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arianna56: Thanks for reading...Yeah this story only has a onetime evil Ben. And Jys does seem to have more spirit in this story.

Chapter 10

Ben felt incredibly awkward walking into the hallowed halls of the Jedi Temple. He had been there since the day he and Jacen attacked, but after being gone for eight years, those few times following his redemption didn't seem to count. All Ben could remember was the battle inside where he and Jacen tried to destroy the Jedi Order.

"Sir? May I help you?" asked the Apprentice manning the reception desk at the main public entrance.

Ben looked from the marbled floor to the boy. "Ummm…yeah, I'm here to see Master Durron."

The boy nodded, then proceeded to punch some buttons on the computer before him. "Do you have an appointment, sir?"

Ben swallowed his urge to run and responded, "Yes. I'm Ben Skywalker."

The Apprentice quickly looked up at Ben, with an expression of astonishment on his young face. Ben glanced away, not wanting to see the mix of awe and fear in the boy's eyes. After a few seconds, Ben asked, "May I go up to his office?"

"Oh…Ye-yes," he stammered. "Master Durron is expecting you."

Ben hastily moved through the Temple to avoid both other Jedi and his painful memories. Ben forced himself instead to think about Jysella, which really wasn't much of a challenge. She always seemed to be there these days.

Although at the time, he was frustrated that she stopped his advances last night, he now was glad. She was right, them jumping in bed would have been wonderful in the moment, but not for the long term, not for them to achieve the real sense of intimacy two people in love is supposed to share, which has nothing to do with sex. They needed to deal with the rest of their emotional baggage, learning to share the burden of their pasts. They had to learn to bare their feelings and souls with each other before they bared their bodies. Ben knew this; he really did, but it was much easier to be physically intimate with someone than emotionally. Though, he had been more emotionally naked with Jysella Horn over the past months than he ever had been with anyone, maybe even with himself.

Suddenly, he sensed someone and looked up to find himself staring into the green eyes of Kyp Durron as he stood in his doorway.

"So, the prodigal son returns," Kyp said with a wry grin. Then he totally surprised him by taking Ben into a fierce embrace. As they came apart he broadly s miled and declared, "It's good to have you back, kid. You've been missed."

Ben felt slightly unsure and Kyp sensed it. He moved away and Ben said, "It's good to be back…I guess."

They moved into his office and closed the door. His office contained the stark furniture that Ben had always associated with Masters' offices, but Kyp's office also contained a small nook that contained two couches facing each other. Kyp never liked speaking from behind a desk, which in that moment Ben appreciated.

After sitting on the sofas, Kyp opened their meeting by saying, "What is that you want to talk about, Ben? I think I know, but I want to be sure."

Ben stared at him for a long moment before replying with a question of his own, "How do you do it, Master Durron? How do you go on, knowing that most people think you're a monster? But more afraid that the people you love the most will even think less of you?"

Kyp leaned back on the seat and let out a long sigh. After a very long moment of him staring at Ben, he finally said very quietly, "Your father never did quite get it that redemption is all well and good, but doesn't put the psychiatrists out of work. Ben, if you came to me thinking that I can give all the answers that will erase some of the pain, I'm sorry I don't have them. I only know what works for me."

"That's all I want, Kyp. I want to know how you cope, so that maybe I can see that it can be done. Some days I feel like I've got it all together. I have fun with my daughter and enjoy the verbal sparing that Jys and I do."

"Horn's daughter?"

"Yeah," Ben answered Kyp's surprised question. Looking away and deciding that he had to completely come clean with the Jedi Master, he said, "We've fallen for each other, it would seem." Then he laughed and looked back at Kyp. "Can you believe it?"

Kyp sniggered. "You never do anything easy, do you? You fall for your ex-wife's best friend and the daughter of a man who wouldn't know forgiveness if it clobbered him over the head. Well, at least Horn will leave me alone for a while once he finds out you're interested in his little girl."

Ben glared at the Master, causing Kyp to chuckle, but he quickly sobered and said, "I think I know what you are getting at, Ben. Some days you feel good about yourself. You're happy and you're pleased with the way things are going. Then suddenly you think you shouldn't feel this way, because those you killed will never be able to feel these things again. Then comes the guilt and the self loathing because you were the one responsible for denying those beings their chance of enjoying a russet sunset, or the laugh of a loved one, or the joy of something as simple as a cup of caf."

Ben gazed into the troubled eyes of the older man and whispered, "Yes."

Kyp then stood up and moved to stare out the window beside his desk. "It took me years to get over that, and some days I slide back into that thinking and want to run as far as I possibly can. But I've realized that running away from it isn't the answer."

"You never left the Order."

Turning, Kyp s miled. "Maybe not as out of touch as you, but I made sure I was anywhere but Yavin for a long time."

"Your time chasing pirates and smugglers with your squadron before the Vong war?"

"Exactly." He turned back to the window. "I spent years running from the people who knew me. I often escaped completely by pretending I was someone else. Taking an alias, not just so no one knew that I was the destroyer of Caridia, but so I could actually be someone else, if for only a little while.

"But running wasn't the answer for me any more than it was for you. The Vong war made me face my demons and in the process I nearly fell again." He turned back to Ben and went on, "That's the hardest part of the process, Ben, learning from your mistakes. Some of us are better learners than others, trust me." He s miled sadly.

"I've only really been tempted once to touch the Dark Side again," Ben responded. "It surprised me actually, because it was only two years ago. I was investigating a smuggling ring and ended up discovering a child slavery operation."

"Those will get to you every time," Kyp sincerely replied. "I ran into a few of those too along the way."

"Well, when they deal with this type of slavery and you have a little girl…" Ben shook his head as his voice trailed away.

Kyp swallowed hard and said, "I think I get the idea. I'm not a father, but I can't say I'd been able to handle it any better. We may have been Sith, but some of the things non-Force users do to other living beings makes me sick. It's worse when they have no remorse for their crimes."

They were quiet for a moment, until Ben said softly, "That's it, isn't it? Remembering that we too are only mortal beings, and though it doesn't absolve us of our crimes, there are others out there doing things just as bad as we did, who will never add a decent thing to society. At least, as Jedi we can stop them from taking more beings with them."

Kyp shrugged and moved back to the couch. After sitting on the edge and looking at Ben, he said, "That's some of it. But it's also knowing that, because we aren't just normal mortal beings, we have a responsibility others don't."

"But that's why I feel so guilty," Ben protested and stood up, clearly agitated. "I know I screwed up the responsibly part. I became a Sith Lord, Kyp. Darth Blazen. He will always be a part of me."

"Ben," Kyp's voice was low, causing Ben to concentrate on him. "You wanted to know how I deal with it?" Ben nodded and regained his seat. "I remember the ghost of my brother forgiving me. I remember all the slavers I put out of commission and the grateful stares of their captives. I remember that I helped bring a young, angry woman back from the Dark Side after she lost both of her brothers."

"Jaina?"

"Yes."

"Is it true? Did you love her?"

Kyp's eyes got a far away look to them for a moment, but he recovered quickly and s miled. "Yes. But not in the way you think, I knew that I was too old for her, and though it hurt, I accepted that she loved someone else. However, she still believed in me. She helped complete the healing Zeth's ghost started. She helped me realize that the people who really matter don't consider me a monster. Even Horn, with all of his self-righteousness doesn't think I was a monster. Jaina believed in me and she helped me realize that being happy didn't make me a monster. She helped me get over my fear of being happy.

"That's really the issue, Ben. We have to stop feeling guilty for feeling happy because our victims will never have the chance again. You are not a monster for loving your daughter, you are not a monster for enjoying that cup of caf, and you are not a monster for giving everything you have to someone, even if it may fall short some days. We were given a second chance to live, Ben, but it wasn't to punish us with a life without happiness. We were given a second chance to stop the thugs who would so willingly take happiness from others, like that child slaver. It's a chance to make sure those little girls you found get treatment and find love. It's so we will be able to see someone else headed down our paths and help them back. It's…"

"It's being there for Melina and Jys and my parents…and everyone who cares."

S miling, Kyp leaned over and patted Ben on both shoulders. "Yes. Because they love you and will no matter what and only want you to be happy because it is okay to be so. And the only thing that will make you into a monster is ignoring their love."

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