"Eric, I" She started, but his finger quickly covered her lips.
"No, I must say my piece while I have my chance." He cut her off.
"His chance, what does he think? I'll kick him in the teeth with the same feet he just kissed." She thought to herself. He had snuggled up next to her again and he was staring at her face with a look that was searching for peace. He tugged his coat off his shoulders and laid it gently over the back of the couch. He was making himself comfortable.
"OK, I won't interrupt you." She was serious along with his mood.
"Sookie, I told you that I hated having feelings. That I hated what I was feeling for you, even though I had no idea what that was. I was being honest, I do hate having any feelings. It is in my best interest to care for no one other than myself. Call if self preservation if you will." He was speaking slowly and gently so as to not upset her. She saw his eyes fixed on hers and she realized that his eyes matched the color of his perfect button down shirt exactly.
He began to shift in his seat as he was uncomfortable talking about feeling something for her. She wrapped the blanket more tightly around her. He noticed that she was cold. He used this excuse to get up and get himself a True blood and some firewood. This is what he wanted, he wanted to discuss the feelings that he was having for her. It was him who was now nervous and anxious.
She sat silently on the couch. It took only a minute for him to retrieve the firewood. She sometimes forgot how quickly vampires could move. It took less time to get the fire started, 1000 years of practice.
She could feel his uneasiness. It hurt her body to feel how unsure he was. He turned to her and he knew that she was feeling him. He was upset with himself for making her uncomfortable.
"You fool", he chastised himself as he went back to join her on the couch. He took her hand and intertwined his giant fingers with her tiny ones. He could feel both of their bodies relax at the same time. "As I was saying", he began. "Are you warming up lover?" She nodded politely.
"These feelings, Sookie, they are not easy for me to handle. I could feel that there was something inside of me even before I regained my memories, I just did not know what or why. But then you all but lied to me. Sookie, you denied me the knowledge of the events that we shared. How selfish of you to make that decision for me. I was a part of that too. It was not only your life that was altered, you were not the only one changed Sookie."
She said she wouldn't, but she could not hold her tongue. "Eric, how dare you say that I lied to you. I couldn't tell you what happened." She was so upset, she could feel her face tense up and she could feel the heat race to her eyes. She fought back tears, but it was impossible.
"If I told you what happened I thought you would use it against me. I thought that I would always be in your debt, with this hanging over me. I killed a woman Eric. I committed murder and you were my accomplice. I was terrified. Do you know what kind of power that gave you over me"? She was sobbing at the memories.
"Sookie..." he started.
"No", she screamed "Now you're going to listen. It's my turn to talk and damn it sit there and do not say a word." He knew she meant it. Her chest was heaving and he could hear the blood pumping through her veins.
"I wanted to tell you. You took a bullet for me when Debbie took a shot at me and tried to kill me, and it wasn't the first time. I knew in my soul that you would remember who you were, I just didn't know when. I had no time to prepare myself to lose what we had. When you woke up the next day with no memories of our time together, I knew it was for the best. You were Eric again, and everything that comes along with being Eric. I just couldn't let you have that kind of hold over me. It was hard enough having the memories of you." The tears streaked her face.
He looked at her face, it was tortured with pain. The light of the fire reflected in her tears. He let his thumb caress her cheek as he wiped away her stray tear as it rolled down. She looked away.
"And then, when I needed your help. When you were the only one that could help me, what did you do? Well you did what Eric does, you blackmailed me into admitting that we did have sex. But you clearly did not expect me to elaborate. You had not anticipated me telling you that you offered to leave everything for me. That you told me that you would stay with me forever, that we could be happy, that you could love me."
Her heart was breaking all over again and he could feel it. Her words stung and they rang true in his head. He really did not expect her to tell him those things. It had caught him by surprise, he almost didn't believe her at the time. He thought she was being dramatic, trying to make a point that he really had not the faintest idea of what had happened. How wrong he was.
He wrapped his arms around her, she let him, mostly because she didn't have the strength the deflect him. Here she was again, crying on one of his expensive suits. He held he so tightly it was as if he was trying to hold her heart and keep the rest of it from shattering. She needed to be held and she needed to be held by him.
"Sookie", he whispered and looked down at her face. He lifted her chin gently so he could see into her eyes. He noticed that the blue of her sweater matched the blue of her eyes, and they were as gorgeous as the night he first met her. Even upset, they had that spark he was so fond of.
"I am sorry that I have hurt you." She felt the pain in his words, but there was more to come. "You must understand. These past few weeks have been very difficult. It has not been easy for me to sort through these memories. Well, it has been easy for me to remember to explicit joy that we brought to one another", he grinned. "But the emotional baggage, as you call it, I am angry. I am angry at myself for the way I treated you after I remembered. I am angry for giving you a reason to not trust me. I am angry for the way I have treated my employee's while I have tried to work through this". He was serious and he was unreadable. His face was white and focused on the jumping flames in the hearth.
"I am angry at Bill for the lies that he seduced you with. If I had my way I would make him suffer the way he made you suffer. I am angry at him for bringing you into my life. If he only knew what he had done the night he brought you to Fangtasia that first time." She allowed him to continue.
"I am angry at Quinn for even getting involved with you. You had hoped for a true relationship with him and was once again you were betrayed by a lover. Sookie, I felt your pain when you realized that you would never come first with the tiger. I had wanted to kill him. My feelings were strong because I had regained my memories and we had bonded in Rhodes." His gaze was becoming scary as he remembered the events of the fateful summit. She could feel his fingers grip her shoulders as he thought about the things that could have happened, but did not. She placed her hand on his knee to pull him back to the right now.
"Eric, I know you had no choice when you made me drink from you in Rhodes. You were protecting me from Andre. I know now why you did it. You never would have been able to let me become bonded to him. You knew what would happen to me if that was the case, you knew that my life would be over. It's OK, I understand that we are bonded. I can handle it, I'm OK." She had hoped her words would settle him down, she was wrong.
"That's just it. I don't think you fully understand what it means to be bonded. We have a permanent tie. We are forever a part of each other now. Sookie, I can feel when you are hurting, and I know why. Just as you can feel me when I am hurting. Sookie, we must get through this, we can not be bonded to one another and not trust our feelings." His words were desperate.
She looked at him and blinked, not knowing what to say exactly. She just nodded and touch his hand.
"I knew last night that you were hurting and I knew you were ready to have this conversation. I know how much I have hurt you. Please, Sookie, let me help you." His eyes were bright.
"I don't know what..." this time he stopped her with his lips and not his hand. He held her face in between his cool, massive hands and deeply kissed her. It was not a kiss meant to seduce her. It was a kiss meant to show her how much he cared for her. He slid his hands away from her face and around her waist. He held her close to him as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He caressed her back, but paid careful attention not to touch her in a way that would be make her think he was going to start peeling off her clothes. She could feel his arousal and decided that if she didn't stop now she wouldn't. She pulled away with much effort and looked at him. He was disappointed but released her. They still had much to talk about. The air was not clear yet, there could be no sex.