When You Say Forever, Chapter 4
Was it possible that Jace would have said such a thing? Would Jace ever have said that he was too afraid to kill a demon? ...To Clary? Even if Alec didn't believe it, he didn't know how else the Mundane would know such a fact. Then again, the girl seemed to know everything she shouldn't know. She knew about their world, many of their ways, and was learning more each day. And she knew he was... Well. She knew.
Again he was walking, walking, walking with no predetermined destination. His feet just kept moving, even though he knew Hodge would have his head if he knew he had just walked out like that. By the same token, Jace would probably tear him a new one if he knew how physical he had just been with Clary.
There was a strong gust of wind that ripped through Alec from behind. Unprepared for the blast, Alec stumbled forward slightly and hugged his arms to himself as he realized how chilled the air was. He could hear Jace's name echo in his head as Clary had told him that he was the one to say he was a coward. Maybe he could have expected it from Isabelle, like a joke that the Mundane may have misinterpreted, but there was no way Clary could have misinterpreted Jace. He was always so straight-forward...
Alec realized that he had been walking quickly and began to slow down, feeling his legs beginning to tire from his hurried pace. He was in shape, so the burning in his calves told him that he had walked farther than his body was used to. Looking up, he was surprised to see where his feet had led him. He was only feet away from Magnus Bane's doorstep.
He cursed himself inwardly, wondering why his feet kept bringing him back to the Warlock's home. No matter how much he fought that side of himself, it kept coming back. The problem with it recently was that the attraction he had grown used to for Jace was now resurfacing and focusing on Magnus, which was, in theory, tenfold worse than being attracted to his friend.
The part he wasn't sure about was whether it was worse because he was attracted to a Warlock, that he had kissed the Warlock, or that he felt as though he was betraying Jace.
No, he thought. I'm not betraying Jace. That's ridiculous... He stared up at the Warlock's door, wondering if he should knock, wondering if he could face him again after the night before. I'm betraying all of my people, he mused, looking down at the ground.
He heard a humming motor coming from the darkness down the street and saw a single headlight approaching him.
A vampire, his mind registered. Assuming that Shadowhunters and vampires probably weren't on the best of terms at this point in time, he quickly bounded up the stairs and knocked on the door. Maybe if Magnus was quick, he'd be in the house before the vampire was any wiser.
As the door opened in front of him a few long moments later, the realization crossed his mind that he could have simply run in the adjacent direction, gone back to the Institute. Why had he gone to the door?
--
When the door opened, the first thing Magnus noticed was the vampire on a motorbike racing by and then lifting off into the air. The second thing he noticed was the cold Shadowhunter standing on his doorstep. His first thought was to question why he noticed Alexander second.
"Alexander," he said in surprise. The boy looked cold and worn down, but the worn part wasn't just because of his shabby sweater. His face looked like it had aged ten years since the night before, making Magnus sure that something must have happened to the boy.
"I—Uh... Can I come in?"
Magnus stepped aside without a word and then closed and latched the door once the boy crossed the threshold.
"Did something happen?"
Alexander leaned against the wall and then threw his head back against it with a loud thud. Magnus winced at the sound, trying to ignore the fact that Alexander was currently leaning against a wall and approached him slowly, hoping to coax the problem from him.
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing is right anymore," he mumbled. His eyes were closed tightly and his hands were balled into fists so tight that his knuckles were white.
"What do you mean?" Magnus was close to him now but was afraid to touch him, not wanting to upset him anymore.
"Everything is changing! Everything! And I... I can't have all of it change at once! It's just... It won't work. I can't do this." He took several deep breaths, obviously trying to keep from breaking down.
Magnus watched as the boy started to tremble, clenching and unclenching his fists. Without warning, he began to slide down the wall, falling to the floor and sitting on the ground, his arms quickly wrapping around his knees as sobs broke free.
Magnus looked around, like he was expecting some assistance to come from a miraculous source. It had been more than a century since he had had to comfort Alexander, and he knew how to do it, he just wasn't sure if he was allowed to. The last time he had to do it, they were in an established relationship. Now Magnus wasn't sure if he had ground to stand on or if he was allowed to touch Alexander, knowing he was part of the grief the boy felt.
Alexander made no sound, but his shoulders shook violently and Magnus could hear him trying to breathe, trying to regain his composure.
Hoping he could convince him that it was okay to let it all out, Magnus crouched down hesitantly and touched Alexander's shoulder. The boy made no move to get away from him and his state didn't change, so Magnus took this as a sign that it would be okay to get closer to him.
He sat down next to him and carefully put an arm around his shoulder. After a moment, he gently pulled him closer and felt the boy relax against him.
"It's okay, Alexander. It's... Everything is going to be fine," he said, stroking his hair and feeling the sobs beginning to subside. This would be the harder part for the boy: He wouldn't know how to act after breaking down. It would be up to Magnus to keep the situation from snowballing.
There were several moments of silence during which each of them tried to figure out what to do next. Magnus simply did what felt comfortable and held Alexander close to him while gently massaging his shoulders with one hand. Alexander seemed to be regaining the ability to breathe steadily while trying to maintain what little dignity he thought he had left.
Minutes that seemed like hours passed by in silence and fifteen minutes into the lull, Magnus realized with quiet astonishment that Alexander had fallen asleep. Afraid to wake and startle him, Magnus slowly moved away, keeping a hand on Alexander to ensure that he wasn't going to fall over and smack his head on the doorframe. Once he was up and he had regained feeling in his legs from the knees down, he waved his hands gingerly and Alexander was lifted into the air in his very position.
Magnus carefully maneuvered him down the hall and through his bedroom door, halting slightly and wondering if it would be appropriate to put him in the bed. Deciding that it would be okay for now and he would deal with any repercussions later, he turned down the covers with a nod of his head and then placed Alexander down with a soft creak of the bedframe.
As tempting as it was, he decided against covering him up himself. Instead, he waved his hands to bring the covers up to Alexander's shoulders, which the boy gratefully curled into, and then left the room, silently closing the door behind him.
--
Alec woke up feeling warmer than he was used to, which immediately made him wonder if he was getting sick from his late-night stroll in the city. He rolled over in the warm comforter, wishing he never had to open his eyes from the pleasant dream he had been having. Well, he didn't remember it, he just knew he wanted to keep sleeping in the warm bed that smelled like lavender.
His eyes snapped open when he realized that he wasn't in his own bed. The first thing his mind registered were all of the bright colors that stood out in the dimly lit room and then he remembered his breakdown in the hallway. Had that all really happened?
And why was he in Magnus's bed?
...Had anything happened?
No, he thought quickly. No, I'd remember that.
He wondered how long he'd been sleeping and if anyone had noticed he wasn't at the Institute.
Was it morning? Had he slept all through the night?
The panic set in.
He jumped out of the bed and rushed to the door, pulling it open and finding Magnus pacing on the other side. The two of them stared at each other for several awkward moments and then looked away. Alec found himself wondering if anyone else could be awkward with Magnus or if it was just him.
Then, when Magnus didn't try to make a witty remark, Alec decided that it was just him.
Alec looked back at Magnus, who looked back at him, and asked himself how many times they'd do this before one would find their voice and say something.
"I... I'm sorry," Alec said, finally.
"Alexan--"
"No, I... I shouldn't have come here an—And broken down like that," Alec said, remembering his sobs with a painful twinge of humiliation. "I think it would be best if... Well, if we pretend that it never happened."
Magnus took a few steps toward Alec, who was studying a speck on the floor with unmatched intensity, and put his hand under his chin, raising his face to look at him.
"Alexander, you shouldn't just forget about your emotions."
Alec, surprised by the look in Magnus's eyes, averted his own eyes and muttered "I shouldn't have them in the first place."
"Why don't you tell me what happened? Maybe we can go from there." He removed his hand from Alec's chin and took one of his hands. "Don't be afraid of me, Alexander. I'm not one of the bad guys." Magnus smiled at Alec and Alec couldn't help but feel like he could trust him.
"I don't know which side is up anymore," Alec admitted, not protesting when Magnus took a carefully-planned step forward, bringing them close enough that Alec could feel the heat of him.
"On a good day, the side of the coin you chose is up. On a bad day, well...," Magnus took his other hand,"You just need to find a new coin."
"Clary has turned everything upside down. Jace is different around her, Isabelle is happy to have a girl around and was toying with the Mundane boy, and Hodge acts like she's a miraculous Shadowhunter already... And I'm the only one left who hasn't got something new to fawn over. That girl is ruining my life."
"And this, Alexander, is why girls should be avoided at most costs," Magnus said, leaning forward until their foreheads were touching.
"And then there's you," Alec whispered. "I don't understand this."
"What's to understand?"
"I've never... I've only ever been attracted to... To..." Alec sighed in quiet frustration.
"The blonde."
"Jace."
"That doesn't mean it's wrong to be attracted to someone else," Magnus said, squeezing Alec's hands.
"But it was safe. I never would've acted on anything with Jace," Alec closed his eyes, feeling the awkwardness of their eye-averting coming back as he thought about how close they were. "But with you..."
"Well, what's the point of a mutual attraction if there's nothing being acted on?" Alec could hear the smirk on Magnus's mouth without having to see it, but he could also hear something else in his voice. It was a slight quiver that was almost unnoticeable. Maybe he only noticed it because his eyes were closed and he couldn't see the confidence in Magnus's eyes. Surely that was all it was... His inability to see the confidence.
"You're a Warlock," Alec noted on a breath, noticing that Magnus must've been closer to him.
"You're a Shadowhunter." He was much closer, but Alec wasn't going to open his eyes to see what he already knew. Magnus was only millimeters away.
"It's wro--" But his words were swallowed as Magnus kissed him, evicting any thoughts of impurity from Alec's mind while flooding his entire body with warmth at the same time.
It was the warmth he'd felt in the bed, including the aroma of lavender, but there was an added safety to being in the Warlock's arms. He found it strange that he felt so perfectly at peace right where he was, no matter what kind of turmoil was going on in the outside world. Everything else stopped existing, if only for this one perfect moment when their mouths became familiar with each other.
Alec felt a strange urge to open his eyes. There was something intimate about this kiss that was different from the day before. Yesterday the kiss had been surprising and unexpected; Alec had panicked, knowing he should pull away but being unable to. Tonight the kiss wasn't a surprise and he never wanted to pull away, even though he knew he should. Instead of Magnus kissing Alec, they were kissing each other. And he wanted to see it.
He opened his eyes slowly, wondering how stupid it would look if someone were to see this. How many people opened their eyes while they kissed someone? Well... Since he'd only kissed Magnus, he didn't really know if it was proper protocol for kissing or not. He just assumed it probably wasn't.
Alec realized nervously that Magnus had probably felt him opening his eyes when his eyelashes brushed against him and he quickly closed his eyes. But in the moment that his eyes were opened, he realized just how close they were at that moment and that he had never been that close to anyone. It was like in the last twenty-four hours, he had gone from thinking that his best friend was Jace, the person whom he had known for so many years, was the closest person to him. But now he was seeing something different... Magnus got him. He understood him on a level that Jace probably never would. And that didn't make what he felt for Jace go away, it just made it easier to push it into the back of his mind.
He felt the flutter of eyelashes that he had thought Magnus would have felt and opened his eyes in surprise. Their eyes met as their mouths moved and Alec's heart nearly burst with the emotion he saw in Magnus's eyes. It seemed almost like it was too much for just one kiss, something that would have to come out one kiss at a time. And then, as quickly as it was there, it was gone, and Magnus closed his eyes and the kiss lost some of it's power.
They broke the kiss at the same time several moments later. Still needing contact, Alec leaned his forehead against Magnus's and raised his hands from his waist to his shoulders. As their breathing began to return to a normal pace, Alec opened his eyes and found Magnus looking at him questionably.
"You don't... Think about the blonde do you?" Magnus asked. His lips were flushed and curved into a teasing smile, but his voice carried a heavier weight that made Alec wonder if the wrong answer would be the end of him.
"No," he answered honestly. Even if he did think of Jace, he wasn't imagining that Magnus was him, which is what the question was asking, so he wasn't lying.
They stood like that in silence for several moments, feeling each other's heartbeat, and then parted, bringing the awkwardness back into the air. For how confident Magnus was when others were around, Alec couldn't help but realize how many times it seemed awkward when they were silent together. It was like there was an elephant in the room that Alec couldn't see and Magnus wouldn't address.
"I should get back to the Institute," Alec said, looking in the direction of the door.
"It's getting... Early? It's nearly four," Magnus informed him as they walked.
"I should be able to get in without anyone realizing I was gone," he replied. And then he could sleep all day, unless the Mundanes caused more trouble. Which they would, so he'd probably only get four or five hours of sleep. It'd still be sufficient...
Before he opened the door, Magnus turned to him and looked at him for a moment. Unsure of what to do, Alec just stood there holding his breath. Then, without warning, Magnus kissed him quickly. It was over as soon as it began, but it held every emotion that they were both feeling. The uncertainty of whether this would happen again, the nervousness about the situation as a whole, the worries about Jace from both parties... All of it was combined into that one chaste kiss.
And then Magnus opened the door and Alec walked away without a word to acknowledge what they both already knew.
And when he got back to the Institute and crawled into bed, he didn't bother changing. He got together a bunch of the spare blankets from other rooms and piled them all onto his bed. Even though the room wasn't cold, he wanted to mimic the warmth of Magnus's bed.
He pulled the blankets up over his head and inhaled deeply, breathing in the familiar scent of Magnus mixed with lavender. Between the warmth and the soothing aroma, it was only moments before Alec was able to drift off into sleep.
...Only to be rudely awakened an hour later. But in that one hour, he slept better than he had ever slept inside the Institutes walls. And when he took his sweater off to put on something clean, he tucked the sweater under his pillow.