Sorry about the delay with updates. I'm hoping to get this on a every two week posting schedule.

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Chapter 9

She ran out of the cockpit into the common room of the luxury yacht, but suddenly realized that trying to run from him was stupid. They were on a small ship in the middle of a hyperspace run. Sighing and knowing that she couldn't get away from him, she decided to go into the second cabin, the one that he had set up as a training room. In the corner was the uncomfortable, lonely looking cot that she would sleep on that night. She suddenly realized that she could have slept across the hallway in what she assumed was a very comfortable bed, where she definitely wouldn't be alone.

"Shivit!" she hissed and turned from the pitiful collection of blankets and hard mattress on a metal frame. She ran her hands through her hair and looked around the room; near the corner by the door hung an old fashioned punching bag. She stepped over to it, and without a second thought or hesitation, she punched it with all her strength.

It moved away with the force of her hit, but it was rigged to stop and return to neutral. The act of hitting something felt good, it relieved her tension and her frustration. With a grunt, she hit it again and then kicked it. Working up a good rhythm, she tried to figure out what just happened.

She wanted Ben. That wasn't the issue. She never held back before when she wanted a man. She hadn't been a stranger to the more primal side of the reason she put up with some of the arrogant fools she dated. It sure wasn't because she loved any of them. She had only ever loved one man, and he was gone.

Hit, kick, punch, then again and again.

"So, is that me you're hitting?"

She stopped, panting and sweating. Breathing hard, she turned to face him. "You just can't leave it alone can you?" With that said, she kicked out in a round house that brought the bag close enough to Ben that he reached out to grab it in the Force.

"Hey!" He moved it back to neutral and stepped in front of her. "If you want to hit me, then hit me." She glared at him. "You heard me. What the kriff is going on, Jysella. You can't tell me that you don't want me as much as I want you."

She turned away and hugged herself, but she didn't answer him. She didn't trust herself to answer him, because she did want him. She wanted him more than any man she had ever been with, maybe even more than Jard. But it was more than just physical attraction. And that was what scared her. If it was just sex, she wouldn't care if he never talked to her again, or what Seha thought, after all she and Ben weren't married any longer. However, she wanted more than sex, something in which Ben wasn't ready to give to her.

"Jys…" Ben was behind her, laying his hand on her slightly quaking shoulder. She wanted to jerk away, but couldn't. She wanted his touch. She wanted to be comforted by him, even if it was because of him that she needed the comfort for to begin with.

"Jys, what did she say to you?" Now his other hand was on her other shoulder gently kneading the tense muscles; he was right behind her. She could feel his overpowering presence and wanted so much to drink it in. "What did she tell you?"

She turned slowly and looked up into those blue eyes that seemed to take her soul and hold it captive. He reached up and touched her face and softly said, "Jysella, I'm sorry. I—I just…" He paused and took a deep breath and started again, but this time he wasn't shielding himself from her. She felt every sharp edged emotion from him—confusion, disappointment, anger, regret, hope, trust, desire and…love. It was that last emotion that shocked her. "Jys, I don't want to force anything between us. I'm as lost as you, but I've never felt like this for anyone. I won't sugarcoat my past." He nervously chuckled before sobering and adding, "not that I've been doing that with you. I've never been this honest with anyone, Jysella. No one knows the things about me that you do. But I'm not going to lie about my—my sexual escapades either. "

"Ben…" she gazed up at him, realizing that he had been open with her. He didn't hold back anything from her. Some of what he had shared about his dark past had been brought forth because of Melina, but it was still more than he had ever told anyone. "Ben, you don't have to…"

"No, I want too," he interrupted. After a moment he went on, "I've been honest about everything else. Why not my questionable sex life? You know why I left Seha. I didn't love her and I felt trapped. I wasn't ready for marriage. I wasn't ready to be a father. But Jys, you've helped show me how wrong I was about fatherhood. I saw it as burden that I didn't want. You showed me just how wrong I was. I can guess what Seha told you the other day. She told you that I'll hurt you, that I'll run away again when things get too complicated."

He paused and she slowly nodded as she whispered, "Will you leave? Or is this just sex to you? A game of conquest?"

He took a deep breath, and she felt his anger flare for his ex-wife. Surprisingly, he kept his shields down. He gazed into her eyes for a long time before firmly saying, "No."

"No what?"

"No. I won't leave ever again. No, this isn't just sex to me. No, that I'd ever consider you a conquest." Swallowing, he paused and then said, "Latyna Ward was a game to me. The Twi'lek I spent two weeks with before coming back was just sex to me. But you…" he stopped and threaded his hand into her hair. She was suddenly breathless, but yet wary. Ben was used to doing anything to get what he wanted, and she knew without a doubt that he wanted her. "…you are so much more. I've been with more women than I can even remember. But none of them set me on fire like you, Jysella. None of them ever mattered enough for me to remember the sparkle of their eyes, or the texture of their hair, or," as he spoke, his fingers traced a line from her hair down her face to her lips; finally, pausing on her lips, he huskily said, "the sound of their voices. But about you, I can't stop thinking about those things. From the moment I saw you at my parents' door, I've been mesmerized."

"Ben…please…don't say things like that." In that moment she had never wanted him more than she did then.

"It's true." He suddenly stepped away and she almost followed him forward. She instantly missed his touch. "But I won't push. I know I'm not really ready for this, and somehow I think you're chasing your own demons. So, I'll wait. You're worth it and I don't want to mess this up, Jysella. No one has ever meant as much to me as you do."

He turned and walked through the door, leaving Jys breathless and in a maelstrom of emotions. She was stunned for a long moment, until the shock of what he didn't say hit her as hard as a Force shove in the gut.

"Ben!"

He turned before he entered the open door of his cabin as she rushed out of the training room into the narrow hallway. Staring into his eyes, she knew that she had fallen for him.

"Ben, I think you're worth it too." She sucked in a long breath and let it out slowly as she moved toward him. "I do want you. There has only been one other man that has ever made me as crazy as you. But I'm so afraid. I could never survive another loss like that."

If her words surprised him, he showed no indication. "Your demon?"

She looked away, realizing that despite his openness with her, she had never told him anything about her past. "Yes, my demon." She swallowed and moved past him, heading back out into the common area. Ben followed her, but she didn't stop there; instead, she headed back into the cockpit.

She sat in the co-pilots chair and touched the button that controlled the viewport opaquing. Ben reclaimed his pilots chair and waited for her to begin. She found the swirl of hyperspace comforting as she stared out the viewport.

After a long time she quietly began. "Jard was one of my pilots. We met not long before the Battle of Thyferra. He was an arrogant, rich academy trained pilot who came to the Alliance Defenders after leaving GAG." She glanced at him, but he didn't show any surprise. She returned to staring at the vortex of blue as she continued, "He was born and raised on Thyferra. Heir to the wealth of bacta, but he wanted to see the galaxy before he had to take over the business. So, he joined the Navy and eventually found himself on the Anakin Solo. After the Battle of Hapes, though, he realized that Jacen Solo was not who he wanted to follow. He defected and, once the Jedi and the others who didn't believe in Jacen's GA or the Corellian Confederation formed the Defenders, he joined us.

"I had been given command of a squadron and he was assigned to it. Much to his dismay. He felt that he should have had a command of his own. After a few battles, he ended up my XO and my wingman." She stopped and looked down at her folded hands. She couldn't hold back the tears any longer.

"Jys…you don't have to do this. I can tell that it hurts to talk about it."

She looked over at him and responded, "No, I realized something, Ben. I have to talk about this. I have to let him go." He nodded and she looked back at the calming sight of hyperspace.

"We fought all the time, usually about stupid things. Sometimes I think we fought just to fight." She s miled at the memories. "He was so cute when he was mad. He had sandy blond hair and was tall with eyes the color of a cloudy day, right before a storm. I've never seen eyes the color grey his were." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. After a moment she whispered, "I think I fell in love with him the moment I laid eyes on him."

"Do you still love him?" The words were so quiet she almost didn't hear them in her reverie.

She looked over at him, meeting his intense blue eyes. "No. I miss him and I always will. I—"

She stopped and shook her head as more tears left her eyes. She wiped at them and swallowed. "You see, I miss what could have been. We parted ways after the war, but then when Coruscant Security was reformed and I was asked to command a squadron, I asked him if he wanted to join me. He didn't like the bacta business so he came on board. Again he was my XO and my wingman. It never even occurred to me that he could have had his own squad if he'd had requested it. Kriff, he was a good enough pilot to.

"We flew together for about two years before we finally admitted that we loved each other. We were actually arguing about something stupid when he got so frustrated with me that he grabbed me and kissed me. I was so stunned that I didn't know what to think." She s miled and glanced at Ben, who was watching her, listening to her every word. "We ended up on my desk, datapads, datacards and our clothes flying everywhere." She laughed and looked down at her fisted hands again. "I had never been so swept away in my life. And I don't think he had been either."

"What happened?" his words were so gentle.

She looked back out at space and said, "He asked me to marry him. We spent the night together and laughed about all of the time we had wasted. You see," her tone took on an edge as she said, "it turns out that he loved me for about as long as I had him, but because I was his commanding officer and because I was a Jedi, he didn't approach me. He had no idea that I loved him." She laughed bitterly and shook her head. "But hey, what the hell, we had the rest of our lives, right?"

Ben didn't say anything in response to her question. He just waited for her to go on. Looking away, she said, "Well, how stupid of us to think that. Do you know how many times in my career as a pilot that I've used that idiotic line that all pilots use to get sex? You know the one, 'Hey, baby, tomorrow I may die…'" she paused again, but Ben didn't respond. He waited for her to continue when she was ready. Laughing through a sob, she went on, "I never once thought it could possibly come true.

"The next day my squad was called out to investigate a suspicious freighter by Planetary Control. When the smugglers didn't want to give us what we needed, they started shooting. My fiancé of less than twenty-four hours was hit by a torp and exploded before I knew what was happening."

She sobbed and covered her face with her fisted hands. "But I should have known! I should have seen it! I should have been able to save him!"

Ben leaned over and pulled her into his arms. There wasn't anything romantic in the way he held her, he was providing her comfort. The comfort she so desperately needed. "Shhh…Jys, you couldn't have known what was going to happen."

She pulled away, anger in her eyes. "I'm a Jedi, Ben! I should have known."

"Jysella, being a Jedi doesn't mean that you can save everyone, or see everything. It was a fluke accident. A cruel, painful, hateful accident.

"That's why you left Coruscant, isn't it?" he added after a few more moments of holding her as she sobbed into his shoulder.

She pulled away from him and stared out at space again as she replied, "I was a mess. I fired on the freighter with two torps. It blew instantly. I had never been so angry in my life, Ben." She looked at him and said, "I touched the Dark Side that day and it scared me."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Jys. They were scum. Sure, the right thing would have been to bring them in for questioning and arrest, but they probably would have only taken someone else's life too."

She shook her head. "No, Ben. I touched the Dark Side. I was disgusted at being a Jedi. I almost left the Order because of it. I immediately resigned my commission and was ready to resign from the Jedi. I didn't know where I was going to go or what I'd do, but I didn't ever want to use or touch the Force again."

"So what changed your mind?" he asked when she paused for a long moment.

She looked at him and s miled. "Seha…and Melina helped convince me the most. And, of course, my fa mily and Master Mara were there for me through the tough times. Your dad asked me to come to Ossus to teach at the flight school. I agreed on the condition that I never have to go on a mission as a Jedi. I haven't stopped touching the Force, but I don't use it much outside of its very general uses." After a long sigh, she concluded, "But what hurts the most is the missed time we could have had. That's why I don't want you to miss any time with Mellie, Ben. We just don't ever know when it will all run out."

Ben pulled her back into his arms and she didn't fight him. Quietly, he said, "I'm so sorry, Jysella. I had no idea..."

She pulled away from him and looked into his eyes. "Ben, some small part of me will always love Jard, but he doesn't rule my heart now. Someone else does."

She let her shields down and his expression of sorrow suddenly turned to hope. She s miled and whispered, "I made a promise to myself that if I ever fell in love again I'd never wait to tell him." She cupped his face and ran her fingers over his braided hair. "Ben, I think I'm falling in love with you."

Ben stared deeply into her eyes and replied, "I—I think I'm falling in love with you too."

She s miled, but before she let him kiss her, she said, "Ben, I don't want to rush this. Okay? I may want you, but we can't. Not yet. We both have too much healing to do."

He gently brushed her lips in a tender kiss. "I think we are on our way to healing though. But you're right. As I said before: I don't want to mess this up. You mean too much to me." Then he captured her lips in a passionate kiss that took away both of their breaths

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