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Chapter 5

Ben sat up in his bed and pushed the tangle of long red hair out of his face. He had been on Ossus for three days and was starting to feel trapped. He had visited his father two times since that initial visit; during the last time Luke finally brought up Ben's avoidance of his daughter.

Now, Ben couldn't stop thinking about the reasons he was avoiding her. He was ashamed. He was ashamed of what he had done while he was a Sith and he was ashamed of his missing so much of her life. He didn't even have a holo of her; he didn't even know what she looked like until the other day when he saw her holo. He didn't know what she liked or disliked. He wondered if her personality really could be similar to his mother's as Jysella Horn had related. Suddenly, he considered what she would expect from him. He had spent eight years traveling around the galaxy. He had visited some of the most beautiful places the universe had to offer, but he didn't even once think of getting a gift for his only baby girl.

And over and over again the same question played in his head, keeping him awake and assaulting his sanity, What can she possibly think of me?

He wasn't sure why he suddenly cared so much what Melina thought of him. Maybe it was because he had loved her so much when she was a baby. She was his perfect little creation, despite the lack of real love for her mother. She had been everything to him but he soon came to the realization that she deserved better than him. He didn't deserve her and he had to prove to himself and to her that he did.

That was really why he left and set out to learn everything that he could and then use that knowledge to right the wrongs of the galaxy. He had to prove that he could be a decent man, that he could do good and that he believed in the Light. However, somewhere along the way he had forgotten why he had really set out in the first place to prove those things. He forgot about the little angel who came into his life and blessed him with her first word:

"Daddy."

He shook his head at the unbidden memory of Melina as an infant. He reached over on the built-in table beside the bed and grabbed a hair band. He stood up as he hastily tied his hair back into a tail that hung nearly to his waist.

He then made his way out of his sleeping cabin of the Morning Star and into the common room. Not turning the lights up he stumbled into the kitchen to brew some caf. Despite the mobility of the ship, Ben considered the Naboo yacht his only true home. He never had to stay put in one place for long; he would always have a way of escape.

The machine beeped and Ben poured a cup of the hot, strong brew. Sipping the mug he sat down at the table and finally looked up at chrono. It was only 03:00. Shaking his head he dropped his gaze to the steaming cup and suddenly wished it was something considerably stronger. However, as much as Ben joked about drinking strong liqueur he never overly indulged in the temptation. It was too easy to lose himself in a bottle but in the end it would never solve a thing.

Maybe I should talk to Master Durron, he thought as he took another sip from the cup. He hadn't really given his mother's suggestion much thought but she was right. He couldn't keep wallowing in this despair and shame that returning suddenly brought to the surface. He had spent too many years burying it, covering it over with good deeds and growth in his power in the Force. However, he never dealt with it. His mother was right; he'd spent his life running from it. Now, it was staring him again in the face and he was afraid.

He was afraid of what his daughter would think of him.

However, he was only going to make things worse if he avoided her much longer.

Ben took a deep breath, deciding that he had to finally face her. If she thought the worse of him, he could always leave again, regardless of what his father wanted him to do. Convinced that would be what he'd do; Ben stood and made his way back to the other sleeping cabin that he had converted to a mediation and training room upon his acquisition of the yacht.

He paced outside the door of Jysella Horn's door for several seconds before it opened. He turned at the swooshing sound and smiled as he rubbed his chin.

"Ben, what can I do for you?" her green eyes narrowed and she glanced over her shoulder.

Ben cleared his throat. He hadn't really given this part of the plan much thought. She was dressed in a dark grey flightsuit and she had her long black hair braided in two long strands that lay over each shoulder. Maybe I should have called her first. I don't even know what she does. If I remember correctly, she had been a fighter pilot. "I'm sorry," he murmured but decided to push on anyway, "I know it's early but I need to talk to you. To ask you a favor really."

She moved to the side of the door opening and gestured for him to enter. "Okay, but I don't have a lot of time. I have a class in thirty minutes."

Ben entered the apartment and quickly looked around. The walls were painted in a pleasing tone of light peach and soft greens and darker hues of the wall color adorned the couch and windows. On the walls hung numerous holos of the Horn family and there were even holos of Seha and Melina among the ones on the shelving by the entertainment center.

He felt Jys watching him; he finally met her eyes and asked, "So, you teach at the academy?"

"Yeah, I'm the flight instructor here at Ossus. I moved here about five years ago after—after I left Coruscant Security and the Academy here was revitalized." Ben thought he heard a crack in her voice and suddenly wondered what had happened. From what he could remember of Jysella Horn, she was very similar to his cousin Jaina, she'd rather be in a cockpit of a Stealth-X than anywhere else. She had been a commander in the CSF once the GAG had been disbanded and the Coruscant Security Force was recreated. However, Jysella said nothing more about her past or even her present as she made her way to the small round table where she turned and said, "I was in the middle of breakfast. Would you care for anything?"

Ben smiled, "Just caf, if you have some."

"Sure." She went into the kitchen and returned with a steaming mug. She set it on the table across from her and Ben took the hint and sat down. She then peered at him and as she forked some of the spiceloaf and eggs, she inquired, "Now, what did you want to talk to me about."

Ben took a second to collect his thoughts as he watched her delicately chew. "I would like you to arrange a meeting with Melina for me."

Jys laid the fork on the plate and wiped her mouth on a napkin. After she laid it back down, she pushed the plate away and leaned over her folded arms. Finally, she said, "You make it sound like she's the Imperial prince not your daughter."

Ben looked down at his caf and swallowed. He wasn't about to admit that he had felt more comfortable meeting Prince Avin than he did meeting Melina. Finally, he met Jysella's eyes and said, "I want to meet her some place where she will be comfortable. I don't want to scare her."

Jys held his gaze for a long moment then sighed, "Ben, what do you think Melina knows about you?"

He averted his eyes again and murmured, "I hope she doesn't think that I'm a monster."

"Ben," something in the way she spoke his name caused him to look up. He was surprised to find her smiling and his heart leapt at the beauty of it. "Melina doesn't think that you are a monster. She knows about the bad times in your life. She knows that you had been a Sith, but she also knows about all the good that you have done too. Seha has done a good job at raising her," Jys added softly.

Ben couldn't help but let a small spark of hope ignite in his heart. "I do want to see her, Jysella. I will admit I haven't always thought of her, but she's the reason I've spent the last eight years learning and helping. She's the reason I try to live by the Code." He swallowed hard and added in an emotionally soft voice, "I love her, Jysella. I know it's hard to believe but I've always loved her. But—" he let the sentence hang.

Jysella pinned him with an imploring gaze and said, "But you're afraid of her. You are afraid of what she will think of you. And you are afraid that she will hate you for what you have done." He was mildly surprised that she had read him so well but he nodded in agreement. She went on, "Don't be, Ben. But if you continue to distance yourself from her, she will begin to feel that you really don't want her, that you don't love her. And quite frankly, that would be the biggest mistake of your life."

The conviction in her words hit him hard. He stared at her and wondered if she could possibly be suggesting that his becoming a Sith wasn't the worst mistake he'd ever committed. However, the sincerity in her gaze almost convinced him that despite everything Melina was the most important person in his life and, by ignoring her, he was discarding her feelings, whether they were in his favor or not.

After a moment he asked, "So, will you set up a meeting? I would have gone to Seha's but somehow that didn't seem right. I don't even know her anymore. For all I know, she has remarried and moved on. Besides," he looked down again, "we didn't end on the best of terms. I highly doubt she wants me to show up on her doorstep."

Jysella stood and he looked up at her. As she picked up her plate to carry into the kitchen she retorted, "No you didn't leave her on good terms, Ben Skywalker. I was there to help pick up the shattered pieces of her heart after you so completely broke it. There was a time when all I wanted to do was put you in the crosshairs of my X-wing. Seha's my best friend and I still am having a hard time forgiving you for the callous way you handled your marriage."

Ben slowly stood up and glared at her. He knew that Jysella never had liked him, that she stayed away while he was married to Seha because of her disapproval of his marriage to her friend. "I'm sorry, Jysella. I was too young and I was too messed up. Hell, I still am. But there was a time when I thought I loved Seha. She was there for me when I most needed someone and I will never be able to repay that debt."

Jysella bitterly laughed as she set the plate on the kitchen counter. Her hands fisted as she glowered at him and scoffed, "So, you repay her by sleeping with other women?" She shook her head and swallowed, Ben could tell she was trying to control her anger, as she went on in a low tone that increased as she spoke, "You have always been selfish, Ben. I truly wonder if you've ever done anything that wasn't. You became a Sith in order to make the galaxy over into your vision of what it should be. You married my friend because you wanted comfort. But when you didn't want her comfort anymore, you went out and found others who could give you want you wanted. Never once did you ever give back. She loved you unconditionally and you threw that love into her face when you didn't want it anymore. You didn't want kids because you didn't want the responsibility of kids. Then when one came along you finally did the unselfish thing and learned to love her. You gave of yourself for the first time and it scared you to the Corellian Hells and back. So, what did you do? You did the selfish thing and ran."

"Are you through?" he was angry. He didn't need to take this from a woman, who despite their shared childhood or even their shared connections, was a perfect stranger. He moved closer to her and his nostrils flared as he glared down at her. "I know what I am, Miss Horn. I don't need you or anyone else to analyze me. Either you will help me try to set things straight with my little girl or you won't. But I won't gravel just because you feel that I owe you something for being Seha's friend during our split and divorce."

With that he turned and headed for the door. Her strained voice stopped him, "Meet me in five minutes in the simulation center. Mellie is in my morning class. You can talk to her then."

He nodded and hit the door release.

He couldn't believe how much Jysella Horn infuriated him. However as he made his way to the hangar, he still couldn't get over how beautiful she was, especially when she was angry.

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