Chapter 3

Ben stayed with his father and talked mostly about safe topics, such as Ben's travels and the people he helped. He mentioned a recent visit to Bastion where he had the chance to meet briefly with Jaina and her husband, the newly named Emperor Jagged Fel. Jaina was happy, Ben related to his father. She remained extremely busy with her small Jedi Academy and her five year old son, and now with the responsibilities of her new title as reigning Empress.

Luke chuckled, "I can only imagine that Jaina is very happy being touted as a queen. Happy making everyone else miserable. She hates such things. She's too much like her father in that respect. I almost pity the New Empire."

At the reference to Han Solo, Ben's mood saddened again but he hid the emotion from his father and quickly changed the subject.

Eventually, the Grand Master fell to sleep again and Ben readied to leave. He stopped at the door of the room and looked back at the one person he never felt like he could ever live up to. In Ben's eyes, Luke Skywalker was prefect. Maybe that was why Ben never seemed to relate to the greatest Jedi Master who was his father?

Finally, he turned to leave. It profoundly disturbed Ben to see his father so ill. It went against Ben's idea that Luke was somehow immortal.

He entered the main room of the Ossusan home of the Skywalkers and quickly moved toward the door. Suddenly a voice stopped him about three quarters of the way there.

"Hey, your mother just commed me and said that she was on her way home."

Ben faced the speaker, who was sitting comfortably on the couch with a cup of caf in her hands as she watched the HoloNet. Ben found it odd that Jysella Horn would be so at home in the house that he spent his earliest years, while now he couldn't wait to get away. For some reason that bothered him. He swallowed and crisply said, "I have things to do."

As he turned again toward the door, her voice stopped him, "What could be more important than your fa mily?" He watched her as she moved to stand before him, taking in her appearance as she did so. It wasn't a conscious thing for him; he just had a great appreciation for feminine beauty. Which he had to admit, Jysella was that. She had long black hair, striking green eyes, full red lips set in a pleasing heart-shaped face. She also possessed a great athletic body that the sleeveless jumpsuit showed off perfectly. Suddenly, he wondered what it would look like without the jumpsuit on. Stop, he told himself. She's your ex-wife's best friend. But she definitely changed over the years, he thought wryly, I don't remember her looking this good before or I probably would know what was under it.

Then realizing that he hadn't answered her he pulled his thoughts away from her attractiveness and said, "Will Seha be with Mom?"

Jys set her jaw and said, "Yes. And your daughter."

"I can see her later." He quickly dodged around Jysella and was at the door when her voice stopped him again.

"I can't believe it. You really are a coward."

He didn't turn to look at her, but clinched his jaw and gritted out, "Good day, Knight Horn."

Ben couldn't get away from his parents' house fast enough. After entering the Morning Star's cockpit he sagged into the pilot's chair and let out a long suffering sigh as he laid his head back on the seat back. Jysella's final words continued to echo in his mind. Maybe he was a coward. He would rather face an entire gang of the galaxy's worse space pirates with only his lightsaber before facing a little girl who he helped create.

He rubbed his face and then pulled his thoughts away from his daughter to the other issue. His father's request.

"Dad, why are you doing this to me? I'm no leader."

"But you could be if you stopped running."

He sat bolt straight and spun the seat around reaching for his lightsaber as he did so, but quickly stilled his motion toward the weapon when he recognized her. "How'd you get in here?"

The former spy and assassin s miled and, if she took offence at his harsh tone, she ignored it as she moved into the unused co-pilot's chair and sat down. As she looked over the control panel she said, "Nice ship. But you really should upgrade your security locks." She then quirked a coppery brow and looked at him, "You know, there was a time I spent all my energy running too."

"I just did upgrade the locks. Guess I need to again." When she met his statement with a smug grin and a shrug, he let out his breath and leaned back again. Looking out the forward viewport he snickered, "I always did think more like you than Dad." He then looked at the still beautiful woman, who he had inherited his red hair from, and went on, his voice somber. "Mom, is Dad really—?"

She looked down at her hands which were folded in her lap and he felt her immediate sadness. "Yes. Ben."

Ben shook his head and demanded, "But he can't! I can't do this. What about the other Masters? Corran Horn is still on the Council isn't he? Or Kyp Durron? Or—" Suddenly, he realized there weren't any other Masters that he could think of. He didn't remember all of the Masters who replaced the ones that he and Jacen killed. At that thought, he stood up and turned his back to her and repeated, "I can't do this. I was a Sith, for the love of the galaxy! How does he think the Jedi would ever trust me?" He turned on her and pleaded, "I killed Jedi Knights and Masters, I almost killed Horn and Krayt almost killed Durron. Surely there are other Masters more suited for this than me. Besides, I'm not a Master."

"But you could be a Master." Mara Jade Skywalker stood up and stepped before her son. Reaching out she clasped his upper arms and looked up into his blue eyes, "Ben, he's not asking you to take over the Jedi immediately. In fact, no one would accept you now, you're correct on that. However, you have become an exceptional Jedi, who really needs to do little to prove yourself and your dedication to the Order, except to stop running and officially re-join the Order. And you are a Skywalker. There will come a time when they will look up to you for guidance because of this fact."

He looked at her dubiously, and she chuckled as she led him out of the cockpit and into the common room of the yacht. She then gently pulled him down beside her on the couch. "Ben, let me tell you a story. I know you've heard this one many times but this time I want you to really listen."

She pinned him with a stare and he nodded, "Alright."

She took a deep breath, stared straight ahead and quietly began. He knew talking about her past was hard for her, "When I was the Emperor's Hand I did many things that I will always be sorry for. I killed beings simply because I was commanded to. I followed my Master's orders completely, I never questioned why he wanted someone dead, I just carried out the order. I never realized that I was almost completely under Palpatine's control until I met your father. When the Emperor was defeated by your grandfather, the image of Luke being the one who killed Palpatine was projected into my mind, with the order to kill your father. At first I spent a lot of energy trying to track down and get close enough to your father to carry out my orders. But I never could. As the war dragged on and I realized that my way of life was truly over, I began to run from the command and the person that I had been. But I never could get away from it; the only way I could was by actually withdrawing my connection with the Force. But then I didn't have the knowledge to reconnect. Palpatine never gave me knowledge. I was nothing more than a tool for him to use. And I tried to run from that realization. I knew I'd persevere but the only way that I could was by losing my self in the process."

Finally, she looked to him and concluded, "Luke, eventually helped me realize that I couldn't run from my past and that the only way to truly go on was to face it. Ben, my past will always haunt me, but I know where my loyalty now lies and that is what really matters.

She reached up to gently stroke his hair at his temple, he s miled at her and suddenly the years seemed to slip away. He took her into his arms and held her. "Ben, I've missed you."

Ben held the woman, who nearly gave her own life for his, not once but twice, and softly replied, "I've missed you too, Mom." Finally, he pulled away from the embrace and he s miled as he reached up and gently wiped the tear off her cheek. "Mom, I know what you are trying to say to me. That my past is just that, my past, and it bears no meaning on what I'd do today. I know changing sides and finding new loyalties isn't all that unusual, and I know a lot of the Jedi have touched the Dark Side, Mom. Or skirted it."

He stood up and moved away to stand near a strange artifact that he had displayed on his wall. It was an old DL-44 blaster pistol. He reached up and gingerly traced the hand-grip and again he felt the hollow ache within him. "But how many of those Jedi can say that they killed the people they loved believing that what they were doing was for the good of those they loved." He turned and looked at Mara and in a pained voice he went on. He hadn't told anyone about this, "Do you know who this blaster had belonged to?"

Mara looked back at the pistol and, when her green eyes widened with surprise, he said as he looked at it as well, "Yeah, it belonged to Uncle Han. I spent three years tracking it down."

Suddenly, Mara came up beside him and he turned to meet her gaze. She reached up and touched his face, "Ben, why are you doing this to yourself? You have to let the past go."

"Let the past go? Mom, how do I do that? Do you know how Uncle Han died?" her intense gaze was answer enough. He turned away and quietly said, "I was there. I watched as Krayt raised his lightsaber and—" Ben couldn't say it, he was having hard enough time remembering the hideous act he watched his cousin commit. However, it wasn't just the thought of what Jacen did to his own father; it was the thought that Ben would have just as easily committed the act if Jacen hadn't. "I'm the one who betrayed him. Do you want to know what I did, all in the name of the greater good?" He never gave her a chance to respond, "I tricked him into thinking that I believed the worst of Jacen. I fooled him into thinking that I had turned back to the Light. I lead him directly to Krayt. I'm the one who took this blaster from him when we got there. I will never forget the look of utter betrayal in his eyes, not just for Jacen, but for me. Me, Mom! I killed him as surely as Jacen did. And Dad wants me to lead the Jedi." He snorted bitterly; it was either that or cry.

"Ben," Mara stroked his hair and he met her eyes again. "Have you really ever talked to anyone about this?"

"What?" he was surprised by her response to his revelation. Maybe she already knew how Han had been killed.

She sadly s miled, "I think you need to talk about this." Then she let out a tight laugh, he glared at her and she quickly explained, "I can't believe I'm even suggesting this. But I think I know the perfect person for you to talk with. He knows firsthand about the type of guilt you're living with and why you keep running."

"Mom, Dad never did what I've done." With haunted eyes he looked back at the blaster.

"I'm not talking about your father, Ben."

He looked at her, "Who then?"

"Kyp Durron."

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