I apologize for not having this fic done by this time as I planned. But just read on, I'll add the 3rd part as soon as I can.
On Christmas morning, Brian enters Stewie's room to wake him up and open gifts. But Stewie is already awake, sweating heavily and his eyes bulging. He holds a drawing in his hands.
"Merry Chr-" Brian stops upon noticing Stewie is already awake. "... How long have you been up?"
"All night, no sleep." Stewie answers.
"Are you ok?" Brian asks. "You look like a dude going through withdrawal."
A man sits on his sofa, going through withdrawal. He is sweating heavily and his eyes are bulging. Several of his friends enter and start smoking joints with each other.
"Hey guys, can you spare me a joint!?" the withdrawing guy asks.
"Sorry Jeff, you said you wanted to quit." one of his friends says. "You gotta keep your word."
"Hey, let's tease him by smoking in front of him!" another friend says.
They continue smoking joints in front of Jeff. Jeff could only watch, and he cries in frustration.
"No no Brian, I'm fine. I'm totally fine. Fine as a fiddle!" Stewie says. "I never felt any better than I do now. I'm so freakin happy that I forgot to smile."
"If you say so." Brian says, leaving. Stewie looks at his drawing, and we see that it's of him decapitating Bertram with a lightsaber.
Lois takes Stewie down to the living room with the rest to open gifts.
"Ok kids, it's time for... OH MY GOD!!!" Lois screams upon discovering that all the presents are gone.
"OH NO, NOT AGAIN!!!" Meg shouts in frustration.
"Who could've done this?" Lois asks angrily. Peter quietly tiptoes out of the room, indicating that HE used their presents to supply the other kids as Santa.
"So we can't celebrate Christmas?" asks Chris. Then the doorbell rings. Lois opens it...
...and sees Santa Claus!!!
"SANTA!!!!!" the whole family yells. As they run over, Santa takes out the remote and presses a button to stop time, freezing everyone except Stewie in their tracks (like the movie "Click").
"What the deuce!?" Stewie asks in suprise, then Santa's stomach opens up, actually being a robot controlled from the inside by Bertram. "BERTRAM!!!"
Stewie immediately pulls out his bazooka and fires a round, but Bertram leaps out from his Santa robot, which is blown up instead. Bertram draws his blaster and fires at Stewie, who draws his own blaster and fires, but it's quickly blown out of his hands. Bertram fires more shots, but Stewie dodges (even leaning backwards in slow motion, as in "The Matrix"). Then Stewie jumps behind the couch, then emerges with a lightsaber and parries Bertram's shots. Bertram brandishes his own lightsaber, then they have a fierce duel. They lock sabers...
"How did you find my house!!!?" Stewie asks demandingly.
"You didn't notice, Stewie? I hid secret camera's all over my house, yard and block!!!" Bertram answers.
They leap from each other, then Stewie catapults off the time-frozen Chris's stomach to launch himself towards Bertram. Bertram dodges and dashes towards Stewie, who ducks under his swing and jumps behind the time-frozen Meg's head. Bertram leaps towards Stewie but Stewie leaps off, with Bertram's swing slicing off Meg's hair up to her hat! The 2 babies clash all over the living room and into the kitchen, where we see the time-frozen Peter hanging up the phone. After clashing sabers with Bertram, Stewie leaps onto the table.
"It's over, Bertram!" Stewie says. "I got the high ground!"
"You underestimate my power!" Bertram says.
"No Bertram, don't do it!" warns Stewie, but Bertram jumps. Stewie chops off Bertram's hand, and Bertram screams in pain as his lightsaber falls to the floor near Peter. But then Bertram laughs. Stewie glances in confusion...
"HA, HA!!!" Bertram shows his real hand, then Stewie sees that the hand he chopped off was prosthetic. Stewie drops down, then tries to use the force to draw Bertram's lightsaber towards him. But then he remembers that he isn't a Jedi.
"DAMMIT, I'M NOT A JEDI!!" Stewie shouts, then runs up to Bertram's lightsaber and destroys it with his own. But while he's doing this, Bertram trips Peter, who falls on Stewie and crushes his lightsaber's handle. Stewie crawls out.
"So I guess this one's a draw." Stewie implies.
"Agreed." Bertram says. "But what were you doing at my house?"
"You took Lidanne away from me!" Stewie answers angrily.
"Ohhhhhh, so you wan't Lidanne back, eh!?" Bertram asks with interest. "I'm assuming a love relationship!?"
"You don't deserve her." says Stewie.
"Nonsense, she and I have the most fantastic times!" Bertram says. "Like on Valentine's Day!!!"
Flashback- Bertram leads a blinfolded Lidanne into her living room. She removes the blindfolds, and sees a huge chocolate sculpture- consisting of Bertram handing her flowers while keeping other babies back with a chainsaw.
"Wow!!! Thanks so much, Bertram!!!" thanks Lidanne. "I got you something, too!!!"
She gives Bertram a small box of chocolates.
"Aw, you shouldn't have!!!" Bertram says happily.
End Flashback
"Go ahead and enjoy her company while you still can, boy!" Stewie says. "Because I'M gonna get her back one way or another! Just give me til..."
"How does New Years sound!?" suggests Bertram. "Lidanne will be babysitting me at her place on that night! We'll meet there and prove who's the better baby for her to babysit!"
"For once I agree!" Stewie says. "Just gimme her address and play well when the night comes, for at the stroke of midnight she'll be mine!!!"
Bertram gives Lidanne's address slip to Stewie. "See you then, Stewie!" he says, laughing evilly as he hops out the window. He takes out his Click remote and resumes the time flow, then he takes off on his snow-mobile. Stewie heads up to his room to think of his plan against Bertram.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH, MY HAIR!!!" screams Meg from the living room. Peter goes up to Lois.
"Lois, the guys are comin over and they'll put on a puppet show for Christmas!!!" he says.
"That's wonderful, honey!!!" Lois says, hugging Peter.
"So you forgive me for dressing as Santa and giving away all our gifts to little kids I saw at the mall!?" Peter asks.
"What?" asks Lois.
"Nothing..." Peter says.
Stewie speaks to Rupert in his room.
"I can't believe I have absolutely no ideas to utilize against that little bastard." he says to Rupert. "I've formulated ploys for world domination and for killing that red-headed bitch of a mother. Oh my God, I must be having the worst mental block since Thomas Edison."
Flashback- Thomas Edison is hunched over on his desk, thinking of what else to invent.
"Ok, so I made the light bulb, telegraph, phonograph, carbon microphone, the stock ticker, the kinetoscope, and the first industrial research laboratory. Boy I can really go for another patent right now." Edison says.
"How about the flauroscope?" an assistant asks off-screen.
"Don't talk to me about X-rays, I'm afraid of them." Edison says.
End Flashback
Then Stewie hears Cleveland, Joe and Bonnie, and Quagmire coming in.
"Merry Christmas, the puppeteers are here!" says Cleveland.
"Awright, it's showtime!" Quagmire says.
"Where's Peter, we gotta rehearse." says Joe.
The Griffins watch as Cleveland, Joe, Bonnie and Quagmire prepare the puppet show. Meg is wearing a cheap, ragged wig now.
"Mom, I hate this wig." Meg complains.
"It's the best we got right now, honey. Just wait til after the commercial break." says Lois.
The puppet show starts, and Joe's puppet (the narrator) comes on: "We now present to you... Holiday Happenings!!!"
Bonnie's and Quagmire's puppets come on.
"Hello, Mr.Q!!! What Holiday Happenings have you been doing!!!?" asks Bonnie's puppet.
"Holiday Happenings!? Oh, I'll show you Holiday Happenings, tutz!!!" Quagmire's puppet says as it unbuttons and removes its shirt.
Cleveland's puppet (a black Santa) comes in: "Stick to the script, Glenn."
As Stewie watches the show, he gets an idea...
"By God, that's the answer! A performance!!!" Stewie thinks to himself. He rushes off as the puppet show continues...
"Oh I'm sorry, Santa." Quagmire's puppet says, putting its clothes back on and leaping from Bonnie's puppet. "I wasn't about to bang this incredibly hot chick on Christmas! I'm a good boy!!!"
"You've been a bad boy, Mr.Q! You gon' get it!" Cleveland's Santa puppet says, readying a stick and chasing Quagmire's puppet. The act closes, and Joe's puppet comes on.
"We'll be back after this commercial break." Joe's puppet says, then the real Joe chases the real Quagmire out of the house.
"I'LL TEACH YOU NOT TO HIT ON MY WIFE!!!" he screams as he chases Quagmire down the street.
End of Part 2!!!
What is Stewie planning for his performance for Lidanne? Will he outdo Bertram? How will the Griffins' New Year go? Find out all of this on Part 3!!!