"Sounds like you had a very productive day, Major."

Owen nodded in affirmation. He had just spent the past 15 minutes telling Lt. Col. Anders about his experience at the cemetery. It was not an easy thing to speak about, and Owen felt almost as if he were giving something away that should stay locked in his head for a while longer, but he was anxious to move forward and this seemed his best shot. The psychiatrist had listened intently, without interruption, until this point.

"So how are you feeling?" he inquired gently. "You certainly look better than when I saw you last."

"I actually slept last night. That's probably why. But yes, I do feel better… a lot less tense… the anger's really fizzled out..."

Anders smiled. "I would imagine that's a relief…"

"Yeah, it is. What I don't get, though, is why I was so angry if it was actually grief I was dealing with. They don't strike me as the same at all."

"Good question, and no, they're not the same." Anders replied. He was enjoying Owen's intellectual curiosity. It was a good day when the schedule dealt him a smart and inquisitive patient like this one. It gave him license to explain things more fully, and he found that if they could be made to understand the mechanics behind their problems, patients would often require less intervention from him. "Grief is really all about sadness, and that's one emotion men in particular have a lot of trouble with. It's easier for us to get angry and punch something than it is to admit to sadness. Sadness is for girls. Tears are for girls. That's why we have a lot of domestic abuse and road rage out there. Anger is the default for men who are feeling any of the more uncomfortable emotions, like sadness, or fear, or even shame. It's more socially acceptable, and it's easier for us to connect with."

"I guess that makes sense, in a twisted sort of way…" Owen nodded pensively.

"Most of the guys who come in to see me are angry, and that rarely turns out to be the real issue once we dig a little deeper. It's a cover-up for emotions that we, as men, just don't feel comfortable with. Women tend to be much better at this kind of thing than we are."

Owen nodded.

Anders changed the subject abruptly, catching Owen off guard. "What about sex?"

"Excuse me?" The intrusiveness of the question took him aback for a moment.

"Sex. Are you having any?"

"Uh, not right now…" Is this any of your business?

"Why not?"

Owen was starting to feel defensive. "Well, the relationship I'm in is pretty new… and we haven't really gotten there yet…" God, that sounds lame.

Anders just stared at him. "Why not, Major?"

"It's complicated…"

"No, it's not. It's not complicated at all. And I'm not asking you this because I'm a nosy SOB. I bring it up because it's important, and it's an area where men in your situation frequently have issues. You're in a relationship. The woman sounds pretty terrific, from what you just told me about your day yesterday. You don't strike me as a shy kind of guy. So why aren't you two having sex?"

I don't really want to answer this question. Shit. "I guess I've been scared."

"Of what?"

Owen took a deep breath. "Isn't it kind of obvious? Scared of fucking it up… scared I would unleash all of this crap on her and chase her away… scared I would hurt her. I wanted to work all this stuff out before we got to that point…"

Anders sat forward in his chair, as if he was sharing a secret, "Well, that's very admirable, Major… but if you're waiting to work it all out before having sex with her, you might as well slice your pecker off right now. This isn't a process that you're ever going to be done with. You'll learn to live with it, and you'll move on, but you'll always be affected by what happened. It's unrealistic to believe otherwise."

Owen looked at him a little incredulously. "So your professional opinion is that I should go have sex with my girlfriend?"

"I don't know. Do you want to? Are you using this as an excuse to avoid it? I can't answer those questions. Only you can. But if you do want to, I'd suggest you not let this stand in your way anymore. All that testosterone circulating without an escape hatch – that's only going to make things worse."

Owen took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He was starting to see the point of this tangent. "I guess I've been waiting to get this part over, and then I just felt so empty afterward. I still do. It's like I've let go of a lot of shit, but there's just this gaping hole in my gut now. I feel like I've got nothing to offer…"

Anders interrupted. "Ok... so this leads us to the hard part."

"What do you mean, the hard part? I thought I just did the hard part yesterday." Owen was getting a little exasperated.

"No, Major, that wasn't the hard part. That was the impossible part. And you did that… you did that. You stepped through the minefield and now you're on the other side." He paused to catch Owen's eye and acknowledge him. "That was good. There are guys who never make it that far because it's so fucking impossible to do. You almost didn't make it yourself. If it hadn't been for that guy who sat down with you, do you think you would have felt safe enough to walk through that?"

Owen thought for a moment, recalling how resistant he had been when he'd been sitting on that bench alone, how he'd been ready to give up and walk away. "Probably not," he admitted.

"That's because he gave you permission. I know that sounds simplistic, but sometimes the simple things make the most sense. He made it ok to do what you had to do. For the ones who lose a guy or two in their unit, they have their other buddies to lean on and they all make it ok for each other when it comes to this part. But you were alone with this. For people like you… well, most aren't so lucky to have someone just show up for them at the right moment like that."

Owen nodded. "I hadn't really thought of it that way…"

"So look, Major, I said this was the hard part, and here's why. The big question is, what are you going to do now? Lots of guys, once they do their grieving, have a hard time feeling they deserve to move forward, to have a real life, to be professionally or personally successful. It's like they carry the weight of their dead buddies on their shoulders and aren't supposed to be allowed to lift their heads up and see a future for themselves. They bury a part of themselves in the grave with the ones they lost. And you lost a lot of people in one go – more than most. So this is really big in your case."

Owen nodded his understanding. He had to hand it to Anders. He was good at making concrete sense of some pretty abstract concepts.

"It all boils down to simple physics," Anders continued. "That grief you were holding on to… it took up a lot of room. It was a huge burden, but you were used to having it, and in some strange way the familiarity was comforting. I know that sounds bizarre, but think about it for a second. Am I right?"

"Yeah," Owen reflected. "It makes sense when you put it that way."

"Good... Ok... So when you let it go, it creates a big gaping hole. And there are guys out there who just dive right into that hole and never come out…" He waited for a beat before continuing, "Trust me, you don't want to be one of those guys."

"No, I don't," Owen agreed. "So what's the alternative?"

"Like I said… simple physics, Major. Nature abhors a vacuum. If you have a big hole, you need to fill it up with something or it will suck you in. You can either allow it to consume you, or you can start to fill it with the things and people that make you happy. It's up to you… You can see this as a huge chore, maybe give up on it or put it off - or you can label it an opportunity and get moving." He paused and made sure Owen was looking at him before he continued. "This, right here," he made a ball with his hands, "is the crux, and it's where a lot of people fall down and never get up. This is where you get to make a decision that will probably impact the rest of your life."

"And what decision is that?" Owen asked.

"Fill it up… or let it swallow you."

-----

As Owen drove to work from the VA, he reflected on what the shrink had told him. Fill it up, or let it swallow you… fill it with the things and people that make you happy… there are guys out there who dive right into that hole and never come out… You don't want to be one of those guys…

No, he didn't want to be one of those guys.

The hole was real. Anders had certainly gotten that part right. The hard part was shifting gears and figuring out what to put in it. The things and people that make you happy, he had said. Thinking about happiness seemed such a foreign concept after what he'd been through.

What makes me happy?

Work , especially teaching…. That came to mind immediately. I know I'm good at what I do. I work hard to find creative ways to teach the interns and residents what I know… and when they get it, like with those pigs in the skills lab, I feel like I made a difference…

…and learning… even when I have to eat shit from assholes like Shepard and Sloan, I do enjoy adding to my knowledge and integrating new information...

...using my skills … fixing people up… saving lives…That definitely belonged on the list. Having a patient look to me for help, and being able to provide that…I can't fix them all, but when I can, it's a thrill…

Cristina… Where did she fit in here?

My girlfriend. He had used those words at some point during the session, and that had felt comfortable and right. When had she gotten to be his girlfriend? The relationship felt so new in some ways, and so established in others. They had not discussed their status, but just sort of fallen into an intimacy so deep that he had trouble imaging any topic being off limits with her. He was smart enough to know he couldn't expect her to fill the void entirely; that would place an unfair burden on their relationship and probably ruin it. But he could see her taking up an important place in the life he was going to try and build now. He would just have to be careful about keeping things in perspective.

Sex… Are you having any? Owen smiled. How astute of him to ask that. I must have pent-up testosterone written all over me, he mused. Having sex was one of the better recommendations he'd ever received on this side of a medical consult. I'll get on it right away, Sir! he laughed quietly to himself. He was pretty sure this was not going to be the hardest part of this whole endeavor. In fact, the more he thought about it, allowed himself to really imagine letting himself enjoy her, the hornier he got. Fuck. I'm on call tonight… But tomorrow…

Tomorrow was full of possibilities.