Chapter 5: The Path to Self-Realization...In Song
Author's Note: Here it is...what you've been waiting for...Abby's CD
This isn't the best chapter I've ever written, but I do enjoy writing with songs, so I'll probably give this style of thing another go.
And yes, this story is being typed up as I am watching my TV for tornado warnings and it's really storming outside...so, I may be a little distracted and there may be more errors in this chapter than usual.
And a very very special thank you goes out to Cable Addict, for reviewing my song choices. I know they may have seemed a bit strange at first glance, but I hope they all fit together well.
Also thanks for reading my mind and helping me organize my thoughts and reassuring me that this is a good idea.
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS, any of the songs or bands in this nor any city other than Judson Hill.
Tony's Point of View
We found the rental car easily and loaded out luggage in, I put my backpack in the backseat, then climbed in the driver's seat.
As we exited the parking deck, I remembered Abby's CD.
"Ziva, could you find a CD in a white envelope in my backpack an put it in?" I asked.
After rummaging around for a bit, she found it.
She looked at it strangely, then looked at me the same way.
"Abby made it for us," I explained.
"Abby made this for us?" she said, looking skeptical.
"What are you, scared? Just put it in, Dah-veed," I teased.
She complied and the music began.
"Savage Garden?" she looked at me even weirder.
"I didn't do it!" I said, holding up my hands innocently.
Ooh I want you
I don't know if I need you but
Ooh I would die to find out
I laughed.
"What?" Ziva asked, looking at me.
"This reminds me," I laughed more.
"Of what?" she asked suspiciously.
"Remember that time when I looked down your shirt and told you I didn't see anything worth dying over?"
"Yes..."
"And then you told me, I wouldn't ever get a chance?"
"Yes..."
"Well, I did."
"Did what?"
"Got a chance to you know...see what was under your shirt."
"What?!"
"Before that. When we were undercover."
She sighed, rolled her eyes and shook her head.
Yes, I know, I am a mess, don't care.
"I changed my mind," I said, preparing to taunt a lion while I was dressed as a gazelle...metaphorically speaking, of course.
"About what?" she said, raising her eyebrows.
"It's definitely worth dying over."
She looked like I had slapped her, eyes wide open, jaw dropped in awe.
"It's a compliment, really, Ziva."
She just shook her head and looked away.
Ziva's Point of View
What Tony said really hadn't offended me, but I continued looking out my window, reading signs and billboards.
We crossed a long bridge over wide river.
Below the bridge, long barges sludged upriver to Little Rock or downriver to the Mississippi River.
I continued my reading and learned some things, such as; Ed Buckner is Arkansas' Weatherman, Chesapeake is Investing in Arkansas, the University of Central Arkansas is the center of learning and First Security Bank welcomed me to central Arkansas.
Someone had once told me that sarcasm was the last refuge of the uneducated, I, on the other hand, find that it alleviates stress and kills boredom.
Another song had began to play.
Come on, come on, come on, come on now
Touch me, babe!
Can't you see that I am not afraid?
What was that promise that you made?
Why won't you tell me what she said?
What was that promise that you made?
I just kept looking out the window at the passing scenery, then I chuckled and said,
"Do I scare you, Tony?"
He stuttered, "Uh...well...uhhh...hunh..."
I laughed, that was all the response I needed.
"Well, if it makes any difference to you, there have been only a few times that I actually would have hurt you. You, on the other hand, do not scare me at all."
He looked at me strangely.
Maybe that came out wrong.
"By that I mean, you've never done anything that made me scared to have a relationship with you."
"Relationship?" he continued with the odd look..
That definitely came out wrong.
"Never mind."
I just let it fall...or is it let it drop, yes, that's it, let it drop.
We kept driving and we apparently bypassed both Little Rock and North Little Rock and got on Highway 67/167, heading northeast toward Jacksonville.
Another song had started, it was calmer, but had a good beat and Tony drummed along on the steering wheel.
Perhaps I had heard 'Abby' and jumped to an unnecessary conclusion, this music was very nice.
She thinks
We look at each other
Wondering what the other is thinking
But we never say a thing
And these crimes between us grow deeper
The song made me think.
I know fully well that Tony is capable of deep conversation, but whenever I attempt to initiate it,he purposely dumbs himself down.
Of course, it is hypocritical of me to say this, I know that I do the same thing to him.
I do it because I have my problems and they are my own problems. There's no need for me to drag Tony into them.
The less we tell each other, the deeper the rift between us gets.
Secrets don't make good friends and they definitely won't lead to anything else.
I've got to be more open with Tony, I know I can trust him.
He teases me all the time, but even he wouldn't be insensitive and immature enough to hold something big and bad over my head.
Look at how he reacted to finding out about Ari.
He let me cry, he held me, he comforted me.
Hell, he apologized.
Tony DiNozzo apologized to me.
He hasn't said anything in a while.
What has gotten into him lately?
Tony's Point of View
I drove past a sign that said
'Welcome to Jacksonville'
and another that said,
'Please Visit our Museum of Military History'
my dad would have made us visit that if we came here when I was a kid.
As we passed a Jacksonville exit, a new song started.
She says, 'It's cold outside' and she hands me my raincoat
She's always worried about things like that
She says it's all gonna end and it might as well be my fault
And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams
And her voice is straining
I kept having this reoccurring thought.
I glanced at Ziva, she was looking out the window at a big car dealership.
She would not be the one at fault if we try and fail at a relationship.
I'm not blind.
I've seen her sometimes not-so-subtle advances.
She's trying to make something start.
It's me.
I'm the reason that she's been so distant lately.
We drove past a big concrete sign that said,
'Little Rock Air Force Base'.
"Why is the Little Rock Air Force Base in Jacksonville?" Ziva mused aloud, breaking me from my thoughts.
I gave this about a split-second of thought before I notices three, large, green, military airplanes flying over in a line.
"Look, Ziva!" I pointed at them, "C-130s!"
We both laughed hysterically as we drove through Jacksonville.
Ziva's Point of View
After regaining my composure, I went back to watching the world fly by my window.
Tony could make me laugh so easily, no one else had ever made me laugh the way he did.
Another song had started, it was Red Hot Chili Peppers.
I liked them.
Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic Mr. Know-It-All
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you 'cause
With the birds I'll share
With the birds I'll share this lonely view
Tony may have that gift because of all the crap we had been through together.
Even back in Moussad there had never been anyone who had gone through as much with me as Tony already had.
We had been undercover; as a married couple, no less; we had been shot at, we had even been locked inside a crate and kidnapped, but even though we had shared so many experiences, I still knew that I was keeping things from Tony.
I wish that I could be more open with him, but I am afraid to.
Afraid!
Me!
Can you believe that?!
But I am.
I'm scared to death of letting Tony DiNozzo get too close to me.
Even though I care deeply for him and have strong feelings toward him, I'm scared to let him know those feelings.
I don't want him to think I'm weak.
I'd love it if we could have a relationship, but get to keep our secrets, but that would never work.
Tony's Point of View
Ziva was quiet and staring out the window.
I was kinda worried about her.
"Ziva?" I called softly, "You okay?"
"Yeah," she mumbled, distantly, not turning as another song began.
And you can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
If you don't expect too much from me
you might not be let down
'Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter, too
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take it's place
You know what?
It doesn't matter if I totally screwed it up in the past.
It's a new day, and I've got a new chance.
I'm going to prove to Ziva that we can have something, something good.
We passed another exit and a sign that said,
'Cabot Welcomes You'.
I asked Ziva, mostly just to break the silence, "So, do you think it's pronounced 'Cah-bow' or 'Cah-but'?"
She thought about it for a moment and answered, "Probably 'Cah-but', like the explorer."
So much for a conversation.
Since that had backfired, I turned up the radio.
All alone
Not by myself
Another girl bad for my health
I've seen it all through someone else
And
(Another girl bad for my health)
Damn, Abby, why don't you make a depressing CD, or something?
We drove through Cabot and just kept going.
Luckily the song did get more upbeat and I entertained Ziva with an impromptu drum solo on the steering wheel and dashboard.
She laughed.
I love that laugh.
The next song started out upbeat and cheerful, but I stopped drumming and focused on the road.
Looking for the right one
You line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out.
I'm doing it.
Here and now, I vow to let Ziva see New-Tony, Tony 2.0, on this very trip.
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
This won't be easy.
Maybe you want her
I do want her.
Maybe you need her
I...I do need her
Maybe you started to compare to
Someone not there
She is nothing like anyone I've been with before
Maybe you want it
I want her to know
Maybe you need it
I need her to know
Maybe it's all you're running from
I...I love her
Perfection will not come
This is going to be my best chance.
Another song started, and my head felt so much clearer.
I had just admitted to myself that I love Ziva.
Wow.
That doesn't even seem real.
I can't do the talk
Like the talk on the TV
And I can't do a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
I can't do everything
But I'd do anything for you
I can't do anything except be in love with you
Amen, brother
And all I do is miss you
And the way we used to be
All I do is keep the beat
And the bad company
All I do is kiss you
Through the bars of a rhyme
Julie, I'd do the stars with you
Anytime
Juliet, when we made love, you used to cry
I said, 'I love you like the stars above
I'll love you till I die.'
There's a place for us
You know the movie song
When you gonna realize
It was just that the time was wrong
Juliet?
"That's one of my favorite songs," Ziva said, breaking the silence.
I looked at her oddly.
"I like this one better than the original."
Hadn't seen that one coming.
Ziva's Point of View
I turned back to the window and smiled, I had scared Tony when I spoke.
He'd never admit it, but I had saw him jump.
I didn't mean to alarm you
Subtlety's my weakness
Give me a minute to charm you
And you'll know what I mean
Maybe I didn't mention
You won't regret my attention
I've got tricks you've never seen
I smiled a little at that last line of the song, Tony's never seen half of my 'tricks'.
Baby, I don't have much
But I've got more than enough to keep you
Isn't it nice to touch
Something solid you can cling to?
Baby, I promise you this
You don't know just what you're missing
I've got everything you're wanting
Maybe we should sleep on it tonight
I've said it before, but I keep telling myself that Tony needs someone strong and clever enough to see through his tough-guy persona.
I could do that.
I already do that.
Tony's Point of View
Ziva had retreated back into Ziva-land and, hypocritically, I went into Tony-world.
We passed Exit 31 and a sign reading,
'Welcome to Beebe
Home of ASU-Beebe and ASTI'
and another song started.
The timing of the songs and the passing of the cities made me wonder if Abby hadn't planned this.
It wouldn't have surprised me.
Juliet's trying to find out what she wants
But she don't know
Experience has got her down
Well, look this direction
I know it's not perfection
It's just me
I want to bring you up again, now
'Cause I'm losing what's left of my dignity
A small price I'll pay to see that you're happy
Forget all the disappointment you have faced
Open up your worried world and let me in
So, in order to prove my love to Ziva I've got to get her to open up to me.
Which won't be easy.
I'd rather face off with Ziva in hand-to-hand combat than try to get her to open up to me.
She's got this carefully constructed wall around her.
She's been through so much crap in her life, she's built a barrier to keep her from being hurt emotionally.
I've got to get past that barrier.
To do so, I may end up looking like a gigantic idiot, but that is the price we must pay for love.
We left Beebe and another song started.
...Abby...
No, I'm not the man I used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
And if my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before I let you inside
Hold on to whatever you find, baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find, baby
I don't trust myself with loving you
Given my track record with letting women close to me, maybe I shouldn't get close to Ziva.
I mean, look, Kate was killed, Paula was killed, Jeanne is dead to me...
I couldn't go on if something happened to Ziva
No! DiNozzo!
You will not second guess your feelings on this!
You love her!
All those other women...they were tragedies...but I had nothing to do with them...except Jeanne.
But they don't matter!
Ziva is different!
Ziva's Point of View
Tony had began to squirm anxiously in his seat and I watched in absolute amusement.
Another song came on the radio and I turned it up loud.
Tony looked over at me with this really weird expression.
"I like this song," I explained, smiling.
The song got to the chorus and I sang along.
If I could say what I wanna say
I'd say I wanna blow you – away
Be with you every night
I like squeezing you too tight
If I could see what I wanna see
I wanna see you go down – on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
"Holy crap, Ziva!" Tony laughed.
"What?" I said, a little bit nervous. Did I sound that bad?
"First off, I did not know you liked Avril," he said and I smiled, "And second, you have an amazing voice."
I blushed, I know I blushed, I could feel it.
Even though singing that song was just goofing around, I meant it...I guess Tony just didn't see it.
I turned the radio down as the next song started.
You're beautiful
Just the way you are
And I love it all
Every line and every scar
And I wish that I could make you see
This is where you ought to be
Come down to me
Spell it out in a song
But you never catch on to my weakness
I'm singing every word for you
Here I'm thinking I'm sly
Then you're catching my eye and just maybe
You're thinking what I'm thinking, too
When you see it on my face
Don't let it shake you
I know better than to try and
Take you with me
What was that look on his face?
What if he did see it?
What if I should have acted on it?
Damn it, David!
You may have missed your chance!
"Hey, Ziva, what exit do we take?" Tony's voice snapped me out of my inner debate.
"Huh?" I had no idea what he was talking about.
"On the directions to the hotel. What exit do we take?" he clarified.
I picked up the hotel papers and read, "Exit 42."
"This is the one," he said maneuvering the car onto the off-ramp past a municipal airport and a stone sign that read,
'Welcome to Searcy
Home of Harding University'.
Tony's Point of View
We drove into Searcy, where our hotel was.
There were, apparently, no hotels in Judson Hill.
Searcy...now how would you go about pronouncing that name?
Here you go, you dirty girl
Good God, try to love try to oh
God's love is alive inside you
You know who needs you
I wanna be your hunger
I wanna see you open wide
And when I go down for you
I want to blow your mind
It's my aim to kill you
My aim's to love you
You and I are such a pretty thing
Smile, smile you know you thrill me
Cross your heart and hope to die
You know I'd love to
I looked over at Ziva, she was so beautiful.
This was going to be awful.
I don't know how long I can share a room with her before Rule 12 is obliterated.
She is so worth dying over.
"Ziva," I asked, "what street is the hotel on?"
She looked at the address and answered, "Race Avenue."
"And we're on?" I asked, looking for a street sign.
"Main Street," she answered.
"Okay...and this street that we're meeting up here at the red light is?" I am lost.
She looked at the map and replied, "Beebe-Capps Expressway. Look, here's the directions," she said, handing me the papers.
Those will help.
I was feelin' like a creep
As I watched you asleep
Face down in the grass
In the park
In the middle of a hot afternoon
Your top was on tight
And I thought how nice
It'd be to follow the sweat down your spine
You're like my best friend
Aw, after a good, good drunk
You and me, wake up and make love
After a deep sleep
Where I was dreamin'
I was dreamin' of a
Dreamgirl
Yeah.
I've fallen in love with my best friend, who will be sharing a hotel room with me.
This is gonna suck.
Did I mention that she is a trained assassin?
We managed to find the hotel, but I looked at the clock, it was only 8:00 am.
Check-in wasn't until 3, so we decided to go on to Judson Hill to get started on our work.
Looking at the map, it was a straight-shot.
No turn-offs or back roads.
I made a mental note to ask the person at the check-in counter how to pronounce the town's name, then we left.
When I restarted the car, a new song was playing.
I sleep with this new girl
I'm still getting used to
My friends all approve, say
'She's gonna be good for you'
They throw me high-fives
She says the Bible is all that she reads
And prefers that I not use profanity
Your mouth was so dirty
Life of the party
And she swears that she's artsy
But you could distinguish Miles from Coltrane
Our love was comfortable and so broken in
She's perfect
So flawless
Or so they say
Hey and
Say
Hey
She thinks that I can't see the smile that she's fakin'
Poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you
Gray sweatpants
No make-up
So perfect
Our love was comfortable and so broken in
She's perfect
So flawless
I'm not impressed
I want you back
She was different from anyone else I had ever known.
She was about as far from the maternal, reserved, proper Kate as you could get.
Ziva cursed, drank and talked about sex...oh my god...she's a female me...which makes it really strange to be in love with her.
Aw, well, who cares.
I love her.
I, Anthony DiNozzo, love Ziva David.
Ziva's Point of View
We drove down a rural highway through pine forests, next to large fields, over creeks and past at least three natural gas drilling platforms.
A mileage sign said that we were nearing our destination, so I just sat back and enjoyed the music.
And though I've been warned
To live day by day
There's something taking over
Did you expect to kiss me one time
While looking at me with the same eyes ever again?
So come on and face it
So come on and face it
It's time that we say it
You can cross the line whenever you want to
I'm calling it love soon
It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't been looking out the window all this time to admire the scenery.
I had been doing it to avoid Tony.
Every time he talked or we looked at each other, I got this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Suddenly a thought crept into my mind.
Oh my god.
I've fallen in love with Tony DiNozzo.
That's why I haven't bee able to think about work lately.
That's why I feel so weird around him.
That's why I'm so nervous.
It's so simple...but it's going to make this trip horrible.
How can I share a room with him without decimating Rule 12?
I can't believe what is going on.
How could this happen?
But I cannot deny it.
I, Ziva David, am in love with Anthony DiNozzo.
We met a sign that said,
'Welcome to Judson Hill
Population: 765'
Thank God!
If this town had been ten miles farther away, I might've not been able to be held responsible for my actions.
So, here I am.
1,050 miles away from Washington, D.C., and completely enamored with Tony DiNozzo.
Tony's Point of View
I drove into the minuscule town and looked for a school, it shouldn't be hard to find.
Nevertheless, here I am.
1,050 miles away from D.C. And hopelessly in love with Ziva David
Okay, so I made it through that chapter without a tornado destroying everything that I hold dear, or lightning striking and frying my computer.
The songs in this chapter were:
Cherry Cola by Savage Garden
Touch Me by The Doors
Ants Marching by Dave Matthews Band
3 AM by Matchbox 20
Scar Tissue by Red Hot Chili Peppers
Hey Jealousy by The Gin Blossoms
All at Once by The Fray
Romeo and Juliet by The Killers (the original is by Dire Straits)
Sleep on It by Saving Jane
One for the Razorbacks by Green Day (that song's an Arkansas reference!)
I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You) by John Mayer
Things I'll Never Say by Avril Lavigne
Come Down to Me by Saving Jane
Hunger for the Great Light by Dave Matthews Band
Dreamgirl by Dave Matthews Band
Comfortable by John Mayer
Love Soon by John Mayer
The next chapter will be McGee and Gibbs, then we'll come back to Judson Hill, where Tony and Ziva meet some of the teachers at the school.
Okay, so don't follow the route they took to get to Judson Hill in real life, because I pretty much made everything up except for cities, exit numbers, street names and the highway.
Hmmm...today Tony, Ziva, Jim Morrison, Dave Matthews, Anthony Keidis, Brandon Flowers, John Mayer, Avril Lavigne, the cities of Jacksonville, Cabot, Beebe, and Searcy, me and my newly tattooed friend, Walker, all want you to review!
(And it's pronounced 'Sir-see')