AN: Still don't own it. Still have no affiliation with Cassandra Clare, etc. Please don't sue :)
When You Say Forever, Chapter 10
It was nearly three in the morning when Magnus heard a knocking at his door.
I have a doorbell, he thought groggily as he climbed out of bed, slipping his feet into a pair of pink slippers as he did so. I'm going to be angry, either way. Why not go all the way?
He was preparing a speech for the person at the door as he slowly made his way down the hall. Part of him wondered why he was even answering the door. The other part of him reminded him that his High Warlock status had no specific hours of business.
After the rant he had set up in his mind, he was almost admittedly disappointed when he opened the door and Alec was standing on the other side.
But it wasn't an Alec that Magnus was used to seeing. Alec generally wore the same thing as a rule: Black sweater (no matter the weather), black pants, black shoes, black... everything. It was just how he worked. Magnus sometimes would consciously wonder if the boy owned more than one of the same outfit or if he just never changed.
Right now, however, Alec was standing before him, wearing a white t-shirt and what appeared to be plaid flannel pajama bottoms and... socks.
"Alec," Magnus said, stepping aside and letting him enter. He watched Alec sivering as he closed the door. "Is something wro—"
"Shut up," Alec said as Magnus turned to him.
Magnus froze and looked at Alec, who was now standing in better lighting. Magnus could see bags under Alec's eyes, dark circles that almost made it look as though the boy had been hit. He was trembling slightly and holding a piece of thick paper in his left hand. And he didn't look happy with Magnus. At all.
He had no idea what he could have done, so Magnus stood still, now completely awake, and tried to figure out what the problem could possibly be.
Now would be a good time to kick in, he told his non-existent psychic powers. A really good time.
No such luck.
Alec turned away from him and walked toward Magnus's bedroom. He didn't turn back, didn't acknowledge Magnus at all, just walked quickly down the hall and out of sight. Magnus listened to the sock-clad feet on the hardwood and then heard his bedroom door open. It didn't close, so Magnus followed.
When he entered his room, he saw Alec standing in front of the bookcase, one of his pale fingers running along the spines, looking for a title.
Magnus, who was becoming more confused by the moment, stood in the doorway and watched. He tried to get a better look at the paper Alec was clutching, but from the angle he was holding it, Magnus could see nothing more than the fact that part of the bottom was singed away.
Alec's fingers stopped on the Gray Book and pulled it from the shelf less-than carefully, nearly dropping it in his haste. He opened it and practically tore through the fragile pages until he stopped on one and held the book up in front of himself, the cover facing Magnus.
Smart as he was, Magnus realized that the reflection of the page could be seen in his mirror.
Memory. Alec was looking at the rune for remembrance.
Unfortunately, Magnus still couldn't see the paper in his hand. Though he was curious as to why his visitor was looking at the rune rather than marking himself with it. Surely he knew it would be stronger if he did.
Alec slammed the book closed loudly and closed his eyes. The Gray Book, which was respected and treated with great care by Shadowhunters above all, fell from Alec's hands and hit the ground with a loud thud.
Still unsure of what he was supposed to do, Magnus carefully took a few steps forward, not speaking.
"Stop," Alec said, his tone cold.
Magnus stopped.
Alec opened his eyes and stared at Magnus.
"What did you do to me?"
Magnus stared back, unsure of what the boy meant.
"What. Did. You. Do. To. Me?"
"Alec, I don't know what—"
"Magnus, don't lie to me," Alec pleaded. Magnus thought he saw a glimmer when Alec shifted in the lighting, like tears forming, but he didn't want to think he did.
"Alec, I—"
Alec took a few steps toward Magnus, clearly frustrated and on the last strings of energy he had in him, and gripped the paper in both his hands, staring down at it as he walked.
"Do you know what kind of records Shadowhunters keep of their own people?" Alec asked, standing only a few inches from Magnus.
"Good ones?" Magnus replied, shrugging in confusion.
"Perfect ones. Nothing is left out. Nothing."
Magnus stared at him, still not knowing what he was supposed to say, but thankful that Alec was completely unarmed. At least that he knew of.
"Do you know what I dreamt tonight, Magnus?" His voice was desperate. "Do you have any idea why I haven't slept in nearly five days? Why I haven't been able to help at all with the problems my family is facing?"
Magnus shook his head.
"I haven't slept because I keep having these nightmares. Nightmares about going into the woods somewhere, I don't know where, and being viciously attacked," Alec paused, trying to control the shaking that was overtaking his entire body, making his voice jump. "Attacked and then left there to die—nearly dead and bleeding. And I can feel everything, Magnus, I can feel it all. I can feel the teeth digging into my shoulder, I can feel the venom running through my veins..." He broke off, choking on the thought. "I can feel the utter fear that I'm about to die, and the only thing I can think about is that I should have gone to you sooner. But I don't know why."
Magnus looked down at the floor. His vision blurred slightly and his slippers became nothing more than a pink cloud against the floor.
"And then I wake up, but I'm not actually awake... I'm laying in my bed staring at the ceiling, but I can't see anything because there's blood coming from my head and I can feel my hair sticking to my face. And when I reach up and touch my shoulder, I can actually feel the blood there, see it, smell it... I've gotten to the point where this nightmare is so vivid, I'd rather stay awake, keep myself awake, than go to sleep again. And it all revolves around you."
He still said nothing, just stared at the floor, looking at the distance between his feet and Alec's. He felt his heart breaking at the description of what Alexander had gone through, what Alec was now remembering going through, and had no words to express to Alec what he felt.
"I went to the library. I thought maybe I could find one of Hodge's old potions, maybe find something that would help me stop dreaming. I know Jace used to have nightmares about Valentine's staged death, and I knew they gave him something... But when I got to the library, I was sidetracked because something pulled me to the old records," Alec paused and looked down at the paper again and Magnus realized exactly what it had to be. "And it was like magnetism. Without knowing what I was doing, I opened one of the books from the early 1900s and started turning through the pages."
Magnus swallowed hard, wondering what Alec had convinced himself Magnus had done to him. Surely he was thinking along the lines of a love potion or a spell...
"And I found this," Alec said, holding the paper up to Magnus for a moment before turning it back around and reading from it. "'Alexander Fairchild perished on the eve of September 13 after being attacked by what was suspected to be the Greater Demon, *Asmodeus. He was found just outside of the city limits in Downworlder territory by Mitchem Wayland and transported back to the Institute. A warlock was summoned to attempt resuscitation of Fairchild in lieu of the Silent Brothers, but the warlock was unable to save him." Alec stared at the page and then looked up at Magnus. "Under a recorded obituary, they put the death certificate of the Shadowhunter. It's always signed by the person who declared that he had died."
Alec thrusted the paper at Magnus, but he didn't need to look at it to know that his own shaky signature was on the bottom of the paper, smeared and splotched with tears he hadn't had the energy to get rid of before giving the Shadowhunters what they needed. He had simply used a glamour to hide the fact that tears were falling. Of course that glamour would have worn off over the last century.
Magnus took the paper and looked down at it. It looked almost foreign to him now, though his signature was still the same flourish. He remembered signing it and insisting he had to leave but having to stay longer so he could be questioned about what he had done to try to save Alexander.
He didn't look up at Alec, he just kept rereading the words on the paper that Alec had just narrated to him.
"You don't love me," Alec said, his voice noticeably pained.
Magnus's head snapped up and he stared at Alec in shock. That was the last thing Magnus had expected to hear pass the boy's lips.
"Don't look at me like that! I... These visions. These nightmares. You—You were in love with Alexander Fairchild. That's why you called me by my full name," Alec choked on his own words. "When I kept having those visions, I was in a cabin or something. I could see woods out the window." He was staring into Magnus's eyes without blinking away the tears that had formed. Magnus wanted to wipe them away. "Do I look like him? Is that why you chose me? Because you were in love with a Shadowhunter a hundred fucking years ago and now I come along and remind you of him?"
Magnus had never heard Alec swear. Alexander, yes, but not Alec. And they were so clearly two different people.
Magnus shook his head in defense but couldn't say what he wanted to. He'd break the spell and he didn't know what the consequences would be. Maybe Alec would evaporate into thin air and all Magnus's memories of him would be erased... He didn't want to find out.
"Just tell me why I saw those things. Was it because you were—You were thinking about him when you were with me? Was that what did it? Or were you projecting your own thoughts onto me so I'd see it all?"
Alec was so close--so close--to realizing what was going on.
Magnus wanted to try something, just a single word to see if it would trigger a response.
"Memories," he whispered into the space between them.
"Memor—" Alec stopped and stared blankly forward, seeming to have lost his train of thought entirely.
Magnus felt the need to close the space between them and take Alec in his arms, just in case he was about to disappear forever, but he stayed in place and watched the wheels turning behind Alec's blue eyes.
Alec focused his eyes on Magnus from the blank stare and looked at him as though he were seeing him for the first time.
"I'm—No. How—No. I'm not—It's not possible."
Magnus could almost see his train of thought as his mind processed it.
"Magnus, I can't be—" He stopped, perhaps seeing the glimmer of hope that Magnus was sure flashed before his eyes. "How?"
Just say it, Alec, Magnus thought desperately. He couldn't confirm or deny anything until Alec said it out loud.
"Magnus, answer me!" Alec said, taking two steps closer until they were so close that Magnus could have kissed him. But he just looked at him. Could he tell him he couldn't answer? Would that be cheating?"
He looked into Alec's eyes with a pleading desperation. Alec looked down at the floor, his hair falling in front of his eyes, and then looked back up at Magnus and shook the hair away, meeting his eyes with confusion.
"I can't be Alexander Fairchild," Alec said. "I'm Alec Lightwood. I—I can't have been him. These can't be my own memories."
Magnus released the breath he hadn't realized he was holding and he threw his arms around Alec, pulling him so close that he thought maybe the boy would sink into his own skin.
"Magnus, wha--"
The warlock kissed him hard, pushing away his question and confusion, if only for a moment.
Magnus pulled away and touched his forehead to Alec's, looking into his eyes and sending up a silent prayer to the Angels he probably shouldn't have been praying to in the first place.
"I thought you'd never remember, Alec, I thought—" Magnus stopped, realizing that he'd ramble on forever if he didn't at that moment. I thought I was going to lose you again, that you'd never remember, that you'd choose Jace, that you'd want nothing to do with me...
For the umpteenth time that night, Alec just looked at him.
"You mean I...? But that's not possible," he said in a small voice. "I can't just... come back."
Magnus nodded, making Alec nod as well, before pulling back and walking over to the bed. He gently pushed Alec to sit on the edge and summoned over his vanity bench for himself. He sat down in front of Alec but wondered if he could tell him everything, even the things he hadn't remembered yet. Could he tell Alec why Alexander had been going to him the night he died?
I'd hint subtly, Magnus thought, looking up at Alec, But subtle doesn't really work with you, does it?
"We met when you were fifteen," Magnus said. "I wasn't quite the High Warlock of Brooklyn, and I was new to the United States... I lived in a small cabin outside the city. You and your sister, Irena, came to me when the Silent Brothers were unavailable. After a while, you began sneaking back to see me, almost like you did after the party the night I met you."
Alec blinked.
Magnus took Alec's hands in his own and tried to come up with the best plan of action for the continuance of his story.
"You used to complain about my proximity to the city. You wished I lived within the limits so that you wouldn't have to fight your way through to see me—"
"But it wasn't me," Alec said, his eyes wide. "I've never so much as killed a demon. How could I have done that in the past?"
Magnus looked down.
"You were always confident and nearly arrogant. In a way, you were kind of like Jace. The night you died, I had the choice of 'editing,' so to speak, aspects of you."
"Of Alexander," Alec corrected.
"Of Alexander. I had loved yo—him. I loved him and felt more than guilty for his death. It was my fault. He had rarely been injured, he was a warrior, of course, and had no fear. I was always worried about him, always afraid I'd never see him again after he left..." Magnus paused, looking into Alec's eyes to see if he understood. "When he was attacked, his sister came to me and I was taken back to the Institute to heal yo—him."
"Then why did he—Alexander—die?" Alec said, his hands trembling in Magnus's.
"I realized I couldn't save him. So I made the decision to project his personality, his appearance, him into a time when I could meet him again. I moved into the city a few months later, thinking that it would probably be fifteen years before I met you. I thought that—That if I was in the city, I'd be more accessible to the Shadowhunters and I would be more likely to come in contact with you."
"And it's been—"
"A hundred years," Magnus said, looking into Alec's eyes.
"But—Why? Why was Alexander going to you?"
To tell the truth or not to tell the truth: That is the question.
Magnus sighed deeply looked down at their hands.
"*Vita infinita," he said.
He could feel the change in Alec's pulse, its quickened pace, and looked up at him.
"He was coming to me beca—"
"That's illegal!" Alec whispered, as though they were talking about something vulgar. "You could have been killed if anyone found out that you had used that spell—"
"And I was willing to take that chance," Magnus replied, staring into Alec's eyes and willing him to see that it was a choice he had made as well. It wasn't just Magnus... It was both of them.
"How could he do that? Just leave his family?"
Magnus sighed again. "We had come up with a plan to stage his death, much like his actual death. He would be injured, I would go to help, say there was no hope, and sign that he had died from the attack. Then we would have taken his body—"
"We?"
"He wasn't going to do it unless his sister gave him her blessing. It's why he was coming that night: He had finally gotten her blessing."
"How could someone agree to that? The Accords strictly state—"
"Alec, the Accords weren't even a thought at this time. It was strictly an unseen war between the Downworlders and the Clave. The difference was that some of us worked for both sides, myself included."
Alec stared.
"It wasn't well received when the spell was used, and sometimes Shadowhunters did kill those who had used it or whom it had been put on, but it wasn't a strict penalty like it is today."
Magnus, at this point, was happy that Alec hadn't evaporated into the air or turned into a pile of ash. This meant that the spell was complete and that this was the point they had to move forward from.
"Do you—Do you expect me to do that?" Alec asked, looking pale.
Magnus hadn't exactly been expecting the question, but he immediately knew he was walking a double-edged sword. He decided to go with the safer answer rather than the one he wanted to give.
"Only if you want to, Alec. I can't force you to do anything," he said, looking down at their clasped hands. He could feel Alec's becoming slightly clammy, like he was nervous.
"What if--" Alec broke off, seeming to change his mind.
"What is it?"
"What about *Novus Letalis?" Alec asked. As soon as the words left his mouth, he seemed surprised that he had said them.
Magnus felt a chill run down his spine at the very thought of the spell and let go of Alec's hands.
He wondered if this is how Alexander had felt when he had asked him to give up his mortality for a forever with Magnus. But Alec was asking Magnus to give up his immortality for mere years with him.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have—"
"No, Alec, it's fine. I'm just... It's not something you hear everyday," Magnus said, not looking at Alec.
"I don't think anything I've heard tonight is something you hear everyday."
Magnus took a breath and started to explain what was going through his head. This, of course, was assuming he could grasp at it as it flew by.
"Vita infinita has the purpose of stopping the aging of a human or mortal Downworlder. Warlocks generally stop their aging when their human bodies and demon powers are fully developed." Alec nodded in understanding. "The spell can only be used on a willing person, it cannot be forced, but it generally holds a negative connotation, all the same." Alec nodded again. Clearly, he had heard all of this before. "It's not a painful spell, other than the fact that it severely weakens the caster for a period of time, during which the energy is transferred, in a way, to the other person, to ensure that their body can handle the transformation."
Magnus paused and stood, starting to pace.
"It grants an ageless life, but the person can still die in some circumstances. I could die, I'm just not going to die of the common cold or any other mortal diseases. It would take a lot to kill me." He turned to Alec, who was looking at him from the bed and appearing to be concerned with the thought of Magnus dying.
"Novus letalis is very different. Generally it is only used by warlocks on warlocks. Most specifically, it is used on oneself once one decides that he or she no longer wants to go on in this life. It is rare, but it does happen." He paused. "It is excruciatingly painful and some don't even survive the casting of the spell. It's a matter of determination, but usually by the time of the casting of the spell, one has lost most of the will to live. Even those who want to continue living simply can't because of the drain of the spell." He looked away from Alec and to himself in the mirror, meeting his own eyes. "There have only been three instances of a warlock surviving, and each died within five years of the completion of the cycle."
"But you're strong," Alec said, standing and walking over to him. Magnus didn't break the eye contact he was holding with himself until Alec was standing within reach.
"I've been weakening since you started to remember things," he admitted. "Ever since the first flash, with the white light some weeks ago, I've been losing my strength because it's going into you, making you remember. Even when you weren't around me, I knew you were going through things because I would feel sick."
"But now that I know everything—"
"It will take time for me to build my strength again," Magnus said. "I have to open a portal for your family to get to Idris. That will take a lot of energy that I don't have right now."
"We have time," Alec said. "You could do it. I know you could."
"Are you only saying this because you fear that you wouldn't make it through the cycle of Vita Infinita?" Magnus asked. "Are you afraid that something will go wrong? Because there is time for that, as well. There is time for me to gain my strength, for you to go to Idris a final time, to say goodbye to your family—"
Alec looked down at the ground. "I can't."
"If you thought about it, Alec, you would see that it's the best option here," Magnus said, putting one hand on Alec's shoulder and the other on his waist. "We'd have all the time in the world to get everything else right."
Alec muttered something under his breath.
"Hmm?" Magnus said, leaning closer to hear him.
"I can't leave Jace," Alec replied.
Magnus took a step back, releasing Alec.
"It's not that I have any feelings for him, not anymore, but I couldn't do something like that to him. He's losing everything, Magnus. Everything. I can't add to that. There's so much going on right now with him—"
"So get his blessing. Alexander got his sister's blessing. You can get your brother's," Magnus replied. "He'll understand. It may take some time, but we have that, Alec, we do. We have the time. As long as you don't go off and do anything stupid in Idris, we'll have the time to get everything we could possibly need."
Alec looked down.
"I need to think about this," Alec said, staring down at his feet.
"I know."
"Will you think about it?" Alec asked, looking up at him.
Magnus took a breath. "I will."
Alec sat back down on the edge of the bed. Magnus followed a moment later and put an arm around Alec's waist.
"It's nearly five," Magnus noted.
"I should go back to the Institute."
Neither of them moved.
"You could stay," Magnus said.
"I shouldn't."
They remained seated on the bed for another moment before Alec seemed to have a change of heart and began to scoot back into the center of the bed.
"I guess I could. They won't be looking for me..."
Magnus followed Alec and pulled him into his arms. As Alec fell asleep, Magnus wondered what he had agreed to moments before. But for now he just wanted to have what he was holding so close to his heart: Alec. His Alec.
All that was standing in the way was Jace.
Again.
---
*Asmodeus was chosen because in the Book of Tobit, he kills a woman's husbands (seven of them) on the wedding night to ensure that the marriage isn't consummated. I thought that since Alexander was on the way to consummate their relationship in a different way, this was fitting.
*Vita infinita: "endless life," via my friend the Latin-speaker.
*Novus letalis: "New mortality" via a different Latin-speaking friend.