7 - Debacles in retrospect.
Seventh year Herbology was, as per usual, eventful. Lily and Dorcas, the only two Gryffindor girls who took this class, trooped down to the greenhouses bright and early one Wednesday morning. Lily took a very large and inordinate amount of classes, which was unusual for a seventh year, but nobody seemed to realise this, and due to her being 'the cleverest witch in her year' the workload seemed to melt below her quill. Thus, nobody was surprised to see she and Dorcas entering the greenhouse with precisely one and a half minutes to spare.
"Shall we sit near to the door, or the other side?" Dorcas asked.
"Over there?" Lily suggested, pointing to the other side of the work benches. To her delight, she realised that Amos had also positioned himself there, and she gave him a warm smile which he returned as she sat down. One and a half minutes later, she realised her mistake as the Marauders barrelled in and took their regular seats, next to Lily and Dorcas.
"Morning Lily. Diggory." James nodded at them with a slightly mischievous grin. Lily looked away and hoped he wouldn't do anything she would regret.
"Good morning class." Professor Sprout called. "Now we are working with magical and none magical bladder campion today. If any of you make a mistake and begin to feel the effects... Well you all know where the nearest toilet is." The students listened with varying degrees of attention as she explained procedures. Lily was met by a satisfying thought as she watched James chat to Sirius out of the corner of her eye, talking about a prank, no doubt. He wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention, and consequently would clearly pay for it. On her other side, Amos sat upright, appearing to possess all the focus James lacked. Amos was such a clever Hufflepuff.
"Look at Diggory, smarming up to Evan's with that forced expression of concentration. Git. I'm going to hit him."
"No, you are not." Sirius told him in muted tones of boredom. "If you did so without an agreeably valid reason, Lily would despise you and never forgive you, and then where would you be? Just hang around patiently until she gets bored of him or he does something stupid. Or don't, you know, cos I stand to gain a lot of money if you screw up."
"Aren't breaking her heart and wasting her time agreeably good reasons?" James asked irritably. Sirius fixed him with a look and he continued, "she's a forgiving person though, at least to everyone else. Maybe it's a good thing that she treats me differently. You know, a sign that she likes me."
"Your point is valid, and yet complete rubbish. She forgives Death Eaters because they haven't been brought up properly, or have strayed down a path that's leading to their own inevitable peril and stuff. Clearly, mate, you have overstepped the mark cos you know exactly what you're doing when you mess around." James grumbled his discontent, but could not counter it. He turned to the bench, pulled his dragon hide gloves on and started moodily pulling the stamens out of the campions to check them, as Professor Sprout had instructed.
"You're right though." Sirius told James, pulling an empty jar towards him.
"About what?" James frowned. He pierced the bladder of a magical campion and squeezed the glittering yellow juice into the jar.
"He's smarming up to Evans. Man, that really does smell like pee." James's head shot round, and sure enough, Amos Diggory was leaning on the bench beside the prettified Lily Evans, barely concentrating on his work as he administered his subtle wooing.
"So how did I miss a beautiful creature like yourself these past years?"
"No one could see my innate beauty. I disguised it so people would love me for who I am, rather than my appearance. Don't touch that without a glove! Remember what professor Sprout said?"
"Of course I do, gorgeous. Gloves. Got them right here. And I want you to know, I admire every square inch of you." He leered, because he was horrid.
"Shouldn't that be cubic inch? If it's squared then that implies surface area, which means you don't like me for who I am inside."
"Whatever chick. You're just completely stunning." And at that point Lily felt a bare hand resting on her rear, which amazingly she did not object to.
James Potter did.
Sirius blinked unconcernedly at his friend, then at Lily Evan's bum, and then back at his friend.
"Well, I think that's a valid reason." He said with a shrug. James didn't need to be told twice.
THUMP.
"OW! WHA'WASSAT FOR?" Diggory cried, clutching his jaw as James stood fumingly above him.
"Get your hands of her arse, Diggory. Ladies deserve better treatment." James curled the dragon hide clad fist menacingly, muscles rigid in his fury.
"James Potter you are a prick! That was completely uncalled for! Lily gasped in shock. She helped a whining Amos to his feet, all the while wounding James with her evils.
"What on Earth is going on over there?" Professor Sprout called. "Return to your benches and get on with the work now. I don't care who started it; all three of you are going to remain silent for the rest of this lesson."
They sullenly stared at their benches, Lily feeling sad that she was in trouble, Amos feeling piteous because his face was throbbing and he couldn't chat Lily up. James wanting to hit Amos into the next year. He glared sideways at Amos, then paused.
"You don't-"
"I said silent, Mr Potter!" Amos turned slightly and stuck his tongue out smugly at James. He pulled a stamen from another campion, then froze.
"I tried to warn him, professor!" James said earnestly. Amos sprinted from the room awkwardly. He was, Lily noted, attempting to run with his upper legs clamped together.
"Yes, well, it's his fault for not listening. I said gloves. Stupid boy." she stumped off uncaring as Lily and James stared after her in surprise. Truth be told, she was a little fond of James and his fellow Marauders. The touched a note in her heart, and though, like the other teachers, she pretended not to like them, she knew it was he who had punched Diggory, and had still punished the others equally. To her mind Diggory was a right idiot and had it coming. Even though he was in her house. Even though teachers should be above such petty things as bias and favouritism.
Lily said nothing to James for the rest of the lesson, and whilst James glanced repeatedly and longingly at her, he said nothing either. James always ruined the best things for her, Lily realised. It was then that she suddenly had a flash of the past, as she remembered a hitherto forgotten event. Something of enormous, unknown significance. She remembered when he ruined potions.
Flashback
Slughorn had sat in his office late into the night, wondering.
It still evaded him. He truly had no idea what he was going to do with the sixth year potions students the next day. What to do? Maybe a take-me-to-the-future potion? Too complex, even for an advanced seventh year. Veritaserum would be too, so there would be none of the delightful confessions of love between hormone-drenched students What a loss of his morning entertainment. Love potion? Banned from Hogwarts. A body switching brew? It was just a gut feeling, but Slughorn felt that could be a bad idea. And his gut feelings were pretty good.
Slughorn sighed again, then it came to him. He'd have them all make an enlightening elixir, and then they could spend the day having epiphanies. He chortled, placed his little velvet cap on his head and went to prepare a lesson plan, including a seating arrangement.
Lily was the first in the classroom next day. She smiled at the professor cheerfully.
"Hello sir. Got something difficult planned for today?"
"Nothing you couldn't do in a trice, Lily." He chuckled, a laugh that shook through him and echoed through the classroom, bringing a bit more jollity to the dungeon room. It even caused some of the glum students to smile a little as they entered to take their seats. "Don't get too comfortable." Slughorn called. I'll be setting you to work with new partners today to stir things up a little." Everyone groaned and sat next to their friends, but didn't bother to take anything from their bags. After a long while, the Marauders were finally in the classroom, meaning the entire class was present.
To Lily's consternation she was partnered with Potter. She sat with a look of horror on her face as he bounded over to her.
"All right Evs? Let's do this thing!"
"Oh my word."
"So, Lilyflower, whatcha want me to do?"
"Oh my word..."
"I can get the ingredients, darling Evans. Shall I get the ingredients?"
"Oh my word!"
"Calm down Lilykins. I'll get the ingredients." He waltzed away to the store cupboard, as Lily sat frozen in perpetual shock.
"Dude. Why did Potter just, like, you know, do a three-step dancey thing down to the front?"
"It's a waltz, man. Look at Evans. She's totally feelin' it."
Lily realised it would be best to start unpacking her cauldron, so she slowly did. James promptly came back with the necessary ingredients.
"What do you want me to do now, Evans?"
"Just make it like it says in the book, Potter." And so together they shredded, poured and stirred, a smooth procedure, despite the apparent friction. And for a moment in the hissing steam of the potions room, there was peace. If only for a moment.
"Chop this." Lily said brusquely, sticking a fistful of Veirnem grass in front of James's face without looking at him. His eyes struggled to take in the seeded waving grass heads before him, brushing his cheek and nose.
"AACHOOOOOO!" James announced. Grass seed sprayed, along with the yellow powdered winkle shells.
"Bloody hell!" Lily turned and spat at him. "You just HAD to go and bugger it up! Why couldn't you have just taken the grass rather than sneezing all over it."
"Evans..." James began. She stared, glowering, upon noticing the worry in his voice.
"What?"
"I think we should get away from the cauldron," he told her, taking her hand and tugging her away. But Lily was transfixed, for the potion had become a vivid obnoxious green, streaked with gold, that was swirling, gaining momentum, and bulging out. There were bangs, and the pupils ducked.
"Oh 'eck." James exclaimed, looking at the mess. The powder and seeds had not only gone in their cauldrons, but the two in front as well, and the vicinity was covered in trails of glistening colour. The three potions hissed angrily where they mixed upon the floor.
"Well done, Potter. Now Slughorn is going to have to find an antidote, and goodness knows what they've done to people because the reaction between the potions shows that they are evidently different."
"Oh Merlin." James whispered, looking thoroughly shocked.
"I'm glad you're feeling guilt, Potter. You've probably caused people no end of agony-"
"Look!" James said, waving his hand.
"Oh Merlin."
"Yes! I know!"
"We're stuck together!" Lily wailed, on the verge of panicked hysteria. Slughorn hurried over.
"What did you put in the cauldron?"
"Potter sneezed! And Veirnem grass went in! Not to mention the powdered winkles. He put powdered winkles in. And his revolting snot. What if I'm stuck to him for the rest of my life? PLEASE DON'T SAY THIS IS PERMANENT?!"
"I'm so sorry, sir, it was an accident. It happened after inclusion of the snortwort roots. Can you do anything about it?"
"Well, hrmmm. Settle down please, Lily. That's right, just sit on your stool. It can be fixed, and I can make the potion, but it takes three nights to brew. Until then you'll just have to muddle through I'm afraid. Go to Dumbledore if you like - he might have some more advice." James was just about to thank him when they were distracted by Lucius Malfoy."Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Now isn't she just the cutest thing?" He cooed adoringly over a tiny little girl (Narcissa Black, James realised) who had also been hit by the potion and was transformed into an angelic child, complete with miniature Hogwarts uniform. Lucius glared at the roomful of people who were rightfully taken aback by this show of affection. "What? Look at the blonde hair... And the big blue eyes. Don't say you don't all agree!"
'I can't say anything.' Bellatrix Black furiously responded in sign language. 'The potion hit me. I have lost the ability to speak.' The tiny Narcissa giggled.
"Hewo Mista blondie! You's funny!" And Lucius melted into a sappy grin over her.
"I have an antidote to change her back immediately." Slughorn informed Lucius kindly. Lucius whipped round and glared at him too.
"A tailor-made velvet smoking jacket says you don't! With a matching tasseled cap, and a box of crystallized pineapple." Slughorn relented instantly.
"You know, I think the antidote may be a little out of date. I think I may need to make a new one. It'll take a week... er, a fortnight, and in the meantime, Mr Malfoy, I am afraid I am going to have to prevail upon you to look after the poor girl. Would this tailor-made velvet smoking jacket happen to be in aubergine?"
Lily ignored all other conversations around her, too traumatised to find interest there. In the next three days she would have lots of amusing and humiliating experiences, as the pupils of Hogwarts school gossiped over Lily and James 'holding hands', as she tried to gain privacy going to the toilet, as she showered fully-clothed and slept in the same bed as James.
James Potter ruined everything.
End Flashback.
"Apologise to poor Amos." Lily demanded as the lesson ended.
"He touched you inappropriately!" James cried gallantly. Lily rolled her eyes.
"I'm going out with him. I have no problem with that. It's you that offends me, Potter. You are the inappropriate one." She told him this in a dramatic hushed voice, and whipped around, before marching off to the castle to find Amos.
Dear Jet,
Cockroach clusters are foul. I've never thought about it before, but you're right - chocolate frogs should come in different flavours. Your anecdote about chocolate made me laugh lots. It was simply hysterically funny. It was the funniest thing I have ever heard. I cried for an hour because I was laughing so hard at your entertaining letter, and afterwards my eyeballs were bright pink.
I almost wish I was an only child. My sister won't talk to me, unless it's to tell me I'm a freak. It hurts so much, but I can cope with it because I'm fairly hardcore. I still love her. Don't worry, I bet that girl you like is really n love with you. She's probably shy or awkward, because she has low self esteem. Keep going. You're clearly meant for each other, and she's an idiot if she can't see it. Don't give up, she'll give in eventually, and then you can have the fifty odd kids that you wanted. (A/N Oh wow. The irony truly thrills.)
Encouragingly,
Emerald.