Chapter 15: You must be joking!
Henry Winter's house in Dolly Sisters, meanwhile adorned with vases and knick-knacks and tasteful curtains 1), had been a silent witness to intimate female conversation all afternoon. Now Tvoolia and Goldy had moved from the parlour to the kitchen and were busy preparing the dinner.
"I am so glad you decided to stay," said Tvoolia. She was grating cheese, taking care not to damage her pretty fingernails.
"So am I. I am not sure that I would still like it back in Copperhead," said Goldy. "I know it's home and all that, but there are certain things about Ankh-Morpork one just gets used to. And Lord Downey has dropped the dwarf tax, so I felt there wasn't really any reason to leave any more."
She didn't mention that Lucky Haettenschweiler had given her a very cordial invitation to her birthday party, which Goldy felt she couldn't decline.
Tvoolia glanced into the pot. She prided herself on having the dinner ready whenever Henry came home. He'd said he'd be in at five. She gave the noodles a vigorous stir.
"This is almost finished. Have you got the time?"
"Yes, it's here, I chopped it up with the parsley, sage and rosemary," replied Goldy and handed her a bowl of herbs.
"I meant the - oh, never mind. Thank you. I'll take some of these basil leaves, too. Henry likes Brindisian herbs in his sauce. He says they remind him of an old friend, but he doesn't want to tell me about him."
"Brindisians make some great desserts," offered Goldy.
"I haven't thought about the dessert yet. Did you bring some cake?"
"No," said Goldy with a sigh. "I came past the shop, and I saw through the window that Mrs Bunns was just carrying in a tray of fresh figgins, and ... well, I just didn't feel like going in."
"That's quite all right. We'll just have a fruit salad then. There's apples and plums and a nice ripe melon - "
They were interrupted by the door bell. Goldy went to open. The man outside seemed momentarily taken aback.
"Yes?" said Goldy.
"Good afternoon. Commander Vimes, city watch. Is Mr Winter at home?"
"No," said Goldy.
A pause ensued. Let's take advantage of it. Since Goldy's perspective is no longer of any use to us from here onwards, we swiftly and smoothly change over to Commander Vimes' point of view. 2) He looked at the dwarf with a certain amount of consternation. Then recognition set in. Of course. This was one of Lady Vetinari's bridesmaids. She was probably also a friend of Henry Winter's wife. And like a true dwarf, she had answered his question accurately and had left the ping-pong ball of conversation pitifully tangled in the net.
"Well, Miss ... err .. Jansson?"
"Jorgensson," said the dwarf evenly.
At this moment, a lithe, bronze-coloured and extremely pretty young woman came out into the hall. True to a cliché better suited to older and more rotund matrons, she was wiping her hands on a dish towel. She looked at Vimes and then at Goldy.
"Good afternoon, Mrs Winter. I am Commander Vimes, city watch, and I need your assistance. It is in connection with the disappearance of Lord and Lady Vetinari."
He heard two sharp intakes of breath.
"What can I do, Sir Samuel?" asked the young woman.
"Would you have anything, any item that was in the possession of Lady Vetinari?"
Mrs Winter's eyes narrowed. She pushed back a strand of hair with her slender hand.
"Well, yes," she said slowly, "Henry retrieved her things after ... afterwards. They are upstairs in the spare room."
"Would you care to bring me one of these things," said Vimes, impatience fizzing through his body.
"Why?" said Mrs Winter, suspiciously.
Vimes gritted his teeth. There was no point in shouting at this ethereal girl with her big, almond-shaped eyes. Especially not since she had a dwarf with an axe standing beside her. He explained as briefly as he could his intention. The woman and the dwarf listened without interrupting him. Then Mrs Winter nodded and disappeared up the stair. Two minutes later she came back down again and handed Vimes an oblong object wrapped in a cloth. She told him what it was.
"Thank you, Mrs Winter," said Vimes and turned towards the door.
"Not so hasty, Sir Samuel!" cried the dwarf. Vimes looked back. Mrs Winter was putting on her coat.
"We are coming with you," she said with a look that brooked no opposition.
When Henry came home fifteen minutes later, he was just in time to put out the fire in the kitchen. Tvoolia hadn't even stopped to write him a note.
1) Tvoolia would have suffered a minor nervous breakdown had she ever seen the be Trobi fabrics.
2) Who says I can't do that? Watch me!
oOoOo
Al Khali, city of a thousand camel droppings 3). In times of peace, like the present, the guards were more interested in their dice games than in the traffic through the gate and saw no reason to stop the rather outlandish looking couple that had arrived in the company of two Hershebean camel drivers.
Angelina had intended to dismount as soon as they reached the city, but she changed her mind when she saw the throng of people, camels, goats and donkeys that filled the Streets of Al Khali from wall to wall. Perched on Progeny of Fallen Angel, she was at least a couple of feet above the worst of the smell. Her elevated seat also afforded her a good view of her surroundings. The square buildings were very whitewashed, gleaming brightly in the sunshine at the top and getting increasingly grubby towards ground level. High walls surrounded little islands of greenery, while the dusty streets sprouted nothing but the occasional wilted palm.
Eventually the street opened up to a large square with a well in the centre and a collection of well-appointed houses around its edges. It was only then, with the sudden option of more than one direction to go, that Angelina noticed the absence of Vetinari, Crethi and Plethi. How she had lost them she did not know, but she was not, on the whole, surprised. Repeated experiences tend to lose their novelty value.
A group of women was assembled around the well. Angelina dismounted and walked over to them. The women whispered to each other and then one of them, a middle-aged lady of more than medium girth, stepped forward and addressed her in Klatchian.
"I'm sorry," said Angelina. "I only know Morporkian."
This caused a considerable amount of excitement among the women, which manifested itself in a wave of chatter.
"Do you know the joke about the man who went into the tavern with the very small musician?" asked one.
"No," said Angelina, mildly taken aback. "Do you know where the embassy of Ankh-Morpork is?"
"No, but I would say they should eat less pork rather than more," replied another woman, and the others burst into laughter. Angelina frowned. She had asked a perfectly sensible question. These women were less than helpful. She would have to ask someone else.
"Keep up, Angelina, will you?"
Vetinari came striding up to the well, dragging Uncooperative Bottom behind him. The women stopped laughing and hid their faces behind their veils, but they had their eyes fixed on the tall dark man with the bright blue eyes. Angelina took Vetinari's arm and smiled sweetly.
"Thanks you so much for your help, ladies," she said. "I believe my husband knows the way."
3) Per hundred inhabitants.
oOoOo
Downey Dulci Duo
Surprise was the first reaction of Ankh-Morpork's citizens yesterday when Patrician Lord Downey announced his engagement to opera singer Dame Gina Dulci.
The news emerged yesterday afternoon, when his lordship (51) informed the meeting of guild leaders of his forthcoming nuptials. In the course of the evening the couple confirmed their plans at a press conference.
Dame Dulci, whose age cannot be given for legal reasons, has captivated the hearts of many music connoisseurs over the years, but her latest conquest is of a more personal nature. The couple first met at a soiree at Lady Selachii's, where Dame Gina chided the Patrician good-humouredly about his reluctance to patronize the opera. Lord Downey has since been seen attending performances of "Lohenshark" and "Madam Moth".
"I knew Lord Downey from sight, but had never been introduced to him. As soon as I spoke to him, I knew it was fate," explains Dame Gina. Lord Downey, who appeared to be suffering from a severe head cold, added: "Gina is the first woman I have cared about since my dear Lucinda died." His lordship was widowed in the Year of the Malnourished Gnu and has since committed himself exclusively to the running of the Assassin's Guild.
Congratulations are flowing in fast from all over the city and beyond. The date for the wedding is set for the 1st of Sektober, making this the second wedding of a city leader within just over a year, after former Patrician Lord Vetinari married one of his employees last Grune. The couple were later lost at sea and declared dead in Offle (The Times reported).
oOoOo
"What is it, Dunster?" There was just a hint of impatience in Sir Toby Witherford's voice. He had been on the point of convincing the prince that Ankh-Morpork's investment in twelve new ships was not a threat to Klatchian interests, and the butler's intrusion was most unwelcome. Dunster walked up to his master and said very quietly:
"A gentleman and a lady wish to see you, sir. The gentleman was adamant that you would wish to see him, too."
Sir Toby was about to make a harsh reply, when he noticed the expression of urgency on the butler's features. Like all quality butlers, Dunster was not in the habit of showing emotions, and the fact that his face was practically melting with anxiety convinced the ambassador that the plea was best not ignored. He turned to his visitor.
"I beg your pardon - "
"Oh, don't mind me," said Prince Khufurah, who sat on an ottoman, flanked by two bodyguards. "Let them in, I am curious to see who it is."
Sir Toby nodded to the butler, who scuttled out of the room. Before the ambassador had a chance to collect his thoughts, a man and woman were ushered into the room. Sir Toby scanned their appearance with vexation and wondered how Dunster could have possibly applied the terms "gentleman" and "lady" to these ragged figures. The woman wore men's breeches and a shirt, both dusty and crumpled and way too large for her. A greasy dark braid fell down her back. The man was dressed in a khaki suit that had seen better days. His hair was too long, his beard untidy and his skin deeply tanned. Then Sir Toby met the stranger's eyes and gulped.
"Lord Vetinari!" he whispered hoarsely. "But - but that is impossible!"
"It would appear not," said Lord Vetinari. "I'm glad we found you at home, Sir Toby. I hope you will be of assistance to us. But I see you have a visitor." He turned to the prince. "Prince Khufurah. What a coincidence to see you again. You know my wife, of course."
The prince grinned broadly. "Ah, yes, I see that you have not yet had the opportunity to add to your little harem."
Vetinari made no reply. Prince Khufurah raised his eyebrows and shook his head.
"Of course, I am forgetting. You are not a man with an expansionist outlook."
He turned towards Angelina and smiled like a shark.
"Don't even think about it," said Vetinari. "There aren't enough camels in Klatch."
Prince Khufurah laughed.
"Forgive me, my friend. Just my little joke. I will not importune the lady who is the apple of your eye. I am pleased to see that you didn't fall over the edge of the world after all. Did you have an interesting time?"
"Very much so. It was truly a journey of discovery."
"Ah, yes, I can imagine. And now, no doubt, you are keen to return to your city. How unfortunate that Lord Downey has recently become Patrician. Lord Rust would have been easier to remove from office."
Vetinari's face was blank. Prince Khufurah rose from his seat and smoothed down his robes.
"Well, I must be going. Much as I would like to stay and hear the tales of your travels, affairs of state call me. Goodbye, madam, I wish you a pleasant stay in Al Khali. May our paths cross again under a waxing moon. Your lordship, Sir Toby."
The prince made a slight bow into the direction of the men and left with his guards.
Now they were alone, Sir Toby cast a nervous look at Lord Vetinari. His lordship had sat down at the desk and was reading the ambassador's paperwork. He flicked through a few pages, then seized the pen and began to write comments into the margins.
"You need to keep an eye on these spice merchants, Sir Toby. If I am not mistaken, there is a great deal of smuggling going on. I don't think we should tolerate that. Taxes and duties are there for a reason."
Sir Toby inserted a finger between his neck and his collar, but received no comfort from this action. Lord Vetinari was clearly overstepping the boundaries, but Sir Toby didn't feel up to challenging the man. Instead, he looked at the woman Vetinari had introduced as his wife. She had seated herself on the ottoman, sitting very upright, and returned his glance with a complaisant smile.
"And check your accounts, too," continued Vetinari, "one of your clerks is cheating you. It is ... " he squinted at the paper, "...yes, it is the one who is left-handed."
Were any of his clerks left-handed? Yes, of course, Wigham! Now he came to think of it, he'd always felt there was something shifty about that fellow. But how could Vetinari tell? The man was uncanny.
"I will investigate that immediately, my lord."
"Of course you will investigate it, but it can wait till tomorrow. Right now my wife and I would like a bath, dinner and a bed, in that order. And tomorrow morning you will provide us with the means to get back to Ankh-Morpork. I want fast, I want convenient, I want secret. Does anything spring to mind?"
"Well, I'll do what I can, my lord, but - "
"Yes, Sir Toby?"
Lord Vetinari sat at the desk and leaned back in the ambassador's chair. His chin was resting on his steepled fingers. He raised an eyebrow.
Sir Toby swallowed. A drop of sweat trickled down his brow. He felt like a wayward pupil in front of the head teacher. Then his sense of dignity called for attention. He was the ambassador and he wouldn't be ordered about like this, not even by Lord Vetinari.
"The thing is, my lord, with all due respect, you are no longer the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork. I do not think you are in a position to commandeer the resources of the embassy."
"I commend your astute observation, Sir Toby. My wife and I are, however, citizens of Ankh-Morpork who have fallen into difficult circumstances in this country, and as such we are entitled to the assistance of the ambassador. I am positive I put something to that extent into your contract. Didn't I?"
There was a pause during which Sir Toby calculated the chances that Vetinari would manage to return to Ankh-Morpork without his assistance and that he would get back into his office 4), and what the chances would be then, that he, Sir Toby, would be allowed to keep his post. Against this he weighed the likelihood that even with his help, Vetinari would fail to topple Downey and that Downey would find out that he, Sir Toby, had assisted Vetinari. He coughed. He rubbed his chin. He inspected his fingernails.
"I think I have just the thing you need, my lord," he said with a sigh.
"Capital!" exclaimed Vetinari. "And now, Sir Toby, a bath, please!"
4) In both senses of the word.