Chapter 35: My Pig

Disclaimer: Dude, I swear, if I owned it, two words: ninja baby.

Author's Note: Do you know how hard it is to come up with a nickname for Tony? Really hard. Ask Cable_Addict...I finally just settled with what you'll read...It's not bad, it could be better. Thanks for your help Cable_Addict

The plane took off and they were on their way back to DC.

Ziva was setting next to the window, but she couldn't see much. Tony was leaned over her, staring out the window with wide, childish eyes.

"Look! Look, Ziva!" he pointed at the earth below, "It's the Mississippi River!"

She looked down and saw the wide, muddy river winding its way through the flat delta, "Mmhmm."

Eventually, Tony did sit back in his seat and thumb through the copy of Spirit magazine from the pocket of the seat in front of him.

He put the magazine up and rummaged around in the pocket for a while before pulling out another magazine and chuckling, "Ooh hoo hoo...SkyMall, my favorite."

He read every page of the catalog as if it were a favorite novel.

"What is that?" she asked him.

"SkyMall. The only place on earth where you can find everything that you never thought you needed, and really don't need anyway. A whole catalog of things that only get bought as gags or if you're drunk," he laughed.

"Like what?" she challenged.

"Like this," he held the magazine where she could see the pages, too.

"...What is that?"

"A chilled shot machine...but, wait, there's more!"

He turned a few pages.

"A table shaped like a sumo wrestler?"

"Basho the Sumo Wrestler," he corrected, "Or how about a singing Freddy Mercury action figure?"

"That isn't even right..."

He flipped a few more pages, "How 'bout a double umbrella? A pet observation dome? Really, if I were a dog, that would just make me want out even more...I mean, he can see out of the fence, but he can't go out of the fence...Oooh! Marshmallow bazooka! Or...OH MY GOD!!! Robotic singing Elvis head!!! I NEED THAT!"

"Are you drunk?"

"What?"

"You said that only drunk people buy things out of SkyMall."

"Ziva, you have to make an exception for The King. This is Elvis we're talking about here."

"...You are so dorky."

"Me? I'm a dork? I'm not a dork. I'm awesome."

"No, you are a dork, Tony DiNozzo."

"I am not a dork."

"No, you are a pig."

"What? Now I'm a pig? Doncha think you're getting' kinda harsh there, Ziva?"

"No, I don't mean it like that," she waved her hands to show she had been misunderstood, "Do you not remember the hat?"

"The hat?"

"In Wal-Mart?"

"Oh! That hat."

"Yes, the pig hat."

"Ziva, they get very defensive about that in Arkansas. That's not a pig, it's either a Razorback or a Hog not a pig."

"Chazir," she smiled, "You're my chazir."

"What does that mean and why does it worry me?"

"Chazir is Hebrew for pig-"

"It's not a pig!"

"There isn't a Hebrew word for 'razorback' and I am not fully convinced that it is a real animal...And hog is too ugly. Hogs are ugly. At least pigs can be cute...when they're piglets and they're all pink and fuzzy and-"

"...This is so out of character for you."

"What? You do not think baby animals are cute?"

"I think it's creepy that the Mossad assassin is asking me that."

"The female Mossad assassin, who has similar views as most women regarding baby animals. They are cute."

"So are you, but you don't see me calling you by...oh, wait I am calling you by a nickname, aren't I, Zee?"

"And that is your new nickname."

"Zee? No, that's you're nickname, Sweetcheeks, I think you're confused."

"No, your new nickname is Chazir."

"Pig?! You're going to call me pig?! You're going to call your boyfriend pig?!"

"...Pigs can be cute. Here let me see that newspaper," she motioned to a copy of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette lying in the seat next to Tony.

He looked confused, but obliged. She scanned through pages and discarded section after section before shouting "Ah!"

She sat the newspaper in front of him and he saw it was the comics section.

"Looking for some laughs, Zee? I'd recommend Hagar the Horrible, vikings seem right up your alley," he smiled.

"I despise the sentimental garbage comics based around housewives who must rely on 'their man' to go out and take care of them," she grunted.

"I take it you're not into Family Circus, then huh?" he grinned.

She made a gagging noise and pointed at a comic strip.

"See, Pearls Before Swine. The pig is very cute. He's so sweet and loving and naïve...he kinda reminds me of McGee, only Pig's an idiot. Anyway, isn't he cute though? See pigs can be cute. You are my pig, now. My Chazir."

"Shouldn't there be some kind of taboo against a Jewish girl nicknaming her boyfriend after the main, stereotypical non-kosher thing?"

"I already told you, I don't usually worry about keeping kosher...and even if I did, I would make an exception for you, my Chazir."

"...Oh?" his voice cracked a little and he didn't know if he could stand her looking like she was looking at him for much longer before he jumped on her.

He took a deep breath and said, "Okay! Let's look at some more comics, okay, Zee?"

She gave him an odd look. Ziva didn't understand, at first, why he had suddenly changed topics. Then it dawned on her and she realized that it was probably best to keep their distance while out in public places...well, by 'keep their distance' she meant that it was probably best that they both keep the majority of their clothing on. Otherwise, the police would get involved and it would just be a mess...they didn't want to deal with that. So they decided, again via partner-mind-reading, to limit the public displays of affection.

"What other comics do you read?" he asked her, trying to pick up small talk again.

"Oh, uh, Get Fuzzy," she stuttered, shaking her head to rid it of the images of her and Tony involved in a very public make-out session...probably not a good idea.

"Yeah, it's good," he smiled. He thought she looked out of it, so he folded up the paper and asked, "Hey, are you still tired?"

"No," she responded, shaking her head.

"Well, you seem a little out of it this morning, Zee. I was wondering if something was wrong?" he asked, taking her hand.

"Oh, god, no. Everything is perfect, for once. It's just...it's like I just fully grasped what is going on here," she said.

"And that is?" he was confused.

"Us. We're in love. We're going to be together. I'm with you, you're with me. We call each other pet names. We've kissed, we've slept together, we've woke up in each other's arms. We are a couple. A real, honest-to-God couple," she sounded in awe.

"First of all, let me commend you on your stunning mastery of the English language, as evidenced in that statement," he smiled, "Then, let me say that I am in as much, if not more, awe as you are over the turn of events."

"I love you, My Chazir," she smiled at him.

"I love you, Zee," he smiled at her.

They shared a brief kiss before the sound of the pilot announcing that they would be arriving at BWI very soon, interrupted them.

"Are you ready for this," he asked, squeezing her hand.

"As ready as I'll ever be," she smiled at him and he smiled back.

A.N.: Please don't send me hate-mail for joking about SkyMall. My uncle, David, actually has bought something from SkyMall. It was a lawn statue shaped like a Yeti and he bought it as a gag for his friend, Max. I believe it was an inside joke...just like the painting of corn that Amy gave me that is now framed ad sitting on my dresser.

Comics...ah, comics...I love Pearls Before Swine. I have two books (The Ratvolution Will Not Be Televised and NightHogs) there was one Pearls comic strip that I like to imagine Ziva keeps a copy of. It was a comic that was nothing but a TV delivering a news report about little Israeli boys that were killed when a bus blew up in downtown Jerusalem. It talks about how they had pets, and their fathers made them hold their hands while they crossed the street, and they had piano lessons, and posters of soccer players on the walls, and Spider-Man sheets, and school photos in the hall, and their moms had watched them get on the bus...it made me cry the first time I read it and I'm tearing up now, just from thinking about it. It put it in perspective, like they weren't just four more boys, they were just little kids with normal little kid lives...just innocent, ya know? That is the only time that a comic strip has made me cry...I think that Ziva would like Pearls and I think that she would have cried when she read that strip, too.

I also like Get Fuzzy (The Get Fuzzy Experience: Are You Bucksperienced?) I love Bucky, he reminds me of my cat...and Satchel is just too cute...and he's a Cubs fan, just like me! I 3 Satchel.

...And the Crocs from Pearls. "New rooster? Larry, that's a weather vane." "shut mouf, woomun!!"

If this chapter is less than stellar, blame my brother, Zach. He has been in his room with his Zune hooked up to his stereo, blasting music from Carmina Burana for the last hour and a half...anyone want a brother?

Please review for the crockydiles. ...They would now like to present their plea to you..

hullooo fan fic reedar!

you like dis becuss is gud on televeesion. crockydiles now dun take over televeesion. now you muss reevew.

now powum. me keel you ded, me eet you head. peese reevew now.

-larry

Please listen to the crocs, they're getting violent...and the Guard Duck's on a date...