6 - In which a terribly amusing prank is played.
This chapter I have decided to dedicate. Firstly I would like to dedicate it to muddy worm, who is unfailingly lovely and encouraging. I would also like to dedicate it to an unnamed story I read recently. It made me laugh a lot, but I'm not quite sure if it was supposed to. Kudos for effort, I suppose. Don't worry - if you're reading this, that can't have been your story. I shall also dedicate this chapter to authors who try to find really long words on wiktionary.
Marlene scribbled with a fury upon the square of parchment.
"So how do we know who to send this letter to?" Lily asked as she watched her friend's quill fly.
"Hmm...? Oh, Er... you just put 'pen pal' on the front of the letter and your ultra-clever owl knows where to take it." Marlene replied assuredly. She signed from 'Your pen pal.' with a flourish as Lily searched for her own parchment.
"I don't know what to write," she fretted. Marlene ignored her, going instead to open the window. An owl swooped in, did a tight turn away from Marlene's hopeful face and landed atop the hanging rails of Lily's four poster. Lily reached up to take the waiting letter.
"What does it say?" Mary asked with eager curiousity.
"Hang on. Erm... Dear Pen pal, hello. I don't see the educational benefits of this stupid project, but hey! It's nice to sort-of meet you. My pen-name is Jet. I like quidditch, sugar quills and transfiguration, although I am not keen on the projects McGonagall sets, but this one looks like the easiest yet. I am male and in seventh year, but undoubtedly you knew that from what McGonagall told us. So, tell me about yourself please. Cheers, Jet."
"Wooooooooooow. He sounds hot."
"Mary, how can you possibly tell that from a letter?"
"She was being sarcastic, Dorcas. She barely ever stops."
"Why Marlene! How can you say such a thing? Sarcasm is far below me. It was a sincere attempt to sound like you, because you're my role model."
Lily ignored her friends' childish teasing, too intent on the letter to pay them much heed.
"Guys, I'm going to the head dorms to get my parchment. I'll probably stay there - do some work and get an early night."
"How could - Oh. Bye, Lily. - How could you not call that sarcasm? Could anyone get any more sarcastic?"
Lily slipped out and sped back to the head dorms. As she sat at her desk with the parchment, she heard James enter their common living room type thingy. She wondered who his pen pal was, and then pushed the thought belligerently from her mind before starting her own letter.
'Dear Jet,' she wrote. 'This must be the pointless project I have ever been set. Not that I'm complaining. At least it means less Transfiguration work. I have to confess, it isn't my favourite subject. That's Charms, or maybe Potions. I'm a Gryffindor, who also loves sugar quills, chocolate frogs and quidditch - although not as much as some boys I know.' Lily paused, and then scribbled an afterthought. 'Tell me about your family. Got any siblings? Bye, Emerald.'
Why, Lily wondered, had this mysterious boy named himself Jet? How enigmatic. To what could this name pertain? Perhaps the boy had uber-fast reflexes. Perhaps it was the quick way in which he would capture a girl's heart. Her owl was super-conveniently perched upon a gilded rail on her desk, meaning she did not have to make the arduous trek to the owlery. Peanuts, the beautiful snowy owl (she had a genetic appreciation of snowy owls) stood serenely upon a single leg as Lily tied the letter to the other. She sighed happily and looked out the window as her owl curved away through the air. Her mind wandered to abstract things and Transfiguration. James, meanwhile, was also looking out of the window, but his own thoughts were a great deal more straightforward.
'I wonder if she's thinking about Diggory,' he wondered. A pained look crossed his face. 'I know she never thinks about me. Everything I do makes no difference. I'm just not good enough for her. My life is terrible. I'm such a tragic hero.' He sighed miserably, dragged his fingers through his hair and took the hand mirror from his desk.
"Sirius," he said clearly (and sorrowfully). Sirius's face appeared almost instantly.
"Hey mate. Whassup?"
"I'm feeling a bit... You know."
"Evan's fever again?
"Yeah." James replied gloomily. "She's so wonderful, so perfect, but she never even realises I'm there-"
"Yeah, yeah, cool. Anywho, I've got this totally awesomnial prank planned. Meet me at the kitchens in fifteen minutes."
"Sure." James replied sadly, and his own face reappeared in the mirror.
The Marauders walked in to the Great Hall the next morning, eyes turning in their direction as they usually did. But however much scrutiny they were subjected to by adoring fans, no one discerned the faint greyness below their eyes, the slight squinting that was a result of a firewhisky-induced headache, the hint of a smirk playing on the lips of Sirius, James and Peter. Remus just looked ill. Remus always looked ill.
"Aaah, pork chipolata sausages." Sirius said grandly as he sat. "One of the greatest culinary inventions. Would you care for a sausage or four, oh dearest chum of mine?"
"Gladly will I accept these sausages you offer!" James exclaimed, spearing several sausages from the proffered platter. Further down the table, Lily rolled her eyes at their idiocy. Peter masticated with an open mouth and Remus buried his nose further in his book as the four Marauders fell silent, eating breakfast with sudden calm. It was a remarkably peaceful and sleepy morning. A single, early owl drifted through the rafters, making the only low noise. In fact, there was barely any talking from the students, as they were all content to chew. Long moments passed. James winked at Sirius, and Sirius responded with an imperceptible grin. There was a pause.
CRACK.
A sound inexplicably like splitting wood resounded from the Slytherin table. Everybody froze, not noticing the Marauders' silent laughter. A heartbeat passed. Snape looked at Avery nervously.
BANG.
A sound like a firecracker made the Slytherins jump. There was a pause, then-
"My robes!" Lucius Malfoy shrieked girlishly. There was a ripple of crimson and gold, and suddenly the Slytherins were howling with rage and anguish, trying to rip the Gryffindor colours from themselves. What torture, what misery. What could be worse than this?
"What could be worse than this?" Avery sobbed, tugging on his sleeves.
"I love fluffy duckies." Snape told him.
"You wha'?" Malfoy asked inarticulately.
"I love bunnies too!" Bellatrix Black stated with shock.
"I want to save the fuzzy things"
"-And put them in my zoo."
Suddenly the Slytherins began to leap onto their table, a cacaphony of badly tuned voices singing a terribly amusing song about saving the fluffy creatures. McGonagall stood up and waved her wand, returning them to their seats before bellowing-
"BLACK! POTTER! MY OFFICE!"
James and Sirius merely guffawed with laughter.
"Aw, this is so unfair? How come no-one ever thinks I did it?" Peter complained wretchedly.
"Count your blessings, Pete." Remus told him wanly, before returning to his book.
"Man, that was the totally most awesome prank ever, dude!" Sirius told his friend gleefully. "I'm such a retarded genius, being able to concoct a potion that changes your robes and makes you sing a song about fluff. All bathe in my wonderosity."
"I can't believe you were that insensitive," Lily seethed at James. "Coprophilous(1) detrivore(2). When will you get it into your aeruginous(3) brain that if you continue your tortfeasance(4) you will not be in your position of head boy for much longer. And I will never love you!"
"Lily, you are afraid. You wish to startle me with my lack of comprehension, and thus become the hegemon(5) in our relationship, regaining some of the control you feel you have lost through your blossoming feelings for me. But those words are in my vocabulary, and one day you will love me as I love you." James informed her calmly.
"Woah. Prongs has a word more than three syllables in his vocabulary." Sirius crowed.
"Apparently, so do you." Remus replied in a monotone, still peering at the pages before him. Lily noticed how sexy Remus looked, despite his ill appearance.
"No I don't!" Sirius cried, affronted.
"Vocabulary is more than three syllables," Remus pointed out. Lily smiled in appreciation of his massive intellect before turning to Potter.
"You are an imbecile. I am going." And she turned and marched away, strangely enough leaving James feeling the worse for wear. He slumped for a few seconds, and then bolted up and after her.
"Evans!" He positioned himself neatly in front of her.
"Go away, Potter."
"No, Lily, please listen. Look, I was depressed because you don't like me, but if you go out with me, see, I will never prank again."
"Go and produce vomit and then proceed to die in it." Lily told him nastily, although inside she was fainting with sudden unexplained love, and flattered by what he said. She brushed past his elbow.
"Oh Merlin's obscure underpants." He whispered when she was out of ear shot. "She touched my elbow. I need a cold shower!"
Dear Emerald,
I approve of your appreciation of chocolate frogs and sugar quills. But I have to ask, what is your opinion on cockroach clusters? Chocolate frogs, I've always thought, should come in a variety of flavours. Perhaps pumpkin? A good friend of mine, a sensible boy unlike myself, is quite obsessed with chocolate frogs. Come to think of it, he's obsessed with all chocolate. You wave a bar of Honeyduke's finest around and his pupils dilate and he leaps for it. It is terribly funny. We once tied one to the ceiling beams and he spent twenty minutes trying to get it down the muggle way before remembering his wand.
My best mate once tried to cross breed peppermint toads with chocolate frogs to get mint chocolate tadpoles as a birthday present for aforementioned chocolate addict. He played romantic violin music and everything to get them in the mood, but it didn't go so well. The spells sort of merged somehow. Yeah. Anyway, we ended up with three cubic feet of mess that ricocheted off the floor and roof, getting faster and humming greensleeves. We managed to shrink it before a prefect turned up demanding to know what was happening. Oh, the drama.
Have I got any siblings? Why, no. I have not. My parents had me late in life, and evidently did not have any more offspring. This is probably why I want a huge family when I get married. I say when, but to be honest there is only one girl I would ever marry, and she won't ever even go out with me. My life is a sob story. She'll never give me a chance, and no doubt I don't deserve one. I will never be as pure and strong and perfect as her.
What is your opinion on Dumbledore's new robes?
Awaiting your response with eager anticipation.
Yours always,
Jet.
1 Coprophilous - Having a particular interest or living in excrement.
2 Detrivore - Consumers of detritus, or a being that eats decomposing waste, e.g. worms and dung flies.
3 Aeruginous - Rusty, particularly copper rust.
4 Tortfeasance - Law breaking and wrong doing. James is a tortfeasor, because he commits many torts.
5 Hegemon - Dominating power.