Learning How to Live

The sound of a woman shrieking filled the air.

"Su? What is it? What are you doing?"

"She—She—"

"She what, Susan? Tal, do you know what's wrong?"

"No, Aunt Lu—"

"There! She did it again!"

"Did what?" cried several voices at once.

"She's breathing!"

Silence.

"That's not funny, Susan. Of all people to be making jokes at a time like this…"

"I'm not joking, Lucy! Look at her!"

"By the Mane…Talia, do you see?"

"I see, I see! Mum's breathing! Look, Aunt Rahai!"

"Aslan be praised! Cousin, can you hear me?"

"Mum, can you hear us? Open your eyes!"

"Sae, please…"

"Look, the green tint has left her face!"

"So it has, Rahai! Do you think the poison is gone?"

"I've no clue. I'll go fetch the nurse!"

"Mum, please. Open your eyes!"

"Look, her eyes are opening!"

"She is alive! Where's Peter? He must know!"

"He went out riding, I think, as soon as he found out she was gone-"

"Then have a servant get him before he does anything stupid! And tell them to get Ed. Aslan knows where he's gone off to!"

"Look! Her eyes are fluttering!"

It seemed as if Saedra's eyes were made of lead. She so badly wanted to open them, to assure her frantic family that she was there. But she felt so utterly weak, and her body ached.

Slowly, the room came into focus. Talia, Susan, and Lucy were practically on top of her, anxiously sitting on the bed. All of their eyes were red from crying, and Talia's face was miserably blotched. When Saedra's eyes opened, their expressions melted into wide smiles, and they smothered her with hugs.

"Aslan be praised!"

"This is a miracle!"

"Mum!"

Saedra parted her dry lips. "What happened…?"

"You were poisoned," Susan said seriously. "And you fainted from it as you were climbing the stairs in the main hall."

"How-?"

"We don't know who did it," Talia answered quickly. "Father locked down the castle immediately, and everyone was questioned to death-Father was quite ferocious-but everyone seemed innocent and he had to let them go."

"Do you remember anything?" Lucy asked.

"…No," Saedra croaked.

"It had to have been close to the time you left the dance hall. Otherwise you would have fainted with people around."

"I…I did have a drink before I left…I can't remember who it was…that gave it to me…"

All three women looked disappointed.

"I'm sorry…" Saedra said.

"Don't you be sorry!" Susan chastised.

Just then, Rahai rushed back in, Mrs. Quigley right behind her.

"My Lady!" Mrs. Quigley cried. "It's a miracle! We thought you were gone for sure!"

"I was gone," Saedra replied weakly. "How did you lot get here?"

"We came down as soon as we got word about your fall. You've been in and out of consciousness for weeks," Susan explained. "All of us are here, except for Per, who's watching Cair Paravel for us."

"And look!" Mrs. Quigley continued. "Your face is a normal shade again! It's as if you were never poisoned."

Saedra winced as she tried to move her limbs. "Not quite."

Lucy reached into her pocket and produced a little bottle. "Do you think the cordial will work this time? If the poison's gone…"

"It…didn't work before?" Saedra asked. "But I thought it could cure anything…"

"Yes, we thought so too," Lucy replied. "Every time we tried to give you some, the wound would start to heal. We would see the green begin to retreat, but as soon as the drop spread, the green would close in again. It was as if the poison was fighting it!"

Saedra faintly recalled sporadic bursts of pain, and wondered if that had been what had caused them.

"I'm sure it will work now, though!" Lucy said, coming over.

She first went to Saedra's right leg, which was bandaged. She pulled away the wrappings, and applied a drop. Instantly, the leg stopped hurting.

"What happened to my leg?" Saedra asked.

"You broke it when you fell," Talia explained.

Lucy went over the rest of Saedra's body, giving drops where she had injuries. When she was done, Saedra's pain completely disappeared. She still felt weak, but she had no more wounds and could move easily.

"Thank you so much, Lu," Saedra said gratefully.

Her body was healed, but her mind was muddled and confused about the ramifications of coming back to life. Images and ideas floated through her mind: Edmund kissing her tenderly as she died, the sound of Peter's voice as he yelled and demanded to know what had happened, Edmund's deep, passionate eyes, the sound of Peter's gut-wrenching sobs-

Susan helped prop Saedra's back up with some pillows so she could sit up some.

"My Lady," Mrs. Quigley said carefully. "There's something else."

"What is it?" Saedra tried to clear her mind and stay in the present.

"Obviously, there were complications…" Mrs. Quigley said. "With the babies…when they were born…it looks like you might not be able to have children again."

No one else in the room looked surprised; they must have already known. Somehow, Saedra wasn't surprised either-but it still hurt her to hear it more than she would have ever expected it to.

"I see," Saedra said, swallowing. She thought for a moment, and then her eyes widened. She nearly choked on her next question. "Wait—you said babies."

Talia nodded. "Twins."

Saedra's jaw dropped, and tears sprung to her eyes. "Twins…"

Susan nodded at Mrs. Quigley, and Mrs. Quigley left the room.

"One survived, Saedra," Susan said, putting her hand on Saedra's leg comfortingly. "The other didn't."

"Willem…" Saedra said, thinking of the baby that hadn't lived.

"What was that?" Rahai asked, and the others stared at Saedra strangely.

"I met Willem…when I was dead. I met him and Aslan. He's a man now, wherever he is. He's so handsome and smart…"

She blinked away tears. It was comforting to know that Willem was safe and happy with Aslan, but all the same, she'd rather be able to hold him in her arms. She wanted to raise him, to see him grow up. To see Peter play with him, and teach him how to sword-fight and ride a horse.

"What did Aslan say to you, Mum?"

"He said that Gilda was there with him." She looked at Rahai. "As is Grandmother. He also told me things about my parents."

She didn't want to go into detail, for she hadn't told anyone besides Peter about Abrastan being her father. Besides, her heritage was the least of her concerns.

Mrs. Quigley re-entered the room, carrying a bundle of blankets. She walked to the bed carefully, then leaned over so Saedra could see inside.

"My Lady, meet Princess Caulitha, Crown Princess of Narnia."

Saedra's breath was caught in her throat. She stared into the tiny, pale face of a sleeping baby girl. She had hardly any hair, but the few wisps that she did have were blonde. For some reason, Saedra wanted to cry even more at the sight of her. She held out her arms, and Mrs. Quigley handed the baby to her.

Tears seeped out from Saedra's eyes as she looked down at the baby. Her baby.

"She's so light!" Saedra gasped, her face screwing up with emotion.

"She's incredibly weak," Mrs. Quigley said caringly. "We had to bleed her to get the Marrina Felcar out. There were times when we didn't think she'd make it either. But she's a tough little thing. I fear there may be some bad effects of the poison in her future. There was no way we could get all of it out without killing her."

Saedra stared down at the baby for what seemed like ages. She couldn't comprehend that this was her daughter. This person had come out of her!

Movement in the corner of her eye distracted her. She looked up and saw that Edmund was standing in the doorway. Saedra froze; in her mind's eye, all she could see was Edmund's face right before he had kissed her. Now, he was staring at her in shock.

"It took you long enough, Ed!" Susan laughed.

Edmund ignored Susan. He didn't break his gaze with Saedra. "It's impossible…"

"I think that's Su's line, Ed," Lucy grinned.

Edmund ignored the comment. He just stared at Saedra; she was the last sight he had ever expected to see, and he looked deeply startled.

"Aren't you going to greet Sae, my husband?" Rahai encouraged, smiling benevolently.

Edmund walked forward and grasped Saedra's hand. He swallowed, and said simply, "You're back."

Saedra looked up at him. "Yes, I'm back."

Just then, everyone turned. Talan was standing in the doorway. He gave a quick bow.

"Where's Peter?" Lucy asked.

"The High King says he'll check in on Lady Saedra in a little bit," Talan said.

"Then we should give them some privacy, shall we?" Lucy asked, gesturing that the rest should leave.

Edmund lowered Saedra's hand, gave it a little squeeze, and then released it out of sight.

"I'd better take Princess Caulitha with me. It's time for her to eat," Mrs. Quigley said, and explained, "My Lady, we have a nursemaid feeding her."

Saedra nodded, understanding that there had been no way for her to feed the baby before. Now it was probably too late. She reluctantly handed Caulitha over, and then everyone except Talia left the room. Edmund had looked back once, but his face was unreadable.

"May I stay, Mum?" Talia asked hesitantly.

"Of course!" Saedra said, and patted the bed next to her.

Talia came back and climbed on next to her. Then, all of a sudden, Talia buried her face in Saedra's shoulder and burst into tears.

Saedra was shocked. She put her arms around her and asked, "Tal? What's wrong?"

It was a long time before Talia had controlled her crying enough to be able to speak. "I—I was so scared, Mum!"

"Understandably," Saedra murmured, running her hand through Talia's hair.

"I didn't want to be alone!"

"You wouldn't be alone!" Saedra protested. "Father will always be here for you!"

"I knew that, but I was still scared. You were the one that picked me, not him."

"He picked you when he married me!" Saedra reminded. "You and me, we're a package."

"I know Father loves me, but…you're the only one in the world who chose me. You're the only one who actually decided that you wanted me. Even my birth parents didn't want me, but you…you hardly knew me and you took me in. And if you left…" She buried her face again. "And now he has another new daughter…"

Saedra saw then how much she meant to Talia. All throughout Talia's early childhood, adults had seen her as a nuisance, or a means to an end. She had been sold into slavery, and had nearly gone into training to be a courtesan. All the adults in her life had been cruel or indifferent to her, and Saedra had changed that. Saedra had never realized the great thing she had done when she had taken Talia in. She hadn't thought about how much this had really changed the girl's life, bringing her from slave to Princess.

And even though Talia knew that Peter loved her dearly, she would always have this abiding, subconscious fear that he would abandon her. It seemed that the only one in the world who Talia hadn't been afraid of losing was Saedra—and she nearly had lost her.

This insight floored Saedra. She didn't know what to say to her.

"Tal," she said into the teenager's dark hair. "I'll do my damnedest never to leave you. But if I ever do, I promise that your father will love you just the same way he does now. Your father is one of the best men in the world. He loves you for you, and would never shove you aside for another daughter. You're his just as much as Caulitha is."

"Just don't ever leave me," she begged.

Saedra rested her head on top of Talia's and said, "I'll do my best, Tal. I'll do my best."

Peter didn't come to see Saedra that day. Nor the next.

Saedra's days were filled with lying in bed, chatting with Susan about the gossip in Narnia, talking with Lucy about what was happening in Narnia's forests, and helping Talia with her lessons. She saw Edmund often, but it was always with someone around, so there was no way for them to discuss their situation. She would try to figure out what Edmund was thinking, but his dark eyes were disturbingly unreadable whenever he was around. He was pulling back, and no matter what Saedra told herself, it hurt. It was like a knife through her re-energized heart. She wanted Edmund to love her, to talk to her the same way he had when her life was draining out of her. But he was choosing not to.

And there again was the issue of her husband, Peter. The husband who had mysteriously disappeared, who wouldn't visit her.

Saedra knew he had a lot to deal with. He had lost his wife, and his only son, and then all of a sudden his wife had returned. Surely it was a shock, but couldn't he come to see her once? Couldn't they mourn the loss of their child together? Couldn't they celebrate that one had survived?

Survived. Survived what?

Caulitha survived my stubbornness, Saedra thought with a sinking heart at the end of the third day that Peter still had not come to see her. Caulitha survived my curiosity. She survived my belief that I'm invincible, that nothing could happen to me or the babies.

Saedra stared up at the darkening canopy over her bed. A newly lit fire flickered in the fireplace across the room.

I thought I learned that lesson in Narrowhaven. I should have known better than to leave Narnia! I should have erred on the side of caution, and none of this would have happened! Willem would be alive and Caulitha would be healthy! I would never have died! Peter and I would be able to have more children, and now we'll never have that chance!

And in that moment, Saedra knew why Peter hadn't come to see her: he blamed her for Willem's death. And even worse: he was right to blame her. She blamed herself.

Self-loathing filled every pore of her being. She didn't know why she hadn't seen it before.

I've learned nothing. I've been through so much, seen so much, experienced so much, and yet I'm just a fool. A fool who put her babies in danger. It's as bad as if I killed them myself! I knew Harden was dangerous after what happened to Gilda...

Once these realizations had entered her mind, they refused to leave-and Saedra made no effort to try to force them to. She allowed the guilt to eat at her day and night. She wasn't being a martyr; she truly deserved to be ashamed, humiliated, ridiculed. She was the Princess who thought she was invincible, and who had killed her own child through her bravado.

It was why Peter couldn't bring himself to look at her, for the sight of her was a reminder of the child she had killed. She felt ashamed for wanting Edmund to speak with her, for she didn't deserve him! She was a fool, and he was much too good for a fool.

Over the next couple of weeks, Saedra regained her strength faster than she should have. The cordial worked wonders, and soon she was able to go down to dinner with the rest of her family. Saedra postponed that event as long as possible, making excuses saying she was too tired, but finally she couldn't put it off any longer without looking suspicious.

"Come on, Sae, do hurry up!" Lucy smiled. "Your hair looks fine!"

Saedra was seated in front of her old vanity, wasting as much time as she could. Going down to dinner meant only one thing to her: seeing Peter.

Saedra slowly examined herself. Her face had, unfortunately, regained its usual healthy complexion. She had lost a lot of weight during her illness, but now it was coming back, and her cheeks were filling out. Only her eyes gave away her disposition. They were dark and lacked the proud, mischievous spark they had once held. They were flat, and even when she smiled, the smile didn't reach her eyes.

Saedra stood up, and Lucy came over and linked arms with her. It was an unnecessary gesture on Lucy's part, for Saedra could easily do laps around the rooms, but it was touching all the same. It was too bad Saedra was too disgusting to be deserving of such a kind act.

When Saedra entered the dining room, she was shocked-and mortified-to find that the people had stood up and applauded, as if it was a great thing she had done in getting better. She shook her head in a manner that must have seemed modest, and motioned for them all to stop. They obeyed after a bit, and Saedra took her seat beside Peter. He looked her in the eyes for the briefest of moments (making Saedra wonder if the look had been imagined), and then looked at her forehead and kissed it.

"Welcome, my dear," he said, staring at her eyebrows.

"Thank you, my husband," she replied, and they sat down.

This small interchange reminded her vaguely of the times when she and Peter had once had to put on the front of being in love right after their wedding. It was morbidly ironic how they had been so in love before her death...and now they were back to faking affection.

Saedra looked across the table as small talk ensued, and found that she was seated directly across from Edmund. Thankfully, he would allow himself to look at her, but it was the look of an acquaintance or family member, not a lover. The looks were brief and meaningless.

Dinner passed in this way, and Saedra found that she wished she hadn't come down. She participated when directly asked a question, but the conversation flowed around her, happy and oblivious to the self-loathing state she had fallen into.

Saedra excused herself at the earliest moment possible, citing tiredness as always. She went upstairs (accompanied by Narnian guards who were now following all of the nobles about the castle), and hesitated in front of the room that had been turned into the nursery for Caulitha.

Seeing the baby was painful. The baby was so young, but reminded her so much of Peter. The baby had his eyes, bright blue. Looking at her was like looking at Peter. And yet, she wanted to see the baby so much...

Mrs. Quigley came from the other direction. "Coming to see the Princess, my Lady?" she smiled. "She misses her mummy."

Saedra cocked her eyebrow, looking amused despite herself. "She can barely stay awake, and you're telling me she misses me?"

"Oh, yes, your Ladyship!" she grinned. "Her daddy is around all the time, but her mummy, not so much. She misses her."

"Peter comes to see her?"

"All the time!" Mrs. Quigley opened the door. "Come in, come in!"

Peter came to see the baby-all the time-but never once came to see Saedra. Somehow, it felt right. Just.

The mail flowed in from all corners of the world, congratulating the High King and the Princess on the birth of the heir to the throne of Narnia. One day, Peter and Saedra were seated at the dining room table, going through the stacks that had been forwarded from Cair Paravel. Rahai was helping, as was Saedra's assistant Tina. Peter sat at one end of the table, Rahai across from him. Saedra and Tina were farther down, going through a different stack.

Saedra was reading a sweet letter from Lady Eraka of Terebinthia, when she heard a low voice. Peter and Rahai occasionally spoke farther down about the mail, but there was something in the tone that made Saedra incline her head slightly to look at them, her face shielded by her hair.

"What is that look about, brother?" Rahai asked concernedly.

Peter was staring out into space, looking like his mind was miles away. In his limp hand was a forgotten letter. His face had a hint of anguish. He hadn't heard Rahai speak, so she reached across the table and put her hand on his to get his attention.

"Peter?" she asked softly.

His eyes were glazed..

"Are you all right?" Rahai's accented voice was kind.

"Have you ever acted too rashly?" Peter asked, not looking at her. "Ever made a decision that seemed right at the time, based on the information you had, but you later think that it might have been the wrong thing to do?"

Rahai blinked. "I'm sure we all have, brother."

He continued. "Something that changed the course of your life forever? The course of the lives of the people around you?"

"I should hope not," Rahai smiled, but the smile uneasy. "Of what are you referring to?"

Peter focused on her. He shook his head. "It's nothing."

Saedra slowly turned her head back to the letter she had been reading. A tear silently trickled down her face, and she was surprised to feel it, even though she knew what Peter was referring to. He regretted their marriage.

She glanced up to see if Tina had seen; she hadn't. She was engrossed with reading a letter.

A while later, Peter excused himself to check on the baby.

Rahai stretched, and said, "I'm going to get something to drink. Would either of you like something?"

"Thank you, your Highness!" Tina said. "But I'm quite content."

"I'd like some water, if that's okay," Saedra smiled. The silent tears had dried a while before.

Rahai nodded, smiled, and left the room. Saedra instantly stood up and walked around the table. She went to the piles of papers Peter and Rahai had been reading, and filed through the read piles. Tina watched her interestedly.

It took a couple of moments, but then Saedra spotted it-the letter Peter had been holding earlier. It was smaller than the other fancier parchments, and had neat, beautiful writing. It was obviously from a woman's hand.

To the Esteemed High King Peter and his Lovely Wife Lady Saedra:

From the Crown Princess of Telmar, Priyah, Daughter of King Meridian and Lady Bria,

My royal parents have already sent their regards for the birth of the Princess Caulitha, but I feel it incumbent upon myself to extend my own personal congratulations. The circumstances surrounding the birth are such that I also must offer my warmest condolences. The loss of a loved one is always tragic, as I know well. The pain does not easily go away, but I know that, if Princess Saedra is anything like her honorable husband, the pain of loss will subside quite easily. I wish for the best for all in your family, and may you have a blessed Christmas this year.

Saedra turned the paper over to see if there was anything written on the back, for it was an unusually short note. There wasn't more.

Saedra wracked her brain, trying to think of where she heard the name Priyah before. If she could remember, it may explain why Peter had expressed such melancholy feelings to Rahai, of all people. Peter must have known her, especially with the unorthodox style of the letter-it was almost catty.

Saedra put the note down, and turned to Tina. She knew someone who would have the answers she sought.

"Where's Queen Susan?"