The Mistakes of the Past

As usual these days, Saedra was sitting. It wasn't completely comfortable, despite the artistic Calormene-styled curvature of the bench on which she rested. Rather, it was the lesser of two evils. The extreme discomfort of standing prompted her to be seated as often as possible to keep the pain in her back at bay and to relieve her swollen ankles.

Pregnancy did not suit Saedra in the least. She was constantly being refitted for clothing, for she was growing larger by the day. Though she still had months to go, she felt like she was about to burst! The inhumanity of wobbling around like a boulder with legs while the excited father Peter had the full use of his body did not induce her to be in the best of temperaments; she also found that her emotions were embarrassingly hard to control. She never considered herself an emotional women (others may protest), but now she was quick to tears and feeling quite hot-headed.

It was a most unfortunate time to be so, for now was a time that would test Saedra's nerves under ideal circumstances: Rahai and Edmund were planning their wedding, and with a fervor. They wanted to have a wedding here, in Calormen at Rahai's estate, before returning to Narnia. The convenience of the location to all of Rahai's relatives and the urgency of the betrothed's affections had led the Narnians to dock in Tashbaan (always with a watchful eye in case of Calormene treachery), and for a good portion of them to settle down in Rahai's mansion. The Tisroc had made an allowance in her case and had not seized the property of her father Cradish as he had with other arrested officials. The absence of Susan was acutely missed, but she sent her love by mail and assured them that she was planning a grand celebration when they returned soon after the wedding.

While Edmund and Rahai busied themselves and the house with preparations, Saedra thankfully had a distraction from the conflicting thoughts that loved to crowd her mind in regards to her brother-in-law: with Lucy and Talia's help, she'd found what Sadris had bequeathed to her.

The three had scoured Sadris' chambers from top to bottom while Rahai, Edmund, and Peter dealt with the wedding details and security, and when they couldn't find anything there, the rest of the house. It wasn't until Lucy had the idea that Sadris may have put some clues within the note that they started to make some headway.

"See here? 'There is a great chance this will be intercepted, and thus all I have to give you is this: the key, and the reminder of what Lalevis did best.' She's trying to give us a clue!" Lucy exclaimed, looking up from the note.

"Of course!" Saedra said, wiping her perspiring forehead with one sleeve while cradling her bugling stomach with the other.

They had tried to persuade her to rest while they looked, but she stubbornly resisted. She regretted that now because she was feeling exhausted.

"Why didn't I think of it before? It wouldn't be in Sadris' room, it'd be in my mother's."

"But we already looked all over Lalevis' room!" Talia exclaimed.

"It can't hurt to try," Lucy said. "And maybe Saedra will think of something while we're up there."

But they didn't find anything for a long while. Saedra carefully lowered herself onto a couch and groaned, raking her mind for any idea of what Sadris had meant.

What did Lalevis do best? she thought. Well, she danced, didn't she?

She looked around the room. A pair of dance slippers rested next to her on the couch. They were the only pair in sight. Dancing was what Lalevis did best, so...

Certain that she'd finally found what she'd been looking for, she got up and searched under the couch cushions. Their prey had to be under here! But to her dismay, there was nothing but dust.

Disheartened, she sat again and watched Talia and Lucy scrounge around. A memory floated into her mind of when Sadris had first shown her the room. Saedra had been amazed at how the room had looked as if Lalevis had just been there, with clothes, makeup, and shoes lying around.

Shoes lying around.

Saedra perked up. The shoes had been lying on the ground when I came in…somewhere in front of the closet. Sadris had picked them up while she had been talking.

Saedra got up and knelt in front of the closet, running her hands over the stone floor.

"What is it, Mum?" Talia asked.

"It's just a hunch…" Saedra said. "But could it be under the stones?"

Lucy and Talia glanced at each other doubtfully, but came over and started feeling the stones with her.

"See if there are any loose ones," Saedra said.

"I got it!" Lucy exclaimed, wiggling a loose rock. "I'll need something to pry it up!"

Talia sprang up and scanned the room. She came back with a letter opener. "Will this do?"

"I think so," Lucy said, and wedged the opener between the cracks in the floor. After some tugging, she pulled the rock up.

All three peered into the dark hole.

"Why, it's a little chamber!" Talia exclaimed.

Lucy reached her hand in. "There's something down here." After a little struggling, she pulled out a small, white marble box. "Key?"

Saedra produced the key Sadris sent her and gave it to Lucy, who put it in the keyhole. It fit.

"This is your honor, Sae," Lucy said, pushing the box to her sister-in-law.

Saedra took it, and the other two leaned over her shoulder as she slowly opened it.

Inside was a little notebook, bound in a red cloth. Saedra took it and flipped through it. It was covered in small handwriting from beginning to end, and the inside of the front cover read, "Lalevis' Diary," in fancy doodling.

"This is it," Saedra breathed, feeling as if somehow this book had the means to solve all of the problems in her life. "This is what Sadris wanted me to have."

But gleaning the information proved much harder. The diary was much longer than it looked, and so over the next few days Saedra went into hiding, reading the journal hungrily. It distracted her from her physical pain as well as the bothersome wedding preparations and arriving guests, and so she'd often go out into the luxurious plant-covered, fenced-in roof of the mansion to read.

And here Saedra was, sitting on a bench on the roof and reading the diary in the dimming daylight. She was facing the sunset, and a warm, sweet-smelling breeze fluttered the pages of the book as she read. Her interest increased when she reached the part she thought to be about her father Dane.

…An envoy from Archenland has arrived today. They are so fair-skinned and light! They are rather jolly and improper, which is the first thing Tarkheena Lanya sniffed haughtily to me when she had the chance. Why she thinks I'd care about the Barbarians, I should like to know! She had the air of someone who had secret information, which I suspect was an act as likely as anything. Why Abrastan finds her so alluring I shall never understand—

"I thought I might find you here, my dear!"

Saedra turned to see Peter headed through the potted plants towards her. She smiled, lowered the notebook, and scooted over on the bench to make room for him.

"How goes the party?" she asked.

Below her the faint sounds of Edmund and Rahai's pre-wedding celebration could be faintly heard. The wedding ceremony would take place the next day.

He kissed her forehead and sat down, unbuttoning the top buttons of his party tunic.

"Oh, it's great fun. Rahai's nieces and nephews are all being put to bed-thankfully-so now the party is really getting started. Ever since you excused yourself I've been talking to Tarkaan Abrastan. He is a most fascinating man." He settled back and put his arm around her shoulders.

She rested her head against him and patted the diary. "Funny you should mention him. I was just reading about him."

"Oh? Has he finally started paying attention to your poor mother?" he smiled.

There wasn't an entry in Lalevis' diary that didn't extol Abrastan's virtues. Though her step-brother's best friend was ten years older than the smitten teenager, she had been hopelessly in love with the oblivious man.

"Hardly, poor girl," she laughed. "No, she was just lamenting how Abrastan was paying attention to a rival of hers."

Peter picked up the notebook and flipped through it. "How far have you gotten?"

"I'm three-fourths done now. I should be able to finish it tonight."

"Then we are close to finding out what good ol' Sadris wanted you to know, mm?"

Saedra shifted to make herself more comfortable against him and chuckled. "Or maybe she was a delusional old bat in her last days. Either way, this notebook has been absolutely fascinating. It's like I'm finally meeting my mother. The mother I never knew."

They sat in comfortable, thoughtful silence as the sun sank over the western edge of the world.

With a sudden thought, she inclined her head up to his. "Peter, what happened to your mother?"

Peter looked strangely startled at the question. "I...I can't remember."

"You can't remember?" Saedra repeated, sitting up. "How could you not remember your mother? Did she die?"

"No..." He looked extremely confused.

"What about your father?"

"I...I have a faint recollection of them..."

"Where were they from? Narnia? Archenland? The Isles?"

He didn't reply, only stared out into the darkening night with a furrowed brow.

She gripped his chin and turned his head to face her. He was acting so strangely! "Peter?"

His blue eyes were disturbed. "I truly can't remember. They were from far away. That's all I can tell you."

"Do you miss them?"

He paused. "I don't."

"You don't miss them?" she repeated, surprised.

"Do you miss yours?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Well...I will always miss my father, but I suppose I've never missed my mother because I never knew her. I've always been curious, though. Now that I know about her history, I regret not being able to know her personally."

"Do you think you'd be different if Lalevis was there to raise you?"

Saedra smiled. "I don't know...more proud perhaps...more outspoken. It seems I did get my more admirable traits from her side of the family based on what I see in the diary."

He laughed. "Aslan help us all!"

It was now completely dark out. Houselights twinkled in the distance below them.

"This is nice," Peter said, squeezing her shoulder.

"What is?"

"Us being able to talk without distractions. It's nice not having to worry about where Ed is or how to keep our travel plans secret or how to expand the Navy or how the Tisroc might respond to a confrontation."

"Yes...it is nice," she agreed. She felt completely comfortable here with Peter. Well, except for the pains of pregnancy, but that couldn't be helped. "As long as the Tisroc isn't going to try a sneak attack and corner us here," she added jokingly.

"I should hope he isn't that foolish," he chuckled.

They had thoroughly planned for any scenario in case the Tisroc decided to take advantage of the Narnian rulers being so close. The fact that Rahai's mansion was on the edge of the river and not on the actual island of Tashbaan was greatly in their favor; it would be much easier to trap them within the walls of the city than here.

"Eh, Rabadash might be that foolish," she commented wryly. "You know, it's funny how our opinions of him have evolved since that one spring when Prince Corin and I went up to Narnia. Poor Susan was infatuated with the man, and now..." Her voice trailed off into amused silence.

"Sae, this reminds me of something I've wanted to ask you for a long time."

"What's that?" she asked interestedly.

"Why did you come up with Prince Corin that first time?"

"Well-you know King Lune wanted Prince Corin to get away-so he could be distracted from his mother's death-" she stuttered.

She was trying to quickly decide whether she could safely tell him the real reason. Was there any reason she shouldn't?

"Yes, I know why Corin came up. But why did you?"

"Peter!" she laughed nervously. "Do you regret my visit?"

"Not at all! I just had this feeling that there was more to you being there. I mean, Lune could have sent anyone up to accompany Corin. Why you?"

"Someone needed to do it," she laughed. "Why not me?"

"You had responsibilities in Harden, and left your old nanny to watch your affairs. Surely there were other nobles that could have watched Corin without leaving their affairs in inexperienced hands."

"Peter, Gilda was more than capable-" she said defensively.

He ignored her protest and continued. "While up at Cair Paravel, you seemed like you were hiding something. And now that I know you so much more now, I'm more certain that something was...off."

"Off?"

"I know how to read your face, Sae. If you're hiding something, I can tell, at least sometimes. And when I think back on that time, I realize that you were up to something."

Saedra doubted he could read her thoughts as well as he thought he could.

He had no idea I was pregnant, and he has no idea the struggle I'm having with Ed. Or does he know that too? Is he trying to tell me something?

She sighed. "Lune wanted me to try to get Rabadash to fall in love with me. We both knew a marriage alliance would be greatly beneficial to our people, so my assignment was to try to seduce him."

"Seduce him?"

"You know what I mean. I did nothing improper, but I did try my best to be encouraging."

"But?"

"But Susan loved him, and I obviously didn't have a chance competing with her. And my...affections...were for another."

It was the first time that the subject of what had gone on between them during that time had been brought up in casual conversation. It had only ever been brought up in fights during their engagement, and after Saedra's close call in Narrowhaven. It was something that Saedra had been afraid of bringing up for fear of starting a fight with Peter; she was willing to let the past lie for the sake of peace with her husband, despite her curiosity and past hurts.

"Ah," Peter said.

Say something, Peter! she inwardly ordered. Tell me what happened with us! Perhaps it was the impending arrival of their child, but Saedra had never wanted to resolve the issue more.

"We should get you inside, my dear," he said, disentangling himself to stand up. "It's getting rather chilly."

She said nothing and followed him through the dark, sprawling mansion. There was no one around, and they could still hear the sounds from the party coming in through windows. When they came to their guest room, Peter lit some lamps as she changed into her nightgown and climbed into bed. She laid back to take the pressure off of her feet and took out Lalevis' diary-but she couldn't clear the issue from her mind.

Throwing caution to the wind, she said, "Peter."

He had settled himself at the desk and was writing. He turned in his chair to face her. "Yes?"

"Why did you marry me?"

Silence followed as they stared at each other. He slowly rose from the chair and came and sat in front of her on the edge of the bed. He took her hands in his and looked at her.

"Because I loved you," he said simply.

"You loved me," she repeated dumbly.

"Yes. I loved you."

She swallowed. The answer didn't satisfy her curiosity as she had hoped; a dozen more questions flitted through her mind. "But...but then...then why did you act so strangely before I went to Tashbaan?"

He looked down. "Sae..."

"I know you said you couldn't tell me before, but can't you now? I'm having your child, Peter. I have a right to know."

He studied her. "It was because Ed was in love with you."

She froze. He knew about Edmund?

He watched her reaction silently, waiting for her to speak.

"I...I'm speechless," she finally admitted. "I had no idea..." No idea that Peter knew, at least.

He released his breath. "That was my hope. I didn't want your friendship with Ed to be tainted by past feelings. That's why I refused to tell you."

She played with his hands absent-mindedly. "How did you find out?"

"It took me a while, but then the pieces started falling together. I caught him watching you. He would dance with you as much as he could, even though dancing had never been a favorite of his. He'd cared for someone for years, and I realized that he could have developed feelings for you when you came to Narnia with your father.

"When I found out, it was already after we'd started...whatever we were doing. I had a choice: I could continue my relationship with you, or I could step aside and let Ed have the chance that was rightfully his. He'd loved you for so long..." He paused. "And so I decided that I had to push you away; we hadn't made our relationship public, so it would only be between you and me. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done, because I had fallen in love with you. It killed me to hurt you, but I knew I couldn't live with myself if I'd disregarded my brother's feelings. If I married you while Ed loved you..." He shook his head. "I can only imagine how tortured he'd be. On top of that, the guilt would have eaten away at me and soiled our relationship."

"But you did marry me."

"Yes, but Ed's feelings had subsided. I offered him the opportunity to marry you, but he refused. I saw that he had outgrown his childhood affection, and eagerly married you myself." His lips turned up into a half-smile. "I was convinced that I could make you care for me again, and that you would bend your conditions for marrying me."

"It seems you were right," Saedra said, squeezing his hand.

"It would seem so." He reached over and pushed her hair back from her face. "I don't regret anything I've done besides hurting you. If I could have handled myself any other way, I would have."

She had no doubt he was telling the truth. Edmund's explanation for his actions fit together with Peter's perfectly; the whole story was finally starting to come together, after all this time. Both brothers were so damn loyal to each other—and to her!

"I love you, Sae," Peter smiled.

She looked at her husband. The man had been willing to give up his happiness for his brother's, had bourn her wrath and anger, and had made her love him again-or had she never stopped loving him? All she knew was that Peter was much, much too good for her, for she could never give him her whole heart.

"I love you too, Peter."

Saedra hadn't been able to finish the diary that night, so she picked it up the next morning as slaves tended to her appearance for the wedding. She knew she could never focus on the wedding now that she was so close to the end. The secret had to be coming soon. And so it was.

Suddenly, she jumped out her seat, startling the hovering slaves. She clutched the book in her shaking hands, staring out into space with a shocked expression.

"Are you all right, Princess?" a slave hesitantly asked, holding the brush fearfully as if Saedra would slap her.

"Go fetch my husband," she gasped. "Now. Please! All of you, go find him!"

They hurried into action, scurrying out of the room.

She sat down in the empty room, an expression of shock on her face. A few minutes later, a breathless Peter hurried into the room, looking bothered.

"That was fast!" Saedra said, going to greet him.

"Fast?" he panted.

"The slaves-they didn't find you?"

"Slaves? No, I came of my own accord. I have news."

"As do I," she said. "Peter...I've discovered Sadris' secret."

"Sae-" he started.

"Peter, listen!" she said, gripping his arm. "Are you listening?"

"Yes, yes, I'm listening!" he said distractedly.

"Peter, Dane isn't my father."

His mouth dropped. "What?"

"Dane isn't my father!"

"I'm...I'm shocked!" he breathed. "But we have something more pressing to deal with."

"More pressing?" she laughed maniacally. "Are you talking about the wedding? Who cares? It all makes sense now! I've been so blind not to see it! Dane isn't my father!"

He gripped the sides of her head with his hands to get her attention. "Saedra, listen to me. I've just received word from Harden. Your Regent Gilda is dead."

"And now that-What?"

"Gilda's dead. She's been poisoned."