Disclaimer: Drake and Josh – love but totally do NOT own; just for fun, no profit sought, no copyright infringement or bad vibes intended!
Rating: T for Teen, mild and implied slash (not graphic), humor and fluff
Author: therubyone
Summary: What might have happened that night, following the on-screen events of the beautiful Season 4 episode The Wedding.
LET THEM EAT CAKE – Part Two: Closets We Have Known
Drake and Josh stepped out of the kitchen and into the ballroom, clinging to each other's arms, Aunt Barb pushing at their back. They surveyed the room around them, blinking and panting slightly as if they'd just come up for air after a deep sea dive. The church hall had been decorated in ivory and dove gray. There were some 50 relatives and friends of the couple in attendance, the age of the average guest on the other side of fifty.
Aunt Katherine, confused and cranky, looked at the assortment of cakes on their little plates, as the servers placed them on the buffet line. Her voice carried clearly across the room, "This doesn't look like the picture in the brochure."
The hum of small talk and random noises abruptly ceased, as dead silence erupted and all eyes turned towards Drake and Josh. But the only eyes the boys worried about were those belonging to Audrey and Walter. The boys scanned the crowd, anxiously seeking their parents, and very much avoiding eye contact with Aunt Katherine. Drake suddenly felt hot, like his mother's gaze was burning holes in him.
Fearlessly, Aunt Barbara stepped up between the boys, taking each one by the hand, and led the cowering pair right up to Aunt Katherine. Josh studied the floor, seeking a crack to melt into, waiting for a scathing rebuke. Drake gulped and pulled at his necktie, which suddenly seemed so tight. In a calm, friendly tone, Barbara introduced herself, dropping the boys' hands, but putting her own hands on their shoulders, lest they should decide to take flight. "I'm Walter's sister, Barbara. We met at Audrey's and Walter's wedding a while back. Let me offer my congratulations to you and your groom on your nuptials."
"Thank you," answered Aunt Katherine, proudly, leaning with one hand on a cane that had been specially decorated with ivory ribbons, baby's breath and antique lace. She acknowledged Drake and Josh with an almost imperceptible smile and nod. After a moment's pause, Katherine swept her free hand into a gracious gesture towards the banqueting table, where the desserts had been set out. "Would you like a piece of cake?"
"Yes. I'd love one!" Barb enthused.
The crowd let out a collective sigh, as conversations resumed and the wedding guests began lining up at the buffet tables. If Aunt Katherine or her groom remembered that they hadn't cut or fed each other the first piece of a traditional wedding cake, neither one seemed bothered by it. They were served their own plates at the table of honor, where they sat down and ate, as they exchanged adoring looks at one another.
"You're late, boobs!" hissed Megan, coming up behind the boys. Josh and Drake noticed that their mother was trying to disengage herself from the elderly person to whom she was listening. She kept turning her head to glare at them. But it was Walter who got to them first. He hustled them upstairs into the now empty sanctuary, leaving Megan to hang with her cousins. Megan didn't mind, as she was extremely interested in getting to know her smexy 15-year-old cousin Nathan a whole lot better.
"Start talking," said Walter, scowling alternately at Drake then Josh.
Again the boys recounted their tale of woe. Walter threw up his hands, and then crossed his arms across his chest. He searched the room. Upon finding what he was looking for, he walked down the main aisle, briskly pulling Josh along by the wrist. Drake, as if attached by an invisible chain, followed behind, his shoulders hunched in dread. Walter opened a door and pointed. "Both of you in here. This instant!" he ordered, fumbling for the overhead light. The boys went into a walk-in closet and storage room located behind the altar, underneath the chancel.
"I've got to tell your mother what's happened. Stay put." Walter shut the door and left them there.
With grim humor, Drake told Josh, "Well, there's nobody else I'd rather share a closet with!"
"We could write a book," Josh concurred, miserably, "Closets We Have Known."
They examined the space in which they were confined. There were hanging vestments, two stacks of dusty hymnals, a coat rack, a small chest of drawers, a silver communion salver, a baptismal font, but no chairs. Everything seemed ancient. The boys sat down on the carpeted floor and removed their shoes, rubbing their aching feet.
Pointing to an ornate iron grate, Josh said, "Look! There's an air vent in the floor. You can see right through to the room below."
"Mom told me this church is like over one hundred years old. That's probably why Aunt Katherine picked it. It's OLD, the same as she is! The building was moved here from somewhere else. The hall downstairs is all modern construction and twice as large." Drake scooted over to peer down the grate alongside Josh. "I wonder if we can see what's going on."
"How long do you think Dad will keep us in here? We're missing the rest of the party," moaned Josh.
"I can't see anything but what's directly below. This grate must be at the edge of the room. But listen! They're starting to play music," Drake told Josh, while turning his head this way and that to see if he could get a better view.
"I hear it. Maybe it's the bride and groom's first dance?" Josh wondered.
"I'm glad I'm not out there, then. You know I don't dance," replied Drake, grimacing.
"We could practice in here. Nobody would see." Josh stood up and extended a hand to pull Drake to his feet. Grinning, he added "But I get to be the boyfriend!" Josh wanted to lead.
Drake accepted Josh's hand and stood facing Josh, bargaining, "Take turns?"
'Kay," agreed Josh. Formally, he bowed, and said, "Drake Parker, may I have this dance?"
Drake lifted his hand up into Josh's waiting hand and felt Josh's other hand slide around so that his palm was in the middle of Drake's back. Drake put his own other hand on Josh's shoulder. Josh had let his Grammy send him for lessons when he was in elementary school. Always the good student, Josh had dutifully practiced, shyly enjoying the physical contact with his female partners, even if they HAD to dance with him during the instruction. Drake was certainly graceful enough to be a good dancer, but up until now it wasn't a skill he found much use for, so it was only fair that Josh take the lead until Drake got the hang of it.
They danced slowly, with closed eyes, in their stocking feet, turning in tight circles around the limited space, giving themselves up to the music.
Josh said, "You know, I never even told you how nice you look tonight. You're what they would call – in Megan's magazines – a teen dream."
Smiling, almost blushing, Drake giggled, and replied, eyes still closed, "You look purdy, too, Joshie, even minus the jacket."
Drake's face turned up at the very moment Josh's head bent down and their lips met tenderly in a perfect, soft kiss. And for a moment, as they continued their slow dancing, and leisurely kissing, their troubles were all forgotten.
Their sweet reverie was interrupted by the sound of voices. People were talking - in hushed tones! - right below the floor vent. Motioning for silence, Josh broke away and knelt down, so he could hear better, with Drake quickly crouching beside him.
The voices belonged to their dad and Aunt Barbara!
They heard a grumpy Walter saying, "Why didn't they just call us from home as soon as they knew there was a problem? We could have made other arrangements to get them and the cake over here."
Aunt Barbara reasoned, "You gave them the responsibility and they were doing their best to keep up their part of the bargain."
"And look how that turned out!" replied Walter, somewhat sourly. Then he added, "You know I'm grateful, Barbie Doll, that you came along and found the boys. I started worrying about them as soon as Josh's phone kept going to voice mail. We had no way to contact them. Drake goes through phones like they're toilet paper!"
"Walter, you know what I've been through this past year. With the cancer scare, the chemo and all. It's made me think about what's important in life. This is a family celebration, a celebration of family. What do you want your sons' memories of this occasion to be? That you kept them in a closet? That they failed miserably and you were disappointed in them?"
Walter didn't like trouble, especially arguments with the opposite sex. "What do you want me to do?" he whined.
Aunt Barbara coaxed her baby brother, "Let them out! Let them join the party! A wedding should be a happy time for everyone. Let them eat cake!"
"I don't know," demurred Walter. "Audrey's furious. She's got this long-standing rivalry going with her older sister Libby."
"Oh. The beach house. The boys told me. What's more important to her? The self-esteem of her sons or a vacation getaway?"
"Of course she loves the boys! But if Libby wins out on this beach house thing, there'll never be any peace in the family," explained Walter.
"Do you want me to have a word? Audi and I have always gotten along."
"No. I can manage to talk to my own wife, thank you very much."
Barbara didn't believe it for one minute. But to save his face, she knew she had to let Walter attempt to get the last word in with Audrey.
The boys touched each other's arms but waited until Walter and his sister had walked away before they started talking about what they'd overheard.
"I never knew Aunt Barbara had cancer!" Josh exclaimed.
"They never tell us anything important. I always thought Mom was on solid ground with Aunt Libby," Drake mused.
There was another interruption: two more people talking, down below. These voices sounded higher, younger.
"I got it, Megs! Here's an empty bottle for the game."
"Good work, Nathan. Let's round up the others and find a quiet spot."
"Yeah, we've got to do something for fun at this freak show!"
"I haven't been to too many weddings, but this is the first one where the bride and the groom dozed off during their vows," laughed Megan, in her sarcastic way.
"I hate that part of the service, anyway, and it just made it drag on all the longer," added Nathan.
"And how about that soloist? She forgot the words and had to start all over again!" Megan chortled evilly.
"No wonder there's a line a mile long at the cash bar." Nathan concluded, "I'll find us somewhere we can hide, if you'll gather the others together for some Spin the Bottle."
Drake frowned when he realized what his little sister was planning.
But Josh rumbled with delight. "She is so gonna get busted! This will take some of the heat off us, bro!"
Chewing his lip, Drake commented, "I guess the Parker genes weren't limited to the male line."
Josh poked Drake. "Lighten up, dude. It's just a little Spin the Bottle."
Sure of his facts, Drake responded hotly, "Well, that leads to 7 Minutes in Heaven. A lot can happen, Josh, in seven minutes. A LOT."
The door opened. It was Rena. "You're sprung, boys! Your aunt is negotiating the terms with your mother right now. Put your shoes on and come out."
Rena led the boys down a different stairway to the reception on the lower floor. The boys saw Walter in the line for the bar. Aunt Barbara informed them, "You're going to have to repay Aunt Katherine for the wedding cake. You can work out your own arrangement with Trevor, pending whatever insurance claim he can make. Your mom also wants you both to pay Fancy Formals for damages to Josh's rental. Finally, she expects you both to apologize in person and in writing to Aunt Katherine and her new husband."
The boys nodded in agreement. Josh responded, "We can handle all that."
Aunt Barbara wrapped up, "The dinner's already been served, speeches made, toasts proposed. Now all that remains is the dancing, the drinks and the desserts. The whole thing will be over by 11pm." The lights were way down low, a silver disco ball turning above the crowd, with a DJ in the corner spinning wedding reception favorites.
Released to their own recognizance, Josh and Drake snagged several of the dessert plates. Learning that their punishment was not as bad as they'd feared, the boys' appetites returned and they found themselves famished after all the excitement of the night's events. Locating an empty table in the darkest corner, far away from the wedding party dais, the boys compared their snacks and decided to share, feeding each other from the assortment of cakes. It was better than nothing.
"Do you think Aunt Barbara or Rena would get us some drinks from the bar?" Drake wondered aloud, but not too loudly.
"No. If Uncle Jimmy was here, he would, but that's Dad's side of the family. Really, Drake, we'd better not get into any more trouble tonight." Josh tried to be responsible.
"Listen, Josh, after what we've been through, we need something to take the edge off. Relax!" Drake answered.
Josh turned Drake around by the shoulders. "Hey! Wasn't that Megan who just sneaked up that back stairwell?"
"I don't know, but I saw Cousin Nathan, for sure," answered Drake. "Let's keep that item on file." He turned to the most important topic at hand and said, "I bet Uncle Larry – that's Aunt Libby's husband – would hook us up with some alcohol."
Josh wanted to tell Drake not to, it could only add fuel to the fire between their Mom and her sister if anyone found out. But he was too tired. And too relieved that things hadn't gone worse, much worse. So he decided to do just what Drake suggested: he'd relax. He watched Drake zigzagging his way through the crowd, like a dragonfly, careful to avoid anyone whom he thought might yell at him.
Josh was sitting there contentedly nibbling cake, drinking iced tea and staying off his sore foot, when Audrey appeared at his side, causing him to startle and break a dish.
"Take it easy, Josh. I didn't come over here to berate you," Audrey told him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. "As you know, your Aunt Barbara is an incredible person. We were talking and she helped me get past my stress over this wedding and the whole beach house thing. So I came over here to see if you would dance with me. Since you and Drake got here so late, this is the only chance I have to show off my two handsome sons." She continued to pat Josh lightly on the back. "Your dad and I were very concerned when you didn't arrive, you know." Audrey was smiling and she didn't seem so mad after all.
Josh willingly offered his arm to his stepmother and escorted her onto the dance floor. He loved to dance and he wasn't about to let a bruise on his foot stop him. Halfway through the second song, Josh felt a tap at his shoulder. It was Drake cutting in.
Drake excitedly whispered in Josh's ear that he'd left a few shots of peach schnapps at their table.
As Josh was handing Audrey off to Drake, Audrey reminded Josh, "Now be sure you give me that receipt for the cake. I don't want Libby meddling—"
"I may have left it upstairs. In the minister's changing room." Josh lied. He knew positively that receipt had been in the suit coat that got mangled by the ancient Chevy's engine. Being around Drake all these years, Josh had to admit, was having an impact on him, for better or worse. He didn't like telling fibs, but he could now recognize a situation where a lie was not only useful but necessary.
Josh sat down again and watched the people moving around the dance floor. He heard Audrey say, as she and Drake swirled by, "You're getting better. You haven't stepped on me once!"
Josh sipped the schnapps. It tasted fiery and fruity at the same time. He felt a lovely tingling rush flooding his insides, as he finished off the first shot. So this was what people liked about weddings!
Two-and-a-half songs later, Drake returned to the table and downed his first shot in a gulp. "That should chase the cold away," he remarked, with satisfaction.
Feeling slightly giddy, the boys chatted happily together, with their ties loosened and their feet up on the extra chairs, as they observed the various guests.
The volunteers emerged from the kitchen and started clearing away plates and glasses onto rolling carts. The bartender announced last call. The DJ played the clichéd "Last Dance." The event was clearly winding down. The boys clinked their remaining two shots together and toasted, "To the bride and groom?! To the beach house – we earned it!" They carefully finished their drinks, Josh using his tongue to make sure he had gotten every drop.
Aunt Barbara and Rena appeared. "Well, time to go. Your dad's looking for Megan. Your mom went to find that receipt. You boys will be coming home with us tonight. We can run you back to your house tomorrow. Walter doesn't have enough room for you all in the Mustang."
Just then Drake and Josh heard Audrey's loud but muffled voice shouting "MEGAN PARKER!" Noting that the sound was coming from the ceiling, they comprehended that they'd been sitting nearly below the vent from the closet above. Josh had surmised correctly where Nathan and Megan had gone. The boys triumphantly knuckle-touched under the table! They wished they could hear what their mother – and father - would say to Megan on the long ride home. They would have to enjoy it in their imaginations.
As Josh and Drake followed Barbara and Rena out to the truck, Rena said, "I hope you don't mind, guys, but you'll be sharing a bed."
Smiling sideways at Drake, Josh emphasized "We don't mind!"
Drake, returning the look and casually tugging at Josh's sleeve, politely assured his hostesses, "Not at all."
THE END