Chapter 8 – Missing in Action

John tightly gripped the edges of the podium as he looked around at the crowd of people in front of him. Many were gazing down at the ground or their hands, but some met his eyes.

He steeled himself and willed his strength to his voice, so that it would not waver or shake as he started to speak into the microphone.

"Dr Rodney McKay was a difficult man to get along with. Self admittedly petty, arrogant and bad with people."

The people who had not been looking at John were now gazing at him in shock. Their wide and questioning eyes meeting his.

John was glad for the reaction; it was certainly much better than the stunned shock over what had happened. He forced himself to carry on, knowing that he still had a lot he needed to say.

"It's been over a month since he disappeared and as difficult as it is for me to admit; I think that it's time we laid aside our hope and started to grieve. He is now lost to us. We will never know what happened to him or where he is. He could be alive and trapped or he may even be dead.

"I believe that not knowing where he is or exactly what happened to him should be a source of comfort for us. He may be gone forever. Then again he could come back to us tomorrow."

The silence in the hall was only broken by quiet shuffling sounds and sighing. The air felt heavy to John, like it was compressing him inwards and making it hard to breathe.

The scientists sat huddled closely together, using their collective respect of the one for whom they were holding the memorial service as a source of strength. John thought it looked like everyone on Atlantis had turned up and all the chairs they had laid out were occupied. Latecomers were standing at the back of the room.

John spotted Dr Zelenka in the centre of the largest concentration of civilians. He was avidly glaring at the back of the person's head in front of him. John thought that out of all the scientists, due to Radek's close working relationship with Rodney, he would probably be the one most affected by his disappearance.

The scientist was hiding his feelings well, but John reasoned that Radek probably felt anger at himself for not being able to do more to get Rodney back. John thought maybe he should be feeling angry with Zelenka too for not doing anything to help, but he did not seem to be able to feel anything at all these days. Not anymore. His loss had left a numb and empty Rodney McKay-sized hole somewhere inside him, that he knew would never be filled by anyone else ever again.

"When Rodney came to Atlantis he was abrasive and rude and quite frankly I was unsure what to make of him at first. But he quickly proved that actions speak louder than words with his acts of selfless heroism and the way he always managed to save our lives at the eleventh hour; even when all hope seemed to be lost.

"We always pushed Rodney and weighed down the burden of responsibility on his shoulders so heavily that it would've broken a lesser man long ago. We pushed him to achieve the impossible and he always delivered. I firmly believe his reputation for arrogance was rightly deserved and justified."

"I'd like to think that he'd finally found a home here among friends." John gestured with one of his hands around at all the people gathered. He then lowered it to grip the podium again.

"It took a while, but McKay finally let his guard down a little when he realised that he was liked despite his tendency towards stubbornness and irritability.

"In the years he spent here he really began to open up to the people around him; forging relationships he never knew or believed he could." John briefly glanced at Jennifer in the front row and she gave him a brave but very small smile in acknowledgment before looking away once more.

"It is with great sadness that Rodney McKay's life has come to this and that there can be no closure."

John looked at Jennifer again and furrowed his brow as she looked down and he saw tears had now started to track silently down her cheeks. Teyla had her arm around Jennifer's shoulders and her own face was set in a hard line of stoicism which looked almost stern and angry to John.

Ronon was gazing off to the side with a neutral expression. As John paused in his speech for a few seconds and gathered his thoughts he thought he could see a flicker of emotion somewhere behind the Satedan's eyes.

"Rodney was a man who ruffled feathers and upset people. But he ultimately brought out the best in everyone and only ever thought about the greater good. His heart was always in the right place.

"Rodney was an honest man, perhaps a little too much at times, but he never hid anything from us. He was a man unafraid to tell it like it is. When it came down to it you always knew where you stood with McKay and that is a quality worthy of praise for everyone on this expedition."

John gazed down at his hands still gripping the podium before him. He saw the whiteness of his knuckles and felt an ache in the tiny muscles of his fingers. He released a deep sigh away from the microphone and suddenly snapped his head up to meet the shining eyes of the crowd as they all looked at him in sympathy and sadness.

John steeled himself and willed his heart not to break as he announced loudly, "To Rodney McKay, a trying man, but an honest and brave one and the best friend I ever had."

Teyla squeezed Jennifer's shoulders tightly with her arm to comfort her in understanding. Jennifer's face was shining with tears and she blinked slowly. John thought she looked utterly lost like the one she cried for and he knew that she might very well be inconsolable in her loss.

A small voice suddenly spoke from the back of the room and John looked over the heads of the people in front of him to find its origin.

"J-J-John?" The voice stammered.

All the people in the room swivelled in their chairs, except for Jennifer who was hunched over with both hands covering her face, while Teyla rubbed her back and pursed her lips.

"Wh-what's going on?" The voice asked in a deeply hurt tone.

There was a collective intake of breath from the gathered crowd and John also gasped in shock. For at the back of the room, Rodney McKay himself had just burst into his own memorial service. He looked at the gathered crowd with wide eyes before returning his attention to John on the podium.

Sheppard breathed, "McKay…"

"What's going on?" Rodney asked again a little louder.

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John woke up with a start like he had heard the voice out loud, shouted into his ear while he slept.

He lay back on his pillow with a tired and shaky sigh. Now he knew for sure; McKay was alive they just could not see him. It felt like his spirit was in the room, hidden but reaching out to the people of Atlantis as he stayed out of phase with normal time; lost somewhere in the void.

An empty coffin and a silent photo the only reminders that he was still missing. John would never give up hope and let it come down to that. He could still taste the salty tears and feel the quiet sadness of the people in the hall in the dream like they had been real.

He looked around in the dark of his quarters, not seeing anything with his eyes, but he could feel a presence. Whether it was because of the dream and he was somehow still at the memorial service as a little of it was leeching into reality, he was unsure.

It had only been a week since McKay had disappeared without a trace. In the darkness, John's words from the lab just before Rodney vanished and the last time he had been with the scientist echoed in his mind. "Wouldn't be much point in carrying on if you flake out again, McKay."

He knew he had failed Rodney. He blamed himself for taunting his friend with the device which had resulted in stranding him, who knew where, possibly forever.

John thought that it was far too soon for a memorial service. He believed that Rodney was still out there somewhere, but simply could not ask for their help.

How long would they wait before starting to abandon hope? Would they ever hold a memorial service? It would be the ultimate resignation that they had given up on Rodney and abandoned him to his fate. Or keep on searching indefinitely?

They were difficult and painful questions for John, but necessary ones. The other people on the base had started to rally around him during the day as their missing chief scientist remained lost to them. He also knew that everyone would be looking to him to make the final decision, as Rodney's friend, of when they should stop looking for him and give up on trying to find a solution.

Jeannie was still thousands of light years away on Earth. John had left Woolsey to tell her about her brother's disappearance and that they were all doing everything in their power to bring him back. John knew that he should have done it himself, but that would have made the situation far too real for him and he could not bring himself to do it. If they ever did give up on McKay, he would definitely make that call.

Maybe it would have been better for Rodney to be very definitely and utterly dead. For there to be a body or some kind of proof of his passing. But there was nothing. No word at all and the uncertainty was driving everyone mad.

The idea that he may be trapped in some kind of hellish alternate reality only intensified the emotions over his mysterious disappearance. Many people had already shown signs of strain under the ever wearing and present burden of the loss of their Chief Science Officer.

The city just did not feel the same without McKay. It was like there was something wrong with the whole picture, but nobody could quite put their finger on it. People from the expedition had died before, but never had everyone been affected so profoundly.

John pressed the backs of his hands against his eyes until he saw bright lights swirling in the darkness.

He had tried to carry on as normal and rescue some of the team dynamic in a desperate effort to restore some of what he had lost, but it was hopeless. The sarcastic replies were missing, which left a gaping hole in John and a sense that the world was not right without it.

His own sarcasm went over the heads of everyone with no reply or scathing comment in echo. The silence was unsettling and felt just plain wrong to him. Teyla and Ronon did not understand the Earth references and Teyla always took everything at face value in absolute seriousness.

John grimaced as his thoughts spun around and settled back on McKay and the circumstances of his disappearance.

He could be trapped in a place where a single second of real time could stretch out forever. A million eternities could already have gone by for McKay while they were helpless to rescue him. If they ever managed to get him back; would he be the same again or mad through loneliness like the people he said he had met?

In the silence of the darkness, John swore a solemn vow to himself. He was not ready to give up on McKay yet and would get him back no matter what it took.

He knew he needed to speak to Jennifer and felt guilty that he had not done so already. If anyone else could understand his acute grief and frustration, she would. They both shared a bond with McKay, one deeper than friendship.

Due to his unique trip into an alternate future, John knew that Jennifer felt something more, or at least she would eventually come to feel it even if she did not now. The timeline had been very different, but he knew that some things were happening regardless.

John had taken his team to the planet in Janus' database. He remembered it like he was still there. The sharpness of the cold winds and the crushing grief and hopelessness he had felt as they wandered around looking for any clues as to why it had been mentioned in the database.

There was nothing there. Not even any signs that it had been a Wraith outpost. There had been a few scattered villages near the Gate, but no power sources or structures which looked like Ancient labs or research facilities. He had even taken a Jumper out and scanned the entire planet for hours on end looking for something, anything that would provide some answers.

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John tossed and turned for what felt like hours stretching out into infinity as he tried to get back to sleep. He sighed and thumped down heavily on his back and looked up at the ceiling.

He lay like that for a very long time just staring and staring into the darkness. As he was considering rolling over onto his side for another attempt at falling asleep, the intercom in his room activated.

"Dr Zelenka to Colonel Sheppard."

John quickly reached across to the table by his bed and clipped his headset on. "This is Sheppard, go ahead."

"You could not sleep either Colonel?"

John smiled a little, "Guilty as charged."

"I know; it is difficult. Especially since…" Radek's voice trailed off before he carried on, "I have found something. If you are able, please come to the lab."

John nearly fell out of his bed in his haste to stand up. His efforts to find a comfortable position had left the covers impossibly tangled in his legs and he kicked them savagely as he replied, "I'm on my way."

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John ran down the corridor on his way to the science lab. Just before he reached the door, he stopped and took a couple of deep breaths to compose himself.

Satisfied that he now could speak if necessary, he walked through the door.

Radek was hunched over a laptop with his elbow on the table and his head resting in one of his hands. His glasses were slightly askew, but his face was shining in eagerness even through the tired lines.

"So Radek, what's so important at this unearthly hour of 4am? Shouldn't you be asleep like everyone else?"

Zelenka jumped at John's voice and lifted his head up as he lowered his arm. "I cannot sleep. I am not going to give up on Rodney until we are sure about what happened to him."

John felt the same way, but did not like the idea of Radek working himself to death. He opened his mouth to speak, but Zelenka beat him to it and held up a finger in a pose reminiscent of another scientist who had once hounded and berated his colleagues in the very same area where they were.

"Do not speak. I will keep on working and waiting until I am convinced there is nothing more I can do."

John nodded in understanding and asked, "So what did you find?"

Radek reached into his pocket and drew out an ammo clip. He very significantly placed it in the centre of the table and stared at it as he spoke. "I heard a noise in the corridor. It is unusual this late at night, so I went to investigate. I found that on the floor," he gestured at the ammo.

He spun around back to the laptop, "I need you to watch this. I need to be sure of what I saw."

John frowned in confusion as he peered over Radek's shoulder at the screen. The scientist had a video feed from the corridor on the screen and hit play before leaning back in his seat and folding his arms.

Nothing happened for a long time and John was considering telling Radek in sarcasm that all the late nights had finally driven him crazy. Suddenly a man appeared out of thin air in the corridor. His face was unmistakable.

"Rodney?" John asked.

Radek nodded as they continued to watch and saw McKay throwing the ammo across the corridor. The man on the screen glanced down at his watch and they saw his body visibly jump in shock and then tense up, "Three weeks?!"

Rodney looked up and started to walk along the corridor. As he approached the lab, his image wavered and then he vanished from the video.

John felt the fire of hope in his heart rekindle at what he had just witnessed and he grinned. He now had the proof he needed that Rodney was still alive and not giving up as he tried to find his way back to them.

Radek paused the video and turned to John, "You remember what I told you about the radiation we saw with the scanner?"

"Yes, it permeates subspace and is absorbed by the ring around McKay's neck."

"And by his whole body."

John narrowed his eyes as he tried to recall the things he had been told over the past week. "It was disrupted by the scanner and made his nose bleed and gave him a really bad headache."

Zelenka nodded sadly and said, "Yes. I believe it absorbed some of the radiation in an unpredictable manner. This disruption caused the pain Rodney felt just before his collapse."

John frowned as he thought about it for a few minutes.

Radek tapped on his computer and scrolled though a few screens before pausing on a code he was working on.

"So, why did it take a while for him to phase out completely? Why wasn't it instant?"

Radek turned his head and looked at John. "That is the question, Colonel, I have been trying to answer for a week now. I believe the radiation is not only drawn around whoever is wearing device, but collects over them. Over time as its concentration increases, so too do the time phases."

"So, it may not be too late to bring him back if we can find a way to remove the device?" John's heart rose even higher in hope and he asked quietly, "Is that why you called me? Have you found a way?"

Radek let out a long and sad sigh, "I am afraid not, Colonel."

"Oh."

"I believe that I may have found a way to block the radiation so that it will not harm Rodney and we can bring him back."

John heard a slightly dejected tone in Radek's voice and asked, "What's the catch?"

Radek seemed to be startled that he had been found out and he shook his head slowly. "I will need to interface the scanner with a ZPM, but it will drain the power very quickly. We need to affect a layer of subspace and that is very taxing. We will only be able to keep it active for a few hours at most."

John furrowed his brow and then asked, "What about the others trapped with him? Will they also be pulled back into normal time?"

Radek frowned while he thought and then said, "It may not be too late to bring Rodney back, but the others have probably been out of time for too long and will have gathered too much radiation. As it is, we will only be able to keep Rodney anchored in real time for a short while. He may not even be able to stay with us for all that time as he could have already drawn too much of the radiation around himself."

John nodded as Radek turned back to the laptop and continued rapidly typing on the keyboard.

"And it will affect the whole of subspace?" John asked.

"Yes. I believe if we go back to the planet, we may be able to get some answers. With Rodney's help we may find a way to remove the device."

John gestured down at the code Radek was working on on his laptop and asked, "Can you be sure about this?"

Zelenka looked up from the screen and gazed at the wall opposite, deep in thought. At length he answered slowly, "No. It might not even work at all."

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TBC