I've been trapped for what feels like forever now. I feel sick inside. No, maybe that's just Xana. I'm not coming out of my room. Nothing, nobody, can make me come out of my room. They all knock on the door, but I stay completely silent. I won't talk.
I can't talk.
Something...overwhelmed me. Maybe I'm just hopeless. I can hear them, every time Xana forces me to go...I can hear their voices over me, around me, sometimes below me... and my so-called friends taunt me. What the hell?!
I'm losing 'sleep' over this shit. Why would they turn around and gouge me in the back of their own free will? I can't break free from Xana, no matter how much or how hard I try. I can't slip away, I can't maintain my own free will.
Oh my God, someone kill me please.
...Would it be better than remaining here where I have no freedom whatsoever? I suppose so. Being dead, maybe I'd get a little more RESPECT. All my flowers would arrive, too late. People would say nice things about me, even if they can't find any-they'll make some up. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to have my grave robbed. I want attention.
Give me attention and I won't do stuff to get attention. I'm afraid of it, and yet...I'm addicted. It's like some sort of drug. Maybe I'm just afraid of the consequences...but someone should tell that to my big mouth. I'm always saying the wrong things at the wrong times. Maybe that's why Yumi and Ulrich hate me.
...
Maybe I should take some social skills classes. But it won't ever get Yumi to like me back. Maybe I should just give up on her, then. She belongs to Ulrich. But...always, always, always, I find myself coming back to her. I don't know why I come back. Maybe she's just a...a mother figure to me. I don't know why, nobody else knows why. I should ask a counselor.
If I get out of here alive that is. I'm pretty sure they'll get tired of trying to save me and reason I'd rather die than be Xana's slave. Then they'll pull the plug on me and I'll die with Xana, forever Xana.
I'm so scared now.
I'm pulling my knees closer to my chest. I don't want to stay with Xana, no, not him... My heart is screaming, my body aches, my brain is dissolving inside of my head... I can't handle this much longer.
I softly whimper, burying my head in my knees. I can't-think-straight-I can't-I can't-I can't-but...me...better off, if this fight sets me free...my heart is torn in two, how much longer can this last? A-
No, don't you dare come any closer. Get away from me! GET AWAY FROM ME! I SAID, GET AWAY FROM ME! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!
I can't do anything in here. I can't even talk. I can't talk, for people who won't hear.
Haah. I think I'm beginning to lose it. Aaaaargh. I'm getting another headache. The Scyphozoa's getting a little too friendly. It won't listen to me, no of course not. It's not any different from school.
At school, well...I was never brave there, either. Couldn't make a stand for anything. Had to pretend not to be afraid in the face of the faculty. I'm so lame...hahaha...
It feels like a giant stone is sitting in my stomach, waiting for me to vomit it up, but I can't do it...I can't breathe! I CAN'T BREATHE! I hate it here! I want to go home... ...but...how is home any different than here?
God, someone give me the answers, please!
SOMEONE GIVE ME ANSWERS!
And so the descent into hopelessness begins...