Breaking Point

Edmund and Saedra froze, too surprised to even let go of each other's hand. Lucy strode over to them, cold fury mixed with shock on her face.

"Do I need to even ask what is going on?" Lucy said. "It seems so obvious now, I can't believe I didn't see it sooner!"

"Lu, calm down," Edmund said. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't pretend to be innocent, Edmund!" she snapped. "Saedra, may I speak with you?"

Feeling like a child that was being unfairly picked on, she asked, "Me?"

She didn't know exactly what Lucy was mad about, but she had a good guess. The ironic thing was that it was something she had fleetingly thought of doing, but had deliberately stayed away from.

"Yes. Let's talk in my room." She nodded at Edmund curtly. "I'll talk to you later, Edmund."

Saedra let go of Edmund's hand and followed Lucy into her bedroom, the party sounds fading away. Lucy shut the door behind them, walked into the center of the room, and then looked back at Saedra who was still standing near the door.

She looked at Saedra with raised eyebrows and demanded, "Why?"

"'Why?'" Saedra repeated.

"Yes, why? Why are you so willing to jeopardize the peace of my family, let alone my country, by doing such a thing? Do you know who could use the knowledge of this affair against Peter—or Edmund—or anyone else connected with it? Do you know how damaging this is to the reputation of my family and country?"

"Lucy-"

Lucy continued, "Do you realize what position I am in? Now that I know, I am forced to choose which brother I am more loyal to! By doing nothing, I betray Peter. By telling Peter, I'm betraying Edmund!"

"Lu, there's a simple explanation for all of this," Saedra started to explain, starting to feel panicky. She needed Lucy to hear her out.

"You always have the answer to get out of every situation, don't you?"

"What do you mean, I 'have all of the answers?'" Saedra asked. She wanted to scream back at Lucy to listen to her, but she felt like she, in a way, deserved what was happening.

"Whenever there's a crisis, you're always the first to come up with a plan," Lucy said. She rested her hand on her chin and said in a mock-thoughtful voice, "Hmm, Susan needs company in Tashbaan, well I think I'll go keep her company!' 'Hmm, we need information about the governor of Narrowhaven, so I'll just go and be a hero while finding an excuse to dally with Edmund.'"

At this point Saedra tried to butt in, but Lucy said loudly, "'Hmm, Lucy needs some romance in her life, so I'll match her up with Cedric!'"

Saedra felt like she had all of the air sucked out of her, and her hands started shaking uncontrollably. She knew that Lucy was furious about her imagined affair with Edmund (and rightly so, had it been true), but there was obviously much more going on here than that.

Lucy continued, "'Hmm, I need a different husband than Ahoshta Tarkaan, so I'll just marry Peter and make his life miserable!' Oh, yes, Saedra, I have seen how little Peter and Edmund talk to each other these days. And don't think I didn't notice that it was only after your wedding that this started! Does it make you happy that you're tearing up my family?"

Saedra couldn't help it anymore. Peter had burst her protective bubble earlier that night, and now she was no longer able to keep up the pretense that she was well and happy. As Lucy's righteous barrage hit her, she felt like she was being put in her place. Her face crumbled and tears poured out of her eyes.

At the sight of Saedra melting down in front of her, Lucy's jaw dropped. She had expected Saedra to fight back, to defend herself. Who was this woman in front of her that was weeping as if she was a slave being chastised by her mistress? What happened to the proud Saedra that she had always known?

"Saedra?" Lucy asked, eyes wide. She didn't move to comfort Saedra, but stood immobile and dumbstruck.

Saedra shook her head, gasped, "I have to go," and fled the room. She stumbled through the hallways of the castle as if in a drunken state. If she met anyone, she didn't care. She was blinded by tears, and all she wanted was to hide away and cry. She somehow found her bedroom and went in. She threw herself on the bed, and cried and cried into the pillows.

Try as she might, she just could not shut off her thoughts! They rushed at her from every side, making her feel ill and worthless. She had had the illusion that she and Lucy were friends…how many other people saw her the same what Lucy did? As the kind of person who would have an affair with her husband's brother? How many other people thought that she was a back-stabbing, conniving, hypocritical, spoiled woman who enjoyed coming between brothers?

You forgot heartless, she reminded herself angrily, thinking back to an argument she and Peter had had the week before their wedding. He had called her heartless because she was marrying him to avoid marriage to Ahoshta.

Her face scrunched up again. He was right! I did just marry him as an alternate.

Tears slipped out of the corners of her eyes after she flipped over to look at the dark ceiling. Her running makeup was staining everything it dripped onto, but it didn't matter. It didn't matter that her best dress was being wrinkled-nothing mattered. She had never felt so wretched in her life, including when her father had died when she was seventeen.

But you didn't try to push Lucy and Cedric together! she reminded herself. Did I?

She realized that it very well could have seemed like it. Maybe it seemed like I was! It did enter my mind that they would be a good match...

A sob of guilt rose up in her throat, and she slammed her hands over her mouth to suppress it. The tears did not go away, however, and she shut her eyes as the silent sobs continued to rack her body. She turned over, buried her face in the pillow, and balled as reminders of the horrible things she had done flashed through her mind, prompting even more tears.

I've wrecked Peter's life! He can never marry another woman that he really loves! She banged her face against the pillow angrily. I was so wrong...so wrong...

And Susan? I was a horrible friend to her in Tashbaan. I ran away from her to avoid confrontation when what she really needed was me to be there for her!

Edmund? The tears paused as she thought about him. I've made his life wretched! There is nothing I could ever do to ease the torment of seeing me married to Peter. I almost caused him to turn against his own brother! She started weeping again.

And Lucy? I've tried to be a friend but have only made her life miserable! I can't do anything right! Talia would probably be better off in Tashbaan than having a mother who leaves her for the whole summer!

Suddenly, she felt a hand on her shoulder that shocked her out of her self-abusing thoughts. Surprised, she turned over and saw that Peter was sitting on the edge of her bed, looking shocked at her state. She hadn't heard him come in the room.

"Peter!" she gasped, sitting up and trying to wipe off her face. She futilely hoped that he wouldn't see her wet face, but knew that was impossible with the bright moonlight coming in through the window into the unlit room.

"Lucy told me that she upset you," Peter said with a wide-eyed yet worried expression at seeing Saedra in such an emotional condition. "She's very worried about you."

She looked at him, and the attentive (and was it loving?) look on his face made her unable to hold back her tears anymore. Seeing him brought back all of the guilt she had about what she had done to him, and she covered her face and sobbed into her hands as Peter caressed her back lightly.

"No, no," she said, shaking her head. "It's not her. She merely told me what I already knew." She continued sobbing, hiding her face in shame.

"Oh, Sae..."

"I've been so wrong about everything! I had this illusion that I was strong...that I was untouchable. That I was someone. But-but..."

"Sae, if this is about that scum that tried to harm you..." Peter began, an edge creeping into his voice.

She cried harder at the mention of it. "I tried to forget, I tried so hard. I mean, he didn't really get to do anything to me. But I just keep thinking that if Edmund had been just a little later..." She paused as sobs made her unable to speak. "If he had been..."

"Saedra, none of this is your fault. Surely you know that!"

"I know, I know. I don't blame myself for that. It just...opened my eyes to so many things. So many women have gone through that, and it just-completely shattered the picture I had of myself. I mean, I was untouchable, I was strong. I was this great Duchess. B-but-but then..."

"You're still strong!" Peter assured her. "That's one of things I admire most about you."

"But I'm not, I not! Look at me. One little incident, and I'm a complete mess. This shouldn't even bother me since nothing really happened! But it does, it does...it does."

Peter shook his head and continued to watch her with an angry expression. She knew he wasn't mad at her; she knew that he was furious at the reminder of what had happened with Emit, but it made her feel even more undeserving of him and the way he obviously cared about her well-being.

She continued, "I took you so for granted. I thought I could protect myself from getting hurt again, that's why I have been so horrid when all you wanted was to do was to protect me...but, oh, I'm not making any sense!"

"I think I know what you're saying," he said more softly. "I hurt you, and you were just trying to protect yourself."

"And Emit made me realize what a wonderful man you are. I've been...I've been positively dreadful to you!"

"No, I deserved it most of the time."

"No, no!" she protested.

"Oh, Sae, don't do this to yourself! It kills me to see you like this."

"I deserve this. I deserve it."

"Saedra, stop this!" he ordered, firmly grabbing her shoulders, which shocked her out of her tears.

She looked up at him with wide eyes.

"Listen to me, and listen well," Peter said. "First of all, you do not deserve what happened with Emit. No one ever does in that situation. That is the worst thing that he could ever do to you, and if I had been there I would have made him suffer infinitely more for touching you. The very thought makes my blood boil, and were I not forcing myself to be rational, I would probably do unthinkable acts to avenge what happened to you. The only thing stopping me is the knowledge that whatever I do cannot change the past.

"Secondly, I don't want you to blame yourself for the problems between us. They are both of our faults, and probably mine even more than yours! I don't blame you at all for trying to keep yourself from getting hurt again. I regret the way I treated you then everyday (for I sensed it was the cause of the problems between us), and if I could go back, I would have handled it much differently."

Saedra didn't know what to say anymore. She had run out of tears, and was thoroughly exhausted. She knew what Peter said about Emit was right; it was something that she had been telling herself, but it was reassuring to hear it from Peter.

"And Sae, if you ever want to talk to me about anything, anything at all, please do so. I will always be here for you."

"Thank you, Peter," she whispered.

"Lucy has been waiting outside to talk to you, so we'd better not keep her waiting any longer." He got up and went out of the room.

A moment later, Lucy came in, knocking on the door lightly as she entered. "Saedra?"

"Come on in, Lu," Saedra said from her perch on the bed.

Lucy walked over, swallowing. "I really don't know where to start. I've been bloody awful to you, considering what's happened..."

"Lucy, I deserved to be berated."

"No, you didn't! I completely misjudged you, as Edmund was quick to tell me when I went to find Peter. He told me everything, and I could just die with mortification. I haven't been supportive enough since—you know—and I blamed Peter and Edmund's problems all on you."

"You did what any sister would do if she was in that situation. I don't blame you."

"I jumped to conclusions, and it was very wrong of me. I'm terribly sorry, Sae. Please forgive me...I couldn't bear it if we weren't friends anymore."

"I do forgive you," Saedra replied, moving across the bed, closer to where Lucy was standing. "And I am sorry if I was making you uncomfortable about Cedric. I am the last person to give out love advice!"

Lucy's face broke into a smile. "It doesn't matter. I said some horrible things-and I didn't mean any of them. I think I just wanted to hurt you as much as I could because I was so angry about Edmund."

"I figured," Saedra half-smiled. "It's over now."

A moment of silence passed as the two women studied each other, both relieved that they were talking rationally again.

"I'd better let you finish with Peter," Lucy said, getting up. "I need to help Edmund deal with all the Narrowhaven nobles downstairs."

Saedra smiled, and a hint of the woman she used to be showed through when she said sarcastically, "Good luck with that."

Lucy laughed and left the room. A moment later, Peter came back in. He shut the door behind him and came over slowly, as if he wasn't sure how to proceed.

"Everything all right?" he asked.

"Yes," Saedra sighed contentedly. "I'm sorry if I wrecked your evening."

"No apologies," he said firmly, locking eyes with her as he came to the edge of the bed. "We shouldn't have assumed that you wouldn't be upset by what happened with Emit. None of us have had any experience with such a situation, so we should have been more attentive to your needs."

"I think it's something that I need to work out for myself, but I do appreciate you being here for me," she replied, looking down. She felt drained, as if the tears that she had shed had carried parts of her with them.

Peter continued to study her, then hesitantly reached over and pushed back some hair from her face. Surprised at feeling his fingers brush her face, she looked up at him to see him looking down at her tenderly. Her facial expression didn't change, but inwardly she felt the walls around her heart melt at his tenderness.

He kept his hand by the side of her face cautiously, perhaps worried that she would recoil from the touch of a man. She didn't, and he stepped forward, leaned down, and lightly kissed her on the top of the head. He then wordlessly walked over to the wardrobe and changed out of his clothes, while Saedra pulled the covers back and settled in, thinking. She watched Peter as he went over to his couch and began rearranging the pillows on it.

"Peter?"

He stopped and looked at her.

Suddenly, her heart started pounding madly. She took in a shallow, shaky breath before asking, "Would you like to sleep up here on the bed tonight?"

Peter's eyes widened and he asked, "Are you sure?"

Saedra nodded. "Yes."

He continued to look at her, so she scooted over to one side of the large bed, showing him that she was serious. She felt completely ridiculous doing it, but as soon as the thought had come into her mind, she had blurted it out, and now she had to follow through. But what if he refused? What if he was more disgusted with her than he let on? What if the happily surprised expression on his face hid a darker emotion? What if-

All worries ended when he dropped the bedding that he had been holding, went over to the bed, and climbed in. Saedra's heart rate continued to climb, but she tried to hold a confident, pleasant expression on her face when he, also sitting up with his lower body under the covers, looked over at her. Even though the bed was large, she still felt like she was closer to Peter than she had ever been before.

He seemed to be waiting for her to determine what happened next, so she said, "Well, goodnight," and laid down on her side so that her back was to him.

A second later, he did the same, saying, "'Night, Sae. Sweet dreams."

Not another word was said all night, for both of them pretended to be asleep. But just the thought of lying next to the other was enough to keep both awake for hours, until tired sleep finally engulfed them.