AN: So here's the deal: I have my last exam of the semester in 36 hours. After that I will have less than a week to write a 20-page paper and an 8-page paper. And I have decided to spend the evening listening to sea shanties and writing a Twilight parody.

I am not a Twilight fangirl. I do not swoon over Edward. And yet I did feel strangely compelled to see the movie...following which I borrowed the entire series from my 14-year-old neighbor. I've finished Twilight and New Moon, and yes, they are just as ridiculous as I expected after watching the movie. I am frequently infuriated by both the characters and the plot. And yet I am strangely addicted. You might say I have some love/hate issues. Hopefully this parody will help sort that out.

I've decided to start out with New Moon, since I found it even more ridiculously mockable than Twilight. Also, I was inspired by Da Phoenix's parody of Twilight – really I'm just building off that.

Disclaimer: If I had actually written these books then I really would be concerned about my psyche.

PART I

My name was Bella Swan, and I was a painfully boring and normal person, except for my unbelievably gorgeous and amazingly incredible vampire boyfriend. I planned to spend the next 500 pages agonizing about my horrible inadequacy compared to his absolute perfection, and generally wallowing in my low self-esteem until every single reader had thrown this book across the room at least twice and possibly also ripped out some pages.

(Reader: Even if we ripped out every page that featured your low self-esteem, you would still be annoying. Also, the book would be about five pages long.)

My vampire boyfriend and his awesome vampire family all inexplicably liked me, so they threw me a birthday party at their awesome vampire mansion. Which was horrible, because I didn't want to get older because then I'd get even uglier and Edward would have even less reason to stay with me!

"Hey Bella," said Edward in his gorgeous velvety voice, "my family is putting a lot of effort into this party, so it'd be great if you acted happy and not all bitchy, kthx."

As usual I had only been paying attention to the exquisite sound of his voice. "Okay Edward. But first we have to watch Romeo and Juliet so that some important literary parallels can be established."

(Shakespeare: rolls over in grave)

Then I hopped on Edward's back and he brought me to the party, where his brother almost killed me because I cut my finger on some exceptionally sharp wrapping paper. Luckily I didn't faint at the smell of the blood, because that was something that only happened once back in the first book for no reason other than to cause mutiple boys to flock to my aid.

Anyway, everyone got all upset and then Edward stopped talking to me for a few days, causing me to totally panic that my paper cut had finally made him realize what a useless excuse for a human I was.

And I was totally right. He broke up with me! Then he left me in the woods ten feet from my house, but I got lost anyway and some Indian guy found me like six hours later, but I didn't care because no one in the whole entire world mattered besides Edward.

Oh, except Charlie. Yeah, that was my dad, and I totally loved him, even though I'd wanted to leave him forever and become a vampire and everything. I decided that I had to be brave and strong so that I could take care of my dad and stay in Forks. Because Forks was where Edward had blessed me with his presence, so I could never, ever leave.

A bunch of time passed that I thankfully did not narrate, and then Charlie got mean and told me that I had to start doing horrible things like hanging out with my school friends. But I didn't like any of them because they weren't vampires, and it was so annoying the way they'd all tried to be nice to me. I'd just ignored them until they started leaving me alone. For some reason I'd never been able to connect with other people. Sigh, angst.

Anyway, I went to the movies with this chick, I think she had curly hair. And that's when I heard his voice in my head! It was far too painful to even think his name...but I knew I had to do whatever was necessary to hear his beautiful angel voice again.

"Yoo-hoo, BELLA!" said what's-her-name. "I am really pissed that you're being so weird and ignoring me. I'm going to be pissed for the rest of the book!"

(Jessica: gets approximately three more lines of face time in the midst of 300,000 lines of Bella's total ignorance of the people around her)

Then I bought some motorcycles.

That feels like a good stopping place...but I'll probably upload more tonight. Review if you desire.