Marshall's one-man Barney Intervention - expanded from "Not with you"
There was a piece of cloth hung over the screen of Barney's computer with one hand-written word "Intervention" scrawled across it. Marshall sat in the dark and waited for him, having bribed Barney's new secretary to let him in the office.
When Barney arrived and switched on the light he looked hostile and… older. How could he look so much older in only four weeks?
"How was Portugal?" Marshall said, casually.
"What is this?" Barney answered, holding Marshall's gaze, scowling as if Marshall were an irritant that needed to be got rid of.
Marshall had seen Barney do that to a few people before - especially in negotiation situations and in meetings. But he was his friend. He tried his best not to be intimidated. He'd taken the freakin' New York Bar exam, for god's sake! He'd gotten married with a half-shaven head! He could do this!
Barney glared at him, unblinkingly. Perhaps this wasn't going to be as easy as Marshall had thought.
"Okay Barney," He said, getting up from behind the desk. "This is an intervention. I know you haven't been to Portugal. I know you've been avoiding us all this time and I think I know why. It's Robin and Ted, isn't it?"
Barney's eyes narrowed, almost imperceptibly, but it somehow focused the force of his ill-will into a white-hot shaft. Marshall practically flinched at the intensity.
Still, he'd made a hit, obviously.
In the past few weeks of Barney-less-ness, Lily had slowly cracked and begged Marshall to try and sort things out. Ted had just got more and more furious at his friend, constantly bemoaning the fact that if Barney really was his friend then he'd support him instead of throwing a childish fit (again) because his wingman had hooked up with a girl. "He was never as bad as this when I was with Stella!" Ted had ranted. "He's never, ever been this bad!"
And slowly, over the weeks, Barney had ceased to be a part of their lives.
Which was weird.
Marshall would never have said that he had any kind of deep friendship with Barney. He would have explained that he didn't think Barney had ever let anyone get really close to him. But with Barney gone… he realised what a huge hole there was in the world.
Marshall couldn't give that up without a fight.
"Come on, man!" Marshall shouted, banging the desk with the flat of his hand. "I know you care about Ted. You practically killed yourself trying to get to him this summer, remember that? I know you care about Robin! She's, like, your best friend! How can you just walk away from them? Away from us? Do you know how much Lily misses you? This is ridiculous Barney!"
Barney casually shrugged off his jacked, draping it across a hanger and hooking it on the wall by the window. "Marshall, go away," he muttered, circling the desk and taking the seat behind it. "Go away and don't come back."
Marshall let out a semi-hysterical laugh. "Just tell me why? Why have you turned your back on us all? This is just insane, dude! Have you gone mad? We're you best friends! You can't just… just… what are you doing, even?"
Barney unpicked the corner of the mini Intervention banner from his computer and ripped it off the screen. Balling it into a wedge, he tossed it at the trash can, sinking it in one go. He bent over the computer and began to type.
Marshall let out a frustrated sigh. "I can't let you do this, Man!" He dashed around the desk and plonked himself down in front of Barney, sitting on (and breaking) his keyboard.
Barney looked up at him in surprise, then got to his feet, uncertainly, taking two steps back.
Marshall stood up, the plastic snapping beneath him as he did so. He backed Barney up against the wall and wrapped him up in a bear-hug, holding him tightly and stroking one hand over the small of his back as Lily had done to him so lovingly, so many, many times.
But he never felt his friend relax. Barney stood, wound up tight, every muscle rigid. And when Marshall pulled back there was one instant when he saw his friend's expression, so deeply etched with pain and terror that Marshall was afraid he'd broken him as effectively as he'd broken his keyboard.
Then the Stinson mask was back up. Cold, implacable.
Marshall slowly let go and shook his head. "I thought that there was still something good within you, man." He said. "Something real. But I guess you've just gone the full Vader on our asses?"
Even hours later, when Marshall got back to Dowistrepla and tried to explain the whole thing to Lily, the expression on Barney's face as he left still made him shiver.