AN: So here's my three-week-late update. And most of it was written for all three of those weeks...I just got lazy and couldn't finish. Which is pretty normal for me. Sometimes I update weeks late, or months...occasionally years. Sometimes I update exactly when I say I will. Sometimes I even update early just to stay unpredictable.

I've now finished reading Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. So...keep an eye out for those parodies. =D (But will I post it next week, next month, next year? A little suspense to keep us all on our toes.) Also my little sister is currently halfway through New Moon, and finds it just as infuriatingly mockable yet irresistible as I do. I've never been prouder of her.

Many thanks to all readers and especially reviewers. And if you happen to watch Lost, check out my extensive collection of Lost parodies.

PART IV

Alice explained that Rosalie had told Edward that Alice had told her that I had tried to kill myself! Stupid Rosalie. It definitely wasn't my fault for jumping off the cliff in the first place in a totally ridiculous plot contrivance.

"Stupid Jacob!" I said. "Why would you say Charlie is 'at the funeral' when you're talking to someone who doesn't know anything about it?!"

"I dunno. Plot contrivance?" said Jacob with a shrug.

Suddenly I realized that all my obsessing about Romeo and Juliet during the course of the novel had actually been foreshadowing!

(Stephanie Meyer: "I am soooooo totally brilliant!")

(Shakespeare: dies, again)

"Come on, Bella!" said Alice. "We have to go to Italy and save Edward's life!"

I was so happy that I would get to see Edward! And even better, if the Volturi did kill him, they would probably kill me too! That way we would be together forever.

"Don't go, Bella!" said Jacob. "I don't know why, but I LOVE YOU!"

"Psh, see you later, loser," I said. And then I went to Italy.

Alice told me all about what Edward was planning to do to get the Volturi to kill him, and then she stole a car and spent the rest of the book and half of the next one obsessing about how awesome it was.

"It's so fast...and shiny...and smooth..." she rhapsodized, starting to drool. "Oh, right, so just run that way and you should find Edward about to step into the sun and be subsequently torn into pieces by evil vampires. Send me an e-mail and let me know how it goes. Good luck, kthxbai!"

I dashed off to save the love of my life! Finally, I was being proactive and feminist!

(Readers: Hmmm...)

"EDDDDDWAAAAAAAARD!!!!!!" I screamed as I dashed across the square full of people, trying to be inconspicuous.

There he was! I barrelled into him.

"Ouch," I said.

"Hey Bella. 'Sup?" Edward said.

"Oh not much," I said.

"I thought you were dead of a plot contrivance."

"Yeah, that happens."

Some Volturi peeps showed up and took us through these dark evil tunnels of doom. At least I think they did, but I couldn't see anything because my face was squashed into the front of Edward's chest.

"Don't worry," said Alice. "I can tell everything's going to turn out all right."

"Alice!" I exclaimed. "When did you get here?"

She rolled her eyes and I resumed trying to absorb my molecules into Edward's.

"You're getting snot all over my shirt," Edward said.

We met the Volturi, who were all creepy and evil and lived in this medieval castle right in the middle of the city, only no one knew they existed because they always imported foreign tourists to eat. Which was something no one ever noticed.

"The Asian ones taste the best," said Evil Bodyguard #1.

We discovered that I was totally immune to, like, every vampiric power, and nobody knew why! But I was still much too ordinary and inadequate for Edward...

(Mary S—Bella: is somehow sooooo much awesomer and specialer than every other human being on the planet, but thinks she's completely normal and boring)

"Creepily intrigued by you, I am," said the really old and especially creepy vampire guy as he stroked my cheek. "What a beautiful vampire, you would be..."

"Hey, only I am allowed to fondle Bella possessively!" said Edward.

"I have a proposition for you, Edward, Alice, Bella," said Really Old and Especially Creepy Vampire Guy. "How would you like to become part of my staff of blatantly evil bodyguards? I have vacancies! You could be numbers 5, 10, and 12! And you'd better say yes...or else!"

"Nah, I think we'll just head back home," said Edward.

"Okay," said Really Old and Especially Creepy Vampire Guy.

Huh. So they were just going to let us go, after going through all the trouble of bringing us in all intimidating-like? We turned around to leave, but then—

"Not so fast!" said Not Quite as Old But Still Pretty Creepy Vampire Guy. "Bella. She must become one of us, or we cannot let her live." He leveled an ominous stare at me. Edward and Alice prepared to fight in my defense.

"But hey, no rush," he continued. "You guys can just take care of that yourselves at some point in the distant future."

"So...we can leave now, completely unharmed?" asked Edward. "I just want to make sure you know that you're committing to an anti-climax here."

"Sure, you can leave. But first!" He surveyed us ominously again. "..............You have to pinky swear that you will turn Bella into a vampire. You know, someday."

"Yes," said Edward. "I pinky swear."

"Great! Have a safe journey home!"

(The Volturi: have now begun a string of appearances that will always result in gigantic anti-climaxes that change nothing about the story)

(Stephanie Meyer: "Enabling me to indefinitely continue this money-making series!")

(Readers: miss Harry Potter)

We went back to Forks, but I was convinced the whole time that Edward was just going to leave me again once we arrived. I mean, even though he went to Italy to kill himself when he thought I was dead, I didn't realize it meant he loved me and couldn't live without me. I just thought he was, like...dysfunctional...or demented...or whatever. But no! He loved me! He really loved me!

I'd also totally forgotten about that whole hearing-Edward's-voice-in-my-head thing, but it still had to be explained somehow because it kind of led to the whole climax of the story.

"Hey listen to this, Edward!" I said. "My subconscious hallucinated your voice while you were gone, I think because it realized that you really did love me, and the truth could not be denied! But this only happened when it was triggered by my adrenaline!"

"That...does not make any sense," said Edward.

(Gaping plot hole: exists)

"So..." I said, "you're absolutely sure you actually love me? And you're never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never, ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever going to leave me again?"

"Oh my God Bella you are so fricking annoying," said Edward. "I love you! And please stop strangling me, I'm not going anywhere."

(Bella's subconscious: probably realizes just how fricking annoying Bella is, and this is why she cannot ever quite believe Edward's love)

"Yay!" I said.

"Marry me," he said.

"No," I said. "Make me into a vampire."

"No," he said.

Darn.