New Years Eve has finally come. Cleveland, Quagmire, the Swansons, and the Goldmans have all gathered at the Griffin House for the New Year party. They watch the ball in New York City on TV. In Stewie's room, Stewie is pinpointing the location of Lidanne's house on a map when he hears Lois coming upstairs.
"Oh not her again." Stewie utters.
"Stewie, I got your Baby New Year outfit!" Lois says as she approaches Stewie's doorway with his New Year outfit. Stewie is appalled.
"GO AWAY, I'M BUSY!!!" Stewie slams his door in Lois's face and locks it with a dozen various locks and a shackle. "Sheesh, Lois making me wear that grotesque outfit is more annoying than the Fatman singing that stupid Barney song for a whole day."
Flashback- The family is eating breakfast. Then Peter comes in, singing "I Love You" as he enters and annoying the whole family.
Later, the family is going on a ride. Peter continues to sing "I Love You" as he drives, annoying the family even more.
When they return home, Stewie and Brian are watching TV on the sofa. Peter walks by, still singing "I Love You." Brian and Stewie are really sick of the song by now.
"God, make it stop." Brian and Stewie say.
At night, Peter puts Stewie to bed. Then he sings "I Love You" as a bedtime song. Stewie finally loses it and whacks Peter with a mallet, knocking him to the ground with a bloody nose.
"JEEZ MAN, SHUT UP!!! JUST SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY AND LEAVE ME!!!" Stewie screams at Peter. "And don't you dare sing that James Blunt song tomorrow."
End Flashback
Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire are leaving to buy liquor for the party.
"Hey Lois, we're goin to buy liquor."Peter says. Then he notices that Mort isn't going with them. "Hey Mort, you comin with us?"
"I prefer not to, I got liver problems." Mort answers. "Besides, I've done some things, and I don't want alcohol exposing any of it."
Knowing what Mort means, Quagmire pulls his collar nervously as he may expose his love for Lois under the influence of alcohol.
As they guys drive into town to buy liquor, Stewie rolls out and off the street from clinging under the car, wearing winter gear. He stands in front of Lidanne's house, with Bertram waiting for him just outside the door.
"I hope you're ready, Gilligan!" says Bertram.
"It's on! I'm gonna go up like Spears, and you're gonna go down like Winehouse!" replies Stewie. "I just hope Verne Troyer could hold out for me long enough. He owed me a favor."
Verne Troyer is Stewie's replacement at the Griffins' New Year Party, disguised as Stewie. Lois comes up and urges him to try on the Baby New Year outfit.
"Come on, Stewie. Don't be so stubborn." Lois says.
"I'LL KILL YOU, WOMAN!!! JUST YOU WAIT!!!" Troyer shouts as Stewie.
Inside, Lidanne is cooking in the kitchen. She sees Bertram and Stewie enter.
"Oh hey Stewie! What are you doing here!?" she asks.
"He and I have been playmates since the dawn of time!" Bertram answers. "And tonight, we're each gonna put on a performance for you! Here's our opening act!"
Stewie and Bertram break into dance, singing "We're Brothers:"
Stewie, Bertram:
"We're brothers!!!
We're happy and we're singing and we love you!!!"
(jingle)
"Gimme a hi-five!!!"
Stewie and Bertram hi-five each other. "YEAH!!!"
"THAT WAS WONDERFUL!!!" comments Lidanne.
"Ok, we're gonna go get ready now!" Stewie says as he and Bertram enter the living room to get ready.
"Break a leg, Stewie!" says Bertram.
"Thanks!" thanks Stewie.
"No really, BREAK a leg!" Bertram says.
Lidanne sits on her sofa with her family as Stewie performs first. He re-enacts Orsino's famous monologue from "The 12th Night:"
"If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that surfeiting,
The apetite may sicken and so die.
That strain again! It had a dying fall;
O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound
That breathes upon a bank of violets,
Stealing and giving odor. Enough, no more.
'Tis not so sweet now as it was before.
O spirit of love, how wquick and fresh art thou,
That, notwithstanding thy capacity
Receiveth as the sea, naught enters there,
Of what validity and pitch soe'er,
But falls into abatement and low price
Even in a minute. So full of shapes is fancy
That it alone is high fantastical...
O, when mine eyes did see Lidanne first,
Methought she purged the air of pestilence.
That instant was I turned into a hart,
And my desires, like fell and cruel hounds,
E'er since pursue me."
Lidanne and her folks clap.
Bertram then performs, singing "The Way You Look Tonight." He even takes Lidanne's hand to dance with her during the instrumental part. After he finishes, he gets as much applause as Stewie.
"Top that, football head!" Bertram says to Stewie.
"Hymph." Stewie gruffs. "You sounded like a sheep gettin beaten to death with a bagpipe."
Flashback- A Scotsman is on a hill, beating one of his sheep relentlessly with a bagpipe. The sheep screams in agony as he gets beaten.
"AAAAH!!! AAAAH!!! WHY, WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG!!!?" the sheep asks.
"Your wool sucks." The man flatly answers, then continues beating the sheep to death. Several other sheep watch nearby.
"Damn, sucks to be him." one of them says.
End Flashback
Back at the Griffin home, Peter and the guys return with the liquor.
"WE'RE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!" the guys announce. Everyone, including Troyer, gather around to have their cups filled.
Back in Lidanne's house, Stewie and Bertram compete fiercely to win Lidanne:
1. Stewie sings "Billie Jean" with dancers in the background.
2. Bertram, dressed as a ringmaster, whips a bunch of lions and makes them jump through several flaming rings.
3. Stewie stands on one hand, blows a torch, and juggles chainsaws on his feet, ALL at the same time.
4. Bertram clones himself somehow, and they play together as a rock band. (afterwards, he kills the clones behind the scenes so they don't rebel)
5. Both Stewie and Bertram, both dressed in hip-hop attire, have a rap battle.
6. Both Stewie and Bertram have a breakdance battle.
Through all of this, Lidanne and her family woop and applaud the 2 babies. Stewie and Bertram go into the kitchen, where Bertram's dead clones are shoved into the garbage.
"Anything else up your sleeve, Bertie?" asks Stewie, out of breath.
"I'm out of ideas." Bertram answers, also out of breath. "You?"
"So am I." answers Stewie, who takes a deep breath.
"Then it's time to ask Lidanne who threw the better show!" Bertram suggests.
As Lidanne and her family watch the countdown on TV, Stewie and Bertram come up to her.
"Hey Lidanne, we were just wondering if you and your folks would like to judge us on our acts!" says Stewie.
"One of us has to be better one!" adds Bertram. "So, which one is it!?"
Lidanne doesn't know who to pick. "Gee boys, um..."
Lidanne and her family wonder who to pick. Dramatic music plays as we see close-ups of Stewie's and Bertram's sweating faces, like a reality show elimination.
But before the final decision is reached, the phone rings. Lidanne goes to pick up the phone, and returns after the unheard conversation.
"Hey Bertram, I don't have to babysit you anymore." she says. "Your parents are sending you to daycare!"
"WHAT!?" Bertram shouts in despair. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
"HA HA HA HA HA !!!" Stewie laughs. "So you're coming back to my house, beautiful!?"
Lidanne gets another phone call, then returns. "Sorry Stewie, I'm babysitting another toddler now."
Stewie and Bertram are silent with suprise and shock.
The countdown reaches 0, and everyone in town shouts "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!" Everyone at the Griffin house rejoice with each other happily with the coming of the new year. But then they see Verne Troyer, still disguised as Stewie, but he is drunk and is peeing all over the walls.
"Wow, I never saw Stewie so wasted." Peter says.
"Hymph, talk about 'Goldmember'." says Brian.
The End!!!
As the ending credits roll, Stewie has once again tracked Lidanne to the house of whom she is babysitting. He hides in a bush.
"Let's see who it is this time." he says, pointing his binoculars through a window. Inside, he sees Lidanne babysitting Janet, Stewie's first love!
"Janet!?" Stewie gasps. "Dammit!!! I better go get some cookies for this..."