Chapter 2: No figgins today, thank you!
The little seaside town of Limonum lay in the cheerful light of the late summer sun. Fishing vessels were returning with the catch of the day, sails billowing gently in the warm breeze. The long, sweeping jetty stretched out into the ocean like a protective arm. Seagulls failed to provide the customary seaside backdrop of soaring shapes against the deep blue sky, bobbing on the water like apples for dunking instead.
The owner of the Pearl of Ankh had hastily prepared his best room for the unexpected guests, and while his lordship's personal cook was terrorizing the kitchen staff, the man himself was taking a stroll by the harbour with his wife. They were too busy enjoying deep breaths of fresh sea air to be talking much. When they reached the point where the sands began, they stopped and stood quietly side by side.
"We played a strange game that time I came out here with Henry, Goldy and Tvoolia," said Angelina. She sheltered her eyes against the sun with her hand as she looked out over the beach.
"Do not hesitate to tell me more."
"Oh, Henry ordered us to find treasure, and then Tvoolia made us think whether the items we picked up stood for the desires of our lives. It seemed to work out, oddly enough: Tvoolia had a cockle shell for love, Goldy a coin for wealth and Henry a stick for social status."
"No doubt you had a glass bottle to represent an unlimited budget for test tubes."
Angelina laughed briefly and shook her head.
"I told them that all I wanted in life was just to be myself."
There was no reply from Vetinari, just attentive silence.
"It wasn't the truth, though," she continued eventually.
"It wasn't?"
"No, because I had chosen a piece of egg shell. I was surprised that none of the others understood the clue."
Vetinari said nothing. Angelina turned towards him with a pleading look in her eyes, and for the first time ever, he didn't meet her gaze, but scanned the horizon instead . After a while, he put his hand on her shoulder and said softly:
"I do not think that would be a very good idea, Angelina. It would lead to more complications than you can imagine."
She turned aside, her shoulders sagging, and briskly walked away towards the jetty. Vetinari caught up with her when she reached a cluster of sailing boats that were being moored for the night. The sailors, wiry and weather-beaten, were calling to each other in short phrases that were cryptic to any outsider. Angelina slowed her pace and watched them as wood creaked, canvas rustled and coils of rope passed from hand to hand.
"Would you enjoy a little marine excursion?" asked Vetinari.
She hesitated. It was a meagre compensation, a booby prize even, but when she looked at it as a peace offering, she could not really refuse. Besides, she had actually been wishing for a boat trip.
"Yes, that would be delightful," she said quietly.
While Vetinari negotiated with the owner of a sleek green sailboat, Angelina let her gaze wander along the jetty, then fixed it at the point where the stone wall ended. She recalled the sounds and smells of the cheerful day with her friends and her brother. It had been a similarly sunny day, and her heart had been filled with poetry. Was her lot any better now, with her true wish denied? What was the point of a grandiose husband, if he squashed her hopes without batting an eyelid? She wanted to run along the jetty, run along the beach, just get away from him. Just as her feet began to move, she felt Vetinari drawing her arm into his and steering her back towards the Inn.
"No running away, Lady Vetinari! I dare say we shall have a charming trip tomorrow."
She made no reply, but allowed herself to be led along.
"And yet you are displeased. What am I to do, Angelina?"
Another memory crept into her mind, of a dim afternoon in the university library, of poetry books, of verses that spoke of dark shores and futile love. Could she honestly say that the true wish of her heart had not been granted? She touched the watch that hang from a chain around her neck, then she looked up at him and smiled.
"I'm sure it will be delightful. But I am so hungry. It's still an hour till dinner time. Do you think we could find a bakery somewhere?"
His lordship grinned. "I shall get you a figgin, Angelina, even if I have to use diplomatic ploys."
oOoOo
When the couple had disappeared around a corner, the door of The Blue Lias Inn opened and a tall female figure stepped out. She wore an ankle-length grey cloak and a wide-brimmed hat. Without hesitation she approached the green sailboat and addressed the skipper. After some debate, a bag of assorted currency changed hands 1) and the sailor began hurriedly conferring with his mate. The lady, having fulfilled her quest, summoned her coach and departed hubwards.
1) The sailor didn't know what a Rhinu was, but he knew solid gold when he saw it.
oOoOo
The staff dinner at Unseen University was an even more splendid affair than usual. The wizards had reasoned that since the wedding buffet had been prepared and served on university premises, there was no point in removing the leftovers to a different location. The half-emptied platters of stuffed artichokes, ginger-glazed lobster, filo seafood parcels and what-have-you 2) served as convenient side dishes to the wizards' regular fare. Sadly, there was nothing left of the wedding cake. Mrs Winter had insisted that every guest was presented with a piece of cake wrapped in tissue paper to take home. Even though the cake had been of almost Johnsonian proportions, eight-hundred guests had carried away every last bit of it.
"Well, well." Archchancellor Ridcully applied a generous helping of wow-wow sauce to his smoked trout rissoles. "So that's old Vetinari married now. Who'd have thought it! He seemed set to be a life-long bachelor."
"I would have thought that would be the sensible choice for a man in his position," remarked Ponder Stibbons. He had never quite seen the point in girls. That is, he saw the point in a general way, as a means of supplying the next generation of wizards, but he had never understood why otherwise reasonable - well, kind of reasonable - men would get so animated in the presence of women. Whenever he recalled the odd behaviours of some of his senior colleagues during their adventures on Mono Island and Fourecks, he shuddered.
"It is human nature to seek a soul mate," said the Bursar in a rare moment of sanity. The other wizards stared at him.
"Well, yes," said the Lecturer in Recent Runes and surreptitiously scanned the table for the dried frog pills. "But what's a soul mate, when you look closely? Just somebody to quarrel with about the bills, in most cases."
The Senior Wrangler slowly shook his head. "The good housekeeper, the excellent cook - that kind of woman would warm any man's heart..."
"Ah, a woman, who knows her own mind and is swift on her feet," said Ridcully, a dreamy expression creeping into his face. "What do you say, Dean?" He nudged the Dean with his elbow.
"Pardon?" The Dean had been paying no attention to the conversation, busy as he was with polishing off the rest of the champagne-apricot mousse. On being addressed by Ridcully, he tried to swallow hastily, choked and coughed an unexpected hard object onto his plate. He regarded it with scorn, but suddenly he whistled through his teeth.
"Now, look at this!"
The other wizards craned their necks. The Dean inspected the object closely, then he handed it round for scrutiny by his colleagues.
It was an apricot stone. Unlike the common stone, it had a smooth, shiny surface, and on it fine silvery lines formed a tiny picture.
"Looks like a boat," said Ridcully, holding it up to catch the light. The lines indeed formed an image of a miniscule sailing vessel, and with a bit of imagination one could make out two infinitesimal figures at one end. "I wonder what that's supposed to mean?"
"Somebody's going on a sailing trip. Well, as long as it's not me," said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. "I've had enough for a life-time."
The other wizards nodded in agreement. Life on board a ship, any ship, never held the appropriate number and size of meals.
2) What-have-you is a very popular dish in some parts of the Sto Plains.
oOoOo
The next morning arrived with a brisk wind and dazzling sunlight. Limonum was busy with the day's trade long before the guests at the Inn arose. Breakfast for the Patrician 3) had been served in a small private room adjacent to the main dining hall. Near a window overlooking the sea the table was set with fine china, silver cutlery and a well-meant, but pathetic looking bouquet of mildewed Michelmas daisies. The Vetinaris attended to their meal, she with a hearty appetite, he with intricate movements and a minimum of actual consumption.
"You haven't touched the figgins," observed Vetinari.
A sudden suspicion arose in Angelina. She had heard of Nimphium and vaguely remembered that it had been so widely used by the ancient Curavians, that it had become extinct. 4) There were probably other herbs with similar propensities. Was it possible...?
She gave him a shifty look and tried to gauge the possibility of him having drugged her figgins with a contraceptive. It wouldn't be like him, or would it? Maybe not. Still, he deserved a spot of teasing.
"I'm not in the mood for sweet things," she replied. "The scrambled eggs were rather good, but I have a strange craving for something more ... salty. Do you think they'd bring me a kipper?"
With both eyebrows nearly touching his hairline, Vetinari let his knife and fork sink. Angelina prepared to savour his perplexity, but she couldn't keep a straight face. He saw the twitching at the corners of her mouth immediately and gave her a reproachful look.
"That was rather tasteless, Angelina!"
"Oh, let me have a little joke. At least in that you could indulge me."
"I expect you to show some decorum."
"On our honeymoon? You are a cruel master. Very well, I shall be serious and serene."
"You are still smirking. Exercise some restraint. Have you considered that I am an elderly man and you might have given me a heart attack?"
She giggled.
"Elderly indeed. Now you've overdone it. I can see you grinning inwardly."
With a brisk flick of the wrist, Vetinari halved an orange.5)
"I'm afraid I shall have to dispose of you, Angelina. You know me too well."
The arrival of a waiter put an end to their banter. They declined the offer of more coffee and instead went back to their room to dress for the outdoors. Considering the warm weather, Vetinari initially confined himself to shirt and breeches, but at the last minute changed his mind and slipped into his robe. Angelina wore one of her usual navy dresses and a head scarf in view of the wind. Thus attired, they made their way along to the harbour.
3) The wife, from the landlord's point of view, was a mere appendix to the great man.
4) As had, ironically, the Curavians.
5) If anybody thinks that the knives in the Inn couldn't have been quite that sharp, they are quite sharp themselves.
Half an hour later they looked back at the gradually shrinking prospect of Limonum and ahead at a glittering, rippling sea. They were comfortably seated at the prow enjoying the salty breeze, while the two sailors did inexplicable things with the rigging. Angelina recited marine poetry to Vetinari, which might have been a subtle form of revenge. In any case, his lordship looked increasingly uneasy. After a while, he addressed the skipper:
"Why do we have a rowing boat in tow?"
"That's the life boat, sir. In case this one sinks. Health and safety regulations these days."
"Do you expect this vessel to sink?"
"Wouldn't say so, sir, but you never know, do you?"
"I beg to differ. I generally know very well, as far as my vocation is concerned. I would have assumed the same for you."
"Whatever you say, sir." The sailor shrugged his shoulders.
Vetinari returned his attention to Angelina, who had run out of verses she knew by heart and had settled for humming under her breath. She stopped as soon as she saw her husband's gaze and smiled self-consciously. From the corner of her eye, she noticed a movement out on the ocean and looked round.
"Dolphins! Look, I think there are dolphins out there!"
"Nay, ma'am," replied the skipper, "I wouldn't think so. No dolphins in these waters. Flying fish you've seen, most likely, or even one of our famous sea monsters."
Angelina wasn't so sure, but she felt no inclination to argue. She leaned back against Vetinari's shoulder, closed her eyes and let her mind drift. The boat trip was refreshing and pleasant, and she was grateful that Havelock – still so odd to address him like that! – had freed up this time to be with her. She understood it was a gift, a more precious wedding present even than the beautifully bound and very rare edition of Bocciani's Fragmenti. Was she happy? Probably. The previous night she had shed some tears, when she had been sure that he was asleep. By the light of day, she felt she could not reproach him. He was right, as usual, and she had to be prudent. She should be counting her blessings. The fresh air was certainly one of them, and one she was likely to think of with longing once they'd be back in the city.
She woke up with a shiver and raised her head. It was cooler and the sky had clouded over. The boat was travelling at a brisk speed on a much rougher sea and the shore was nothing but a pale bluish line in the distance.
"How long have I been asleep?"
"About an hour," said Vetinari. "I would appreciate it if you could shift your weight off my arm now."
"Of course, I'm sorry, you should have said!" She sat up quickly.
"Oh, I wouldn't have woken you. I like to watch you sleep. It gives me such a pleasant feeling of being unchallenged."
"Now, that I don't believe. You thrive on opposition. Isn't it true that you only fell for me because I was a novel type of challenge for you? And you don't need to answer that. Anyway, I'm hungry. Where's the picnic hamper?"
Vetinari pulled the basket out from under the seat and opened the lid to inspect the contents.
"Impressive. I believe there's more than even you could eat."
"There's no need to be like that, just because I have a normal appetite."
They were interrupted by the sudden shouts of the two sailors from the stern of the boat. The men pointed ahead excitedly.
"Whales!" they exclaimed. "Look at them, great big whales, right behind you!" 6)
Vetinari and Angelina turned and looked in the indicated direction. As they screwed up their eyes, they had a brief discussion about the length of time whales can remain submerged and what tell-tale signs might show where they were likely to resurface. With the waves rolling and shadows of scattered clouds drifting over the sea, it was hard to make out anything. Still, it would have been safe to say that great big whales were conspicuously absent.
Or suspiciously, as a more perceptive observer might have put it. Vetinari spun around. Angelina followed his movement and stared. The two sailors where nowhere to be seen. Ducking under the spars, they made their way to the stern of the heaving sloop as best they could. The rope that had held the life boat had been cut. Rowing towards the shore with all their might were the two sailors, already some forty yards away.
"What are they doing?" cried Angelina. "What's going on, are they scared of the whales?"
"There were no whales. What are you doing?"
Angelina had already slipped out off her dress and was standing by the gunwale in her chemise, shivering in the wind. She tugged at Vetinari's sleeve.
"Quick, get your robe off, it'll be too heavy in the water!"
"We cannot jump into the sea, that would be very irrational."
"It's irrational to let them get away! We can't sail this boat. Come on, come on quickly, we'll make it!"
The distance between their vessel and the rowing boat was increasing rapidly. Angelina desperately pulled at Vetinari's robe, but he caught her wrists and held her hands down.
"Angelina, I cannot swim! Do not look at me like that. I grew up in Ankh-Morpork, what do you expect?"
"Why can you not swim! They are getting away! What are we to do? Look, we've left it too long, they're too far away now, we'll never catch them!"
She sat down on the deck and burst into tears.
6) One of the sailors had recently taken his children to a Punch & Judy show, and like most people, these men took their inspiration wherever they could find it.