Chapter 2

Her: Hey, tell me some more fucked up Harvest Moon stories.

Me: Ugh...really? Well, here goes...

So one day, the Millennium Falcon landed in the middle of Mineral Town! Chewie and Han got out. Han said, "Sorry for the intrusion folks. We just need to chill here until we get the hyperdrive fixed." Chewie said, "Rarrrrgggh!"

Meanwhile, the force from the landing shook Claire and Cliff's house, knocking their closet rod down. (Note: when I made this up, we were in a little crisis with our own closet rod. You need to know that neither of us knows how to fix stuff, and anything broken in the house leads to a lot of misery and tears as we bungle fixing it.) Cliff was like, "What the hell!" He tried to put it back up with Elmer's glue and thumbtacks, but it kept falling.

Chewie and Han got the hyperdrive fixed, and they took off. But then Yoda showed up. This drunk girl...

Her: Karen.

Me: Sure.

That drunk girl Karen saw him and started chasing him. "I found me a leprechaun! Woohoo!" she slurred, and Yoda ran for his little life. He got away, and that was the end of that.

Her: ... Stuff never goes anywhere.

Me: Well, what do you want?

Her: What about Karen's boyfriend, Rick? Does anything happen with him? *tells me all about this bozo rick*

Rick was out tending his chickens, and he caught a chupacabra. He did! He totally did! It was chupa-ing his chickens, and he caught it with a net. He put it in the Mineral Town Museum, and everyone was impressed.

Oh yeah, and anyway, at some point when Yoda came or left in his Yoda ship, it knocked Cliff and Claire's closet rod down again. Claire started crying, because she knew that Cliff's hands were only good for feeling her up and not for fixing stuff. Cliff said a whole lot of cusswords and then set to work with nails and rubber bands.

So then, Greedo showed up. Yeah, he heard Han had bene through, and he was still trying to collect that bounty. He walked into the cantina...uh, I mean, the bar, and tried to talk to the barkeep. Only, he speaks Huttese, so the barkeep couldn't understand him. Greedo sat in a corner and proceeded to get blasted.

Me: Hey, who's that girl that cooks?

Her: Huh?

Me: The one that tries to sex up Cliff but fails because she's not as good as Claire.

Her: Oh, Ann? The barkeep's daughter, and by the way, his name is Doug, not barkeep. She can't cook.

Me: That's what I meant.

Yeah, so Ann made some kind of trash cake and nobody would eat it. She offered some to Greedo, and he gobbled it up because he had drunk hunger. It was awful, of course, and he got sick. He put his hands up to his little snoutlet, but it was too late, the spew was already coming. He barfed out of his snout.

Doug got pissed. "No barfing in my bar! Banned for life!" (Note: yunakitty's dad owns a bar, and puking at your table or on the floor earns an minimum 1 year ban.) So Greedo staggered out and drove his spaceship off drunk. It of course, shook the whole town, knocking Cliff and Claire's closet rod down again.

"AWWW, Fuck this!" Cliff yelled. He turned on Claire. "We don't need clothes anyway!" He pounced on her and they had sex.

So, that was the end of their little crisis. When they got done they just called Claire's dad to fix it. That's always the answer. Anyways, about that time, Lando showed up. He was looking for more uggnauts to work in Cloud City. He asked around and was directed to the sprites house. He explained it to them, telling them there was good pay in Cloud City...

Me: Hey, what do Sprites eat?

Her: Flour.

Me: Flowers?

Her: No, F-L-O-U-R.

Me: Huh? But why?

Her: I don't know. They just do.

Lando said, "We have reception rooms in Cloud City, and we can make all the flour you want."

Her: What does that even mean? You mill flour in mills. You don't MAKE it by baking.

Me: Well, I do the cleaning, not the baking. How am I supposed to know that?

Her: Common sense?

Me: You shut dat beak or the story is over.

Her: Eep!

So Lando promised them lots of flour and that they would be trained properly in playing keepaway with droid heads. The sprites thought it was cool, and they all went with him. While they were packing, Lando went to the bar to celebrate. He pulled up to the counter. "Got any Courvoisier?" he asked Doug, who uncorked him some. "Mmm, this is some smooth sipping brandy," Lando said, and lit up a cigar. He spotted the nurse lady sitting down the bar...

Her: Elli, who works with the Doctor.

He spotted Elli, and decided to hit on her. "What's a fine lady like you doing in a dump like this? You should come up with me and live in the clouds."

Elli just said, "I don't know," and scooted down the bar, then left.

A few minutes later, Doctor comes storming in. "Hey, that's fine if you want to come here and hire all our sprites to be uggnauts. I don't object to that. But you better stay away from my woman!" He glared at Lando, who put up his hands in peace.

"Okay, man, it won't happen again." Doctor left, but Lando was still lonely for some female companionship. About then, Karen was totally blasted.

She staggered up to him. "Hey, hot stuff," she slurred.

"Oh, my, it's a lady." Lando said. "Would you like to accompany me back to my room for some Courvoisier and light conversation?"

Karen just stared at him. "Huh? I don't know about that, but I'll fuck you AND your twin brother." (she was so cross eyed drunk, she was seeing double.)

Lando was surprised, but said, a lady is a lady, and took her up. They rocked each other's worlds all night long. In the morning, Lando staggered down the stairs. "Ach! My back's giving out! Too much of that could kill a man, heh heh heh!" So, he went and got his sprites and took off for Bespin.

But just then! Indy and Shortround stomped up to Cliff and Claire's farm on elephants. Cliff and Claire didn't notice the commotion, because they were still doing it. So Indy and Shortround made their way to Goat's log shack. "Big crisis!" Indy yelled. "The man you know as Kai is actually a Thuggee high priest. He's going to enslave you all and make you dig in the mine for the Shankara stone!"

Goat jumped up. "Whut in tarnation?? We can't let that happen." He jumped on the elephant with Shortround, and they went into the mine together. Some of the sprites were there to help out.

Her: Nuh uh. They all went with Lando.

Me: Well, some of them did. Aren't there like 100?

Her: No, that's in another game. Mineral Town only has seven.

Me: Seven?? Well, uh...

Only five sprites had gone with Lando. The other two, uh...Cornbread and Dumpling, were too young to go, so they were still around. They were good at digging, and they helped out. They found the Shankara stone before Kai did, and they were relieved. But when they went to leave, they were confronted by Kai himself! Kai tried to kill Indy, but Goat ripped Kai's heart out with his bare hands, and everyone lived happily every after.

The next day, Cliff and Claire finally emerged from their sex cave. "What the?" Cliff said, bewildered. "Have there been elephants stomping on our crops? And WHY IS KAI'S CORPSE HERE??"

THE END (for now.)