A/N: Sorry for the long delay, but school can just be a bitch sometimes. Anyway, I've had a few questions about whether I'm going to make this a Sanji x Zoro or not. The answer is: Kind of. I know, it's a rather crappy answer really, but what I mean is that it's not a full blown SxZ. More situational than descriptive, if you get what I mean. Ah, you'll see. Anyway, enjoy!!
Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece. I wish I did, but, then again, Eiichiro Oda wouldn't be my God if that was true, now would he?
Rating: PG-13
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The Boys Will Play
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Anyone who knew the musical skeleton really could've guessed what his particular idea was going to be. Yet, ignorant and overly excited, the men of the Strawhat crew seemed to blow the idea right over their heads. Heads nodding to each other in excitement, smiles wide, eyes watching Brooke closely with fascination and anticipation, they waited as Brooke set his tea cup down gently. The only sound seemed to be the soft clinking of the cup on its plate.
And then …
"Panty raid!"
Brooke cried it with such enthusiasm that it startled everyone before they had a chance to register completely what the perverted old skeleton man was saying.
"Panty raid?" Luffy questioned, first to regain his composure and vocal usage, "Why the Hell would --"
But was cut off by Sanji ecstatically declaring, "Panty raid!"
"Ah, you gotta be kidding, Brooke," Usopp said, exasperated, "A panty raid? You couldn't think of something more, um, normal to do?"
"Normal for him, I'm sure," Franky responded to Usopp, giving Brooke a slight glare, but not totally dismissing the idea.
"I-I don't know about this, guys," Chopper murmured quietly, not wanting to be singled out, but not really grasping the whole concept of a "panty raid." And yet, from the way his nakama were discussing it, he didn't really want to know.
"That's completely stupid," Zoro added, not really shocked about Brooke's revelation.
"Yohoho!! Come now, Zoro," Brooke tried to reason with him, "You don't want to see a few choice panties?" Giving him a few quick elbow nudges in the processing, Brooke concluded that Zoro wasn't taking the bait and moved on to Luffy instead. Surely if Luffy would do it than everyone would.
"Captain," Brooke began, leaning closer to Luffy, "This could be a great adventure." He emphasized the last word; not really knowing where he was going with that particular sentence, he thought the promise of something exciting would be sure to get his captain pumped.
"Adventure?" Luffy questioned, looking a bit more willing to hear Brooke out.
"Indeed! Think of the fun we'll have moving silently in the night, crawling into buildings, sneaking around trying not to get caught."
As Brooke continued to elaborate, he noticed his captain's enthusiasm becoming more and more heightened. He opted to neglect the mention of their particular goal in all this, namely, raiding houses in search of women's underwear, for fear that Luffy would be turned off by the whole thing. Their captain was simple like that.
"Ooh! Ooh!! Let's go!! Come on!" Luffy cheered, pumping his fists in the air and adrenaline almost sending him off the ship before any of his nakama came to join him.
"Not so fast," Usopp piped in, a stern look on his face, "I think we should all have to agree on this."
"Nuh-uh! Captain's orders!!" Luffy proclaimed, still blissfully unaware of what was really going on.
"What," Sanji began, turning to Usopp with a smug look on his face, "are you gay?"
"N-n-no!!" Usopp screeched, face turning an uncomfortable shade of red. "W-why would you t-think that?!" At this last statement, Usopp's voice had become so high pitched that it was barely audible.
"Well, what's the problem then?" Sanji continued to prod.
"What the Hell is wrong with being gay?" Zoro asked Sanji, much too defensive for his own good.
"Well, I mean, nothing," Sanji stuttered, not sure how to counteract Zoro's rage, "Why? Are you gay?!"
"No!" Zoro responded, embarrassed.
It wasn't long before Zoro, Sanji, and Usopp's faces had taken on a noticeable blush, leaving the rest of the crew to just stare at them and make their own accusations.
"Whatever," Franky spoke up, deciding he liked Brooke's idea enough to go have a little fun, "Let's just go."
"Right!" Sanji and Usopp yelped, righting themselves and erasing the blushes off their faces almost immediately. Zoro, on the other hand, was still reluctant. It wasn't until Luffy had him tucked nicely under his arm, legs kicking up and down along the boat and eventually land fall, that the men began their boy's night out.
-xox-
It had taken about ten minutes to shut Zoro up. Apparently, when he didn't want to do something, he didn't want to do something. The only path to be taken was to tie Zoro's own bandana around his mouth, leaving only the death glare behind. But they'd be damned if they were going to let the irritable swordsman ruin their fun night.
"Now," Brooke explained to a complacent crowd, "I will demonstrate the "art" of panty raiding." Removing one of his arms, Brooke used this as a pointer stick of sorts to demonstrate, with the posters he had made in the few minutes while trying to get Zoro to simmer down, the proper way to raid panties.
Sitting on the ground like proper little school boys, using Zoro as a bench so he couldn't squirm away, the men of the Strawhat's watched as Brooke flipped to his first picture: A man wandering outside a darkened house at night.
"You'll see from the picture," Brooke began, clearing his throat before hand, "That the best way to initiate the proper panty raid is to do so in the dark. Notice how the man in the picture is being cautious and examining his surroundings lest another fellow raider of panties has already entered the vicinity."
While some of the crew nodded their heads in acknowledgement (some even giving a few "Mm-hmm's") and Usopp wrote everything word-for-word in his notebook he simply needed to make sure he panty raid to the best of his ability, Luffy raised his hand high in the air, wiggling it about.
"Yes, Luffy?" Brooke asked, pointing his disembodied arm at the boy, "Did you have a question?"
"Yeah," Luffy answered, setting his hand down, "What happens if you do run into another panty raider?"
"Then you kill them and bury them in the backyard. Moving on," Brooke continued, flipping the posters and ignoring the incredulous stares from his crew mates, "The next step is to find the proper window to enter in."
"Window? Why can't we just use the door?"
"Because, idiot," Sanji responded, answering Luffy's question, "It's not very normal to knock on someone's door and say, "Can I see your underwear, miss?""
"Right," Brooke concluded taking his explanation back, "So, we find the right window to enter in."
"Can I just stretch up there?"
"No, it must be more cunning."
"Aww, man," Luffy pouted, snapping his fingers and looking dejectedly off to the side.
"The proper window is most always located in one of the highest rooms of the building."
"How do you figure?" Franky asked, raising his hand in the air slightly.
"The most beautiful of beauties are put on the top floor in order for the men who hide in the bushes to brush up on their binocular and trampoline skills."
"What do binoculars and trampolines have to do with all this?" Chopper asked, completely lost.
"You don't want to know," Zoro sighed, finally able to twist his face out of his own bandana and succumb to defeat.
"Now," Brooke continued, flipping the poster, "Once you have found the proper entrance, your duty is to sneak in as quietly as possible and locate the underwear drawer. Once you have found that," he continued, flipping another poster, "pick out your favorite pair."
"What if we don't like any of the underwear?" Usopp asked, putting his pencil in the ready stance.
"The question is, what if you don't not like all of the underwear?!" Brooke responded, yohoho-ing when he finished.
"Hmm, a decent point," Usopp whispered back, erasing the question from his paper.
"Ok, so what if we go in the wrong room?" Luffy prodded, raising his hand high once more.
"Then you have failed and must jump from that window," Brooke stated, his voice calm as could be.
"Once you have located your favorite pair, and only one, we don't want to be too greedy, have fun with it!" Flipping yet another poster, Brooke explained the simplistic drawings, "Put it on your head as a hat, hang it from the ceiling fan, smell it, wear it as your own, imagine what it would look like on its owner, write it down in your panty journal, make a collage of it, write a sweet limerick about it, pretend that it's alive, put it in another drawer and imagine the fun the young woman will have trying to find it in the morning, or you could simply stuff it in your pants and run away with it."
Sanji sat smiling, arms crossed in satisfaction. Franky looked slightly disgusted by all the uses of panties could bring, but thought that trying on women's underwear might be kinda fun. Chopper, on the other hand, still had no idea what to do, while Usopp tried to compile all his notes in order to remember all the valuable information he had just received. Luffy was busy flipping through the posters, trying for the life of him to remember what he was suppose to do first, and Zoro was merely along for the ride.
-xox-
"Oh!! Look how beautiful this place is, Robin!" Nami squealed, yanking Robin quickly through the halls and into the room that they had rented. "These beds are amazing!" she concluded, flopping down on one of them.
"Indeed," Robin agreed, laughing happily, "It's a shame we had to trick the boys like that."
"I guess," Nami sighed crossing her arms, "But they're all just barbaric animals sometimes. It's nice to get away from that, you know?"
"Hm, men," Robin said bluntly, smiling.
"Men is right!" Nami laughed, "Now, let's go check out that spa!"
-xox-
"I will go first," is what Brooke had said when they had located the proper house suitable for panty raiding.
And after squirming awkwardly up the building, having to fight off a few birds nesting in a tree off to the side of the house, and fighting intensely with the window, Brooke was finally able to squirm his way in.
The room was dark … too dark.
Brooke thought that maybe he should have tried the room with more moonlight shining in, but it was too late to turn back now. Besides, he could make out the bed, the closet, and the dresser, so life was still good.
Tip-toeing over to where he believed the panties to be stashed, Brooke opened the door slowly. If he was able to produce sweat, it would have been dripping down his skin at the current moment. Hand steady, fingers braced tightly around the handle, Brooke yanked the drawer door open quickly to reveal … nothing.
It was completely empty.
"Yo-ho?" was the only noise Brooke made when he tried another drawer door.
"Ho?!" And another.
"HO?!" Empty.
Running loudly over to the bed, Brooke was shocked to find that there was no one in it. No, Brooke had failed to pick the correct room and was now stuck in a completely empty room with no clothes, not even one sock, in sight.
-xox-
"I don't know," Franky whispered, trying to see Brooke through the darkness, "Maybe he got lost."
"In a bedroom?" Zoro asked skeptically, "He's probably just enjoying himself too much."
"Well, he better hurry up, 'cause I want a damn turn," Sanji hissed, the smoke from his cigarette escaping from his angry frown.
Suddenly, when no one would have even expected it, the men heard a noise coming from the inside of the house.
"Did that dummy get caught?" Usopp asked, turning his attention to the window.
All the men, now facing the window, readied their weapons and got into fighting position. However, when a tall, boney thing with an afro came flying out of the window and landed on his head with a crunch screaming, "I failed!", they looked pitifully at their fallen nakama and sighed heavily.
"Oi."
"And here I thought he was the master," Franky commented, aiding his fellow crew members in pulling Brooke's head out of the ground.
-xox-
After explaining that the whole event that had just occurred was him demonstrating the incorrect way to panty raid, Brooke calmed down enough to instruct an extremely nervous Usopp about the correct window to enter through.
"I don't think I'm ready," Usopp's voice shook, desperately paging through his notes to no avail, "Can't Luffy go first or something?"
"No," Brooke was firm, "I have decided that you must take on this task."
"Oh, man," Usopp cried, placing his notes orderly in his bag, "Here's goes nothing."
"Go for it, Usopp!" Luffy cheered, whistling.
"Yay! Usopp! You're my hero!" Chopper joined in, encouraging the boy.
"You're right! I can do it!!" Determination renewed, Usopp located a ladder lying haphazardly next to a shed and propped it up against the building, making sure to level it up with the window.
"He's a goner," Sanji commented as he watched Usopp give a victorious peace sign and then proceed to climb said ladder.
"I give him a minute," Franky added, ignoring the cheers from Luffy and Chopper.
"I give him until he gets to the top of the ladder," Zoro said, trying to peer through the darkness in order to see Usopp more clearly.
The three nodded in agreement as Brooke tried desperately to shut up Luffy and Chopper before they ultimately woke the residents of the house.
-xox-
When he reached the top of the ladder, Usopp gazed down upon his nakama and gave a solid thumbs up. He was going to do this; he was brave, damn it! A pair of panties didn't scare him.
Walking quietly into the room, the floor boards creaked slightly under his feet. Shushing his feet with a quick glare, he looked up quickly when he heard sighing in front of him. Eyes adjusting to the darkness, Usopp spotted the bed. And, in that bed, he saw the covers moving up and down, symbolizing that someone was breathing.
Smirking happily to himself, this was proving to be easier than he thought it was going to be. Sneaking quietly over to the dresser, Usopp's blood suddenly froze when he heard an irritated, "Meow," off to his right. Glancing over his shoulder, Usopp was horrified to find a large cat staring at him through the darkness.
"Shoo," Usopp whispered harshly, waving his hands quickly at the cat.
The cat, however, just continued to glare at the intruder, opening his mouth slowly while giving off agitated rumbling sounds that only cats seem to be able to make.
Mind quickly flashing back to a time when a rooster had foiled all of his plans and prevented him from making a hasty retreat from one of the CP9 agents and rescuing Robin, Usopp's heart began to beat erratically.
He knew he had to get that thing out of this room!
Looking around, in the foreign domain of this particular bedroom, he was hopeless. But then, a single glimmer of hope!
-xox-
"Yeah, I'm surprised he made it too."
"Think he's gonna be alright?"
"Well, one would assume unless he passed out in there."
"I'm hungry …"
And as the men were talking amongst themselves, they heard a rather dull clatter coming from the room Usopp had entered. Quickly turning themselves towards the window, waiting to see if Usopp would follow Brooke's example and jump out the window, a cat came soaring through the tiny space and into the night sky.
"Hmm. Now there's something you don't see every day."
-xox-
Cackling to himself in pure success, Usopp, once again, went on his way in trying to locate the correct dresser drawer. The first one he opened held only soaks. Twitching his eyebrows quickly, Usopp opened another but found only a drawer full of pens, pencils, and other useless trinkets. Finally, opening his third drawer door, Usopp hit the jackpot.
Women's underwear.
Or … at least he thought it was woman's underwear. Cocking his head to the side, Usopp lifted the top pair and held it in front of his face. It was larger than he expected it to be and not much fun to look at. But then he got it: Granny panties.
Face distorted in a disgusted and sick way, Usopp immediately dropped the underwear and crept over to the bed to see if he was correct.
And indeed he was.
Lying in bed was a sweet, little, old granny. Not one to particularly dislike the older generation, Usopp was more than irritated that his first panty raiding experience had been a complete let down.
So, trudging disappointedly towards the window, and stopping to cringe at the undergarments along the way, Usopp starting making his way down the ladder. Sadly for him, one of the legs broke and caused him to go careening to the ground in much the same fashion Brooke had.
"You failed too, huh?" Brooke whispered, lowering his head close to Usopp's in order to discuss their losses.
"You could say that," Usopp replied in his normal tone, completely creeped out by the whole experience.
-xox-
Everyone else who tried seemed to fail in much the same fashion. Either it was a young child's room they had accidentally snuck into, or it was empty, or it belonged to a man instead.
So now, more dejected than they had been when they had been left on the Thousand Sunny, the men of the Strawhat crew stood around discussing what to do.
-xox-
"That sucked," Franky raged, letting off his anger after entering a young child's room and scarring the poor child out of his mind after he was convinced that Franky was a monster from under the bed, "It was so totally not super!"
"That wasn't an adventure at all!" Luffy pouted after being scorned by his crew for grabbing a sock instead of a pair of panties.
"This idea had never failed do epically!" Brooke added, shaking his head, "It must just be you guys."
"Well, I gotta see some underwear!" Sanji demanded after having entered an abandoned building that housed only gigantic spiders in its drawers.
"Suck it up," Zoro responded, hands on his hips.
"Meh," Sanji breathed, taking a drag of his third cigarette that evening. Looking around, he tried to think of some way to make Brooke's idea not a total disaster.
And then an idea sparked in his mind. Well, if he couldn't look at some women's panties, he'd just have to look at some good ol' fashion …
"What the Hell are you doing?" Zoro screamed as his pants were suddenly out enough for Sanji to get a good look down his front.
… men's boxers.
"Wow, Zoro," Sanji added, grabbing the pants with both hands now to get a better look. And then realized, he was actually liking what he was seeing. How unforeseen!
Totally unaware that he was being stared at, Sanji released Zoro's pants back to his prying hands and started whistling a little tune as went to stand, once again, beside Luffy and Usopp and wait for what they were going to do next.
And the crew continued to stare at him a bit longer before all heads turned to Zoro, curious. Zoro merely blushed angrily and fixed his pants under his haramaki.
"Stupid perverted love cook."
-xox-
Contrary to how Zoro thought this plan was going to wrap up, Luffy piped in and declare that their swordsman hadn't gotten a turn yet.
Trying to fight it once more, the men wondered how, exactly, they were going to be able to include Zoro in all this.
But Luffy, quick to think of an idea, attached himself around Zoro's back and immediately fashioned his arms to Zoro's and his legs to Zoro's as well. Thus, giving him the ability to control Zoro's every move.
After screams of death threats and other obscenities flew through the air, Luffy had managed to shut Zoro up just enough to get him to climb up a building, through a window, and into a bedroom.
Unfortunately, the young woman whose room they had entered was currently coming back from the bathroom and immediately screamed when she saw two men, one curled around the other, standing awkwardly in her bedroom.
Scrambling down the building and taking off in an awkward haste after his feet hit the floor, Zoro ran, seething, from the house and back towards the ship.
The rest of the crew followed the sound of their swordsman's thundering footsteps and their captain's uproarious laughter the whole way.
-xox-
"That was awful," Zoro growled, infuriated and embarrassed.
Luffy merely clapped his hands together excitedly after releasing himself from his first mate's back.
"Whatever, you big baby, it's over now," Sanji laughed, giving Zoro a pat on the back.
"But now what are we going to do?" Chopper asked, hoping against all hope that the next idea would be something much more fun and extremely easier to understand.
"I'm too tired to think of anything right now," Usopp commented, catching his breath as he plopped down on the couch.
"Hahaha! Too fun!" Franky laughed, drinking a cola, "Did you see the way that girl's face looked when she ran to the window and saw how many people were standing in her yard? Man, it reminds me of this one time when I went up to Baka-burg and was like --"
"It was such a great idea too," Brooke interrupted, saddened by the fact that his idea didn't go the way he planned.
"So, anyone got any good ideas?" Sanji questioned, ready for more of night's exciting activities.
The crew was silent for a while, brows drawn in a thinking pose and hands stroking chins. But, then a voice, "I've got it!" Chopper screamed happily, eyes wide with the prospect of the new activity he had planned.
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End of Chapter Two
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A/N: Man, those Strawhat men are so just so perverted. Next, we have Chopper's idea! Again, sorry for the wait, but thank you so much for reading. As always, reviews are greatly appreciated, and I hope you enjoyed it!!