Chapter 9
A/N: hi so sorry it's been a while since we updated...I was dragged up a mountain...anywho to make up for it have an extra long chapter with a cute Kakashi bit at the end. (at least I think its cute). Hopefully you like it and forgive us for ourlateness. F.Y.I reviews make us update faster and they make us write better...soo guess what your gonna do...REVIEW!!.
As always sorry if theres spelling and grammer mistakes we do try really hard to find them but they still turn up.
DISCLAIMER: No we don't own naruto and proabely never will...or at least thats whaat THEY think...
Iruka crawled out of bed the next morning expecting the worst. His mind was full of visions of disgusted faces, horrified looks and being chased out of the village. He had slept poorly that night and he really couldn't find the strength to get out of bed. The poor man was pretty sure that today was going to be absolutely awful.
He wondered if Hedi or Kakashi would have told everyone yet. He cringed when he thought of Kakashi and his break down in front of him last night, well that wasn't excruciatingly embarrassing was it now?
The man probable thought he was pathetic and useless and even now might be telling the world Iruka's secret. Well there was nothing for it, he would have to get up and face the day like a man, no matter how bad it would be.
He washed and dressed but felt too nauseous to eat anything so just grabbed his marking book and set off for the academy. Nobody was giving him weird looks and avoiding him, which meant that either word hadn't gotten around yet or neither Hedi nor Kakashi had told any one yet. Neither of these prospects cheer Iruka up. He knew Hedi and how cruel he was, and since he didn't have the money hedi would tell. And Kakashi...well there was no way he could look him in the eye again let alone talk to him. Besides the bastard wouldn't help him again way- look at how he had betrayed Iruka!
Iruka considered running away from the village all together but thought it cowardly and so plunged on with his day feeling like hell.
As he walked nervously into his class, iruka felt the distinct lack of hateful glances and hushed whispers. this should have raised his hopes but iruka thought he knew his luck to well for kakashi and hedi not to have done anything. he continued, terrified that any minute someone would jump up and shout at him, or an official would request for him to see the hokage. but strangely the entire morning passed without anything unusual happening, apart from a few student asking him in worried tones if he was alright. This terrified him at first because maybe they knew that something was wrong because their parents had said something, but it turned out that he just looked terrible. Well, he felt terrible. the suspense was killing him, that day felt like one of the longest in his life, but finally it was over. as he walked home he wondered why no-one seemed to know. Did hedi and kakashi have something even more horrible planned for him?
he did not sleep much that night and woke for the second time filled with absolute despair. he had decided that kakashi and hedi liked to keep him in suspense, that they liked the torture that they were putting him through. as he washed his face wearily and tried to rub the grit out of his eyes iruka noticed how terrible he looked. what had he done to deserve this? he supposed that it was punishment for betraying his father and leaving them like he did. But damn it! he thought the man fucking deserved it!, that was one of the stupid things about the world. However unfair Iruka's situation was that was just life. the stupid hateful world with its stupid people and stupid whores and stupid lies. Iruka sank to the floor of his bathroom and hit his head, hard, on the sink. pain blinded him as he felt the blood drip from his head. the stupid world hated him, and he hated it. The heaviness in irukas heart turned black as he thought of everything that he had had to put up with, things that he felt were just unfair. he did so much for everyone but now they were bound to hate him and if not now would very soon.
iruka did not go into work that day
the next few weeks past the same way with iruka dragging himself out of bed. he went into to work, hit and miss, he forced himself to drone on to his pupils. he sat at the missions desk and moaned to himself then dragged himself home to try and get some sleep (and fail). His life quickly became nothing more than a struggle through daily routines hoping that he could make it each day. Some times he couldn't and would end up curl on his bed shivering. All the things that he used to take delight in : his pupils, his garden, his booking and reading, stop having any interest for him spend his free time just trying to hold himself together.
one Thursday exactly three weeks after the incident with kakashi, iruka was having an especially bad day. Although he had made it to work he was certain that something was going to happen. (is it just me or is iruka a bit paranoid). For once he was right about this as about half way through the first lesson one of his fellow teachers came in and requested for him to see the hokage.
The bottom fell out of Iruka's stomach and he blanched. Oh kami, oh no, oh no nonono- raved this thoughts but his mouth managed t stutter "O-okay, umn, please can you take over here with the lesson please."
his jelly filled legs barely carried him out of the classroom before he started to shake. Oh no no no! It must be happening! Kakashi or Hedi must have told! And now he was going to have to face the consequences. It like he was going to collapse. He was nearly hyperventilating, his eyes were filling with tears and the shaking was worsening. 'nonononononononononono' chanted his thoughts like a mantra. But then Iruka began to get a hold on himself. "You knew this was going to happen," he told himself, "You should be prepared to face the consequences of it, there's nothing for it, you have to face them and pull yourself together and get to the hokage tower without showering your fear, act like the chunnin that you pretend to be!"
Iruka little self pep talk enabled him to make his way up to the tower. On the way there be began to construct a shell around himself to prepare for his very own worst case scenario. Little by little he calmed himself to make his breathing regular, to stand up straight and school his face to show no emotion and just bear it. Instead of "nonononononono" the mantra "What cannot be cure must be endured" Ran through his head. he couldn't stop this situation so his was just going to have to endure it.
The sum of all this left Iruka looking and acting, on the outside at least, a lot calmer by the time he was knocking on the tsunade's door.
"Come in"
Iruka walked in and noticed that he was alone with hokage "Well at least I won't have to deal with this in front of a crowd of people " Iruka thought pessimistically. But he wasn't going to speak first, he didn't want to put himself in a worse situation than he already was.
"Iruka-sensei I've called you heart on reports" Iruka gritted his teeth "What cannot be cure must be endured", "From your fellow teachers" she finished.
Iruka blinked. O-kaaay so were was this going?...
"In the last three weeks you have taken six sick days, three of which you didn't phone anyone before hand." tsunade was reading notes off a piece of paper. "Also you have turned up late twice and gone home early twice."
She glanced up at a stupefied Iruka. He didn't say a word so she continued.
"But furthermore, and this is what worried me, is the fact that, according to both your colleges from both the mission desk and the academy, All this time of seem utterly necessary and well deserved. They are saying that you don't look like you're getting any sleep, that you don't appear to be eating much, if any, and that your normally brilliant work performance has gone down hill. You've also became unsociable and irritable all without any sort of visible Provocation nor any explanation"
Iruka gaped. So this was clearly nothing to do with his past, but with his performance right now. How could he be so stupid as to show his true state! And how unfair was the world that he was this was picked up on so quickly! I mean it was him how had an absolutely spotless record, who had helped and solved so many problems, who had barely done a thing wrong, how unfair was it that he go in trouble about it sooo quickly!
In part Iruka was angry at himself for being so careless but three week sadness and fear were turning into anger which wasn't helped by the severe lack of sleep. He tried to calm himself he could get through this it wasn't as bad as he thought it would be "What cannot be cured must be endured, what cannot be cured must be endured".
The hokage ploughed on "However you have not been seeking any sort of medical help at all nor have you been on a mission recently enough to be experiencing any sort of post traumatic problems" She looked up from her paper and switched from being an administrator into a caring human being. "Iruka-sensei I'll level with you, I'm not angry about your poor work or anything like that, in truth I'm, we're all, really worried about you, there's defiantly something wrong and no-one know what"
Meanwhile in Iruka head "Really worried? How dare they! They didn't have to suffer through everyday day of thinking that it'll come out, they don't have to deal with the fear of being rejected and disowned by every one they love. THEY don't end of staying up all night because they can't sleep, THEY don't have to know that none of it was there fault and that its unfair but its still going to happen anyway! THEY didn't know that person who was most likely going to bring the world crashing down around their heads and STILL have a FUCKING CRUSH on said person, do they?! " Iruka had now gotten angry and couldn't calm himself.
"What can't be cured must be endured, what can't be cured must be endured, what can't be cured-" and then something that had been straining under three week of pressure snapt.
"Well Hosakge-sama I've terrible sorry for making every worry about me" he started his voice dripping with sarcasm. "But be assured that my silly little life will trouble you no longer if you simple stop giving a damn"
"There's no need to take that tone with me Iruka!" Tsunade snapped back." I don't know what your going thought right now but trust me I mean you no harm. I can help; if you just let me look at you to see if anything is medically wrong..."
"Medically wrong? Ha!" Iruka sounded bitter, "No it's not that and it's nothing that your, or anyone else's, pity can cure, just leave me be...until you see fit to deal with me!"
"Wha-? Iruka-sensei I don't understand you or why you're angry. Are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
"No I won't because despite what you say I don't you'll care in the long term and I really can't fucking deal with anyone else knowing! " Iruka screeched.
"Iruka you are getting out of hand" the hokage's voice now sounded authoritative and deadly, "You cannot you on like this, I hereby suspend you from all missions, all desk work and from your teaching position, this is by no means a permanent thing. But this village cares about you and you really need to recover from this- depression- I recommend that you try to figure out what ever your problem is. In the mean time you will go to the hospital once a week for a check up until i say otherwise. You are dismissed."
Iruka very nearly crumbled onto the floor, He just about managed to get out of the office before the shaking, breathing, and worst of all, crying started up again. He was a fool! To get angry like that for no reason! He was very lucky no to lose his job altogether! And the humiliation of having to be checked up! Iruka felt pathetic and wretched. The fact that it wasn't what his worst fears were didn't cheer him up at all. Because since he had just shouted at his boss, when it did come out it would probably be even worse.
"And of course" Iruka thought bitterly as tears streamed down his face as he made for home, "This time it was all his fault!"
--
kakashi was trying very hard to think of anything but iruka. He hadn't seen iruka in almost a month and he was beginning to suffer withdrawal symptoms. He had tried his very hardest to stay away from Iruka and it made him feel miserable. What hurt him the most what not knowing if Iruka was alright or not. He hoped that Iruka had fully understood the note explaining how his past would never trouble him again and how Kakashi would leave him alone. kakashi had been so tempted to put "love from" at the end of it but restrained himself thinking that it would only freak his love. Kakashi had left the note as a place marking in the book Iruka was currently reading as he knew that it was unlikely that anyone else would find it and since he knew that Iruka read a lot he was sure to find it quickly.
Kakashi stopped and looked around, typically is feet had unconsciously led him to irukas street, so he turned around and walked back, finally sitting in a tree that happened to look over the route that iruka would normally walk home by. kakashi pulled out icha icha and spent the next half hour trying to distract his dolphin starved mind.
Some time later Kakashi heard something, something that sounded like someone crying. He glanced over his shoulder at the road below and felt his heart constrict. IRUKA... crying... kakashi suddenly forgot that iruka hated him and felt an overwhelming need to do something to help then man that he loved, Kakashi couldn't bear to think of his 'ruka hurting. Kakashi followed Iruka to his door before slowly approaching him.
He was right behind iruka when kakashi unmasked his chakra and let his presence be felt. iruka spun around wildly and stared at kakashi, utterly confused.
iruka seemed to compose himself slightly.(yet again)
'What the hell do you want? I thought you were supposed to be busy trying to ruin my life.' he said in a weak voice
kakashi frowned- confused, but dismissed it to think about the more important issue of killing whoever made Iruka cry. And it was best to get to the point. His worry for iruka overpowering his need for iruka not to hate him. so he put on his best 'i was just wondering, but i dont really care' voice and said, rather tentatively,
'i was just wondering why you were crying, and if i could do anything to help?'
Unfortunatly this wasn't the best thing to say because it caused iruka to react violently,
'WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY AM I CRYING!? why do you think, genius? Also I think you have done quite enough to 'help'. So why are asking me this? You don't give a damn about me, you just using me to satisfy your boredom! LEAVE ME ALONE!!' ranted Iruka angrily. This was the very last thing that he could deal with.
Kakashi winced inwardly at Iruka's words, they hurt a surprisingly large amount. Iruka clearly thought he wanted to hurt him or that he was bulling Iruka, he began to speak quickly and urgently trying to get the message across to Iruka clearly.
'You can say a lot of this about me Iruka-san but don't you dare say that I don't give a damn about you. Seeing you over these past few weeks and seeing your state deteriorate...I've barely slept at all, I'm getting to the point were I'll do pretty much anything to make you feel better, and as for the people who hurt you, well its taking every once of self control I posses to keep myself from ripping them to shreds and hiding you away some were only I know about and not letting anybody hurt you ever again, so Iruka don't you ever EVER tell me that I don't care about you.!'
Kakashi saw Iruka's shocked face and couldn't believe that he had just said that. All of a sudden he was nervous and embarrassed and so he began babbling.
'The only thing I can think of that would make you like this is the whole Hedi thing but I thought you knew that that was over...I left you a note...but was never in league with Hedi and the reason that your story hasn't been uncovered yet is because I stopeed him and I'm really really sorry your hurt and I-'
Iruka pulled him self together sufficiently to interrupt. "Wait! what note?."
Kakashi stopping his babbling. "Well I left a note in your book, the one with the bookmark in...so that only you would find it..." He trailed off as he saw Iruka pale.
Iruka was panicking "I haven't picked up a book since this whole thing started...I've been too depressed...so there might be a note" raved one part of his mind whilst another said, "what hell did Kakashi just say! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!."
Kakashi composed himself, as he had managed to lose control of his words and emotions in front of Iruka again. But there was one last thing that he needed to say...
'I will do absolutely anything you want me to.'
Kakashi looked at the completely stunned look on Iruka's face for approximately 3.5 seconds before the part of Iruka's mind that was going "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! took over and made Iruka quickly turned around and slam the door in his face.
Taking that as rejection Kakashi slumped home.
--
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