Chapter 12: Concertina, please!
Angelina and Vetinari stood and watched the ship gliding into Queenston harbour. The town displayed the standard fittings of blue sea, blue sky, golden beach and lush green vegetation, and in addition to that the houses were painted red, yellow, white and a powdery blue.
"Why on the Disc are they called the Brown Islands?" asked Angelina.
"They are named after the explorer Serendipity Brown," replied Vetinari. "The indigenous population calls them Terranostra, which means home. Mahmut, please list the local visitor attractions."
"The Governor's Palace is thought to be a fine piece of architecture, sir. Your wife might enjoy the Botanic Gardens. And there is the Gallery of Contemporary Art."
"Contemporary to what?"
"Just generally contemporary, I think."
"We'll give that a miss," decreed Vetinari.
"Will we?" asked Angelina.
"Definitely so. Is there anything else, Mahmut?"
"Most visitors wind up in the Calypso Bar. The musical entertainment there is quite brilliant. I would like to caution you, though, not to stay too long. Some people find it almost impossible to leave the place again. There's a rumour about a man who stayed in there for a whole seven years."
A weary expression of understanding rippled over Vetinari's face. "Let me guess," he said. "The man's name was Lavaeolus?"
"I couldn't say," replied Mahmut. "It must have been ages ago."
"Yes, I guessed that much."
"Well, do not worry about us, Mahmut," said Angelina. "Remember, we weren't all that impressed by your last musical recommendation."
They proceeded down the gangway with moderate enthusiasm. Queenston was a good deal closer to civilization than any other port of call on their journey had been. The roads were paved, the shops well stocked and the population adequately clothed. Angelina and Vetinari set off to savour these commodities.
By the time the sun was setting, they had dutifully looked at the Governor's Palace 1), strolled along the beach and spent a couple of their remaining pearls on clothes which were of a uniform colour and entirely without patterns. The shopkeeper had given them a pile of copper coins as change, and for a good few of them Angelina had managed to acquire a straw hat from a stall by the quay. For the chief part of the afternoon though they had been walking around the Botanic Gardens, where Angelina had read every single plant label and conferred at length with one of the gardeners about the comparative merits of pimenta dioica and pimenta obscura.
As they were ambling along the waterfront, trying to decide whether or not to return to the ship, they came to a handsome whitewashed building illuminated with strings of multicoloured lanterns. A garish sign above the door declared it to be The Calypso Bar. Snatches of music wafted out into the street. Angelina looked at Vetinari.
"Please?" she said.
He sighed. "Well, if it gives you pleasure."
Inside, a multitude of people both local and foreign were crowded around rickety wooden tables. Most people were standing. There was a strong smell of rum, which was accounted for by the small forests of bottles and glasses on said tables. The same multicoloured lanterns gave light to the interior. Somewhere at the front of the room music was played, but by the entrance it was almost drowned out by the chatter.
"Wait here a minute," said Vetinari to Angelina and disappeared into the throng.
Angelina tried to look around the room, but since most patrons were taller than five foot two, she didn't exactly see very much. She craned her neck to discover how the curious sound was produced, when Vetinari came back and took her hand. He pulled her through the crowd to a small table with two empty chairs.
"This is where the acoustics are best," he said by way of an explanation.
"But how...?" began Angelina. Then she saw the band and stared at the drums. They looked like drums, but they didn't sound like drums. The players made them trill and warble and sing like nothing she had ever heard before. After a little while, her left foot began to tap. Then her fingers started knocking the beat on the table. Before long she was swaying backwards and forwards with her shoulders swinging. Vetinari sat like a statue.
The music finished and now a young man took to the stage and was greeted by frantic applause. He acknowledged it with a broad smile and began to sing. Angelina didn't notice that a drink was placed in front of her. She didn't notice that sweat was trickling down her back. She listened. Song after song pealed from the young man's mouth, evoking vibrant images of the island life, some cheerful, some serene. Eventually he launched into a song that made her frown in puzzlement.
"Do you know that man, Angelina?" whispered Vetinari.
"Not at all, I assure you. I don't know what he is getting at. I can't play the concertina, as you well know. He must mean some other Angelina."
"He just said there's only one."
"Well, it's not I."
"I was beginning to think this was maybe where Edward wound up."
"What a lot of nonsense!"
"Yes. It is time to return to the ship."
"But we've only been here a few minutes!"
"I believe if you would consult your watch, you would find it otherwise."
Later they stood by the rail on the portside, looking out over Queenston harbour. Lamps and lanterns twinkled everywhere and the moon shone brightly. The sound of the waves mingled with the gentle laughter and chatter of the people.
Half a dozen men were busy carrying bunches of bananas up the gangway onto an Agatean ship. They worked steadily, their bodies covered in sweat, their expressions serene. People walked along the quay with smooth, swinging steps and smiles on their faces. Mothers carried their infants in cloth slings on their backs. A stout woman was standing by a large basket full of coconuts, advertising her wares in a long, melodic stream of words.
"It's lovely here," said Angelina. "So calm. So sensible. Could we not stay here and wait a while? There's bound to be a ship to Ankh-Morpork soon. That must be quicker than going all the way to Klatch."
"No. I don't want to be stranded here for seven years. Even if we knew for certain that a ship home would call here soon, we couldn't be sure they'd take us without money. Or do you want to part with your watch?"
"But when we get to Klatch, we'll have the same problem. We could be just as stuck there as we were on be Trobi."
"The Morporkian ambassador in Al Khali will be able to help us."
"You always have an answer for everything!" snapped Angelina.
"I do indeed," replied Vetinari calmly.
She scowled.
"You just aren't happy to let me have any pleasures, are you?"
"Don't be irrational, Angelina. I sat for a whole hour today listening to music, just because you liked it."
"Well, I hope you haven't exhausted yourself too much!"
She strode off towards the prow of the ship. Vetinari rubbed his beard. Then he ambled towards the stern. He rounded the corner to the starboard side and caught Angelina in his arms. She stiffened, then melted and leaned into him and he felt her sob. He lifted his hand and stroked her hair.
"We will get home, Lina. I promise you will see them again."
Angelina dug her nose into his clothes and let the tears flow.
They slept soundly that night and in the morning made their farewells to Queenston. The Suleika unfurled her sails and caught the wind and ploughed onwards through the open seas.
1) The Governor's Palace was a fine piece of architecture, but there is only so much entertainment value one can get out of looking at columns.
oOoOo
Downey Does It
Lord Downey of the Guild of Assassins has been elected new Patrician of Ankh-Morpork in a surprise vote yesterday afternoon.
Civic leaders cast their ballots in the Rats Chamber yesterday after former Patrician Lord Vetinari was declared dead last week. Acting Patrician Lord Rust had resigned from office last Wednesday amidst rumours that his health was suffering.
In an uncommonly well attended session, the assembly in the Rats Chamber had to decide between three candidates: Mr Moist von Lipwig, the owner of the chairman of the Bank of Ankh-Morpork, Lord Downey, Head of the Guild of Assassins, and outsider Mrs Marietta Cosmopilite, a Quirm Street dressmaker.
Lord Downey won by a majority of only three votes. He will be sworn into office on Octeday. Directly after his election, Lord Downey spoke at a press conference in the Oblong Office. He declared his intention to lead the city to a new era of affluence and stability. "The last few months have been unsettling for many of our citizens, but I will ensure that the flag of reliability will be raised in our communities once again."
The new Patrician expects to meet with guild leaders and diplomats as early as next week. Mr von Lipwig congratulated his opponent cordially and assured him of his cooperation.
Comments:
"Lord Downey is an old friend and I will give him a hand whenever I can." Mrs Rosie Palm, Guild of Seamstresses
"It is not the winning that matters, but the taking part." Mrs Marietta Cosmopilite
"All procedures have been correctly conducted." Mr Slant, Guild of Lawyers
"Lord Downey is willing to carry a heavy burden for the public good. I wish him all the best." Ronald, Lord Rust
"Get lost!" Commander Sir Samuel Vimes
oOoOo
For five days, the Suleika was pushed off-course by uncooperative winds, until one morning the passengers awoke to the sight of land on the horizon. At breakfast, Mahmut explained to the Vetinaris that it was an uninhabited island, which was not usually part of the cruise, but that some members of the crew would have to go ashore to stock up on fresh water.
"What is the name of this place?" asked Vetinari.
"It is called Uiuiui."
"Ah, they have run out of consonants. That seems to happen a lot in these parts."
"Haha, sir, very good joke. The captain has decided to offer the passengers a land excursion, if they so desire."
"Is anybody else going?"
They looked around the room. Around them, the Agatean couples sat at their tables, leafing backwards and forwards through the thick little books 2) which they had carried on every excursion, whispering to each other and shaking their heads. Reverend Oats was nowhere to be seen. Vetinari raised his eyebrow at Angelina, and she nodded.
"Never mind, Mahmut, my wife and I will go in any case. Just let us know when the boats are ready."
"Of course, sir."
An hour later, two boats set out for the island. The beach was narrow and rocky, with crimson cliffs towering over the shore. Eight crew members, carrying four large water barrels between them, set off to where a crack in the rocks led up to the top of the cliffs. A clear brook emerged here and the men began to open the barrels. Vetinari gestured to them that he intended to climb the cliffs with Angelina. The sailors nodded. One of them held up three fingers to remind them that they were to return to the ship after three hours.
The Vetinaris followed up the narrow, stony path. The cliffs were crowned with tickets of thorny shrubs, but further inland shady woodlands stretched out, which they reached after about half an hour's walk. Angelina inhaled the aromatic smell of bark and pine needles. Glad to be away from the monotony of the shimmering sea, she ran ahead of her husband. The trees were old and crooked, a mixture of cedars, pines and olive trees. Small yellow butterflies wove their way between the trunks. The ground underfoot was a soft and dry carpet of old leaves and needles.
After a while, Angelina looked back. Vetinari was nowhere to be seen. She frowned and walked for a couple of minutes into the direction she thought she had come from, but she soon realised that the trees looked different from the ones she has passed before. She turned back and tried to retrace her steps, only to find that the ground suddenly sloped downwards and the trees opened up to a glade covered with fresh green grass. In the centre of the clearing stood a house, if that was an adequate term for a building of white marble pillars.
Angelina came closer. The building was surrounded by a kind of moat of sparkling greenish water in a white marble trough. Water cascaded down from the roof, trickled out of numerous spouts along the walls and rose from fountains placed on either side of the door. Rainbows shimmered on the spray that filled the air.
The moat was a good fifteen feet across. Angelina stood right on the edge opposite the door. While she wondered how she could get across, a slab of white marble slid out in front of her feet and connected with the far side of the moat. This seemed inviting enough, so Angelina crossed gingerly. As soon as she had reached the other side, the bridge was withdrawn. The door opened. Angelina stepped through.
Inside was a lofty room of yet more white marble 3). The light was dim and greenish and here, too, water was flowing, out of titled urns and the mouths of marble fish and from scallop shaped basins into a circular pool in the middle of the room.
Next to the pool stood a woman. Angelina blinked. The woman was tall and slim and clad in a loose flowing gown of greenish-grey silk. Her face would have been suitable for driving poets insane in desperate attempts to avoid the clichéd comparison with alabaster. Shiny black hair hung down her back almost to her ankles. She wore a necklace of iridescent opals and half a dozen silver bangles on each wrist.
"Who are you?" she said.
"My name is Angelina Vetinari. I have lost my way. Could you tell me how to get back to the big bay with the red cliffs?"
The woman came closer and looked at Angelina. Then she smiled. She gestured towards a marble chair with turquoise cushions.
"We'll see to that later. For now, please take a seat. I am Circe."
"Oh. I've, um, heard about you," said Angelina as she sat down.
"Have you?" Circe likewise seated herself on an impressive throne-like chair of a material that the reader can by now guess. She had to gather up her hair and drape it over the armrest before she could sit down. Angelina wondered briefly how the woman coped on the privy.
"You have really heard of Circe?
"Yes. There is a book about the travels of Lavaeolus and it mentions you. I have - "
"Is that so?" interrupted Circe. "How interesting."
She smiled graciously at Angelina. From a side table, she took a slim silver case and extracted a cigarette and holder. She lit up and took a puff, then cupped her elbow in the palm of the other hand and let the smoke trail up from between her slender fingers.
"It's not easy being a mythic sorceress in these parts, you know. The lack of company can drive you quite mad. I haven't had an intelligent conversation with anybody since Lavaeolus left, which was, oh, ages ago. It is such a lonely life here. Maybe I should advertise a bit? I've been thinking about little signs placed along the major shipping routes: The Circe Experience. What do you think?"
"I'm not sure - "
"I do give rather splendid dinners, you know," said Circe. "I remember, when Lavaeolus and his men where here, we started with stir fried prawns with creamed coconut and lemon grass, then marinated lamb chops with a soufflé of peacock eggs on a bed of baby spinach, followed by apricot and almond parfait. They couldn't have asked for better, could they?"
"And is it true," whispered Angelina, "that you turned all the men into pigs after the feast?"
Circe gave her a pointed look.
"They turned into pigs all right, but it was nothing to do with me. And it was during the feast, not after. Absolutely no manners! Feet on the table and everything. It was disgusting, I'm telling you, disgusting! Can you imagine, after the third course they stood up and ..." she dropped her voice, "relieved themselves into the empty soup dish!"
"Before you had gone into the drawing room?" cried Angelina, wide-eyed. "That is appalling! They should really - "
"Indeed. There was nothing for it, I had to turn them all out and insist that they stay in the woods. Lavaeolus was the only one allowed into the house. I hope you see my point."
"Quite right. I take it he was -"
"Oh, yes!"
Circe crossed her legs and cast a languid glance around the room.
"A delightful man he was, Lavaeolus, whatever faults he might have had. I wish he could have stayed longer. Pushed in the chair for me, passed the salt and everything charming. He called me bewitching, you know, and enchanting. I don't think a woman can ever get enough compliments, do you?"
"Perhaps," said Angelina. "But I think it is more important that - "
"Unfortunately, ever since then I've had a bit of ... a reputation, you might say. Well, I have drawn from it this useful lesson: that loss of virtue in a female is irretrievable, and that she cannot be too guarded in her behaviour towards the undeserving of the other sex, wouldn't you agree?"
"Well, to a certain degree," said Angelina, who had not always been completely guarded, but had suffered no ill consequences. She was beginning to find Circe's conversation rather uninspiring and felt she couldn't blame Lavaeolus for leaving the lady after three days. "I'd better be going," she said. "I need to find my way back to the ship before sunset."
"Oh, I don't think I would allow that," answered Circe, her voice suddenly sharp and cold. "I am, as I told you, starved for company, and I'd be a fool to let you go again."
She extended a hand towards the entrance, and with an ominous sound the door slammed shut. Angelina frowned.
"Really, Miss Circe, I cannot stay with you any longer. And if you would like a piece of advice, I believe people would be more inclined to spend time with you if you would work a bit on your communication skills. Talk less, listen m- "
"I cannot remember asking you for advice, woman! Who are you to tell Circe what to do? I am charming and bewitching!"
"You may very well be, but nevertheless I am going to leave now," said Angelina and tried to rise from her chair. To her dismay, she found that she could not move. Her legs seemed glued to the seat. She looked at Circe, who returned her glance with a smug expression.
"You'll be going nowhere, wench. You will do exactly as I tell you. I am Circe!"
She pointed a finger at Angelina, but froze when a shadowy figure rose beside her and a dagger was pressed against her cheek.
"How did you get in here?" demanded Circe.
"That is for me to know and for you to puzzle about for the next couple of centuries," replied Vetinari. "I have no time for long debates. You need to know that I am a ruthless man. Where I come from, I am well known to be coldblooded and despotic and to let people hang upside down over a scorpion pit. Let me assure you that I would not hesitate to adorn your enthralling features with a collection of scars, should you fail to release my wife."
"I am a sorceress. I could turn you into a hippo. Did you not see me close that door by magic?"
"Yes, yes, I've seen the rope mechanism. I believe somewhere concealed in your seat there is a lever or button that will withdraw the hooks from my wife's clothing. I suggest you activate it now. Angelina, as soon as you can get up, I want you to go through to the back room, where you will find another door. Go out and wait for my under the big cypress tree."
Circe's face was white, whether from fear or anger Angelina could not tell. The sorceress touched a part of her armrest, and seconds later Angelina felt herself free to rise. She went out the back as Vetinari had instructed her. After a couple of minutes, he joined her, and they hasted through the wood towards the shore. Two sailors were waiting by the last boat and waved to them urgently.
"What an appalling woman!" exclaimed Angelina once she sat in the boat and had caught her breath. She related the whole episode to Vetinari, who shook his head.
"Now we know the sad truth about this story, too," he said and sighed.
2) The Educated Man's Guide To The Disc, Bes Pelargic, 3rd edition. With a foreword by M Twoflower .
3) Some people just don't know any restraint when it comes to interior decoration.
oOoOo
"Mr Drumknott?"
"Yes, my lord?"
"What are all these?" Lord Downey gestured to the stacks of grey folders on his desk.
"They are reports, my lord," replied the clerk.
"And what kind of reports would they be, Mr Drumknott?"
"Minutes of the recent meetings of several guilds in the city, a report from Mr von Lipwig about the AGM of the financiers' association, transcripts from the editorial meeting of The Times - "
"Did Lord Rust order all these?" interrupted Downey.
"No, my lord. They are done as standard procedure."
"So who sets the standard?"
Drumknott straightened his shoulders.
"These procedures were introduced by Lord Vetinari, my lord. He always found that it paid to be up to date with everything that happened in the city."
"And he did that by creating mountains of paper? Well, Mr Drumknott, I intend to rely on a more people orientated approach. Take all this away and bin it, will you."
Drumknott turned pale. "But my lord -"
"Bin it!" said Downey. "We'll do without all these reports in the future. Save the trees. Haha! I'm sure Lady Vetinari would have agreed with me on that one."
"As you wish, my lord," whispered Drumknott and left the Oblong Office, clutching the folders to his chest.
oOoOo
"Tell me, Mahmut, why is the crew so on edge today?" asked Vetinari while the breakfast dishes were being cleared away.
"We've come to the Gorunna Trench, sir. It's not the route we would normally take, but we've been blown off course, as you know."
"Speaking as somebody not entirely familiar with the marine topography of this part of the Disc, I find myself wondering, Mahmut, what is so worrying about the Gorunna Trench?"
"Well, it's the sea monsters, sir. The Gorunna Trench is full of sea monsters, and we'll be lucky if we get through without meeting any."
"Ah. Thank you Mahmut."
The man bustled away with his tray full of plates and cutlery and Vetinari turned to Angelina.
"What do you think?"
"Well, we've had the Sirens, the Cyclops and Circe, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything, does it?"
"Not necessarily, but I believe we should expect some - ah, yes."
A sudden shudder rocked the ship. Agatean ladies screamed as plates and cups slid off the tables and shattered on the wooden floor. From outside came the wails of the sailors. Angelina and Vetinari dropped their napkins and rushed on deck.
The first thing they saw was the claw. It had a firm grip of the starboard side of the Suleika. It was a huge claw, covered with greyish green scales, beset with barnacles and dripping with seawater. The claw was attached to an arm, which in turn extended from a gigantic body that perched on a tiny rocky island. The body was crowned with many heads on long necks. Angelina tried to count them, but they wriggled about too much; she guessed there were at least eight. None of the heads paid any attention to the ship at the moment, because they all stared at the other monster.
During her childhood studies of Ephebian mythology, Angelina had wondered how a mere whirlpool could be considered a monster. Now she understood. The swirling waters were there all right, and might have devoured the Suleika were it not for the claw of the other monster. In the centre of the swirl the waters rose to form the figure of a woman, at least twenty feet tall, with features that were uncouth and wore an expression of sulking defiance.
"It's a sea troll," whispered Vetinari. "A very rare species."
Most of the other passengers had by now come on deck, too, and stood gaping at the two monsters.
"Why should it be yours? Don't you still have indigestion from that Agatean brig you had last week?" hissed the many-headed monster.
The watery giantess scratched her ear.
"Well, maybe a little - excuse me," - she stifled a burp - "but I'm still feeling a bit peckish."
"That is not very neighbourly, I must say!"
"Oh, have it then, if it makes you happy."
With a smug expression on all her faces, the many-headed monster lowered one of her heads and bit off the tip of the mast.
"Mistress Scylla!" called Vetinari. The heads turned to face him.
"I'm Hydra," snapped the monster. "Scylla is away on holiday to Krull. She won't be back for another month."
"Well, I hope she enjoys herself. So, Mistress Hydra, may I make a suggestion? Since Mistress Charybdis wavers her - "
"That's Miss Charybdis to you!" interrupted the other monster.
"Since Miss Charybdis waives her right to consume this ship - "
"Who says she has a right to it?" hissed Hydra. The head that did the talking continued to look at Vetinari, while the others veered round to glare at Charybdis. Vetinari turned to the watery monster.
"Apparently Mistress Hydra insists on her superior claim to the vessel."
"Superior claim? What superior claim?" snorted Charybdis and folded her arms. Her eyes were glinting at Hydra.
"Miss Charybdis doubts your credentials, Mistress Hydra -"
"Does she? Does she now? I'll give her credentials, that filthy piece of swirling water!"
"Filthy, am I?" growled Charybdis. "Well, at least I don't have a problem with multiple bad breath!"
"Let's just stay calm, shall we," shouted Vetinari. "I understand your vexation, Miss Charybdis, and your complaint that Mistress Hydra should demand such an unreasonable share of the ocean's bounty, especially in view of the fact that she is only a temporary replacement for Mistress Scylla - "
"Right you are!" replied Charybdis. "She's just some little upstart after all - "
"Insolence!" screamed Hydra.
All of her heads were turned towards Charybdis now, but the claw still held on to the ship. She bared her teeth and snarled. Charybdis pushed her jaw forwards and her shoulders back. On deck, sailors and passenger alike held their breath. Then Hydra let go of the ship and pounced on Charybdis, who had expected her move and hit her square in two of her faces with both fists. The fight didn't take long to unfold. Captain Al Batros yelled at the sailors, who scurried up the masts and along the deck in their hurry to get the ship moving. Vetinari turned away from the spectacle of the fighting sea monsters and smiled at Angelina.
However, he had triumphed too soon. The moment he turned his back, Hydra extended one of her long arms and plucked him clean off the deck. He looked minute in her enormous claw. Without relenting in her assail of Charybdis, she held him up to one of her heads and roared:
"And I'll deal with you, too, you interfering little nincompoop - "
Any further remark was cut short though by the scream of rage that escaped her when Vetinari's dagger sank into her flesh. In complete defiance of all health and safety concerns she opened her claw and Vetinari plunged into the sea.
Without inconveniencing herself much with excessive thinking, Angelina pulled off the ribbon that held her blouse in place and leapt over the rail. She hit the water in her bi-skin-knee and gasped at the cold. A wave hit her in the face and she spluttered and coughed. She wiped her eyes and looked around, treading water. To the right the two sea monsters were now locked in a deadly embrace 4) while to the left the Suleika was slowly pulling away. From the corner of her eye she saw Mahmut throwing a life ring at her, but she ignored it and swam towards where she had spotted a dark fleck just disappearing in the water. The sea was rough and she had little hope that she would reach him in time. A few seconds later she saw him coming to the surface again, struggling to keep his head above the waves. He was only six or seven yards away from her now and if he could but stay afloat for another half minute, she would be able to save him. She swam flat out, breaststroke, since she had never mastered the crawl, her eyes fixed on him. She was only three yards away, only two. Just as she stretched out her arm to grab him, an enormous gaping maw opened up and devoured him. Right in front of her eyes, a huge grey shape slid back into the ocean. She let out a cry of rage. Then she felt herself lifted out of the water by a cold, slippery and most of all humungous body.
"Hold on tight!" said the whale and carried her away.
4) There is no proof that this actually ended fatally for either of the monsters, but what's in a figure of speech, eh?
If you are puzzled about the song in the Calypso Bar, you might want to google "Harry Belanfonte" and "Angelina", and then you'll also know how my heroine got her name.