Owen spent a sleepless night alone in his bed, replaying the evening and mulling over how to move out of the stalled emotional weather pattern he seemed to be stuck in. On the one hand, great progress had been made with Cristina tonight; they had played a little, shared some intense conversation, and reaffirmed beyond any doubt that they were incredibly attracted to each other. The fact that Cristina had taken his "go slow" request so badly made him smile. At least I'm not the only one who's more than a little hot and bothered. Under normal circumstances, this would be considered a very promising start.
But these circumstances were anything but normal, and he was not reacting the way he typically would. As they had moved into the latter part of the evening, rather than figuring out what strategy he would employ to get her clothes off and himself into her bed, he had begun to feel panicked at the idea of sleeping with her. While he felt good about the bond they were developing, it also made him feel anxious, and when they had gotten a little crazy on her doorstep he had been disturbed with brief flashes of memories he'd been trying very hard to forget. That, more than any fear of commitment or connection, held him back. He hadn't been kidding when he told her he was fucked up. What else do you call it when you're kissing a beautiful, hot, smart and sexy woman and there are people dying in your head at the same time? He could only imagine what movie might play in his brain once they were in bed together – open and vulnerable and naked in every way possible. I could lose it, he thought, I could just fucking lose it.
I'm not sleeping at night, he thought. Or when I do, I find myself reliving the worst day of my entire life. I'm attracted to this amazing woman and at the same time I'm bone-chilling scared over the prospect of connecting on a deeper level with her. And I'm so fucking angry I feel like punching the wall sometimes... I work out like a fiend, but nothing I do seems to make that tension go away for very long.
Much as I hate to admit it, I probably need to see a shrink.
He stared at the ceiling and swallowed hard. I need to see a shrink. Once he admitted it to himself, it was actually not so hard to contemplate. I still qualify for VA benefits, he thought. I could go see someone away from Seattle Grace and nobody would have to know. Besides, a military shrink will probably know a lot more about this kind of thing than a civilian one.
Suddenly he became aware of the pouring rain outside his window. He stared at the ceiling and let the sound wash over him.
That's it, then, he resolved. I have my next step. In the dim light of early morning, with another hour before he had to get up, he closed his eyes and tried to rest.