. "OH MY GOD!" I screamed. "MY EYES! MY EYES!" I quickly turned in the opposite direction so as not to see Bella and Edward being very public with... yeah. "Why can't you two do that in the little home I decorated for you?!"

"Renesmee is having her semi-annual tea party," Edward said nonchalantly, acting like being naked with his wife in his family's yard was no big deal.

"How is it semi-annual?" I asked. "She hasn't even been alive a year. You know what, don't answer that." Then I walked inside.

"Emmett!" I called. "I think you have a letter."

"From who?" he called down.

"Doesn't say. Can I open it?"

"Sure."

Holy mother of Jesus. "Emmett, it's from the Oprah Winfrey Show."

Suddenly Emmett came whirling down the stairs in a long, blonde wig, mini skirt, high heels, a blouse, and underneath what looked like a push-up bra. I stared at him for a second, and then went to the couch to lie down.

Emmett's POV:

I just got an invitation from Oprah to be on her show. I am like so high on life right now. Well you stalker readers that somehow know about my life are probably wondering why I am dressed as a woman. Well, I want to have that woman-to-woman connection with Oprah and that'll only work if she thinks I have an eggs not sperm. My name is Emmbalina, a diabetic 25 year old woman who has 5 adopted South American children with scoliosis. When I was 12, I was attacked by vicious, rabid ostriches who left a large scar on the back on my right thigh. It's all very sad.

Suddenly Jasper walked through the door. "Oh hey Emmett," he said as if seeing me dressed as a woman was no big deal.

I bent down and ran my fingers up my leg in a sexy chick way. "Hey sailor," I breathed.

He ignored me. "I wouldn't go outside if I were you. Ed and Bell are getting it on again."

I sighed, wishing Edward would come and smell the flowers on the outside of the closet like me and Jasper had. Jasper stared at me. I winked, which made him cringe. "Emmett, for the last time I'm not gay!"

I nodded. My woman appearance made him nervous.

5 Days Later . . .

I WAS SO EXCITED! I WAS GONNA MEET OPRAH! ZOMG! AAAAHHHHH!

I was wearing skinny jeans, ballet flats, and a Sarah Palin shirt to show I thought women were awesome. My wig was cut into a bob to make me look sexy. I had to go to a boutique because Alice refused to help me.

I got off the plane and walked into the city of Chicago. I took a cab to the studio. I swear the cab driver was checking out my push-up bra. I got out where two beastly looking men greeted me. The bigger one, I mentally named him Frank, shook his head at my shirt. "Oh no," he said. "Oprah won't tolerate this shirt. Take it off." NO! I couldn't take my shirt off, they'd see my chest hair and see I wasn't a woman! I had to be sneaky.

"Okay then," I said in my woman voice. I ripped off my shirt as quick as I could and threw it into their faces. "CHOKE ON THIS!" I screamed as I ran inside. I quickly put on the jacket that was tied onto my waist. Suddenly a woman came up to me and gave me a black shirt that said CHANGE in large white letters. "Oprah will love you wearing this," she said. I walked into a room to put it on and sighed. I came out and the woman examined me. "Oh you look fabulous!"

All of a sudden I was on the stage, sitting next to OPRAH! ZOMG! "And today we have a very special guest with us. Her name is Emmbalina Cullen. She's a 25 year old single mother with 5 adopted children who all have scoliosis. Welcome, Emmbalina," Oprah said. I gasped.

"Well thanks for having me, Oprah."

She looked at my shirt and smiled. "I see you're a supporter of my friend, Barack Obama."

I fidgeted. "Well actually…" Suddenly words three words appeared on a screen behind the audience. It said Yes You Are. "Yes I am," I said quickly.

She let out a sigh of relief. "Well that's good. That means I can bring out The Finger." Oprah pulled a blue foam finger out from under her chair and stuck it on her hand. The Finger said "GO BARACK!" at the bottom. I gulped.

"So tell us," she said, "how do you deal with five Venezuelan children?"

I smiled. "Well it's all been a lot easier since I've met the man of my dreams."

"Oh really?" Oprah said. "Do tell us his name."

I paused. "Jasper." I breathed.

Alice's POV:

We stared at the TV, then at Jasper in disbelief. Finally he stood up. "Well, I've lived a good long life. If you're wondering where I am I'll be hanging from the apple tree."