Chapter 3: Water, water everywhere
Lost At Sea!
Patrician Lord Vetinari and his wife are missing in the Circle Sea since they encountered a storm during a sailing trip off the coast of Limonum yesterday afternoon.
Reports of the disaster first spread in the picturesque seaside resort in the early evening, when two seamen reached the harbour in a rowing boat. Johnny Silver (42) and Robert Shafto (37) collapsed with exhaustion and were taken to the Blue Lias Inn for resuscitation, where they later related their catastrophic experience.
Silver, owner of the sloop Heavenly Mary, and his First Mate Shafto had taken the Vetinaris on a pleasure trip, when the party unexpectedly met with adverse weather conditions and the ship suffered structural damage. While Silver and Shafto took to the life boat, Lord Vetinari and his wife refused to abandon the stricken sailing vessel.
"We tried to talk them round, but they were just too flippin' scared of the little rowing boat. The lady held on to her husband and screamed and screamed," reported Shafto.
"We did what we could to persuade them, but in the end we had to save our own lives," added Silver. "Still, I hope they'll be lucky and get washed up on the shore before too long."
The Vetinaris, who were only married last Octeday (The Times reported), had travelled to Limonum for a surprise honeymoon. According to the owner of the Pearl of Ankh, they had intended to spend two days in the charming coastal town. The news of their accident is causing grave concern in Ankh-Morpork.
Meanwhile, search parties have set out after the storm subsided, scanning those coastal waters where, according to Silver and Shafto, the boat will most likely be found drifting.
In her sumptuously furnished apartment, Maria Susanna Sanguini read the newspaper with great satisfaction. Her slender arm rested on the back of the chaise longue and her violet eyes sparkled with glee. The report had pushed "Dulci to star in Lohenshark" onto the second page, but she did not resent that in the slightest. This was her hour of ... of triumph, yes. Nobody crossed a Sanguini like that! Out at sea, he would have ample opportunity to regret his abominable ... actions.
Then the flaw of her plan struck her. She had very explicitly instructed the sailor to make it look like an accident. Naturally, she had no intention to face any ... inconvenience. But now she realized that if it looked like an accident, then Havelock would think it was an accident and he would never know that this was her revenge. She let out a scream of rage.
Later, the maid mused that Madam Dulci was going through rather a lot of vases these days.
oOoOo
Out on the Circle Sea, the Heavenly Mary drifted in the current. After he had recovered from the moment of surprise, Vetinari had grasped the tiller, only to find it stuck in place. When he had yanked it hard, it had broken off. He had attempted to manoeuvre by adjusting the sails, but had been defeated by his complete ignorance of all things nautical. Angelina had hovered about him, trying to muster some composure, when by the sudden whirling round of something or other among the sails, she would have been dashed into the sea, if he had not, with the greatest presence of mind, caught hold of her arm. Shortly after that, the wind had picked up and the boat had rocked so alarmingly that all they had been able to do was to hold on as best they could. They had spent most of the night lying low, hoping for the storm to subside.
However, at dawn the wind had died down and now the boat was drifting along on a calmer sea. The rising sun had seen Angelina raiding the picnic hamper and forcing cucumber sandwiches 1) into Vetinari's hands. Ever since then, she had been following him about the boat while he inspected, prodded, shoved and pulled. His actions had seemed purposeful to begin with, but as the morning progressed, it became evident that he was getting nowhere. At about the same time as Dame Gina Dulci was kicking over her coffee table, he ceased his activity and sat down beside Angelina.
"I cannot work out how to turn the boat. Even with the tiller broken, it should be possible to tilt the sails in a certain way – but alas, nautical studies were not on the syllabus at my school. It also looks as if certain crucial parts have been removed. I saw them do it, but I didn't understand the significance. How very vexing."
"You are exhausted." Angelina pulled him towards her and made him rest his head on her lap. He didn't resist, which was a sure sign that he was at the end of his wits, and that worried her. It was so unlike him not to be in control of every possible situation. There was little else she could do other than to try and lighten the mood. Absentmindedly she stroked his hair while looking out over the all-encompassing sea.
"Why is it that every time I'm in a boat with an otherwise capable man, he doesn't know how to steer it?"
"There have been precedents?"
"Well, I was out in a rowing boat with Henry once, the last time I was in Limonum. He kept going round in circles and then he almost lost the oars. I think he was trying to impress Tvoolia, but he only succeeded in making us all laugh. Fortunately Goldy saved the day."
"Hmm. Trust your brother. Well, it would appear that the Assassin's Guild's curriculum is indeed to blame. I am sorry to have lost your trust about such a mundane matter."
"What do you mean?" She looked down at him, but he had his eyes closed.
"Well, that's what you said: That you trusted me, because I had never let you down."
The expression on her face was half puzzled, half amused.
"When was that?"
"On the twenty-second of May, I think, last year. When you told me that you were unable to perceive other people's guile."
"Good grief, do you remember every word I ever said to you?"
"Don't you?" He sighed and rubbed his forehead. "I have let you down. I was unforgivably overconfident in assuming that nobody would try to get rid of me because of all my ... little arrangements. Evidently, somebody thought they'd take their chances."
"Are you sure? Maybe it was just a misunderstanding ..."
"Angelina, even you cannot be that naive! These sailors abandoned us in the middle of the ocean and they somehow sabotaged the boat. Doesn't that imply to you that somebody paid them more than I did?"
"If you put it like that ..."
"And yet," he continued, "it doesn't make sense. It can't have been a premeditated plot, because nobody knew we were coming here. The boat trip was a spontaneous idea. Conspirators don't usually act on the spur of a moment. Besides, why would they involve you in it? Who would gain from your death? Somebody wants to kill you as much as they want to kill me. This isn't political, Angelina, this is personal."
She sagged, downcast by the realization of so much wickedness. Then she sat up straight again and said:
"Surely they'll send a rescue party?"
"I wouldn't depend on it."
"But you are the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork!"
"Indeed. Has it occurred to you that this might be a very good reason not to send a rescue party?"
"Oh." She was silent for some time.
"But what about Commander Vimes?"
"Unless Vimes wants to arrest the storm for treason, I can't see him getting involved. How would he know there's a crime involved? Whoever staged this will make sure it looks like an accident."
Angelina tilted her head back and rested it against the hull. She felt the sunshine on her skin and drew in the salty air. Interesting, how one's perception of things depended on one's situation. The previous day, she had been enjoying these things. Now she reflected how quickly her married situation had taken a turn for the worse. Only a few days ago she had bidden her parents farewell, confident in the life of joy and contentment that lay ahead of her. They had left her with fond embraces, reassured of her happiness. Would the news have reached them yet that their precious daughter was lost at sea? After a while she said quietly:
"I believe my people will look for us."
"Let's hope they will," replied his lordship.
1) Angelina would have preferred ham and tomato, but the landlord had packed cucumber sandwiches, as these are perceived to be genteel throughout the multiverse.
oOoOo
Dear Mama, Papa, Conrad and Karia!
No doubt you will be alarmed about the news reports that suggest Lina and Havelock have drowned in the Circle Sea. Worry not! These newspaper people always exaggerate terribly. I came down to Limonum as soon as the rumour spread in Ankh-Morpork and spoke briefly to the two sailors. They had to abandon ship, because the tiller had broken and they could no longer steer the boat. However, because it was otherwise sea-worthy, there is no reason to assume that it sank. They are expected to be drifting in the coastal waters in a local widdershins current, and there are now fifteen search parties out, who are bound to find them, if they haven't come ashore somewhere already. I have also arranged for some horsemen to check out all the beaches in that direction. I'll be returning to the city tonight, because I have business to attend to and there's nothing else I can do here at this time. There is no call for Mama and Papa to end their visit and abandon their latest grandchild. Just you stay where you are and be assured that Lina and Havelock will soon be home safely. You can tell that the newspaper people haven't got a clue what they are saying, because obviously Lina wouldn't just stand and scream in an emergency. She must have had a sensible reason for staying on board, but trust those journalists to get it wrong!
Love
Henry
oOoOo
In the Rats Chamber, the assembled guild leaders and nobles had seemed only mildly taken aback when Sir Samuel Vimes had made his appearance. It had taken him less than five seconds to realize that they had been making plans for his city without asking him. It was no less than what he had expected, but he had told them in no uncertain terms that he was a force to be reckoned with. This had met with indulgent smiles, but a complete lack of agreement.
"We are making arrangements to replace Vetinari, Vimes. Your advice will not be required," said Lord Rust.
Vimes took a deep puff on his cigar. He struggled to keep control of the fist that wanted to connect with Rust's chin.
"I think Lord Vetinari has made it quite clear on a prior occasion who he wanted to replace him in his absence."
Lord Rust smiled with the corners of his mouth only, while his pale blue eyes remained as cold and indifferent as the ocean.
"Vimes, Vetinari is dead. I knew that woman would be the undoing of him, the fool."
"You can hardly blame Lady Vetinari for the weather – Rust," replied Vimes. "And you will not declare people dead unless there is some evidence that they are. It's against the law, you know."
"Don't make a fool of yourself, Vimes," interjected Downey. "The boat has not come ashore. What other evidence do you need? There was a storm that night and another one yesterday and no doubt they are now resting at the bottom of the sea. We are all very saddened to lose Havelock, but the city needs leadership. Ronald will be Acting Patrician until we have the succession sorted properly."
"Damn he will! If anybody is going to be Acting Patrician, I will be the one! I am the Duke of Ankh and I have experience in the post. Do you want to argue with that?"
Lord Selachii gave a dry and humourless laugh.
"Commander Vimes," he said, "it may have pleased Havelock to promote you to positions of his choice and bestow a meaningless title on you, but you must realize that this is irrelevant in..."
"Meaningless, is it? We can talk about meaningless..." said Vimes and reached out to touch the handle of the axe that was buried in the table. It was a military title after all.
"Don't be stupid, Vimes," began Downey, but he was cut short by Lord Rust.
"Yes, meaningless. Only a King can make a Duke. We humoured Havelock while he was around, but now there is really no reason for us to acknowledge your so-called title. You're out of the picture, Vimes. Get on with policing. Or do you want to throw down your badge again, since you so enjoy dramatic gestures?"
Vimes looked around at the assembled dignitaries. Some pretended to be very interested in the printed agenda. Some had the decency to look uncomfortable. Rosie Palm gave him a helpless little smile and shrugged her shoulders. He ground his teeth. Only a King can make a Duke. They had him there. He had the card, but he could not play it. There was no way he would get the captain involved in this game.
Very slowly, he walked up to Rust. He put his hands on the table and lowered his head until it was level with Rust's face. Their noses were almost touching. Rust couldn't stand the stare for long and leaned back. This was the only victory Vimes was going to gain in this situation, and he knew it. He stood up straight again and gave Rust what he hoped was the most sarcastic salute in the history of Ankh-Morpork. Then he turned and walked out the door.
oOoOo
On the second day the Vetinaris had taken stock of the boat's contents. There wasn't much, apart from a few crates and coils of rope. When they had set out from Limonum, they had noticed that the fishing apparel had been removed from the vessel, and they had assumed that this had been done for their convenience. In their changed circumstances even Angelina had seen the more sinister explanation: The sailors had made sure that they wouldn't find anything useful.
The picnic basket had at that point still contained a number of highly perishable foods 2), which they had felt obliged to eat immediately, leaving only a couple of apples and a bottle of wine as further provisions. On the third day they had been hit by another, fiercer storm, which had left them clinging to the rigging. The very moment when it had occurred to them that taking down the mainsail would be a really good idea, a particularly violent gust of wind had broken off the mast. With a short explosion of snapping ropes it had plunged into the sea, narrowly missing Vetinari. If nothing else, this had made the boat rock somewhat less until the storm had died down. The ensuing downpour had soaked them to the bone 3), but had also conveniently filled the empty picnic dishes with fresh water.
The morning of the fourth day had dawned over a smooth sea. An innocent looking blue sky denied the tumult of the previous day. They had eaten the apples with a feeling of inevitability and had since been sitting in silence, each pursuing their own gloomy train of thought.
Angelina looked down into the water over the side of the boat.
"We are moving so fast. The current seems very strong here."
"About as strong as it gets, I would say. Five or six miles an hour, maybe," replied Vetinari.
"And do you know what direction are we heading?"
"Rimwards."
"Oh."
"But we are nearly five thousand miles from the rim, so I wouldn't worry about it. We are bound to wash up on an island."
At the mention of islands, Angelina perked up visibly.
"I was never very good at geography. What islands are there?"
"There is a long chain of Islands rimwards of Chimeria. They are uninhabited, I believe, probably with good reason, so though they are closest, it might not be our best luck to land there. Beyond that, it will depend on the direction we're going. Turnwise there are the Brown Islands, Widdershins there is Krull. If we hit the circumfence, we are likely to end up in Krull anyway. However..."
He looked around. There was, of course, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink.
"Yes?"
"We are unlikely to survive for that long without food or water. We will have to think of a way to catch fish, and we must hope for more rain."
"How long do you think it could take to come across an island?"
"We should brace ourselves for several weeks at sea."
Angelina's face fell. Vetinari turned towards her and stroked her cheek.
"But right now, my precious wife, we shall forget about all this and drink that bottle of wine together."
"Why?"
"Because it is my birthday." 4)
2) Another universal stereotype is that foods for the upper classes should contain a large amounts of eggs and cream.
3) Not a metaphor, but hyperbolic speech is just as bad.
4) Catch fish – my precious – it's my birthday. Do I have to spell it out for you?