AN: I've been writing this in my 10-minute study breaks over the course of the day. Part 4 will be up sometime Tuesday evening. You should leave nice long reviews, because that will make me happy, and happiness will lead to acing my exam tomorrow morning, and acing my exam will lead to more happiness, which will lead to a prompt parody-filled update. :)

PART III

So I went to talk to Jacob about how he was a werewolf and all. Geez. Why couldn't I ever be friends with normal people?

(Mike, Jessica, Angela, Tyler, etc: have been blatantly ignored and despised since the very beginning of the first book)

I found out that vampires and werewolves were mortal enemies, which made total sense. Apparently the wolves had killed Laurent, but some red-haired vampire lady was still hanging around.

"We just can't figure out what she wants," said Jacob.

"Oh crap," I said.

Then Jacob and I became BFFs again and he even fought his werewolf friends to defend my honor, which was awesome. I started spending all my time hanging around the beach so that they could protect my poor defenseless self from the evil Victoria. I was so terrified that she would kill all five of my werewolf friends, but of course, I wasn't worried about myself at all because my total selflessness was established in the first book and corroborated by my every action since then. Especially my excellent treatment of my friends and lack of ever using people.

(Readers: start tearing out pages)

(Feminist readers: start furiously crossing out entire blocks of text with big black Sharpies)

(Librarians: WTF happened to these books?!)

Oh, and also some friend of Charlie's died and everyone was really sad, including me. Even though all this character ever did was go fishing.

One day, as I was waiting for my big strong protectors to save me, I decided to jump off the cliff into the ocean. This seemed like a totally excellent idea even though I had absolutely no reason for doing it. Oh yeah, it was because I wanted to hear Edward's voice again. And it totally worked. Score!

Then somehow I found that I was drowning. Dammit.

Luckily, Jacob arrived just in time to save me as I drifted lifeless in the black water. But he interrupted my hallucination of Edward! Jerk.

As he carried my limp, nubile body away from the beach, I noticed some strange red fire burning on the surface of the water. Freaky. But I was sure it couldn't be, say, Victoria's hair, even though Jacob had just told me two seconds ago that Victoria had gone into the ocean in order to swim to the beach and kill me. I went to sleep.

Later Jacob drove me home, and we sat in the car for a while and gazed into each other's eyes. He was just so big and warm! I debated seriously with myself about kissing him. Even though I was just a shell of a person without Edward...Jacob made me feel not quite so lonely, empty, and meaningless.

(Feminist readers: sob brokenly at the thought of a generation of girls growing up with Bella as a role model)

Suddenly, I realized that Alice was waiting inside my house! I immediately shoved Jacob away and dashed into her cold, hard vampiric arms. Ah, bliss.

(Jacob: Cannot...escape...my inexplicable love...for Bella! Damn you, Stephanie Meyer! Damn you to hell!)

"Alice!" I cried. "Canwehaveasleepover???? Willyoustaywithmeforever?????"

"Of course, Bella," said Alice. "Just like every other character in this book, I actually like you. God knows why."

Alice left to go hunting, and I immediately freaked out that she would never come back. I spent the whole time trying not to hyperventilate.

Jacob came back at some point to make sure I wasn't dead. I guess that was nice of him, but now that I had one of my vampires back I realized how inadequate Jacob really was, and I didn't want to kiss him any more.

(Jacob: continues being jerked around)

The phone rang, and Jacob answered it without asking me. His domineering manliness reminded me ever-so-slightly of Edward. Jacob told whoever-it-was that Charlie was at the funeral. Oh yeah, I remembered, my dad's friend died. Gosh, it would have been incredibly traumatic for him if I'd drowned while he was at his friend's funeral. Of course I hadn't thought about that before.

Then Alice came back and said that Edward was going to go to Italy to kill himself.