You're all so rubbish. You didn't bother leaving a single review. I just read the most appalling story, and consequently plan to up the ante in the next chapter. It made my parody look particularly unparodical and I felt dismayed. I didn't realise I was up against such stiff and serious competition.

10 - An Education In Discovery.

McGonagall found a Transfiguration tutor for Lily.

Peculiarly, she refused to tell who it was until they were in the room, standing in front of him.

"It's Mr Potter." she said, shortly.

"Yes, I can see that." Lily said, trying to keep the acid out of her voice, and the respect in. McGonagall gave her a look.

"We'll try to keep this reasonable. Miss Evans, I know you are embarrassed about needing a tutor. I don't blame you for slipping back a grade, you have a huge amount to concentrate on at the moment. You invest a lot of time and effort into your role as head girl, and what with regular nightly patrols you cannot read the extension material that would boost you into an O. You are, however, going to need to improve. Mr Potter has generously volunteered an hour a week to tutor you. He is amazing. I could wax eloquent for hours about his transfiguration skills. Anyway, you will study with him, or risk epic failure. That is all."

Lily felt like fate was forcing her and Potter together, and she couldn't understand why it would be so mean. Potter would be an insufferable git, as usual, and would get no work done and would tease her and be an idiot.

"What would you like to start on?" He asked politely.

"Erm..."

"I've drawn up a lesson plan, but we don't have to use it if you don't want. Would you like to see it? It's a review of all the topics, with focus on the advanced ones and any you find particularly difficult."

James had obviously thought this through very sensibly, and Lily was somewhat shocked. In fact, the whole thing shocked her and she wasn't quite sure what to do about it, so she went to her dormitory and put on a really pretty halter-neck top which was pink, with a really cute white mini skirt and some pumps. Then she put in earrings and a necklace and bracelet that accentuated her green eyes and perfected her tiny-but-perfect five foot three frame with-curves-in-all-the-right-places, and damn was it boring.

Lily then wrote a letter to Jet, which possessed at least a modicum of interest. She wrote of her woes about doing badly in transfiguration, how she was saddened by the persecution of muggleborns like her, and answered his questions about her hair and eye colour. This task did cheer her up - writing to Jet never felt like a school assignment. He was her confidante, her bosom friend, her rock to which she could cling. She sent the letter, and five minutes later James Potter opened it.

"Sirius?" James asked, as he sat on his bed with a plethora of letters from Emerald spread around him.

"James?"

"You know Emerald?"

"No."

"My pen pal?"

"I don't know her."

"Fine. Well, she says she has red hair and green eyes. Which girls in Hogwarts have red hair and green eyes?"

"No one much. Apart from Evinda Morleys, Brieannette Walters, Fainche Bogg, Verian Merill, Mairead Hemlock, Clarity Gartridge, Tegan Whitby, Clodagh Rantstis, Ava Mariandi, Giovanna Sirillo, Maeve Longford, Siobhan Macleod, Niamh O'Coyley... I think that's it. Oh yeah, and the head girl, Lily Evans."

"Is it entirely possible that Lily might be my pen pal? I think she is." There was a stunned silence, and then Sirius, Remus and Peter all roared with laughter. It was so virile and manly.

"Woah, James mate, I think you're getting a bit ahead of yourself there."

"I told you he would think this." Remus told them knowingly.

"Yeah, well," James replied defensively, "she has all the characteristics."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"You don't seriously think that in a school of nearly a thousand pupils, you happen to have got Lily Evans as your pen pal?"

"Yeah! It's only a seventh year project, and my partner has to be female. It's not that unlikely."

"Doesn't mean it's Evans."

"Well, who do you know who is a seventh year female Gryffindor with red hair and green eyes, who is somewhat estranged from her sister and a muggleborn? And currently failing Transfiguration? And has someone "

"Quite a few people actually."

"But none of them were dumped by their boyfriends at the same time as Amos Diggory dumped Lily!"

"Some of them were."

"Who?"

"Well... Only Clarity Gartridge actually."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. By pure coincidence she also fulfils all of the criteria previously listed."

"How come I've never noticed her in the Gryffindor common room?"

"She's a previously unnoticed background character."

"Right. So, what distinguishes her from Lily? I need a cunning test, a sly question to ask her which will show me that Emerald is Lily."

"Unless she's Clarity." Sirius reminded him.

"Why don't," Remus asked, "you ask if she's ever called James Potter an arrogant toe-rag."

"Because it's not sly and cunning?"

"It's easy." Sirius said with disdain. "Say that you, as a man, feel threatened by the looming reputation of James Potter, and ask if it is true that every girl fancies him. Only Evans would say no."

"And get his heart broken?" Remus asked sharply. "Highly amusing until he decides to drink away his sorrows, and we have to clear up the vomit. Besides, the girl may be very tactful, and lie to make him feel happy."

"Which would make me very unhappy."

"Precisely."

"Fine then. Ask if she's ever considered James Potter a worse alternative to the giant squid. Everyone knows girls hate giant squids." Sirius said, affecting a moody and bored demeanour, as he was wont to do.

"Brilliant! I'll do so right away!"

Lily was, by good fortune, staring into space and doing very little when the letter arrived. Hence, when the letter arrived with an odd question about the giant squid, she answered it immediately.

My Dear Jet,

Thanks for writing back pronto! Since the two of us are so close and everything, even only through the medium of paper and ink, I don't mind telling you all this. The giant squid is little more than a large and interesting cephalopod to me. Admittedly it adds yet another quirky element of style to our fantastic school. James Potter I cannot stand. The girls of this school dote upon him (did you know he has a fan club? He's enough of a 'star' to be invited onto a celebrity Big Brother) and yet I do not. You know, I swear he set the past few years of his life aside specially to irritate me. He waltzes around this school, posing and preening and poking fun at people. He is an arrogant toe-rag, and a big bully. So yes, I place him somewhat lower in my estimation than the squid. Recently, he's been better.

Yours,

Emerald.

The Marauders stood around James as he read the letter aloud.

"I think it might actually be her." Remus said musingly. "Well, here's your chance to either make it or break it. Convince her to love you, or make her despise you."

James slumped on the floor, drained and unsure whether to be dismayed or elated. He would, by pure and utter coincidence, be paired with the devastating Lily Evans, wouldn't he?