Chapter 15: Hurt
Disclaimer: I do not own the songs.
Author's Note: Get ready for this one, it's dark and somber. It's the killer.
The killer turned his radio back on.
Stuttering, cold and damp
Steal the warm wind, tired friend
Times are gone for honest men
And sometimes far too long for snakes
In my shoes, a walking sleep
In my youth I pray to keep
Heaven send Hell away
He wanted out of this situation more than anything else. There was nothing in the world that could save him.
When he was younger, he had prayed, and there was no problem in a 6-year-old's world that couldn't be solved by placing it between the words "Now I lay me" and "Amen".
In his current situation, he no longer prayed to stop the situation, but rather prayed for comfort in his soul despite the evils of what he had done.
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday
Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly
Before this, he had problems, but they had been easy to avoid.
When his parents had died, he had been stoic. He prided himself in his strength, now he felt devoid of that strength. He prayed to have even an ounce of it return to him, but his prayers seemed to fall on deaf ears, as he had yet to feel comforted.
The angry boy
A bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don't belong
You're the first to fight
You're way too loud
You're the flash of light on a burial shroud
I know something's wrong
Well, everyone I know has got a reason
To say
Put the past away
He was the last person that anyone would have suspected of this. While at home, he was hot under the collar and would fly off the handle at the smallest problem; at school he kept his cool and was known for being laid back.
He doubted that anyone had noticed the change in his persona in the past few weeks. After he was rejected for service in the Marines, due to a knee problem that he was born with, he idolized his brother. His brother lived the life that he had always wanted, he was a Marine.
His brother was selected for a special assignment and began a strict training regiment.
Then his parents died, while he remained stoic, his brother fell into depression. Upon reevaluation, the Corps decided that his brother could not handle the stress of the mission in his current mental state. He was taken off the mission, his place was given to another Marine.
His position was given to Daniel Stewart.
Even though he had never met the man, the killer felt as if Daniel had insulted him personally, he vowed revenge.
Later when he found out that the Marine who had befriended his best friend, Justin, was Daniel, the killer became furious.
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could
Cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand
He had managed to kill Daniel, but he couldn't bring himself to kill Justin, of course he felt betrayed, but Justin had always been there for him.
Justin had been there when his parents died.
Justin had been there when he was rejected for service.
Justin offered to help him then, he offered to tell the police that it was an accident.
The killer refused to let his friend do that, he didn't want the stain on Justin's military record.
And well he's on the table
And he's gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they're doing here
And your friends have left you
You've been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And I, I want you to know
That everyone's got to face down the demons
Maybe today
We can put the past away
He knew that because of what he had done, no one would ever look at him the same way. People who had his signature in his yearbook would feel ashamed to say that they had known him. His girlfriend would be crushed, he couldn't bring himself to think about her. What had he done?
We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbin' with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say
I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
And I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place
For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise
And we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen
When he killed Daniel, he hadn't been thinking of how his actions impacted others.
He had never stopped to think of his brother, how this would affect him so badly since he was already depressed from their parents' deaths.
He never stopped to think of Daniel's family. Daniel had parents, siblings, friends, maybe a wife or girlfriend. Oh, god, he could have just killed someone's father.
He never thought that what he was doing would affect anyone other than Daniel and himself.
How can one person affect so many others?
I know every last regret inside of me is my own
The way I hold them close has made me
Be this way
I will never change
I know I'm stuck here on my own
My own
The more he thought of it, the more he realized that none of this was Daniel's fault. Daniel hadn't taken his brother off the mission, Daniel hadn't killed his parents, Daniel was innocent.
He was the one who had done the damage.
He was the one who had changed so many people's lives.
He was the murderer.
He was the slaughterer of innocent men.
I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self-detained and forced to live in this mess I've made
He was a prisoner in a self-made cell.
He had made the crime, the conviction and the punishment for himself.
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
As sad and devastating as this was, he could not bring himself to feel. His body was numb with apathy. He took a stick and struck his arm to see if his physical state reflected his emotional and mental ones.
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
His arm stung where the stick had impacted it. It cut a small gash into his arm. The line glowed red with twinkling blood and a droplet formed and began to roll down his arm.
He reached out and dabbed the blood droplet with his finger and rubbed it between his thumb and pointer-finger until both tips had a red tint to them.
But I remember everything
What have I become?
No matter how hard he focused on the oozing blood and the sting of dirt and salty sweat in his wound, he still remembered the situation in the back of his head.
Another look at his blood reminded him of the ruby glow of Daniel's blood in the moonlight that night. That, too, was blood that he had brought.
He had become everyone's worst enemy, a killer, murderer, kidnapper, slaughterer.
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
When the time came, he knew no one would come to his aid.
No one would want to fight for him in court.
He wouldn't even try.
He wanted the harshest penalty that he could get.
He would rather die than live with the guilt heavy on his heart.
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
He would give up his life. He had already gave up his life, all they had to do was come and take it.
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
He didn't deserve anymore chances.
He didn't deserve love.
He didn't deserve to be presumed innocent until proven guilty.
He deserved a bullet, just like the one he had given to Daniel.
He deserved to die.
A.N.: See, I warned you. It's dark and sorta emo-ish. This is my regret chapter, this was the side of the killer that is regretting what he's done.
Later, we'll be introduced to:
Killer Seeking Change and Forgiveness
Searching Killer as He Ponders Death
The Killer Who Wants to Give Up
and Ready to Fight Killer
He's a very deep individual, this killer.
The next chapter will probably be a lot more upbeat and cheerful, because we're going back to Tony and Ziva's story.
For the record, I'm getting close to wrapping this story up, so I was pulling out a lot of song lyrics that I had set aside for the story, so some of the next chapters may be a little heavier on the lyrics than usual. I hope no one minds.
Do you guys like the killer's ruminations chapters? Because I was planning on having a few more before the story is over, but if the overwhelming majority of people don't like them, I'll cut them out.
The songs in this chapter are:
1) Black Hole Sun: Soundgarden
2) Yesterday: The Beetles
3, 4, 5) Jumper: Third Eye Blind
6) The Freshmen: Third Eye Blind
7) Grey: Yellowcard
8) Be My Escape: Relient K
9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14) Hurt: Johnny Cash
I put in Johnny Cash for more than one reason. One, because that's a good song and it fit well.
The other is more of a geographical reason, if you know what I mean, you get a hypothetical cookie.
Johnny wants you to review, so does Ringo Starr and...Matt T. of Relient K...and my cat, Addy, because she's been sleeping on my pillow next to me the whole time I've been working on this chapter. She likes the music I play when I write.