Chapter 14: The tomb of Queen Halligalli
Sergeant Colon and Corporal Nobbs of the Ankh-Morpork city watch stood on the Brass Bridge. They were each leaning over the parapet, but on opposite sides of the road. It would be nice to assume that they stood there in conscientious execution of their duties, but it is closer to the truth to say that they were engaged in a rather trivial experiment. Nobby periodically dropped an object into the river, while Colon looked over on the other side and reported whether or not that object made an appearance.
"So, pebble sinks, apple core sinks, broken bottle sinks, bananana skin floats, stick floats - "
"Stick would float anyway, Sarge," remarked Nobby.
"I knew that, Nobby. There's no need for you to tell me which things should float and which shouldn't."
"Just thought I'd mention it, Fred. No offence."
Sergeant Colon pulled back his shoulders and shifted up his stomach to adjust his belt.
"In any case, Nobby, I think it is clear that the river is slowly recovering. We are reclaiming our cultural heritage."
"Well, it's not exactly cultural, Sarge."
"You know what I mean. I mean no disrespect to the memory of Lord Vetinari, he was a decent enough man and gave us many a fine dartboard - "
"Don't forget the kettle!" said Nobby and dropped a grocery bill.
" - and a rather good kettle, I was just coming to that, Nobby, so, no disrespect to his lordship, but it was maybe just as well that he disappeared when he did. The ideas he had got from that woman were threatening the very texture of our commonunity. Paper floats."
"Who would have thought it that he'd go and marry that Envious Mental Health Officer? It's not as if she was all that pretty, either."
"You mean, unlike Miss Pushpram?"
"There's no need to be like that, Fred," snapped Nobby and kicked a dog turd into the water. "Verity is a fine figure of a woman, and she is prepared to judge a man by his hidden depths."
"Yes, she probably wonders whether there's pike in there. Dog turd sinks."
"She values a man who is in touch with his feminine side," said Nobby huffily. From behind his ear he pulled out a dog end and lit up. He expectorated loudly and spat into the river, then he took a deep puff.
"Spittle floats," reported Colon.
oOoOo
From behind a boulder halfway down a stony hill in Hersheba, Vetinari was watching Angelina running into a camp full of strangers and throwing her arms around the man with the buff coloured hat. The man, caught off balance, stumbled and almost fell, but somehow managed to remain upright. There was some exclamation on his side, he kissed her on both cheeks and then they simply stood in a close embrace. Vetinari found himself wondering whether Angelina's account of her first engagement had been entirely candid. He rose and started to walk down towards the camp. As he came closer however, and began to discern the figure more clearly, a brief smile appeared on his face. He should have known. Angelina was, after all, fairly predictable. In a leisurely pace, he approached the two figures. The man looked around when he heard Vetinari's shoes crunching on the ground.
"Hello, Havelock!" he said and grinned.
"Good afternoon ... Felix," replied Vetinari. He was not completely comfortable with the fact that his marriage had thrown him into intimate terms with virtual strangers.
Felix Winter, his left arm tightly wrapped around his sister, extended his right hand. Vetinari shook it for a full two seconds. He felt some cordiality was due to Felix, whom he considered - contrary to appearances - to be the most sensible of all Angelina's brothers.
"I'm here on a dig," said Felix cheerfully.
Vetinari looked at the tents, the camels, the men with the pickaxes. "I would never have guessed."
"But I thought you were heading off to Elharib," said Angelina. She snuggled up close to Felix. The Hershebeans were staring at her in her bi-skin-knee, disapproval written on their faces. 1)
"I was, I was, but the site I was going for had already been dug up by somebody else. There's a lot of competition in the treasure hunting business, you know. But you two had better come inside. You look half perished. And you really ought to put on some clothes, Lina!"
He led them into a tent where he seated them on not quite trustworthy looking folding chairs and provided them with water and slices of melon. Then he sat down on a leather pouf and watched Angelina. His grey eyes were shining out of his weather-beaten face.
"I am so glad to see you. I had heard that you were lost at sea."
Vetinari looked up from his melon.
"Have you had any news about the situation in Ankh-Morpork?" he asked.
"I'm afraid not. I left there the day after you did and the only communication I've had was from Henry saying that the wedding was postponed due to your disappearance."
"Poor Henry, he must be so worried," said Angelina. "And how is everyone at home, have you heard from them?"
Felix cast down his eyes. He took Angelina's hand and pressed it.
"I am sorry, but I have bad news for you, Lina. I had a message from Robert last week. Papa has passed away."
1) In rather large print.
oOoOo
Angelina spent three full days crying. On the morning of the fourth day, she emerged from the tent in breeches and a shirt belonging to Felix and declared that she was ready to get on with her life. Felix showed her around the camp and introduced her to the Hershebean men, who seemed only slightly less disapproving of her new outfit. In the afternoon, he took Angelina and Vetinari up the hill to the site of his excavation.
In an area the size of a small house, the sand and rock had been scraped away and in the centre, buried into the hillside, was a huge door. It was carved out of the same reddish rock that formed the surrounding landscape and every inch of it was decorated with strange, swirly pictograms. A considerable number of dents and fresh scratch marks bore witness that it had recently withstood a determined onslaught.
"It is a Curavian tomb. We found this entrance after about a month in the area," explained Felix. "But now I'm stuck. The door cannot be opened by force, at least not by any means I have available here. I suspect there is a stealth lock involved. If that is the case, I will have to work out what the combination for the mechanism is. I've puzzled over this for the last two weeks, but I haven't made any progress."
"Can you read the script?" asked Angelina.
"Yes, but it's of little use. It only gives the usual information. The Curavians disappeared from history quite suddenly, you know, but their language is fairly well documented. Jacques Champignon compiled this really useful glossary." He flourished a little tattered booklet. "The inscription is from the Fifth Dynasty. It declares this to be the tomb of Queen Halligalli VII and proclaims the generic threats against any intruder. But there is no clue as to what controls the door mechanism."
Vetinari stepped up to the door and inspected the pictograms with interest. He picked up the glossary, which Felix had placed on a boulder, and began to study it. Meanwhile, Felix related to Angelina the details of Queen Halligalli's life, which seemed to have involved more lovers than hot meals 2), bathtubs full of monkey's milk and for some reason a four foot cucumber.
"That's really exceptional for a cucumber," said Angelina. "They don't generally grow longer than two feet."
"Well, it seems that Queen Halligalli was rather fond of superlatives. It is mentioned in the Annals of Re'Durat that she was credited with establishing the biggest salad bar this side of the Rim Ocean," continued Felix. "Apparently there were even chiefs from Howandaland - "
A low, rumbling sound made him look round. The wings of the door had opened to the inside of the tomb. Vetinari stood on the threshold and very pointedly didn't smile. A wide grin spread on Felix's face.
"Ah! Someone appears to be smarter than me. You can explain this later, Havelock," he said and took Angelina by the hand. "Come, Lina, this is where we find the treasure!"
That evening they sat in the tent celebrating with the sweet Hershebean wine, which was drunk from shallow ceramic bowls, and discussed their plans for the following day. Felix was more animated than ever, practically glowing with pleasure and perfectly happy to give Vetinari the whole credit for cracking the stealth lock. He insisted on breaking up camp and setting off with them towards Al Khali.
"I can definitely take you as far as Syrrit. This dig is finished and we'll be leaving tomorrow anyway. There is a site in the mountains that I'd like to investigate. It's only three day's ride from there to Al Khali. If we go through Al-Ybi, we can pick up another camel or two, and I can get a couple of men to accompany you."
"That would be very convenient," said Vetinari.
"Will we come past the rubber plantations?" asked Angelina.
"No, they're closer to the rim, towards Ymituri. You found out something nasty about their rubber, didn't you? I heard though that they're doing a brisk trade with Ankh-Morpork again these days."
"Yes, we heard that, too," said Angelina gloomily.
"All the more important to get back as soon as possible and set things to right," said Vetinari.
"Will you be able to?" asked Felix.
"Havelock can do anything," said Angelina with conviction.
Felix laughed. "After you opened that door today, Havelock, I can well believe it."
"Angelina flatters me. There are many things I cannot do. I am completely useless at crocheting. And, alas, I am no sailor and I can barely swim."
After a couple more bowls of wine, Angelina slumped against Vetinari's shoulder and dozed off. The men talked for another while and then went to sleep, too. Felix woke them before sunrise to get ready for the day's journey. When they stepped out of the tent, the first blush of dawn tinted the sky. The air was cool and sharp. Everywhere in the camp men were busy, loading camels, taking down tents. One of the men came up to them leading two camels.
"This one is called Uncooperative Bottom and this is Progeny of Fallen Angel," explained Felix.
"Really?"
"No, not really. These are euphemisms. I brought them as beasts of burden, but since the treasure is not quite as big as I had hoped, they are now spare and you can use them for riding. I'll leave you to make friends with them, I have a few more things to do before we set off."
Angelina regarded Progeny of Fallen Angel with suspicion. It seemed to return her feelings. When she turned to Vetinari, she found him already mounted on Uncooperative Bottom. She looked at the saddle of her camel and found nothing even remotely resembling stirrups. The saddle perched right on top of the hump. Angelina only just reached to the creature's neck.
Vetinari moved his camel beside hers. He leaned over and whispered something into the beast's ear. Immediately, the camel knelt down on all fours.
"How did you do that?" asked Angelina.
"I asked it to calculate the probability of it getting through the next twenty-four hours without being poked by a very sharp stick into a very soft part of the anatomy."
"And that works?"
"As you see. It seems to be really busy working it out. You'd better use the opportunity."
Angelina clambered onto the back of the camel and found it only marginally more trust-inspiring than the back of the fish. At least there was a pommel to hold on to. Felix appeared from behind a boulder and gave a command in Hershebian. The camel drivers set their beasts into motion with a mixture of whistles and muttered curses. Soon their caravan left the site of the camp behind and made its way widdershins towards Al-Ybi. Twenty-seven point three percent, thought Progeny of Fallen Angel.
2) It must be said in her defence that the Curavians were very fond of cold buffets.
oOoOo
The sun shone as bright as ever on the white beach and the palm trees, the water was no less blue than it had been for all the ages before, but a dissonant chord had entered the eternal harmony of life on Aloaoey Island.
"But I don't want to play this game," sulked Kamauri. "It's so pointless." 3)
"You are the only person who knows enough Morporkian to play it," replied Ka'adburi Ba.
"Why do you have to play it in Morporkian? Play it in Trob and get one of the old men from the village. I want to go for a swim!"
Kamauri rose from her chair, but the Alibi grabbed her wrist.
"Sit down!"
"No. Who are you to command me?"
Ka'adburi Ba leaned back in his chair. He steepled his fingers under his chin and, with a certain amount of effort, lifted his left eyebrow for about two millimetres.
"Correct me, if I'm wrong, but I've always lived under the impression that I am the Alibi of this island."
Kamauri stared at him.
"Oh, get lost!" she exclaimed and stormed off along the path that led through the hibiscus thicket. Ten seconds later, a tremendous eruption of laughter was heard from behind the bushes.
3) Of course these were not her actual words. In Trob, she said: "It is like an exquisite china bowl, which, after having cracked right through the middle and therefore having become unusable for serving fruit salad in, is still kept out of sentimental attachment, thus taking up valuable space in the cupboard."
oOoOo
Riding a camel through the desert beyond the bleak mountains of Syrrit was not significantly less boring than drifting on the Rim Ocean. The horizon was similarly shapeless, the scenery consisted of little but sand and the movement of the great beasts provided as little excitement as comfort. Crethi and Plethi, the Hershebean camel drivers, were taciturn men and unwilling to converse in what little Morporkian they knew. On the second day, Vetinari and Angelina took up their Tell Me The Truth game again.
"What do you consider your greatest weakness?" asked Angelina.
"I have no weaknesses. I couldn't possibly afford them."
"That is not a proper answer. Everybody has weaknesses. Yours are probably just uncommonly small."
Vetinari smiled. "Call them well-hidden," he replied. "My greatest weakness is vanity."
"Really?"
"Yes. I have carefully devised a suitable image of myself; now I like people to admire it."
Angelina laughed. "Fair enough, I let you off with that. Your turn."
Vetinari scanned the horizon. It was flat, featureless and very, very dull indeed.
"Why does a cheerful, warm-hearted young woman fall in love with a cynical old man?"
"Is that just a general question, or does it refer to anybody in particular?"
"You know exactly who I mean."
"I'm not all that young myself."
"Thirteen years are quite a difference. I note you don't contest 'cynical'. Answer the question, please."
Angelina creased her nose in her typical frown. She tried to recall just exactly when and how her employer had started to take possession of her heart and mind.
"Do you remember that day I came to your office to complain about the Hershebean rubber manufacturers?"
"The memory is engraved in my mind for eternity."
"Well, you were so detached and unmoved, as if it was all nothing to do with you, even though I had raged and shouted at you like some fish wife. And then, when I got all upset and started to cry because of Marigold and because of Penny, you came over to me and you just stood there."
"I didn't. I gave you a handkerchief."
"Yes, and then you just stood. You didn't seem embarrassed, but you also didn't say anything or touch me or do any of the things people normally do when somebody is crying. You stood and you waited. At that moment, you had stopped being The Patrician, but you didn't dare being Havelock either. You were standing on the threshold between two existences, not knowing which way to go, and I looked at you and saw you waver and I thought you were quite, quite wonderful."
Vetinari rubbed his chin.
"Is that it? And to think that I flattered myself you were intrigued by my wit and impressed by my relentless devotion to my duties!"
"Oh, fear not, I came to appreciate your manifold qualities by and by. But people seldom fall in love with displays of perfection."
"They don't?"
"You didn't, did you?"
"It's not your turn yet."
"It is so, I've answered the question."
"It will be your turn when I say so."
"Honestly, Havelock, you are impossible sometimes."
"I hope so. It is your turn now, if you wish."
Angelina grinned. She suspected that he had only staged this little quibble to buy himself time for thinking about the question he expected. It would be ever so entertaining to disappoint him.
"What was your favourite game when you were a child?" she asked and watched him surreptitiously. His mouth twitched, but only slightly.
"Playing hide and seek with Sybil Ramkin. That was always a special kind of challenge."
"Was she so good at hiding?"
"She was so bad at it. The challenge was to think of subtle ways to pretend I hadn't seen her. But I enjoyed it. We were always good friends."
"Why didn't you marry her?"
"Only one question at a time. Who do you love best among your siblings?"
"Can you not tell?"
"Not any more. I used to think it was a clear case for Cassandra, but after our encounter with Felix and your tearful farewell from him, I believe it might be a tie. And there is Henry, too."
Angelina smiled.
"No, no. I am prone to hero worship, and my brothers know that and take advantage of it at times. But I've never told them my secrets."
"Will you tell them to me?"
"Only one at a time."
oOoOo
A carriage was hurtling along Quirm Street. It wasn't actually meant to go at quite such a speed, but the traffic police were nowhere to be seen 4) and nobody else felt called to stop it. The two horses thundered over the cobbles while people on both sides dived for safety, then picked themselves up quickly and followed the vehicle so as not to miss the show. Near the bottom of Quirm Street, the carriage raced past Commander Vimes, who was proceeding through the drizzle towards Pseudopolis Yard after a fruitless investigation into a murder in the Goose Gate.
When they arrived at the t-junction with Cheap Street, the horses' deranged brains registered the reality of a stone façade speedily filling their vision. They veered to the left, but the carriage skidded on the wet cobbles and crashed into the building with all the distressing noises one expects to accompany such an event.
Even more distressing than the noises was the sight of the mangled carriage, smashed up in a jumble of splintered wood. Out of the wreckage rolled, undamaged, a single wheel, which trundled across to the side of the street and toppled over with a gentle thud. 5) Attracted to disaster like wasps to a lemon meringue pie at a picnic, the crowd drew near to the stricken carriage. Just at this moment a lad came running up the street with his cap in his hand.
"Don't worry!" he shouted, giving the citizens of Ankh-Morpork credit for more virtue than they had actually displayed. "There was nobody in there. They all jumped off in Quarry Lane."
This did not dissuade the people, who started picking over the wreckage in the hope to find something of value. Two men kindly led away the horses. Vimes stood still and did nothing to stop them. He felt an eerie sensation creeping over him, as if he had neglected something that he should have long been aware of. He looked at the carriage. He looked at the lad, who had flopped down on a crate of Benson's Finest Shoe Polish and was trying to catch his breath. In Vimes' mind, images of the crash he had just witnessed and another one he had only observed on a flickering screen blended together into a new picture.
"Say that again, will you?"
The lad looked up. He seemed to have successfully apprehended his respiratory functions.
"They jumped off, sir. In Quarry Lane. The driver first, and then the passengers. The gentleman was fine. I think the lady must have broken something, because she screamed and screamed. I ran after the carriage, because I wanted to…"
But Vimes wasn't listening to find out what the boys' intention had been. He patted him on the shoulder, nodded farewell and walked off along Cheap Street.
"Vimes," he muttered, "you are an idiot, what are you? They called it proof and you believed it. But better late than never. Now, where does Henry Winter live?"
4) They were, in fact, keeping a watchful eye on the River Ankh.
5) What did you expect?
The notion that Vetinari used to play hide-and-seek with Sybil is based on eruthiel's wonderful story "Childhood Innocence", which can be found in my C2 "The Vetinari Files."